RE: Inappropriate Questions (Full Version)

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CreativeDominant -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/15/2007 7:44:43 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra

quote:

ORIGINAL: SmokingGun82

I find this whole thread amusing... mainly because I'm comfortable answering the questions with Mike, I'm in software, and near downtown... all of which are true and could apply to at least ten different companies/fifteen neighborhoods here in Madison.

I understand some people have to/feel they have to hide everything, but you can be vague without being rude.



And that's great. You are right. You can be vague without being rude. I've learned over the years though to listen to that little voice inside of me - regardless of what other people might think.

But next time, I'll just take my Master's line and say "I really can't answer that. I don't know you well enough" and be done with it. Except, like Don Quixote fighting windmills, I'd just prefer not to be asked.

juliet


But preference is one of those thing in life that we seldom have recognized by others that don't know us, for a very valid reason...why should they care what OUR preference is? 
As has been noted on here, many of the questions you see as rude are typical questions in trying to get to know someone.  And, as has also been noted on here, there are indeed rude or impertinent or too-personal questions that can be asked. 

As for your Master's line...it is a valid, properly polite response to a question that you deem as too probing or too personal or too rude.  If you really want to become friends with others at a munch though, it might behoove you to reconsider those questions to which you might apply that answer.  If you find yourself using it all the time, it may well be that every person approaching you in an inconsiderate boor...or it may well be that your standards for what constitutes an O.K. question are just too restrictive.



Kondolinni -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/15/2007 7:53:12 AM)

This post, at first, seems offensive to me.  After the initial "gut" reaction, however, it clearly is not. As with all issues pertaining to the desires/needs/limits of an individual in this lifestyle, it is up to you (the poster) to determine your own limits. While I find the limits Juliet sets for social engagement a bit too binding to suit my tastes, I respect them, none-the-less.

I ask questions such as the ones she list on her "don't ask 'cuz I ain't gonna tell" list only when nothing more interesting or significant has been offered for my consideration. And then only if I am unable, for various reasons, to slip away from the person without appearing blatantly rude.

As far as advice? I would suggest that if you wish to avoid having such questions asked, you prepare for social engagements like munches by having a list of topics to put forth which provide an interested party with the basis for an engaging conversation. I do not know if you are submissive or Dominant, but if you provide a person who approaches you with "food for thought", I think it is likely they will engage you on those terms, as oppossed to seeking a more generic way of  pulling you into conversation.

By all means, protect your privacy according to your own standards. I would personally prefer to be informed quickly and in a non-offensive way, by a person with your limits, of two things; first, do you want to talk to me at all, and second, if you do not want to engage in small talk, which will likely include the very kind of questions you wish to avoid answering, just what the heck would you like to talk about?



julietsierra -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/15/2007 8:06:59 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

If you really want to become friends with others at a munch though, it might behoove you to reconsider those questions to which you might apply that answer. 


See, this is what I said in the original post : "As such, when I attend munches, I tend to visit with my friends and as new people join in, it's a gradual thing."

I'm NOT out pursuing new friendships and/or relationships. Someone said I was conservative. I suppose I am. What I call it though is immensely reserved. I don't believe friendship can be contrived. I'm not the welcome wagon, and I'm not a social butterfly, but over time, I've developed friendships and acquaintances that I would feel lost without. As such, I value those who take a slower approach.

I am most impressed with people who study others and then make their approaches based on the people they are meeting. Not saying the more forward, in your face approach is wrong - just wrong for me. Frankly, there are a myriad of ways of finding out about me without asking where I live, what I do for a living and where I do it.

Friday night, "Hi, how are you?" would have sufficed.

juliet



RandomGAGirl -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/15/2007 8:39:04 AM)

I don't know I'm a little different I guess I like questions about myself and my vanilla life.  But then I'm not really a shy person :).  It's just a nice change to talk to people about nonsexual things at first because so many Dom's or even subs initially approach me with just really detailed and personal sex questions.  I usually take it in stride but I really like when people take an interest in me 'the person' instead of me 'the sex object'. 



Dnomyar -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/15/2007 8:47:44 AM)

question. You say your on the East side of Detroit and your profile says Fair Haven. When did Fair Haven move to Detroit?



afeathr -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/15/2007 8:50:32 AM)

Sir and I were discussing this forum in bed last night, and He gave me some interesting insights from a man's point of view.  He was saying that when interacting with women - be it the Internet, or in person - there seemed to be only so many questions that could be asked, safely, to get a conversation started.  Things such as, "What do you do for a living," "Where do you live," etc are - according to him - merely "fishing" questions to find a commonality or to get a conversation going so as to elicit other potential information that could show interest on both parties behalfs.  He said he *hates* doing that, but sometimes there is no other option.  One of the reasons that he posts the pic that he has on his profile is to encourage conversation that is outside of the "norm" (and let me tell you - it really does work).

Maybe the real question here, or a possible side question is: how do we get our other interests out into conversation so as to avoid the "common questions" and get to the stuff that interests us?  Maybe the way to do that is to ask questions along the lines of the things we enjoy such as "do you like standup comedy," or "did you see the latest Rome episode," or "What is your favorite food?"  Are those questions appropriate - or do they give too much insight into who we are?  It seems to me that a movement to change the way that society views "conversation" is in order, here.



julietsierra -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/15/2007 8:52:21 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

question. You say your on the East side of Detroit and your profile says Fair Haven. When did Fair Haven move to Detroit?


