RE: being married... (Full Version)

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FelinePersuasion -> RE: being married... (3/19/2007 10:46:28 PM)

I can't speak for any one else, but I personally don't fool around with out his permission, and yes I condem extra marital affairs where the spouce is kept in the dark about it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: azjojoba
nobody on this website fools around without consensus from their spouses. Everyone condems cheating, extra-marital affairs etc.







FelinePersuasion -> RE: being married... (3/19/2007 11:03:42 PM)

I do not think just because I am in bdsm I am non judgmental, I judge  some people here are simply whacko and shouldn't be in D/s There's others things and people here I judge, but I keep it to myself, or I tell my partner and we discuss why I think their whacko, I don't feel the need to broadcast my judgments most times.

quote:

ORIGINAL: texancutie

I know that many people in BDSM consider themselves to have an open mind and are nonjudgemental,



LadyAyla7053 -> RE: being married... (3/19/2007 11:06:03 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: rubyleu

Just curious to know how others feel about Dominants, and submissives that are married, yet have a discreet bdsm relationship with another, withouth their spouse being aware of it. As for the Dominants who are married, do you feel this is an "undomly" quality?


I guess I am on both sides of that question...  Here is my reasoning...  First off I am legally married...  Albeit I haven't seen nor heard from my husband in over ten years and to be honest it's good riddance...  My Master is also married...  However before he and I even scened the first time one of the things that I insisted on was speaking to his wife and meeting her in person...  He didn't have a problem with it....  And for a while she and I were friends...  Now they are going through a divorce but it doesn't have anything to do with his relationship with me...  How do I know this?  Well rather than be honest with her husband as she should have been she hid things from him and snuck around behind his back...  But that is another story...  As for cheating...  If the person in question isn't honest enough to even inform his wife/husband than it's cheating...  No matter what....  It all goes back to communication, honesty and trust...  If I can't see that happening within a husband/wife relationship I sure as hades ain't gonna let a relationship happen between me and that other person...

Lady Ayla



MistressRage -> RE: being married... (3/19/2007 11:20:31 PM)

Yes indeed--there are some seriously messed up people that I have met in the bdsm scene--people that really worry me.
We are humans, we judge, it's natural. It's how we protect ourselves from harm. It's how you bring it out(if at al) that makes it good or bad.



cloudboy -> RE: being married... (3/20/2007 7:43:11 AM)

Of course there's alway's HH's (Lolita) view of Marriage:

It occurred to me that regular hours, home cooked meals, all the conventions of marriage, the prophylactic routine of it bedroom activities and, who knows, the eventual flowering of certain moral values, or certain spiritual substitutes, might help me, if not to purge myself of my degrading and dangerous desires, at least to keep them under pacific control.



MsKatHouston -> RE: being married... (3/20/2007 7:46:19 AM)

well...didn't do a damn thing to help me with mine :P



cloudboy -> RE: being married... (3/20/2007 7:57:41 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsKatHouston

well...didn't do a damn thing to help me with mine :P


Maybe now you can write some kind of infamous memoir!!



Suleiman -> RE: being married... (3/20/2007 12:51:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver

According to statistics I read not long ago, a half of all men and two thirds of all women cheat on their partner. Maybe those stats are wrong but other stats give very high rates of cheating too so I guess cheating is part of human nature. It sucks but insisting its wrong isn't going to change it so is it really worth worrying about?


There is a simple answer to that conundrum: It only counts as infidelity if you swear an oath to remain monogamous.

I swore to love, honor, and obey my wife, just as she swore to love, honor, and obey me. We never swore we wouldn't see other people. I have never taken a lover that she did not know about and was okay with, nor has she taken a lover without my permission.

Failing the test of monogamy is sadly human. Failing to mantain an oath you swore to a person who is supposed to remain by your side is also sadly human. For the most part, I'm not very big on human. One of the grand spectacles of BDSM is the larger-than-life personae we adopt as part of our sexuality. Some try to live that life with every fiber of their being, and I would personally mistrust any person who can not obey an oath they swore. I have friends that I never give my money to because i know they can not be trusted with matters of finance. Similarly, I have friends who, however much I like them, however much I lust after their body, I will never get into bed with them because they can not be trusted with matters of the heart.

