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Questions about when to Re-locate for a Dominant... - 2/11/2007 9:33:39 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		I am wondering how submissives or slaves know just when it is wise to Re-locate to be living close to a Master or Dominant - and when it might not be? Are there any general guidelines you use?

*What are the questions you ask yourself?

*What are the questions you ask your Dominant - or that he insists you ask yourself - or that he asks himself - and you?

I have spent my entire life (w/the exception of a few years in my twenties) in the city I live in now. My entire immediate family, and all of my close friends, are here in the town where I currently live.

If (when) I move to where my Dominant is located, I would give these up. I'd also have to sell my house (which I imagine might take a few months. But I was planning to do that anyway, so that's not a big deal to me).

I am not saying I would mind moving - I would even be looking forward to it - I want to be close to him geographically - plus, it sounds exciting in so many ways - my Daddy lives in a large city (larger than the one I am from anyway), and also there is no snow in his part of the country (I won't miss the snow!). But - there are some things I know I'll miss. 

I am pretty sure I can find a job (he isn't real keen on the idea of me having a job there, but not totally opposed, either).

We haven't discussed this at length, yet - but he is hinting that it is something he thinks is going to happen, at some point in the not-too-distant future. Of course we both know there is much left to discuss before I would do this. Plus, we need to get to know eachother better.

**What kind of "back-up plan" do you need to have for yourself if things don't work out? My Daddy assumes we'll be living together immediately - and while this seems attractive to us both, in many ways, I am not sure I don't think my own apartment might not be a better idea - at least for a few months, at first. I would also also have 10K in a special bank account for myself to use to move home if "things" don't work out. I am not trying to be negative, just realistic.

So - I am asking for other people to throw their two cents in - if they've been in this position (of having to re-locate to be near their Master or Dominant). Or, even if they just have an opinion.

Thanks.

- Susan     

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 2/11/2007 9:43:50 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson
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RE: Questions about when to re-locate... - 2/11/2007 9:39:18 PM   
GeekyGirl


Posts: 905
Joined: 8/21/2006
Status: offline 		I would imagine it's a highly personal thing...for me, it is simply not an option.

I was contacted by someone out of state earlier today and when I stated that I was not interested due to his location, he acted quite shocked. "You mean you wouldn't relocate for the right man????"

This prompted me to make a journal entry on the subject, which I'll copy here. It specifies within the requirements which I would need to be in place before I would consider relocating:

Ok, I know I've said this at least twice, but let's try again as I am STILL getting emails from people who don't understand.  I AM SEEKING LOCAL PEOPLE ONLY. I am NOT willing to relocate. It is completely beyond me why some dominants assume that being a submissive=having no life and being able to relocate at the snap of a man's fingers.First of all, I have a decent JOB with a good retirement plan. I use that job to pay for my many hobbies and spending habits. If you want me to relocate, I suggest you be someone who makes enough money that I don't need to worry about my job or retirement.Secondly, I have family, pets, and friends that I care for, including aging parents...so if you want me to relocate, I suggest you have a house big enough for me, my 3 best friends, my 2 parents, my aunt, my 7 dogs, 3 cats, and 5 horses.It goes without saying that you better either either A) make enough money to board my horses at a decent stable  (approx $300 a month per horse at most places) or B) own pasture land and proper horse facilities as good as the ones I own now (in other words a 5 stall indoor barn with electricity, a large lighted arena, a round pen, an electronic exercise walker, and a large pasture area etc. You know what, for that matter,since I'd be the one relocating, I think you should have BETTER facilities than mine, so throw in a COVERED arena and an equine swimming pool).Now, if you email me asking me to relocate, please send pictures of equestrian facility and house with enough bedrooms for all the people who are coming with me.And yes, I'm being a smart ass about all this for those of you too dense to figure it out. 

