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question for monogamous doms - 2/22/2007 10:45:28 PM   
novicecourtesan


Posts: 116
Joined: 2/11/2007
Status: offline 		..or doms in a monogamous relationship, however you want to define it...

I posted this on the sub board and someone suggested that I should get the opinion from the perspective of straight male doms in or having been in monogamous relationships. So I'm curious to know what makes a dom choose to remain sexually faithful and demand the same of his sub. Any thoughts?

thanks...
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RE: question for monogamous doms - 2/22/2007 10:47:26 PM   
DomManager


Posts: 3
Joined: 8/13/2006
Status: offline 		Really good head.

(in reply to novicecourtesan)
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RE: question for monogamous doms - 2/22/2007 11:03:38 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DomManager

Really good head.


Oh, that is why he is monogamous... I thought it was my award winning breakfasts

_____________________________

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Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: question for monogamous doms - 2/22/2007 11:03:42 PM   
gandalf0297


Posts: 148
Joined: 8/6/2006
Status: offline 		respect,care, aAnd perhaps some love thrown into the mix. And I've found that one is way more than enough.
But that's just me.

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"The best things cannot be said. The second best are misunderstood." (Joseph Campbell.)

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RE: question for monogamous doms - 2/22/2007 11:05:34 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Because its what I want.

(in reply to gandalf0297)
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RE: question for monogamous doms - 2/22/2007 11:22:01 PM   
novicecourtesan


Posts: 116
Joined: 2/11/2007
Status: offline 		Guys will come back for good head but they won't turn down pretty decent head when the good head is unavailable. So that's not it.

Meaning....this environment provides so many options. I am curious if anyone out there picks the vanilla ones of marriage and monogamy and all that, and if they're in the minority. Some subs have said there's something more intense about a d/s relationship when it's only two people. I was curious to know if the doms felt that way or feel like they're giving something up...like the smorgasboard of sexual options this lifestyle affords....

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
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RE: question for monogamous doms - 2/22/2007 11:33:16 PM   
touchthesky


Posts: 121
Joined: 1/27/2007
Status: offline 		i think whether D/s or vanilla there are those who like monogamy and those who do not, male and female. I think if one likes monogamy it will just depend on that individual's needs. I get the idea ms. novice that you look for some sort of predictable formula to guarentee monogamy.i would say pick men with a history of monogamous relationships. Alot of my female friends have picked player types that they thought they would reform. Sometimes men like that do eventually settle down, but i think that has more to do with deciding its time to have a family than finding a special woman

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RE: question for monogamous doms - 2/22/2007 11:42:30 PM   
RexLongBeach


Posts: 58
Joined: 10/30/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: novicecourtesan

What makes a dom choose to remain sexually faithful and demand the same of his sub. Any thoughts?

It's always dangerous to generalize about any group (e.g., Doms), so I'll speak for myself: I've tried the other way and it always seems to get complicated. Read through poly threads and you'll see people citing communication and all-way compatibility as prerequisites for success. Sure, those things are needed when there are only two people involved - but the effort seems to go up exponentially as people are added to an intimate relationship.

There are some terrific poly relationships. But, there is, in my observation, an awful lot more poly heartache. Jealousy, unmet needs, issues of hierarchy, favoritism, etc. Some people are wired that way... and let's be fair: having more than one submissive attending to one's every need (every whim?) is a powerfully appealing fantasy.

Even so, for me, I just don't want to go there. Too much other stuff going on that I want to get done in my life leaves me with not enough time/interest to find and manage compatible partners.

Frankly, it takes an enormous amount of effort just to find one. I'll stop there and celebrate the 1/1.

Good luck to you. Good luck to me.

Rex

(in reply to novicecourtesan)
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RE: question for monogamous doms - 2/22/2007 11:43:55 PM   
novicecourtesan


Posts: 116
Joined: 2/11/2007
Status: offline 		No, I am not looking for a formula for monogamy at all. I am asking questions that don't get discussed this thoroughly in the vanilla world. What you said about player types settling down because the time is right is very true, and I know timing has a lot to do with it.

I assumed that there might be some issues particular to the subject in the bdsm world, for a couple reasons. One, monogamy isn't societally enforced in this culture, so there's less pressure or incentive to want it. Two, for those who don't feel that they are "wired" for monogamy, but have chosen it, I was wondering if the idea of polyamory was always in the background (i.e. this is probably not the last person I'm having sex with). I was wondering how much jealousy played into it, since jealousy is something that everyone deals with. Is it easier to share someone you care about or share someone you don't care about?

