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RE: being laughed at by your Master - 2/11/2007 8:09:09 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

You are the one assuming that A) her dom is performing psychotherapy on her and that she expects him to. And B)You are also assuming she does not have an adequate therapist already... these were just two assumptions I was unwilling to make in this case... although I have made assumptions before, and will probably do so again. You also make a huge leap that one needs to be perfectly mentally well before having any sort of BDSM relationship. No one would be in one if that were the case... we all have "something" we deal with... whether it be the past, an illness that causes us distress, grieving. If we all waited to be perfect before having a relationship there would be no relationships.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 21

RE: being laughed at by your Master - 2/11/2007 8:32:59 PM

obey1

Posts: 227
Joined: 11/26/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

If we all waited to be perfect before having a relationship there would be no relationships.

Yes there would. It would be RobotDom and Robotsub. You could even make a funny cartoon out of it that would make certain people laugh and others to sob.

(Hi Julia!

)

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 22

RE: being laughed at by your Master - 2/11/2007 8:39:12 PM

obey1

Posts: 227
Joined: 11/26/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Not enough info to make a decision on.

Damn straight. One little soundbite.

My unempathetic self says you're being oversensitive, irrational and need to calmly discuss your feelings with your dom and allow him the chance to explain his perspective.

Nawwww, that's too 'Nilla!

Sometimes laughing is just how it is- you slaves sometimes have no idea how ridiculous your own ideas are. We don't want to hurt your feelings, but sometimes a reaction comes out and you can't do anything about it.

When I was five, my brother threw my Lego Vibrator set at me! (sob, sob, sob)

Wouldn't you want to be given the chance to explain and be forgiven for an automatic outburst and use this as an opportunity to build communication between you both towards a stronger connection?

Yes, his laughter indicates general disbelief or an emotional or intellectual disconnect. Anyone? Defense....Anyone? Defense Mechanism...

I think that's a lot better than just spewing out on a message board and saying he's a big bad wrong meanie.

Oh, but that is what the message boards are for, my dearie!

We rarely get more than a brief paragraph here to exorcise the demons.

"My Dom cut me with a broken Vodka bottle. Is that normal?"

< Message edited by obey1 -- 2/11/2007 8:41:08 PM >

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 23

RE: being laughed at by your Master - 2/11/2007 10:54:07 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

My Dom cut me with a broken Vodka bottle. Is that normal?"

Hey, I will have to run this one by my Daddy since we are going to start knife playing

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to obey1)

Post #: 24

RE: being laughed at by your Master - 2/11/2007 11:34:06 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

My Dom cut me with a broken Vodka bottle. Is that normal?"

Hey, I will have to run this one by my Daddy since we are going to start knife playing

I think there's a difference between knife play and broken bottle play

Although the latter could be interesting....but damn, alcohol in a wound? Now there's some good fun!!

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 25

RE: being laughed at by your Master - 2/12/2007 6:39:24 AM

viperess

Posts: 290
Joined: 11/6/2006
Status: offline

Oh knife play....so much fun

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 26

RE: being laughed at by your Master - 2/12/2007 6:56:17 AM

MaryT

Posts: 553
Joined: 12/8/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
Not knowing the specifics I just cannot comment. I do not know if he was trying to help you make light of your problems by helping you to laugh at yourself, or what his intent was.

My ex-husband used to laugh at me if he thought I was getting overly upset about something insignificant. His intent was not to hurt me. He genuinely found it funny that I went to pieces over nothing and was probably hoping that I would see the humor in it too. Sometimes it worked.

That would be the question in my mind. Was his intent to hurt you?

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 27

RE: being laughed at by your Master - 2/12/2007 7:34:34 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

This is one of those things that should have been discussed before you accepted him. Many men are acutely uncomfortable with a woman's tears. They disparage a woman who cries, claim it's deliberately manipulative etc. Personally I don't have any time for a man like that.

