RE: being married... (Full Version)

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SusanofO -> RE: being married... (3/13/2007 2:25:05 PM)

Actually it was from my POV more of an amazement that some can't seem too undertand why it even ever happens (some do, some don't). I don't recall ever saying I felt 100% great about myself for having been in a position of making that decision, and it certainly didn't happen overnight. I admit my personal experience colored my viewpoint. Why that would be a surprise to anyone that any person's own personal experiences can color their POV is what can sometime truly amaze me. That was really my point, I guess. And yes, I think honesty is a positive quality. I think compassion is also a positive quality.

- Susan



NightWindWhisper -> RE: being married... (3/13/2007 3:28:43 PM)

quote:

Just curious to know how others feel about Dominants, and submissives that are married, yet have a discreet bdsm relationship with another, withouth their spouse being aware of it. As for the Dominants who are married, do you feel this is an "undomly" quality?
ORIGINAL: rubyleu

It is neither undomly nor unsubly, it is simple dishonesty.  If a marriage is not working be honest, either do it with the other's consent, or split up.   The worst reason given is "it's for the kids."  Kids, unless very, very young, thrive with two loving parents even if they no longer live together.  I cannot fathom how a person can even do this.



azjojoba -> RE: being married... (3/17/2007 11:15:01 PM)

quote:

Amazing to me how people who are supposedly so liberal, sensitive, and supportive of homosexuality, bisexuality, peeing on another, bondage and play rape, anal sex, and dozens of other things that most vanilla types would find abhorrent, can be so judgemental about extra-marital bdsm activity.


That's one of the first things that has surprised me when I posted to this site. You would think people here would be more liberated but that's just not the case. Except for their kink of dom/sub, most people here, especially women, are very traditional about relationships.



FelinePersuasion -> RE: being married... (3/17/2007 11:20:59 PM)

I am judgmental twards cheating because it is hurting the trust in a relationship,  and I'd be willing to bet they'd be mad if they found out their SO was cheating, all those things mentioned above when done with people who're    not decieving someone else by doing them. are not causing a lack of trust in a relationship thatis supposed to last your whole life. All of those other activities normally do not require lying and sneaking about. Cheating on your SO is harmfull to the relationship. Sure they might never find out, maybe one day they will, but you can probably bet it'd cause a huge stink when found out.



SweetDommes -> RE: being married... (3/17/2007 11:44:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: azjojoba

That's one of the first things that has surprised me when I posted to this site. You would think people here would be more liberated but that's just not the case. Except for their kink of dom/sub, most people here, especially women, are very traditional about relationships.



Oh please ... remember that no matter if the person goes by SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) or RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) or any number of other variations (someone else posted one, but I can't remember what it stands for, so I'll not repeat it) - they all contain one common factor: CONSENTUALITY.  When you are cheating on someone, you are taking away their ability to consent.  So you can be as surprised as you want, you can think that we aren't liberated if you want ... but it all comes back to consentuality and that fact that you are denying your wife her right to consent or not.



azjojoba -> RE: being married... (3/18/2007 1:58:04 AM)

quote:

So you can be as surprised as you want, you can think that we aren't liberated if you want ... but it all comes back to consentuality and that fact that you are denying your wife her right to consent or not.


Yeah, good reasoning. I hope you asked your parents for consent to your BDSM lifestyle, because if you didn't you are cheating them out of the right of consentuality. If you have kids, I hope you are consistent enough to ask them also. I think you should notify everyone you know about your lifestyle just to make sure you get their approval. Perhaps you should even write to President Bush and Congress to see if they have a consensus on your kinky lifestyle.



Vendaval -> RE: being married... (3/18/2007 2:27:47 AM)

Your logic fails here.  You and your wife exchanged vows as married partners. 
You the have moral obligation to discuss these matters with her.
 
Your unmentionables, your parents and the government are not
married to you.

(Edited for spelling)



azjojoba -> RE: being married... (3/18/2007 2:32:33 AM)

quote:

You and your wife exchanged vows as married partners.
You the have moral obligation to discuss these matters with her.


I'm beginning to think that this website is a cover for some kind of right wing religious group. Let's see, if I get this straight -- nobody on this website fools around without consensus from their spouses. Everyone condems cheating, extra-marital affairs etc.






Vendaval -> RE: being married... (3/18/2007 2:58:10 AM)

Having morals and ethics does not make a person a right wing religious nut. 
Morals and ethics within the Lifestyle as a whole are not based on religious dogma. 
There are people within the Lifestyle whose ethics are based on spiritual and/or
religious beliefs of many different kinds.  You will also find people who are atheist or agnostic.
Many married people were not married by a member of the clergy, but by a justice of the peace.
 