< Message edited by GeekyGirl -- 2/11/2007 9:41:32 PM >

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RE: Questions about when to re-locate... - 2/11/2007 9:41:21 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Thanks for the reply, Geeky Girl. I appreciate it.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

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RE: Questions about when to re-locate... - 2/11/2007 9:43:51 PM   
GeekyGirl


Posts: 905
Joined: 8/21/2006
Status: offline 		You're welcome :) I was being a bit flippant but my main gist is this: If he asks you to move, he should be able to make it worth your while by providing you with everything you had to begin with at least. In my specific circumstances, that would mean that he would need to, at the very least, be able to provide housing for all my animals. And who knows..maybe some uber rich rancher in wyoming or something will take me up on the offer and move the whole family up there :)

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RE: Questions about when to Re-locate for a Dominant... - 2/11/2007 9:47:48 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		This surprises me.  You've been out of your abusive relationship for less than six months and within the past two months have gotten into and become so deeply involved with someone that you'd seriously consider enmeshing your entire life with him which would somehow mean you moving and leaving behind your entire support system to be with him?

It's actually more than speed than the choice which concerns me. 

Why don't you ask yoruself what advice you would give to an 18 year old who came to you less than 6 months after getting out of an abusive relationship, after only knowing this person for 2 months, who wanted her to move to his new place, immediately moving in and only grudgingly ok with her having her own job?

_____________________________

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"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Questions about when to re-locate... - 2/11/2007 9:48:40 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Well, he makes a great income, so that's not a problem, really. I also am pretty well off right now, so I don't really anticipate any financial issues. I am not opposed to the idea of moving - in fact, if we want to continue this relationship in any meaningflul way (for us) we know that's what one of us will have to do.

He has his whole work practice set up in his city, and I don't even have a job right now, so it only makes sense for me to be the one to do the moving. 

I know I'd be flying home several times a year to see my family, probably. I could ask my friends to come and visit, I suppose. 

I very much appreciate your input and comments, btw.

**I am not opposed to moving, really - but before I'd do it, I am wondering what things other submissives in this situation ask themselves (as well as their Dominants).
 

LA: Your comments do make sense to me - and I am considering them (I really am).
- Susan 

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 2/11/2007 10:07:18 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

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RE: Questions about when to re-locate... - 2/11/2007 9:52:55 PM   
GeekyGirl


Posts: 905
Joined: 8/21/2006
Status: offline 		With the additional info that you've only known the person two months, I would caution agaisnt it. Heck, it takes a good 6 months to a year to even get to know a person and decide if you're really compatible with them (or such has been my experience.) I certainly would say that if I was in a situation to relocate, I wouldn't do it until I had been dating that person at LEAST a year and probably more like 2yrs, since that seems to also be a time frame when relationships fall apart for me.

I was in a vanilla relationship with someone for a year and half and he relocated to be with me...we were broken up less than 6 months later. I realized that there is an awful lot you can't learn about a person when you only see each other for a few days at time. Turns out the man was IMPOSSIBLE to live with. Point being, make sure you really really know him first and even then, I would recommend getting your own place for a year or so.

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RE: Questions about when to re-locate... - 2/11/2007 9:57:30 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Welll, that's an excellent point. While I do think living in his city is probably overall a good idea - that way we'd get to know eachother faster (vs. me or him flying to see eachother a few times a year) - I do think I want my own apartment. I dunno, I just want my own apartment. I can't put my finger on why, exactly. It really has nothing to do with him - I just feel a need to maintain that part of my own identity, I guess.

We've both discussed how we each really "need our space" - he doesn't go for "clingy" types, and I am not a "clingy" type (in particular). I hope this doesn't mean I am not a "true submissive" (hehehe). I mean, he wants a real and true and honest and close relationship - he just doesn't particularly appreciate extra-needy, dependent types - and I am not that type, so that's good.

As far as being a good person - so far, he strikes me as ultra-reliable and super-responsible. He is also very caring, and a lot of fun. I don't foresee a whole lot of problems. All of his past relationships lasted a looong time (years and years) - if that's any indication of what is to come for us. But - I still think it is wise to take it one step at a time, I guess. 

I guess the reason I brought it up is that I can't see this relationship progressing very fast, unless one of us moves. And he is in much less of a position to move than me.

- Susan 

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 2/11/2007 10:08:10 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

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RE: Questions about when to re-locate... - 2/11/2007 10:02:07 PM   
GeekyGirl


Posts: 905
Joined: 8/21/2006
Status: offline 		I think it makes you intelligent and rational :)

Ultimately, do what will make you happy. I know for me, relocating would make me miserable (I would miss my friends and family far too much, plus I love my job.) If you think the move will be good for you and make you happier, then it's a good thing. Just make sure you can live with the decision to move should the relationship go south (seeing as how you'll probably be stuck there at least until your lease is up.)

