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RE: Getting to know each other: A lost art? - 2/8/2007 11:57:47 PM

NakedOnMyChain

Posts: 2431
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: Indiana
Status: offline

Unfortunately, a lot of the niceties of human to human interaction are lost when all we can see is the computer screen in front of us.

_____________________________

"Oh, it's torture, but I'm almost there."
~The Cure

"I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave."
~The Labyrinth

(in reply to GeekyGirl)

Post #: 21

RE: Getting to know each other: A lost art? - 2/9/2007 2:41:54 AM

Quivver

Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

this problem goes beyond the keys of a computer screen, and it's not limited to Kinksters either. it's the instant gratification that many expect, and when an admission of being a submissive is added in the target looks easier to gain that satisfaction from. i think in many instances it is that boy meets girl thing ... just the other side of the story.

_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to NakedOnMyChain)

Post #: 22

RE: Getting to know each other: A lost art? - 2/9/2007 3:22:10 AM

ShiftedJewel

Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GeekyGirl

See I actually thought my profile was overly specific as opposed to being vague.

I just read it and don't see it as being vague... I thought it was pretty straight forward. And as far as checklists are concerned? I think too many put way to much stock in them.

But you are right GG... people don't seem to want to get to know others as just people first anymore.

Jewel

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to GeekyGirl)

Post #: 23

RE: Getting to know each other: A lost art? - 2/9/2007 4:00:27 AM

twicehappy

Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavemaia

. i've found particularly as a slave, one of the first things i had to learn about being submissive is to submit - LOL - that means i don't have to voice my opinion, take a stance, be right or anything like that because a Dominant perceives things differently than i. A simple no thank you is plenty. And until such time as an agreement is made and accepted, a polite no is acceptable to everyone.

Wow, you must be getting emails from gentleman only.

Until i am in somebodies collar they cannot and should not expect any sort of submission from me.

And i've offended a ton of people in my time because a simple no did not work.

This reply sounds like it was written by a male Dom.

"Be a good pet and turn on your web cam and let me see you spread your legs" says domly Dom.

I guess i am not a slave because my answer was always "go buy yourself a playboy if you want jerk off material".

quote:

Your impressions are just that - yours. That's another thing i've learned as a slave - i'm not a mind reader and acting like one only creates problems. You don't know anyone's motives and assuming that you do is not a good practice, particularly for a submissive.

When receiving one of the above type emails you don't need to be a mind reader or a rocket scientist to decide what said Dom wants. Question everybody's motives until you know and are comfortable with them.

To the OP, when ever a Dom asked me for my, or sent me his, kink list, they got an immediate not interested. I was looking for a life mate, not a playmate only. If i got to point of discussing kink i was fairly serious about meeting the person i was speaking to.

Great our kinks match, now what are we going to do the rest of the week?

_____________________________

Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to slavemaia)

Post #: 24

RE: Getting to know each other: A lost art? - 2/9/2007 5:52:57 AM

feralcat

Posts: 116
Joined: 10/22/2005
Status: offline

Hey there geekygirl! I have been doing this internet thing for a while now, and I have always said it is almost like backwards dating. Ususally in vanilla ,we "see" (visual contact) the person first, do the "courting/ get to know you things" next, enjoy each others company,then get intimate gradually if we have fit up to that point. Very nice,very "normal". Internet-complete oppsite...I learn about you,see a picture,get close,very open,very sexual in time...much closer than vanilla.We open up our "deep ,dark" sides pretty fast.

I find here I learn MUCH more about a person in a few weeks than I would in months (damn sometimes years!) of a "vanilla" relationship . I get to see all kinds of sides- family , friends,quirks,and yes sexuality. Not only does the "safety" of the net (and the phone-I move there after he passes muster doing some really long informative emails to see if we are "maybe" compatable) allow someone to open up,but also the nature under which they met me. Most people NEVER get to be this open about their sexuality so quicky. They have spent years keeping this side of them a secret,desires that they have been thinking about since their teens. So if they are gushing about the scene ,I allow a small bit of it in each letter. I ask questions about home,past relationships,probing questions about themselves. I look for candid honesty in different forms...do they tell you about ex's that HATE their guts,substance abuse,goals in life,how they treat their mother,close ,warm friendships,what they do for fun on the weekend. Through this I get to see them as a person. If they can't seem to have conversation without sex ,I move on. Sometimes yes,you do have to actually say "I am not interested in just speaking about sex,I need to hear more about....."and actually direct them to a conversation about news or even something you read here on the message board. lol..men tend to lose focus...sorry ,it is true, male /female minds do "hear" differently at times!