Marriage is a legal contract as well as a personal one.
 



swtnsparkling -> RE: being married... (3/18/2007 7:36:11 AM)

quote:

Yeah, good reasoning. I hope you asked your parents for consent to your BDSM lifestyle, because if you didn't you are cheating them out of the right of consentuality. If you have kids, I hope you are consistent enough to ask them also.

This is just stupid.



angelic -> RE: being married... (3/18/2007 7:39:20 AM)

i read those statistics myself.  Cheating is certainly not part of my human nature. 



BOUNTYHUNTER -> RE: being married... (3/18/2007 7:46:42 AM)

I don't find married to a very beautiful domme as you say un  domely at all in fact I find that  we share this life in the manner we do as exhilerating...WE own slaves together and share a wonderfull life...I wouldn't have it any other way.IF you haven"t taken notice,there are many dom couples here on collarme.as well as alt and bondage..Granted it won't work for all but for us 10 years is the prove that it does for us...bounty



SirDominic -> RE: being married... (3/18/2007 8:22:14 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: azjojoba

quote:

You and your wife exchanged vows as married partners.
You the have moral obligation to discuss these matters with her.


I'm beginning to think that this website is a cover for some kind of right wing religious group. Let's see, if I get this straight -- nobody on this website fools around without consensus from their spouses. Everyone condems cheating, extra-marital affairs etc.


Don't know about everyone, but I think you will find that most into BDSM would have an issue with extra-marital affairs. The reason is that trust is a huge element in this lifestyle. Trust is joined at the hip with honesty. It has been said that a Master's reputation is their strongest asset. If you are cheating on your wife, that says a lot about someone's ability to trust your honesty.

Take me, for example. I am married, and also have a slave. From the day I entered the scene I was up front that I had a wife, and that she knew and was okay with my acquiring a slave. Most women are not comfortable with that arrangement, so finding someone was a particular challenge for me. Yet eventually exactly the right woman came along and we now have an awesome Master/slave relationship. Wife knows about slave, slave knows about wife. Everyone is consensual to the arrangement.

Namaste, Sir Dominic



MsCameron -> RE: being married... (3/18/2007 8:24:17 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: azjojoba

quote:

You and your wife exchanged vows as married partners.
You the have moral obligation to discuss these matters with her.


I'm beginning to think that this website is a cover for some kind of right wing religious group. Let's see, if I get this straight -- nobody on this website fools around without consensus from their spouses. Everyone condems cheating, extra-marital affairs etc.


If you have a partner and you direct your personal, intimate, needs, wants and desires outside of that relationship without your partners knowledge, that my dear, is deception.
I personally don't give a rats ass if the person is married or common law. That makes no difference to me. What does make a difference is someone is being deceived and as a Dominant, I refuse to participated or contibute to that deception.

I wouldn't do to someone else what I wouldn't want done to me.
Pretty basic stuff .

MC




ScooterTrash -> RE: being married... (3/18/2007 8:38:43 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

I like how people in here are two faced. Married people playing with someone else is cheating. Poly isnt cheating. Give me a break. If  your into poly then your cheating on both of the other partners. A lot of women wont go into or back into poly relationships because of that.
How about...your are wrong! You could discuss this with my poly partners....on second thought, bad idea, I doubt you would survive the verbal confrontation. Comparing poly to cheating is totally apples to oranges and insinuating that a concentual poly relationship, is anywhere near the same thing, is a ludicrous statement from the uninformed. The only two faced folks in this senario are the ones who see someone else in the mirror.
quote:

ORIGINAL: azjojoba
quote:

Amazing to me how people who are supposedly so liberal, sensitive, and supportive of homosexuality, bisexuality, peeing on another, bondage and play rape, anal sex, and dozens of other things that most vanilla types would find abhorrent, can be so judgemental about extra-marital bdsm activity.


That's one of the first things that has surprised me when I posted to this site. You would think people here would be more liberated but that's just not the case. Except for their kink of dom/sub, most people here, especially women, are very traditional about relationships.

Liberal & supportive of kinks and orientations? Certainly. Supportive of liars? Not likely. Traditional relationship pushers? I'm poly...guess that shoot traditional in the foot...ya think?

quote:

ORIGINAL: azjojoba

I'm beginning to think that this website is a cover for some kind of right wing religious group. Let's see, if I get this straight -- nobody on this website fools around without consensus from their spouses. Everyone condems cheating, extra-marital affairs etc.
Personally...all the religions involving some all encompassing power could fall off the face of the earth for all I care, most are based on myth and hypocracy. That being out of the way, I still think cheaters are lowlife liars. If you can't share your wants/needs with your partner, then they are NOT your partner...so get the hell out. 
 
