novicecourtesan -> Spotting a Fake Dom (2/12/2007 9:46:24 PM)
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I could use some advice on an interesting situation. Before discovering this site, I posted on craigslist. After weeding out the crazies, I came upon a reasonably normal, sane man who was interested in the same things (vanilla and bdsm) and decided to IM, talk on the phone, and meet him, in that order. Our IMs were a bit racy but nothing too bad--after all, I was advertising very specifically. He was much more sexually experienced than I was and had subs before. As usual, I was very specific about what I was looking for. He was very nice, we had chemistry and we started making plans to see each other in a week. I was clear that I wanted a dom/sub relationship in the bedroom (to start), and we decided to leave the details over dinner when we met. He was respectful, promised to go slow and be attentive, and IM'd me constantly--more than I can handle. Our IM's meanwhile, got really racy, and I sent him an incredibly dirty letter listing all the things I wanted him to do to me when we met and individually. I was really excited; I *almost* felt virginal. Saturday he checks in and asks me to choose a Middle Eastern restaurant. Sunday, attempting to be a good sub, I spent doing my laundry to have appropriate clothes and lingerie, cleaning my room, choosing a restaurant (vegetarian, for him) and waiting. At noon I IM'd, at 5 I texted and at 7, on the advice of a friend, I called. No response all night. Three strikes you're out, right? Was he testing me? I would have been depressed but then I started googling my questions and discovered this site. I suddenly realized I had many, many more options--that what I wanted was out there. (Thanks to this board, in part!). Just as I was chatting with the first person I met here, the would-be dom started IM'ing me as if nothing happened. I ignored him all day (options, people, options!) until the pestering finally got to me and I wrote him back. He had no excuse, and no test. He had gone upstate on saturday and then gotten back on monday. He had no access to email, text or cell. He "asked to make it up to me" but there was no indication that he was sorry, until he realized I was mad and thinking very seriously about not seeing him again. Then he tried to woo me by saying how much he wanted me and thought about my kiss. All sexual. I finally made it clear to him that I had taken that day--and him--really seriously and that didn't trust him and needed to think about seeing him again. He said okay and signed off, but not before sending me some naked pictures of himself. (exhibitionist, not totally my thing) Later, he IM'd me again and said that he had re-read my dirty letter and loved every part of it. I replied in one or two words until he started asking me if I had masturbated for anyone. I told him that I was in no mood for dirty IMs or my talent for writing erotica and that, in wooing me to be his sub, he might think a little less of my talents and more about my needs. He finally apologized profusely and said he was selfish. I told him that I wasn't trying to berate him, just understand whether that was a mistake or a character trait. I told him to perhaps reread my other (non-dirty) emails and see if that was still something he wanted. I know this is very strong-willed for a sub, and it is not my intent to be rebellious. But I have a suspicion that I have found a "Fake Dom." These are men who like to play rough in bed, usually learned from porno movies (professional or homemade) and call it domination. They let the imagination guide them and focus on the sex (and their horniness) rather than on the responsibility and privileges of the power exchange. I'm guessing they are masculine and protective and confident and all the things a sub would be attracted to. But, as someone on this site wrote, a sub is not a doormat. I would like to ad that a sub is not perpetually horny or thinking with his/her crotch. I would like to know: 1. Whether I should meet him again or fish elsewhere for a dom 2. Whether this guy is a dom or not (all opinions welcome) 3. What lessons might I (and other subs) get from the way all this transpired? Any obvious red flags or mistakes on my part? I am a sensitive newbie, so please be kind, but I do want to learn....and not waste time on someone who isn't a true dom. thanks! n.
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