A Dominus is one who demands respect - frequently without having earned it. I could not count oath-breaking as "un-domly" because, under the facade of their sexual persona, they are still human, but it is unworthy of respect.



thetammyjo -> RE: being married... (3/20/2007 2:12:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Suleiman

quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver

According to statistics I read not long ago, a half of all men and two thirds of all women cheat on their partner. Maybe those stats are wrong but other stats give very high rates of cheating too so I guess cheating is part of human nature. It sucks but insisting its wrong isn't going to change it so is it really worth worrying about?


There is a simple answer to that conundrum: It only counts as infidelity if you swear an oath to remain monogamous.



*applauds loudly*

Exactly.

Tom and I never promised monogamy when we got married and we had vows saying we would help each other become the best person we each could be and the happiest person we could be. For us, that includes being poly and being completely honest about it all.



Mustardseed -> RE: being married... (3/23/2007 8:02:46 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: azjojoba

quote:

I myself am married and both my husband and I have submissives. All know about each other. There are many others here who have a similar open/poly lifestyle.


I admire couples like you who can live the poly lifestyle. I hope you realize how lucky your are!


As a polyamorous person, I don't think that luck has anything to do with it. I consider poly to be an orientation of sorts. It's not difficult to find other polyamorous people: gracious, just look around online or at sex-positive gatherings.

The trick isn't luck, to my mind: it's effort. Anyone can want to sleep around a lot, but not everyone can devote the amount of openess, honesty, communication, bluntness, time budgeting skills, attention, etc to maintain multiple relationships in a way that doesn't compromise their integrity.

I once made a monogomous friend feel better about not being "cool enough" to be polyamorous by claiming that poly people simply need more drama in their lives. A different, uber-geek friend disagreed. Because decently run polyamorous relationships make the need for cheating obsolete, if anything polyamorous relationships should be lower drama than monogomous ones. I'm not sure if I agree with that past the theoretical, but with the right people -- which is where a little bit of luck may come in ... as with any relationship -- it expect that it's at least possible.



cinderella221972 -> RE: being married... (3/23/2007 8:47:22 PM)

I find it interesting that often those who are married seek out married partners almost as if there is safety in that; perhaps a sense that so long as both are married, there will be no expectations of more commitment than one is willing to offer.

Master and i are were both single (divorced, widowed) when we began our journey but we have talked a great deal about the fact that although we enjoy including others in our "play" from time to time, we do not have any desire to involve others who are married unless both parties are involved. 

The saddest situations are those where one party chooses to lie to the other about the marriage situation.  There are so many sad stories out there of one moving to join another only to find out that they've uprooted and left behind home, job, family only to find out that the relationship they thought was going to be so wonderful can never be more than a part-time thing because the other has a spouse and family. 

Jon's girl, cindy



lillostangel -> RE: being married... (3/30/2007 2:01:32 PM)

i seen this thread and im curious.... what would Oone think if a person was still married but separated. would that make any difference? and would Yyou still enter a relationship with that person?



domiguy -> RE: being married... (3/30/2007 2:15:13 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: lillostangel

i seen this thread and im curious.... what would Oone think if a person was still married but separated. would that make any difference? and would Yyou still enter a relationship with that person?


I wouldn't see a problem with it....you first have to get rid of your kids....Susan Smith could suck the termites out of their nest....God I miss her.



Vendaval -> RE: being married... (3/30/2007 2:35:19 PM)

There are different types and levels of separation.
 
Are the couple still living in the same home?
Do they share finances or a business together?
Are there minor children involved?
Are both working and financially independent of each other?
Are they slugging it out in divorce and custody courts?
Are either of them still in love with the other?
Are either of them stalking the other?
 
Could the one approaching you just be trying to make the
other jealous?
 