I laid my emotional history out on the table first including the fact that all I needed when I cried was to be held. He had no trouble with it. He hates seeing me that upset but his boundaries are secure enough that he can separate his reactions from mine.

Next time, make sure you choose well by talking about these sorts of things first. And not bothering to mention you have a serious illness like depression is lying by omission.

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 28

RE: being laughed at by your Master - 2/12/2007 8:17:25 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

there was an interesting show on NPR the other day, there was a female 2 male transsexual who, upon taking testosterone for some time, said that it was very hard for him to cry, it just wouldn't come, rather he would sit quietly and muse, and said that while a woman the faucet was easy to turn on, and indeed thought that there is a strong correllation to the hormones. I also wonder if it goes the other way.

Ron

< Message edited by mnottertail -- 2/12/2007 8:20:44 AM >

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 29

RE: being laughed at by your Master - 2/12/2007 6:00:32 PM

velvetvixen68

Posts: 10
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

lol viperess sis you know you gotta beg better than that lol..hmmm Maybe we can convince Master we need to feel the cold blade again..hmmmm wicked thoughts lol

velvetvixen68
slave to CTDOM4sub
heart sister to viperess

(in reply to viperess)

Post #: 30

RE: being laughed at by your Master - 2/12/2007 7:07:56 PM

WillowRain

Posts: 191
Joined: 6/18/2006
Status: offline

First let me preface this by saying that if my Sir reads this, I'm pretty sure his first responce will be something along the lines of, "I wish she would take her own advice."

Go get the book Non Violent Communication and read it, try the stuff in it.

Focus on your own feelings and needs, not what he did. You need to share with him what type of stuff comforts you. Everyone is differant and he is a man not a magic mythical being. If you close down you will likely not get your needs met. Good luck!

Master Jack's Colorado snowstorm,
Willow

(in reply to flaylingslave)

Post #: 31

RE: being laughed at by your Master - 2/13/2007 2:27:53 AM

beltainefaerie

Posts: 610
Joined: 4/15/2006
Status: offline

Sometimes people laugh at times that seem odd to others. It can be awkward and socially innappropriate. My husband laughs at beauty. Any emotion that leaves him in awe will have him laughing. Parts of movies that are so romantic that many people cry, he will laugh. When we were first together, he laughed during sex. Watching our girlfiend come, he laughs. She was weirded out at first and thought he was laughing at her. We had to explain that it was more like he was laughing near her. My Master sometimes laughs at my pain, whether emotional or physical, though usually when he is the one that caused it. Probably the combination of being used to my husband laughing at odd things and the understanding that my Master is actually a sadist have cause it not to bother me unduly. The fact that he can enjoy and even laugh at my distress is part of why we enjoy each other. Other people might just think he was being a callous ass.

For your situation, I would continue to talk it out with him. I am amazed at how many people on these boards jump immediately to "dump him" as if we don't have huge emotional investment in our relationships. Talk with him and see if you can figure out why he laughed and help him to understand why it is a big deal to you.

(in reply to WillowRain)

Post #: 32

RE: being laughed at by your Master - 2/13/2007 2:42:14 AM

CrazyC

Posts: 949
Joined: 9/28/2006
Status: offline

Could it possably be that he thought you were so damn cute in this state that he couldn't help it?

I really don't know about the situation, but it might to realize that not all actions are against you. Whatever his explanation is, trust it and go on.

_____________________________

"You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back." Barbara De Angelis

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 33

RE: being laughed at by your Master - 2/14/2007 10:46:26 PM

velvetears

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline

Laughter isn't always what it appears to be. i once felt very uneasy, nervous and somewhat guilty for something that had happened and when my ex questioned me about it, i was so overwhelmed with my emotions i laughed. He became furious with me and backhanded me across the face for the "disrespect" i showed him. He had no idea the emotion behind the laughter i was exhibiting. Perhaps in your situation your Master simply became overhwelmed by your show of emotion and his laughter wasn't really "laughter" but more of a nervous or "i don't know how to respond" kind of reaction. Just a thought.

