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marieToo -> RE: being married... (1/29/2007 4:56:47 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
Marie,
This is the quote in its entirety: quote:
Divorce was a possibility in my marriage, if I was to trade off my daughter's precarious mental health for it. I'm not that shallow as to throw away her life for my own whims. So I sought affection and affirmation outside it until her psychiatrist said she was sufficiently stable to survive the divorce. But for me to be able to continue to be her advocate, I needed support which her father would not give, not to me nor to her. He didn't give a damn about his kids but she cared for him and could not then have dealt with him walking out permanently.
I am not advocating "there's no excuse"; if anything I'm recognizing that there are plenty of excuses. There are plenty of "whys", "hows", and "reasons". There was nothing read into the post. In lieu of divorce, the poster chose "affection and affirmation outside". Mental health of an individual impacted by that choice was given as the stated reason. I asked if the same reasoning was projected out why wouldn't the same mental health consideration come into play?
I'll go further and say that it was correct and appropriate to give such serious consideration. It has absolutely nothing to do with "cheating". The question remains, why isn't it as important after the fact? Consistency or addressing inconsistency is not judgment.
To me this is exactly what you request. This is a very different "angle". Go ahead - address it.
You clearly stated that she was using her child as an excuse. I believe you used those exact words. Thats still the "there's not excuse attitude". How about she was trying to hold her marriage together for the sake of the child? Now that would be a different "angle". Ok she was 'cheating'. What if she had told her Husband that she wanted a divorce and while the divorce was going on, she was 'cheating'., Because you know you're still married even when your going through a divorce. But let's forget the piece of paper for a moment. In her heart it was over. So she pursued the company of someone who gave a shit about her, instead of hanging out with her "I dont give a shit about you spouse". again, not an excuse, but surely a human condition that we can fathom. No??
Cheating is not about a wet cunt or a stiff dick. Cheating is about a marriage that is diseased. No one really is to blame, there is only responsibility to be taken on both parts. And I find it mind boggling, honestly, that so many people are all about blaming (battering and hanging) the cheater for the failure of the marriage. I happen to think thats a crock of shit. Maybe at some point the non-cheater should have said "hey babe, I care more about football and beer than I do about you, lets get divorced". Its not more one's fault than the others. In fact, from my POV is no ones fault, because we try to do something that is damn near impossible when we take marriage vows. We vow to do something super human.
Ok I see your point, Merc...Its not working for you, get the fuck out. You step up to the plate, approach your spouse wearing your scarlet letter, you confess your uglier-than-sin-itself sins and tell your spouse its over. Only problem is it's easier said than done.
The same as we don't just get married without planning and thinking it through, we dont get divorced without the same considerations, but now there are new people involved called children. So we contemplate, and we plan and we make sure we have the financial means to do this and we plan it out while that non-caring louse snores on the couch, or that filthy whore goes out and gets laid. (thats not what mine did, im just using a hypothetical) In the meantime, mrs. smith is still fucking mr jones, cuz its over in her head as much as its over in the lazy fuck on the couches head. Why are outsiders more pissed off about this than the couple themselves? What blows me away the most is how the non-cheater can move on from that marriage and divorce not having learned something, but rather blaming the other party for the relationship's failure, which keeps them from looking at their own mistakes to see where they can improve on the next relationship.
And the cheater is labled the one who did the other wrong. You know something? Any spouse who is more concerned with where their husbands/wives genitals are at, more than where their head is at doesn't deserve a faithful spouse anyway. But I digress....
You didnt directly blame the cheater here Merc, but its there, in between your lines. You are standing on high ground telling someone that if there 'reason' was valid it would still apply after the divorce or it would still apply to such an extend that they shouldnt have gotten their divorce. Imagine a response that goes something like this "yeah I understand your fears and your hesitation, but did you learn that in the long run it didnt matter? Whats wrong with that? Its compassionate, its understanding and it doesnt suggest "hey youre a cheater and you're at fault and your reasons, fears and apprehensions suck in my book, because you should have been 'strong' enough to do it right"
ON EDIT: Merc: I came back to say that perhaps you are taking the brunt for my general feeling about what im seeing on this thread. I have strong feelings about this subject obviously, as alot of others do. I think it's time for me to leave the massacre instead of participating in it. If I misunderstood you, I apologize.
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