So I have learned ways to sort out wankers. Writing,a lot. Can they just talk vanilla at times?-after all life is mainly vanilla no matter what you want. After a bit it gets easier to spot them. And if you don't talk kink all the time ,most just stop communication anyway. I call it weeding out.

As for the sexuality part,no need to expose ALL that you may be,talk about it from the more psychological side...why do you want this lfestyle? what have you learned about yourself? what do you think you are interested in? why this lifestyle? etc.

I agree with Diurnal Vampire, if you don't interest me in the kink,vanilla doesn't matter and vise versa. This forum gives ME the freedom to be open about MY needs and desires just as much as it does for the fellas I meet. So the coin goes both ways.

Enjoy your time here,be picky ,and read on the message boards,there are some really cool people here!

Warm regards,
Feral

(in reply to slavemaia)

Post #: 25

RE: Getting to know each other: A lost art? - 2/9/2007 6:31:50 AM

SirDominic

Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

Hey geeky,
Chemistry is important to me in my sub. If we can’t laugh together and really enjoy each others company, we are not a good match. When I am meeting someone, I'm looking for how we mesh plain 'ol vanilla style. I don't even bring up much about BDSM the first meeting. A sound basis for a BDSM relationship, just like the sound basis for a marriage, is to be best friends before all else. That's how I've been madly in love with my wife for over 20 years, she is still my best friend. It's also why she has no problem with my having a slave. We have built two decades of trust and respect between us, and my wife knows she will never be hurt.

Besides, if a Dom is good at what he does, he can learn a LOT about a sub's personality, her sensuality, her sexuality without having to ask about them directly at all.

Once we have met for a coffee, and if we have hit it off, I generally have a solid idea of all the above, even though as I said, I never ask about them directly. The really important thing though is you have to meet IN PERSON in a public place where you arrive separately and leave separately. I look at a woman's body language, how they use their eyes, their smile, their voice, their energy. You can't learn any of that on a monitor.

It may take a while to find that right combination, being patient and open minded is the name of the game.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

(in reply to GeekyGirl)

Post #: 26

RE: Getting to know each other: A lost art? - 2/9/2007 6:46:12 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GeekyGirl

...but if he didn't like animals or voted for Bush, I wouldn't be interested in him.

To me, if we don't agree on a large number of vanilla issues, there's no point in talking about kink...because I wouldn't want a kinky relationship with someone who's vanilla values were drastically different than mine.

Crikey.....after all these years I still don't know who M votes for, nor would I ask. I don't know his favourite colour either......though if I made a guess it would be.. ..red, black or blue ...lol

I don't think it's even THAT important to share *vanilla* interests........it's helpful to be looking at life through at least an adjacent window, though.

I don;t know LOTS of things about him .............. but I know the ones that matter.

agirl

Edited to add....... Ones that matter.....hmmmm, he can cook.Yeyyyy

< Message edited by agirl -- 2/9/2007 6:48:59 AM >

(in reply to GeekyGirl)

Post #: 27

RE: Getting to know each other: A lost art? - 2/9/2007 7:22:20 AM

feralcat

Posts: 116
Joined: 10/22/2005
Status: offline

oh absolutely....there is so much you can learn about a person without asking direct questions.Sometimes just letting them ramble they show more of their colors than they know!

Sometimes I just listen to my gut feelings,seems as I get older my intuition is right more often than not!

Good sound advice SirDominic.

(in reply to SirDominic)

Post #: 28

RE: Getting to know each other: A lost art? - 2/9/2007 7:24:51 AM

feralcat

Posts: 116
Joined: 10/22/2005
Status: offline

and for the ones that lack any social graces..."nice ass ,you can use me as your toilet seat " quailifies as lacking....there is that delete message button just waiting to remove the offender!

(in reply to NakedOnMyChain)

Post #: 29

RE: Getting to know each other: A lost art? - 2/9/2007 7:28:24 AM

Firebirdseeking

Posts: 477
Joined: 9/3/2006
Status: offline

Geeky girl, I totally agree with everything you said, and good for you for saying it.
When men contact me by asking "What is your kink"? I have the same reactions you do. Tells me he is not interested in a relationship, he is just into kinky sex. AND these guys have the nerve to call themselves Doms.