These may be stupid questions, but it's not just because it's what I'm looking for. I've always been interested in whether humans, particularly men, are monogamous; I happen to think its an open question but I'm always interested in the perspective. I'd post in the Mistress page but I do admit it's the male perspective I'm particularly curious about.

***
Frank--thanks for your post. I admit that's one of the most daunting things to me about poly: more people, more drama. I'm just a little too lazy...


< Message edited by novicecourtesan -- 2/22/2007 11:50:09 PM >

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RE: question for monogamous doms - 2/23/2007 12:04:50 AM   
azzmaster


Posts: 864
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline 		i have male friends who r monagamous. no doms tho. falling in love makes a man monagamous, or at least act that way to keep the object of his affection in his scopes. men who r habitually monagamous tend to not b all that sexual, at least the ones i know. more focused on common interests or child raising.

(in reply to novicecourtesan)
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RE: question for monogamous doms - 2/23/2007 12:11:19 AM   
StacyCat


Posts: 112
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		I think you are overly concerned about monogamy.  Why such the big issue with it?  When you meet whomever that you want to be in a relationship with, you discuss those aspects, and if they match, great, if not, then you both go along your merry little ways until you find what you want.

(in reply to novicecourtesan)
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RE: question for monogamous doms - 2/23/2007 12:14:29 AM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: novicecourtesan

..or doms in a monogamous relationship, however you want to define it...

I posted this on the sub board and someone suggested that I should get the opinion from the perspective of straight male doms in or having been in monogamous relationships. So I'm curious to know what makes a dom choose to remain sexually faithful and demand the same of his sub. Any thoughts?

thanks...



It goes without saying it's a matter for personal taste, but there are loads or reasons why one woman is enough for me:

1) For me, it takes two to tango and how can I expect the respect and obedience of a sub if I don't give her the courtesy of being faithful? The only person I want my sub to hold in higher esteem than herself is me - I think this demands being faithful.

2) I have a busy life. I only have so much time to invest in a relationship of any kind. So, if that time is divided by more than one it isn't going to amount to much of a D/s relationship. Also, I'm a big believer in concentrating on a few major things in life rather than a load of small details - more than woman would be too many big things for me.

3) In the faithful respect, I'm old fashioned. Believe it or not, my parents did not have sex until they were married and only ever with one person. They've always been as happy as pigs in shit so I suppose some of this has rubbed off on me.

4) If you have a few on the go, imagine when they all find out......it would be like a bag of cats turning up on your doorstep, sounds too much like hard work for me.

5) I went through the whole getting hold of as many women as I could between the ages of 14-28. I did all of that then - I was single and it was a conscious choice. My ego was well and truly polished back then. It's a part of my life that has gone and really doesn't interest me anymore. It was great at the time, I wouldn't change those years for anything, but people evolve and life moves on to another chapter. In a nutshell, I'm at the stage of my life where I find faithful relationships very rewarding.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to novicecourtesan)
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RE: question for monogamous doms - 2/23/2007 12:16:53 AM   
novicecourtesan


Posts: 116
Joined: 2/11/2007
Status: offline 		Northern Gent...
thanks for your detailed reply...I found it very innformative....!

(in reply to NorthernGent)
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RE: question for monogamous doms - 2/23/2007 2:23:39 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		You're actually asking us to explain individual wants, needs and desires? 
 
I didn't even choose to be a Dom; something in my genetic wiring decreed only a submissive female can satisfy my need to control my partner.  Guess that same wiring decided I only need *ONE* fem/sub atta time, too....
 
Focus.

(in reply to novicecourtesan)
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RE: question for monogamous doms - 2/23/2007 2:28:51 AM   
KenDckey


Posts: 4121
Joined: 5/31/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

ORIGINAL: DomManager

Really good head.


Oh, that is why he is monogamous... I thought it was my award winning breakfasts


I'm in love

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: question for monogamous doms - 2/23/2007 2:38:41 AM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: novicecourtesan

So I'm curious to know what makes a dom choose to remain sexually faithful and demand the same of his sub. Any thoughts?

That's a very large and broad question.  There are likely many reasons someone might make that choice.  Probably the single most common reason would simply be tradition.