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RE: Questions about when to Re-locate for a Dominant... - 2/11/2007 10:02:15 PM   
obey1


Posts: 227
Joined: 11/26/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

I am wondering how submissives or slaves know just when it is wise to Re-locate to be living close to a Master or Dominant - and when it might not be? Are there any general guidelines you use?
 
Yes, Susanof "O".  They first need to kidnap you.  And that takes alot of money.


*What are the questions you ask yourself? 

Did I wake up blindfolded with a DP breakfast and a chain around my waist?  That is what "O" would have done!



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RE: Questions about when to re-locate... - 2/11/2007 10:02:40 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		If you simply must relocate get your own place first.

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RE: Questions about when to Re-locate for a Dominant... - 2/11/2007 10:05:34 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		obey1: Good response! (hehe).

YourHandMyAss: Good point. I think so, too. Thnak you.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

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RE: Questions about when to re-locate... - 2/11/2007 10:06:30 PM   
CandleInTheWind


Posts: 347
Joined: 10/20/2006
Status: offline 		i personally would NOT sell my house...I would rent it out and keep it...after all you lost eh ability to move back if things do not work out...and well what happned when you have cash laying around?? with me  it gets spent!!  be sides the house is tax deductable if you do not buy another house afte sellign this one you will pay a hefty capital gains tax on the money!!

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It is better to be hated for something that you are
than it is to be loved for something you are not

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RE: Questions about when to re-locate... - 2/11/2007 10:09:41 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		CandleIntheWind: I hadn't thought of renting out my house - but that is a possibility, I guess. Thanks for bringing it up.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 2/11/2007 10:28:40 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to CandleInTheWind)
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RE: Questions about when to re-locate... - 2/11/2007 10:11:47 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		I thought I would like to live with my x and we lived right here in town together,  he oftens pent 2 weeks every week w/ith me, and sometimes almost a month. and he turned out to be a bitch to live with. wouldn't pick up after himself, only wanted to fuck all day or watch tv. he wasted tons of food, he wouldn't eat what was fixed sometimes perfering to eat up all the microwavable food. he drank like a whole 24 pack of soda's in one day on and on and on.

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RE: Questions about when to re-locate... - 2/11/2007 10:13:41 PM   
taintedgypsy


Posts: 228
Joined: 2/10/2007
Status: offline 		I moved accross the country and left all behind 12 months ago. I took up a job 2 hrs away from where he lives. I do not regret the decission but things are not working out as well as I would have liked (or He would have liked ), it is not over but it is not good either. If I had it all over to do again, I would still do it, but there are quite a few things that I would do differently. Strange how hind sight is always 20/20 vission lol.

There are a couple of things I would like to mention here

a: be prepared for the loss of your network and family, in touch by phone is not the same thing and I grossly underestimated the effect it would have on me and was quite traumatised for the first couple of months.

b: change is good but unsettling and when you have the anticipation/anxiety of a newish relationship on top of this it can be very unsettling. So much change, new relationship things, new job, new place, new faces, new living arrangements, I found my self longing for something familar.

c; be kind to yourself, allow yourself time to settle in, do not rush things, give yourselves and things time to adjust to the new situation or you risk an emotional rollercoaster ride from hell.

There is a wise saying that I have grown to appreciate of late;

"only fools rush in where angels fear to tread"

warm smiles and good luck

edited for lack of attention to spelling lol

< Message edited by taintedgypsy -- 2/11/2007 10:14:40 PM >

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RE: Questions about when to Re-locate for a Dominant... - 2/11/2007 10:15:42 PM   
moonspirit43


Posts: 25
Joined: 1/21/2005
Status: offline 		I moved across the world to be with my now husband.  That was three years ago.  I had known him for almost 2 years prior to that online and had spent what seemed like at least 2 hours a day every day on the phone to him for at least 6 months.

2 months is not enough time to really know someone.  I knew that the person I was moving to had the same life goals as me, similar interests, very compatible in many ways, etc.  You should meet him in person before you go and spend time with him.  But not at your house or his house to start.