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to CrazyC)

Post #: 34

RE: being laughed at by your Master - 2/15/2007 12:44:30 AM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

lol... I get laughed at all the time. The first time, I was just as stunned and hurt as you are now. I told him "Please don't laugh at me." That made him laugh all the harder.

He said "This is my laughter. You don't get to control what comes out of my mouth. If I find something humorous, I'm going to laugh."

I was angry. I was hurt. I was indignant as hell.

Then he pointed out that what I was saying was kind of ridiculous. What was funnier is that I believed what I was saying - and he showed me how backward I was indeed thinking. He did so while gently laughing the whole time. He didn't waste time and effort with all the nicey nicey hugs and "there there you poor girl with such a horrible history that you have to sit here now and keep crying" mentality. He did so with a "that's in the past. You have a choice. You can keep crying over it or move on from it." mentality. He's abrupt that way. It's one of the things I like about him. He also explained - again - that he's a sadist - an emotional sadist to boot. My tears over things emotional struck something in him and while he understood the tears, the fact is, I wasn't really hurting. It was a memory. That's all it was. When he put things into a perspective I started to understand, I found they didn't hurt as much as I thought they did.

By the time he was done, I was seeing the humor in what I was previously crying over. I was laughing too. And in one short conversation he completely turned around my views on someone else's laughter in these kinds of situations and more importantly, what I was crying over.

Now days, there are things that I still cry over. Sometimes, he is fully sympathetic. Sometimes, he laughs. He knows the difference between me having a genuine reason to cry and when I'm not looking at the bigger picture. When he laughs, I'm able, more and more, to step back away from the pain that's making me cry to see the humor that's making him laugh. In short, I don't find myself feeling sorry for myself as much as I used to. When he laughs, I find I now have something I can hold on to instead of giving myself over to tears (but then, I'm someone who hates to cry, so that's important to me.) Finally, I no longer rationalize my tears as being all that damned important that someone else can't laugh if they feel the need.

An example: I was car-jacked. In my car was my collar. When the police came, I held it together enough to get through the information gathering process. At that point, I hadn't even realized my collar was in the car (I knew it, it's just that in that moment, it wasn't the first thing on my mind.). My Master came to pick me up and take me home. I was in the car still holding things together - no tears. Then, I remembered that my collar was in the car. The tears started when I told him what I'd lost. He just laughed and said "well, just think of the guy wearing it while getting fucked in the ass." I couldn't help it. I started giggling and eventually was laughing hard.

The point of his laughter was that I'd been CAR-JACKED. People often don't just lose collars from that experience. They lose their lives. To him, it was hilarious that in the light of that, I was crying over a piece of leather and metal. When he started laughing, I started laughing.

A moment later, he was serious as a heartbeat when he told me how afraid for me he'd been, and how angry with himself he was because he'd had a bad feeling about me going to where I was but ignored it. He was taking the blame for something neither of us had any control over, and he was helping me through everything.

And I learned. He can laugh any time he wants to cause generally he sees more than I do in those moments. And I stopped taking offense just because he was laughing. I don't get to control what he says or thinks is humorous and I don't have to be offended. It's his choice to feel humor or not and it's my choice to be offended or not.

I choose to try to see the bigger picture rather than being so full of myself that I demand he think and feel exactly like me.

juliet

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 35

RE: being laughed at by your Master - 2/15/2007 12:54:20 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

Great post, Juliet and except for the car-jacking incident (wow!), I can echo all you have said as I've received the same lessons from my Master. Thanks for putting it to such good words. Now when he laughs at me, I feel utter joy at his amusement - to see him laugh, for whatever reason even if at me, makes my world light up. This is one of the many ways he has taught me not to let my past rule my present. I'm glad you've been able to overcome, also.