And after all this, considering you're in Michigan, you expect me to actually ANSWER ?

juliet



FelinePersuasion -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/15/2007 9:50:08 AM)

You could ask questions that actually have to do with bdsm, and are polite, So, if you don't mind asking how do you identify in bdsm, Are you new to bdsm, Or ones like so do you attend a lot of munches, so do you think the food here is good, have you ate here before.



FelinePersuasion -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/15/2007 10:04:47 AM)

Normlly I agree, however this person who's being rude and making an ass of himself, or herself to be gender fair, Could be watched more closely even kicked out if they're repeatedly harrasing other munch memebers.  I think if someone makes a habbit of being an ass and inapropriate they should be asked not to come back/

Serial assholeness and inaprorpiate behavior shouldn't be ignored.
quote:

ORIGINAL: Emperor1956

Two thoughts:   If you need to go to a "person in charge" to deflect an uncomfortable question, maybe you aren't ready for grown-up activities.  Go back to the supervised kindergarten play group until you can handle this basic adult skill.

Also, what kind of "munches" do people go to where questions like "do you swallow?" or "what finger do you masturbate with?" are appropriate as conversation openers?  A munch is (I thought) a meeting of adults with similar adult interests, not a group of rude assholes.  Apparently I've been (happily) out of the D/s social scene too long.

E.



beltainefaerie -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/15/2007 10:06:15 AM)

I am also an educator, but I figure that if someone is there exploring wiitwd also, they are not likely to get me in trouble, since they were there too.  That said, people generally know me as bel or my actual first name without any last name.  They will learn that I teach 3rd grade, but not where, or they may learn the type of education I am in, but not where.  I don't share my last name with folks unless we become friends. 
I also am more weirded out by specific activity questions right off the bat than by other types of questions.  However, asking for my full name or specifically where I work or live would weird me out, as it sounds more stalker-like than first conversation stuff. 
I guess part of it would have to do with their "vibe" though.  Some peple asking perfectly normal questions can weird me out and others can get away with asking odder ones.  I once had a perfectly normal feelingconversation with someone at a munch about what specifically we liked, what got us hot, got us off and all while not seeming strange at all, but it had to do with our energy and connectin together.  We weren't looking to play together, just to talk about things we loved. 
Just my 2 cents.



NorthernGent -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/15/2007 10:13:39 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ScooterTrash

Maybe it's just me, but these were rather normal questions you would anticipate someone to ask.
 


I tend to agree with this. For me, such questions at a munch wouldn't be an intrusion into my personal space - a matter for personal taste I suppose.

Providing it's kept civil and respectful I'm open to questions. I would be slightly uneasy with someone diving straight in and wanting an extended chat on kink preferences. Apart from that, not a problem.



MsOpal -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/15/2007 10:40:53 AM)

This can be an uncomfortable situation.  Back when we first decided to be active in our local community groups, one of the first things we did was attend what was called a BDSm 101 class given by the local minch group.  While it was not required prior to becoming really active, it was highly recommended.  One of the big topics covered was "discretion".  They actually did say it was considered good manners NOT to question people too closley about their vanilla lives.  You were told to introduce yourself by the name you wanted to go by and to accept what erev name the other person said.  You were told it was OK to ask vague and general questions and that it was OK to answer in vague generalities, and to always remember that not everyone had the same freedom to discuss things as you might.  There were people who would tell you exactly what they did and people who has to reply with something like "I'm not able to discuss my job".  There are people that we have known for nearly 10 years now and we have no idea what their real names are or what they do for a living.  That's OK with us, it is their choice.

I think any  personal questions should be asked delicately, if at all, and the person asking should be Ok with the reply - I am not going to discuss that.  Generally asking easy "scene" stuff like how long have you been involved with this group, can you tell me what to expect when I go to me first party, can get a good conversation going.  Also just saying  something like  Hi, I'm new here and I hope I don't commit any huge faux pas and ask something inappropriate will break the ice.
MsOpal



bignipples2share -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/16/2007 1:03:53 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass

What I was comparing is the level of openess among straight crowds of bdsm-ers and the gay leathermen I hang around for the most part.

One more thing that just occurred to me is that even when attending an event like MAL, which probably had thousands of people, is that no one is really a stranger. Even if I met someone for the first time, I likely knew someone who knew him. This might be a generalization, but it appears to me a lot harder to be anonymous and unknown in the gay leather scene as opposed to the straight bdsm one and therefore maybe there are higher levels of comfort divulging personal info because most people are vouched for. This is all mere speculation anyway.



I think the general public may view the leather community as merely practicing debauchery, whereas they view BDSM'ers as total sicko's to the point of being mentally unbalanced. Just speculation.

~Big



HatesParisHilton -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/16/2007 1:15:32 AM)

Queerfolk are a minority according to politics, while kinksters are "sick".  Britain has Spanner but do you think they ever prosecute a Bear for spanking his twink?

hell no.

total double standard, and not just in Rule Britannia.



SusanofO -> RE: Inappropriate Questions (1/16/2007 1:19:07 AM)

If someone ever asks me what I consider an inapproprite question (and I am pretty open, but there have been times this happened) I usually just say: "I'll let you know that when I get to know you a bit better." It's a "trust thing", with me - and it's usually related to deeply personal things that have happened to me, or else my "personal data" (address, phone number, etc).

I am simply not doling out that info to someone I don't know that well. If they can't deal, then they'll simply have to "move on". I don't feel badly about that, either, particulalry.  And I don't think I have unusually unreasonable standards as far as when I think it's appropriate to give that information out to someone.

- Susan 



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