 




lillostangel -> RE: being married... (3/30/2007 2:42:06 PM)

smiles, im glad to see One was a lil more observant, good points madeVendaval
Ma'am



AcademyForSlaves -> RE: being married... (3/30/2007 7:17:23 PM)

At the Academy we get lots of slaves that are married or have girlfriends. It's understandable that some men might have a woman in their life that's not into the lifestyle or doesn't share an interest in his fetishes. So he comes to us and we are understanding about his schedule and a need for privacy and discretion. We even own slaves that are married.



SweetDommes -> RE: being married... (3/31/2007 1:34:38 AM)

And I wish you luck when a wife or girlfriend finds out and starts raising hell about your acadamy and the fact that it is condoning and assisting the men in their cheating behaviors.



pearlmoongirl -> RE: being married... (3/31/2007 3:11:36 AM)


I am separated from my husband, and I am in a near-constant state of angst over my subbiness. (This was part of the motivation for my post on virgin rapture.) My husband is vanilla. I tried to get him interested in D/s but it just didn't intrigue and speak to him on a visceral level. Before that I went for years without even telling him about my growing suspicions/realizations that I was submissive.

So here's the catch: I haven't had any sort of hands-on playtime experience with a Dom, and to me, that means I don't really know for sure if I am subby or not. I don't want to cheat while I am still married, and I won't deceive any Dom that I meet regarding my marital status. But how can I get that ... confirmation, I guess is the word ... that this subby need in me is real, that I need Domination to feel safe and secure? It's the chicken and the egg.

The reactions/responses expressed in this thread have been so black and white that I feel like a cheater just by reading them. I honestly do applaud and admire all of Y/you here who started expressing Y/your D/s side before or totally outside of marriage. But there are some people in this world, myself included, who come to that knowledge while still committed to a vanilla partner - and if we consider ourselves to be honest, stand-up people with integrity, we won't tank a relationship for any reason that might not actually exist.

~ pmg




Interesdom -> RE: being married... (6/2/2008 8:20:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: rubyleu
Just curious to know how others feel about Dominants, and submissives that are married, yet have a discreet bdsm relationship with another, without their spouse being aware of it.
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressSnow
...it is hard to define cheating with BDSM...  I do not consider playing cheating, but some do.  I think of cheating as sex with bdsm, or any sex.  LOL....  

Cheating isn't about sex, it isn't about BDSM and it isn't even about being married or not.

It is about behaving in a manner that you have given someone reason to expect of you.

If your partner expects you to have sex with other people and keep it to yourself, and you do, then they are getting what they expect.  If you have told them you wouldn't do so, then clearly you are breaking your word and that will damage the relationship (whether or not they ever find out).

If your partner expects behaviour from you, when you have given them no reason to, then while that can be a relationship problem, it is mostly their fault if they get upset because you go outside that expectation.  This actually happens a lot - early on in relationships through incomplete knowledge of one another and later in relationships because a consistency of behaviour can lead to expectation of it.

If you have given someone reason to expect you to behave in a certain way, then clearly you don't have to keep to that for life.  You can talk with them about it and ask their leave, or simply make it clear that they should no longer expect it of you.  As brutal as that can seem at times, it is far better, and kinder, than being a snivelling coward and hiding behind words like 'being discreet' or 'it wasn't really sex'.

Douglas.



MadameXTC -> RE: being married... (6/2/2008 11:52:44 PM)

well my take on it, You will find people in the lifestyle who are in situations where they are very unhappy in let's say a vanilla marriage. These people sometimes get  involved with someone in a bdsm relationship outside of the marriage to compensate for what they lack. Yes it is considered cheating, I wont glorify it into something in which it isn't. but at the same time some people have a hard time leaving their spouse for one reason or the other. In my past situation I was in a very bad vanilla marriage and got involved with a Dominant. Being involved outside of my vanilla marriage actually gave me the courage to leave that bad vanilla marriage. I look back and think how wrong it was that I sought out others. Had I not  had support from my understanding kinky friends I am not sure I would have stuck up for myself to leave. I think it is just a personal opinion for the people who are involved in these situations. I made sure to not put myself back into another bad vanilla marriage. I need D/s as much as I need nurtuting, caring, and understanding in a vanilla relationship. The best advice I can give- If you cannot find happiness where you are and need to find it elsewhere, it is really best to get the courage up to face moving on. 



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