(in reply to julietsierra)

Post #: 36

RE: being laughed at by your Master - 2/15/2007 4:42:04 PM

Valyraen

Posts: 746
Joined: 2/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CrazyC

Could it possably be that he thought you were so damn cute in this state that he couldn't help it?

I really don't know about the situation, but it might to realize that not all actions are against you. Whatever his explanation is, trust it and go on.

I can personally vouch on this one. My girl will get incredibly upset about things sometimes, large or small, and breaks down into an adorable little ball of impotent arm flailing and big, whooping sobs. Now, I enjoy/suffer from an ability to see the humor in everything, so I usually can't help myself and start laughing, or grinning at the very least. It's got nothing to do with being unsympathetic to her - I'm always there if she needs a shoulder to cry on - it's that I'm looking at the situation objectively and finding it damn funny.

To the OP: emotional walls make the hurt go away... but they keep everything else out, as well. I kept myself walled up tight for years after being severely mind-fucked as a teenager, until I realized that I was shutting out my whole life by keeping those walls up. Perhaps I'm a bit of a masochist, but I welcome the highs and the lows of my emotions because it's better than being numb. I've shared very personal, very vulnerable things with other people and been laughed at, and yes, it hurt. Still does, as a matter of fact. I think that some of the other parcels of advice in this thread are great ideas for coping with this... so has he explained his reasons for laughing at you when you were in such a vulnerable place?

(in reply to CrazyC)

Post #: 37

RE: being laughed at by your Master - 2/15/2007 5:02:27 PM

adaddysgirl

Posts: 1093
Joined: 3/2/2004
From: Syracuse, NY
Status: offline

i think i might have been traumatized by such an occurrence. Why? Because although i am an empath and cry much easier over other's pain, i very, very, very rarely cry over my own. And when i do, i would not expect laughter as a response.

For example, i cried (a lot) when my father passed away. If i ever had a partner who laughed at that, i would just be beside myself.

i have been laughed at for crying during sad movies or cartoons even, and that is different. But if something was really an emotional issue for me, and i felt vulnerable because of it, laughing at it would just be soooo uncool. Hope i never experience that

Sorry it happened to you.

Daddysgirl

(in reply to flaylingslave)

Post #: 38

RE: being laughed at by your Master - 2/15/2007 6:27:32 PM

andreaC

Posts: 195
Joined: 10/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: viperess

Greetings,

Sometimes writing your Master a letter explaining what you think and feel can be a good idea. It gives Him a chance to read and reflect what you are going through but even better is the fact once you have written it down you are able to then get out amny of the feeling you are having.

viperess slave of CTDOM4sub

I used to do that.....writing an email to Master, i dont do it as much now cause a few issues have been solved, but i know it will happen again. At first, i was afraid he would think i am a basket case, but i trusted him and went ahead and wrote emails.

The results was that he would get very sad from reading my emails, but at the same time honored and happy that i would share this dark part of me.

Referring to kittensmailbox message, my Master knows that the day i wont be able to express my feelings/emotions than that will be the end of it........its who i am and i think after 6 yrs......he isnt planning on changing that part of me.......he says it makes me be real

.

_____________________________

andreaC - owned by Master Carrera2
Complete and extremely happy :)
Jeg elsker deg Herre

(in reply to viperess)

Post #: 39

RE: being laughed at by your Master - 2/15/2007 6:35:54 PM

BabyNyla

Posts: 578
Joined: 9/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: viperess

Greetings,

Sometimes writing your Master a letter explaining what you think and feel can be a good idea. It gives Him a chance to read and reflect what you are going through but even better is the fact once you have written it down you are able to then get out amny of the feeling you are having.

viperess slave of CTDOM4sub

This quote is awesome because it's exactly what I do. I keep a livejournal that I often write in when I have certain emotions going on. My Dom/hubby is not always the best at listening to things I have to say, so when he reads things, it tends to click better in his head. I also have a hard time verbalizing my thoughts and feelings.

_____________________________

My Journal

(in reply to viperess)

Post #: 40

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