You made the comment later in the thread, "One, monogamy isn't societally enforced in this [bdsm] culture, so there's less pressure or incentive to want it."  This isn't true.  First, because the bdsm culture is just a sub-culture of whatever larger society it takes place within.  There is no place in the world that I am aware of where the bdsm culture is predominant or primary, thus all those other cultures whether they be American, British, German, Japanese, Western, Eastern, etc. still strongly affect people, their values, ideology, and choices.  In most cultures monogamy is still the primary marital model, so it will remain a strong influence.

Likewise, emotionally most people have grown up being "geared" towards monogamy in long term relationships.  The various relationship skills, the way we form emotional attachments, etc. are all directed towards a monogamous long term relationship.  This leaves those wishing to pursue polygamy in various forms facing the additional challenges of having to learn the skills to make them work.

Even much of the literature we read, poetry, movies, music, etc. is geared towards monogamy.  This is particularly true of romantic fiction.  Virtually all our ideas of romance are geared towards monogamy (and also towards the man pursuing the woman).

When you stop to think about it, most of us are surrounded by a culture that pushes and at times even attempts to force us towards monogamy.  Which makes it something of a wonder then that there are those who do choose polygamy, and some who find a way to make it work in spite of all the obstacles they face.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

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RE: question for monogamous doms - 2/23/2007 4:02:56 AM   
PlayfulOne


Posts: 1047
Status: offline 		I think what you really may need is to empty your head and start over.There are several things in yoiur post that bother me.  "Straight Male Domnants", if your truly interested on the thoughts of monogamous men why would you exclude Gay Dominants.  You want to know wht some men or monogamous, I would not think the nature of the relationship matters. 

You also seem to be fixated on sex.  You time and again mention sexually faithful.  Do you not care if your partner is emotionally faithful?

Some people like apples, some like oranges and some are poly, some are monagomous, it really is that simple.  The truth is there are not really that many truly poly people.  Don't mistake the players, gamers, the people in it for the "oh look at me factor", and such as actually being poly.  Don't equate poly with unfaithful.  Reserve that for the players you come upon who are not actually poly to begin with. 

Michael and Focus said it well enough.  They are monagamos and can't explain to you why anymore than if you asked me to explain why I am not.

K

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RE: question for monogamous doms - 2/23/2007 4:46:48 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I think people are wired one way or the other.
I also think a lot of people confuse "open relationship" with "poly".  There is a difference.
That being said, I can understand the frustration of any girl who seeks monogamy within the lifestyle.  I've talked to some seemingly good matches, only to discover that eventually they want "to try poly" or "you will one day have a sister sub".  It makes me think that many in the lifestyle are seeking that sort of relationship evolution.  Either that or they are excited by the prospect of having more than one girl. 


_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

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RE: question for monogamous doms - 2/23/2007 6:36:41 AM   
novicecourtesan


Posts: 116
Joined: 2/11/2007
Status: offline 		Playful one:

I think you should stop jumping to conclusions about me. I like my head full as it is, thank you, and don't see how emptying it is helpful, even if I am a sub. I am not trying to pry into individual desires, but as you can see, many people have offered insights without being explicit and I find it valuable.

I did not ask about gay male dominants because I am straight and interested in learning about straight men. There is no prejudice here, just self-interest. I would love to hear from gay or bi male dominants; they may have a different perspective than straight ones.

"You seem to be fixated on sex." Kindly do not make assumptions. I am interested in many things, sex being one of them. I did not ask about emotional faithfulness because that is something that I think is far more amorphous than sexual faithfulness, and probably a lot more personal and a lot harder to answer. I do not and never have equated poly with being unfaithful. I write on many topics on the boards and post the ones interesting to me. If the questions are unanswerable or private, then don't answer; I'm certainly not trying to pry or scout out potential boyfriends/doms

Michael and Focus did say it well, and rather courteously, which I appreciate. Thanks to the rest of you for your replies.

< Message edited by novicecourtesan -- 2/23/2007 6:39:12 AM >

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RE: question for monogamous doms - 2/23/2007 7:37:43 AM   
azzmaster


Posts: 864
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline 		just a question, but what r u going to do if u find a dom perfect in every way but not n2 monogamy? u don't even have 2 answer me here but i suggest u think about it b4 it happens

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