(in reply to GeekyGirl)

Post #: 30

RE: Getting to know each other: A lost art? - 2/9/2007 8:10:12 AM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

My thoughts on this are similar to what several others have expressed...
you do not want a dominant man...nor do you think he should...expect anything from you right off in terms of submission, play, or even discussion of your kinky interests or submission. He should have no expectations of you. BUT, its O.K. for you to expect him to respect your expectations. That is a bit off-balance on the scale of fairness, wouldn't you say? And as noted, it is not reality. If you expect something from them in terms of them respecting YOUR desires, what exactly can they expect from you in terms of respecting THEIR desires? Expecting someone not to discuss sexual matters on a sex site nor to discuss your views of submission on a dominance/submission site is expecting a lot, in MOO.

Your interests are not checked. You say that you would be O.K. with 99% of the kinks. You know that. Those of us on this thread know that. How are the dominants reading your profile supposed to know that? Let's set kinks aside for the moment and just talk about submission. I see very little discussed about submission in your profile. Are you 24/7? Do you give over control of all aspects of your life or a few? Do you accept discipline and/or punishment or are you a submissive that those things do not work for? Are you a 'daddy's girl" type of submissive? Etc., Etc., Etc. These ideas...dominance and submission...may OR may not have anything to do with the kinky side of the equation depending on the parties involved but I would be willing to bet that, for 99% of the people searching on here, the potential partner's outlooks on these areas play a rather large part in deciding whether or not to pursue the relationship further.

As noted, having expectations is a fast track to annoyance. Having expectations including someone else respecting yours while not being willing to respect theirs would seem to me to be an even faster track to annoyance and frustration.

Have a little patience and maybe change your outlook about those who ask questions...if they never get beyond that...or they cannot combine conversation about vanilla/romantic/kinky/D-s...then move on.

One last thing...my submissives have never known who I voted for nor have I known who they voted for. While I would not match up well with a complete far-left individual, I haven't done too badly with those of a more liberal bent than my own conservative one. Politics is not the only definer of the person. Many of my values are conservative...not all. I like dogs. Not all that sure of Bush. Can't stand Hillary. Barack has his good points. And on and on.

(in reply to GeekyGirl)

Post #: 31

RE: Getting to know each other: A lost art? - 2/9/2007 9:18:30 AM

SirDominic

Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

All part of being a Dominant, right feralcat? We have all sorts of tricks up our sleeves those poor subs never see coming. Almost makes me feel for them, NOT.

Sir Dominic

(in reply to feralcat)

Post #: 32

RE: Getting to know each other: A lost art? - 2/9/2007 10:33:41 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

The thing is........this isn't a grocery store, and few people have *ads* about themselves in grocery stores, either.........if we did, we'd have to deal with exactly the same thing...some lewd comments and a lot of people getting the *wrong idea*, or coming at it from a different angle.

It's not really *boy meets girl* on a site like this ....it's not a chance encounter........people are actively looking for *something* and some tend to be more pragmatic about those things than others. Unless you write a book about yourself in a profile, you can't cover all the things that people may want to know before investing time in you.

I don't think it's *rude* to be asked about my sex-life from the first moment, per se........it's just an indication that this person is leaping from a different springboard than I am. You know, lots of people have no problem discussing those things pretty quickly.

I probably think a bit differently, but for a guy to *befriend* me, means that he doesn't have anything OTHER than friends in mind. It's quite tricky to completely drop the *maybe/ potential* aspect if you're a-hunting/hoping.

agirl

(in reply to GeekyGirl)

Post #: 33

RE: Getting to know each other: A lost art? - 2/9/2007 2:31:05 PM

GeekyGirl

Posts: 905
Joined: 8/21/2006
Status: offline

Thank you for all the responses. You have all made good, valid points.

The reason I don't talk about sex in my profile is because it really doesn't matter to me. The sex life is the dominant's decision and I will do whatever makes him happy with the exception of my hard limits. If he's into humiliation, then so I am. If he's into flogging, so am I. I have always noticed that my sexual interests change with the dominant I am with. I can't fill out a checklist about what I like, because what I like varies depending on my partner.