Bottom line...if it's not satisfying and fulfilling, then leave. Trying to justify cheating is just adding another lie to the stackup.



meatcleaver -> RE: being married... (3/18/2007 8:54:15 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic

Don't know about everyone, but I think you will find that most into BDSM would have an issue with extra-marital affairs. The reason is that trust is a huge element in this lifestyle. Trust is joined at the hip with honesty. It has been said that a Master's reputation is their strongest asset. If you are cheating on your wife, that says a lot about someone's ability to trust your honesty.



You are right that trust is a huge element in the life style and it's talked about a lot but that just creates a huge element of hypocrisy because there is a lot of hot air talked about it. The 'life style' is it exists at all, is made up of people with feet of clay like people everywhere. In fact because the 'life style' has a heavy sexual element my guess is that people stray more, certainly that is my experience. If you fall for someone or you are infatuated with someone, for most people they will act on that and they can talk all they like about trust, they will just rationalize.

Hell, I knew someone who couldn't stop talking about trust and ethics and morals, she had convinced herself and unfortunately me, she was above the average human being. Of course she wasn't, she couldn't live up to her high opinion of herself and her absolute belief in trust and consent. So if anyone comes across a sub in Fresno who can't stop talking about trust and consent, DON'T trust her. LOL

People have to go with the grain of human nature. If ones morals and ethics are too rigid something will have to give and it usually warps one's personality.



adaddysgirl -> RE: being married... (3/18/2007 9:04:55 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

Let me see if I have this straight. According to most of you in here we should be true to that one special person. But most of you have been divorced and in several other relationships. You cant keep your own shit together,but your condemming others for the same thing. 


What???
 
People get married.  They make a commitment.  Somewhere along the lines, they grow apart, or stop meeting each other's needs...or something that resembles lack of continued compatibility.  They get divorced.  They move on.  They date others, or they get remarried...whatever. 
 
What the heck does that have to do with condemning someone for cheating?  Cheating is about lies and deception...not about having multiple partners you are honest with.  Can't seem to get that...or what?
 
DG



SirDominic -> RE: being married... (3/19/2007 10:24:21 AM)

In responding to meatcleaver's comments, within the lifestyle (and yes it does exist), there are a good many who are the wannabe's and fakes just out for some fast sex. Because of the Internet, they are probably a larger segment of the whole than at any other time.

I don't consider them as part of the fetish community, more like groupies. They try to play along to get their needs met. They can fool some of the people, some of the time. Newbies are especially vulnerable to their advances. Most find out pretty quickly they have been lied to.

When you go out and actually meet the people who live this lifestyle, those who really take it to heart, they are the people who think trust and honesty are very important; they are not just blowing hot air. Sure there are some whose infatuation will cause them to lie and rationalize it away. Just like any other community of people. I personally have found it rather rare though.

I've seen slaves I'd give a lot to own, but if they are already owned by another, my policy is hands off. It's not because I'm some sort of super ethical person; it's just a decision I made; not to poach on other Masters' property.

I certainly agree that the more someone needs to constantly spout how ethical, honest and moral they are, the less I believe them. It's like anything in life. If you really have it, there is no need to proclaim it. Your actions speak for you.

Getting back to the OP's question, yes there are people who fool around, who cheat on their spouses. Again, we are all human, and there will always be a percentage whose morals are less than perfect. But do you really expect them to post it, admit it to everyone on the site?????

Namaste, Sir Dominic



MsKatHouston -> RE: being married... (3/19/2007 10:39:15 AM)

quote:

Let's see, if I get this straight -- nobody on this website fools around without consensus from their spouses. Everyone condems cheating, extra-marital affairs etc.


Certainly not.  There are a lot of people who cheat and a lot of people who justify their actions.  However, many of us also take the stance that cheating is wrong because it erodes the honor and trust in a person and removes consent, all foundations to this lifestyle. 

Don't confuse condemnation of lying and cheating, however, with non acceptance of kinks and lifestyle choices.  I myself am married and both my husband and I have submissives.  All know about each other.  There are many others here who have a similar open/poly lifestyle. 

I would not take on a married submissive without the consent of the spouse for many reasons.  First, the person who is cheating is an obvious liar and that is not someone I would trust in a D/s situation.  Next, the person would not have the time to be able to devote to my needs when I wanted.  Also, I will not knowingly contribute to the breakup of a marriage (yes, she WILL find out).  So, get as pissy as you want but those are the facts.

You are cheating.  You are lying.  You are doing something wrong.  If you want to do it, go for it.  You'll be able to find someone to do it with.  It may take longer but you'll be successful eventually at finding someone to cheat with.  But do so with full knoweldge and accountability of your actions as well as the acceptance of any consequences from your actions. 



azjojoba -> RE: being married... (3/19/2007 5:06:43 PM)

quote:

I myself am married and both my husband and I have submissives. All know about each other. There are many others here who have a similar open/poly lifestyle.


I admire couples like you who can live the poly lifestyle. I hope you realize how lucky your are!



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