If you get to know each other a lot more, moving to his city into your own apartment, with your own job sounds like a good idea.

As for things to talk about - everything.  Do either of you want kids? If so, when?  Are either of you opposed to marriage someday while the other expects it?  Monogamous or poly?  Where could his career take him in the future?  What about yours?  Do you both expect the same things (right now) out of a D/s relationship?  What does he do in his spare time?  His hobbies?  Yours?  What movies and books do both of you like to see/read?

Moving in with someone means all of their life becomes part of yours.  Not just the BDSM and D/s.  If you aren't compatible as normal human beings it won't work out.

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RE: Questions about when to re-locate... - 2/11/2007 10:15:52 PM   
BabyNyla


Posts: 578
Joined: 9/15/2006
Status: offline 		I was so bad ... but I refused to relocate till I had a wedding ring on my finger ... and then when I got that ... I refused to do anything till he enlisted me in his medical insurance ... So now when he fulfills one need he tends to ask me what needs to be done next ... hehe

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RE: Questions about when to re-locate... - 2/11/2007 10:20:21 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		worst most of all was my x was a super soaked wet blanket, he didn't like any of the things I did, and wouldn't even attempt to do them with me, or entertain himself while I did my thing next to him, so I often ended up in the back alone doing my thing while he refused to join me or waitin till he went home so I got some peace to do anything I wanted.

If you do move in make sure ya like enough of the same things to be comfortable, or have two tv's or something. I always ended up pu tting up w/ith his juvinal pouting when he  didn't want to watch what I wanted to, or we watched something he liked but bored me to death. common interests and no bad habbits you can't abide are important.

< Message edited by YourhandMyAss -- 2/11/2007 10:26:34 PM >

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RE: Questions about when to Re-locate for a Dominant... - 2/11/2007 10:26:19 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

I am wondering how submissives or slaves know just when it is wise to Re-locate to be living close to a Master or Dominant - and when it might not be? Are there any general guidelines you use?

 
I have had a couple of glasses of wine, so if I ramble on or you do not understand my points, let me know

I think this is such an individual thing it is hard to universalize.

quote:

I have spent my entire life (w/the exception of a few years in my twenties) in the city I live in now. My entire immediate family, and all of my close friends, are here in the town where I currently live.

If (when) I move to where my Dominant is located, I would give these up. I'd also have to sell my house (which I imagine might take a few months. But I was planning to do that anyway, so that's not a big deal to me).

I am not saying I would mind moving - I would even be looking forward to it - I want to be close to him geographically - plus, it sounds exciting in so many ways - my Daddy lives in a large city (larger than the one I am from anyway), and also there is no snow in his part of the country (I won't miss the snow!). But - there are some things I know I'll miss. 



There is nothing that you do that cannot be changed Susan. There is nothing that you do that cannot be undone if you wish.

I would suggest renting your house for a short period of time maybe? You  could have a property management agency manage your property, enabling you to do your thing.

You are not losing friends or family, are you? They may not be a daily part of your life, but they love you.

I left my home town of 30 years to pursue my education. I am moving again to pursue the same. It IS exciting. One cannot accomplish anything without some risk Susan.

I am going to be moving in a few months. I may move in with a certain Dom we all know, we may take a few more months to decide to live with each other after I am in the area, but moving there I am, either way. My future lies where he is, even if my future did not lie with him. I guess my litmus test was this, if  we ended up being just friends, would it be worth it, Yes it Would!

I have different circumstances than you do Susan. I have one underage unmentionable. My commitment to my guy (the unmentionable) comes first for a while longer. I want to make sure I do not put pressure on either man I love. If we are all living together I want everyone to be happy about that. This takes time to integrate. We have time...smiles. I have a feeling it will all work out, but I would not want to create a hurried situation. I am also going to be starting graduate school, and the move, my relationship means so much to me that I would not want to harm it by pushing it forward prematurely. I appreciate my Daddy too much to create an unworkable situation for us. In the long run it is up to him, what he decides.

In your case you have nothing to risk but perhaps your home you own. You have every reason to start over in an exciting new place. You will be leaving behind outdated patterns with the support system. There is nothing more exciting than change.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to SusanofO)
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