Besides, I think it's kind of weird to sit here and have a conversation with someone and they already know the gory details of my perversion. That's just kind of creepy to know that the person I'm trading niceties with already knows I like watersports of some such. Maybe it's irrational but it sort of freaks me out.

I think part of my issue is that the vanilla things I want are SOOOO specific that I don't even want to discuss kink until I've weeded out whether he's a vanilla match (and I understand that apparantly they want to do things vice versa..weed out on kink before vanilla needs.) You would think my profile would automatically weed out those with different interests, but it doesn't. For example I still get tons of emails from dom's who have young unmentionables even though I state in my profile that I desire a person with no small UMs.,

I can adjust to almost any kink and enjoy it just because it makes my dominant happy. As long as it doesn't violate my hard limits, I don't care what the kink it is. I have a huge sex drive and I enjoy most kinds of kinky sex. But sex isn't the focus of a relationship. Friendship and vanilla compatiblity have to come first.

I just think it indicates something about a human being when they bring up sex before vanilla...to me it says, "I'm more interested in how compatible we are in bed than how compatible we are in real life." I think it indicates that person's priorities. It doesn't make them a bad person...but it makes them a person I'm not compatable with because I know that they think sex is a bigger priority than I do.

My sexual kinks are fluid and will change to suit the needs of the dominant. I have participated in many kinks and been involved in relationships that varied from 24/7 to weekend only. I've seen the extreme side of the perspective and the almost-vanilla side of the perspective. These things change for me depending on the interests of my partner. However, ,my vanilla interests are fixed. It doesn't matter that we both enjoy bondage, flogging, and discipline if you happen to be a homophobic animal hating republican or if you have UM's or if you're of a religion I don't want to be involved with etc .

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 34

RE: Getting to know each other: A lost art? - 2/9/2007 2:44:47 PM

Raphael

Posts: 263
Joined: 5/10/2005
Status: offline

Perhaps then you just need to make your profile as clear as your post here.

And then be happy that you can rule those guys out so quickly ;)

(in reply to GeekyGirl)

Post #: 35

RE: Getting to know each other: A lost art? - 2/9/2007 2:46:20 PM

Raphael

Posts: 263
Joined: 5/10/2005
Status: offline

Eeep? Where'd my pic go? :P

(in reply to Raphael)

Post #: 36

RE: Getting to know each other: A lost art? - 2/9/2007 2:47:15 PM

GeekyGirl

Posts: 905
Joined: 8/21/2006
Status: offline

That's where I'm confused...my profile does seem clear on those points to me. I clearly state I am open minded sexually but looking for "friends first." How can I decide to submit to someone I don't know? I want to spend time with him, go out with him, see how he treats his friends and his family and his pets, etc before I decide to get intimate.

(in reply to Raphael)

Post #: 37

RE: Getting to know each other: A lost art? - 2/9/2007 2:55:43 PM

LTRsubNW

Posts: 1604
Joined: 5/6/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GeekyGirl

Whatever happened to getting to know someone that you are romantically interested in?

I tried that shit.

Cash is more effective.

_____________________________

Small deeds will always mean more than large intentions.

(in reply to GeekyGirl)

Post #: 38

RE: Getting to know each other: A lost art? - 2/9/2007 3:30:54 PM

defiantbadgirl

Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline

I run into alot of men both kinky and vanilla who's idea of getting to know someone is sex on the first or second meet. In fact, for most, it's a requirement. If this requirement is not met, they move on because the woman is "leading them on." For most men, getting to know each other is definitely a lost art.

(in reply to GeekyGirl)

Post #: 39

RE: Getting to know each other: A lost art? - 2/9/2007 3:31:19 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GeekyGirl

That's where I'm confused...my profile does seem clear on those points to me. I clearly state I am open minded sexually but looking for "friends first." How can I decide to submit to someone I don't know? I want to spend time with him, go out with him, see how he treats his friends and his family and his pets, etc before I decide to get intimate.

.........Some chaps will struggle to get past the *sexually open minded* statement.......... It can have the effect of deadening everything except the part that responds to statements such as * sexually open minded*.

Ok, that was lighthearted.

Slightly more seriously.......... If you're *sexually open minded* .......some chaps may assume that *just* talking about it will not be a big deal. I mean , it's JUST talking, after all.

agirl

(in reply to GeekyGirl)

Post #: 40

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