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As a D/s are/do you sabotage a potential relationship for fear of failure?

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  Are you afraid you cannot live up to their expectations of Dominance/submission?

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Do you nit pick them looking for a reason to sabotage or not even initiate contact. 

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ORIGINAL: FukinTroll

I was looking at a very interesting post on ask a Mistress and wanted a chance to bring a similar post to the general forum.

So I will pose the questions to both D and s.

As a D/s are/do you sabotage a potential relationship for fear of failure?

Are you afraid you cannot live up to their expectations of Dominance/submission?
Do you nit pick them looking for a reason to sabotage or not even initiate contact.

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  Are you afraid you cannot live up to their expectations of Dominance/submission?

• They are so terrified of topping from the bottom that they never state their needs or downplay them.  Reality is you can't top from the bottom unless the top isn't up to the job.  In fact, WITHHOLDING that information is the only real way to top from the bottom.  But it takes a long time to learn that.
  
• They have notions of what they should be doing and instead of asking or even listening, they think they are failing because they meet those notions.  Many inexperienced submissives think their submission should be easy, or that they should be able to obey without hesitation.  Hell if they could do what I wanted effortless, I would ask them to do something else.  I WANT to see them struggle.
  
• Along the same lines are images of what dominance should look like.  I am sure for some, they are the same no matter who their submissive/slave/bottom is but it isn't that way for me.  One thinks of a dominant as being the manly man and perhaps always ordering the food and choosing for the submissive.  A wonderful woman I was with knew far more about food than I and I had her order FOR me because I got tired of wanting what she ordered!  I tend to cook for my women, does that make me submissive, NO!  Again, for me, I reversed role with that woman and let her cook for me.  The problem comes in when a submissive sees their dominant doing something they percieve as "submissive" and reacting to their perception of what they should be doing rather than stepping back and looking at it from a perspective of "our relationship is unique and this works for my dominant".
  
• Some nights I shouldn't post and instead should focus on this horrible paper I am working on.

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ORIGINAL: sublizzie

You know, SimplyMichael, I've come to the place where I figure if a Dominant wants to do something, then it's the dominant thing to do. There's nothing particularly "submissive" about anything a Dominant does.

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ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel

I've read this thread completely and wanted to add. I'm grateful, I don't feel so alone in what I do even if what I do isn't necessarily a good thing.
 
And I wanted to add... I've been at this for a very long time and I've often used the same words and phrases.. like "culling the herd", "picky", "particular". They are, after all, pretty window dressings. I've also sworn that I know exactly what I am looking for, what I will settle for and what I will compromise on. But when it came down to the wire I didn't have a clue what I wanted. I met a man that was so far from someone I would have given a second glance too. I enjoyed talking to him, very intelligent, great sense of humor, but no sparks at all. Funny enough is the fact that I wasn't what he was looking for either. We've been married for a while now and he is the love of my life, my breathe, my soulmate, my best friend, my confidante' and my reason for never giving up.
 
I want that part of me back, the part that steps outside the box and looks past what I think I want, or what I think I need, because I know for a fact it works. Because sometimes what you really want or need shows up looking like something you would have never thought about, never considered. But I know that I can't do it by myself, there are a lot of people that need to step out of the box and start living life like the journey it is. One of my favorite quotes would be "If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him you have a plan".
 
Jewel 

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ORIGINAL: FukinTroll

As a D/s are/do you sabotage a potential relationship for fear of failure?

Are you afraid you cannot live up to their expectations of Dominance/submission?
Do you nit pick them looking for a reason to sabotage or not even initiate contact.

1.  I clearly stated that I required prior negotiation for some of the activities that happened that night.

2.  I thought about what I'd really want out of my first D/S relationship, and made a list that became known as The Labours.  These involved questions about himself, observing how he got along with some of my social circles, and eventually more ... carnal stuff. 

3.  I met up with John a few weeks later to discuss the situation on neutral ground:  a futon in the social area, within yelling distance of dungeon monitors and random buddies.  We discussed that first impromptu date, whether we should bother trying again, whether he'd be willing to be on probation, and how he felt about the Labours being presented to him one at a time. 

4.  I practiced better boundary setting and defense.

He didn't run screaming.  Given the potential of first impressions, he was supposed to have run screaming.  Instead, he was happy that he was being given a second chance, and already adored being asked questions about himself.    I remain grateful to my former self that I concentrated on elements that were actually important to me rather than making up random stuff for the sake of having flaming hoops for John to jump through.  But I was pretty certain at the time that there was no way that he was going to think I was worth that kind of aggravation -- I'd driven away less deliberately dominant lovers with less.

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ORIGINAL: SlyStone

I enjoyed reading this thread.

We always talk here about the external limits people hold in place, the I won't do needles or scat or whatever and how they reflect on us as dominants or submissives. But I think these limits are the easy part in our effort to define ourselves in d/s bdsm terms, we need them and we use them and they shift with our experience and with our broadening perspectives.

But the real limits we hold in place are those subconscious ones that guide us and misguide us through our lives. The ones that tell us not to try something new because we are afraid or not to give a new person in our lives a chance to get close because they will disappoint us or not to seek happiness because we are undeserving.

I think those are the limits to think about and focus on, because they are the ones that truly define us, and when we grow old and look back at our lives, they are the ones that will have determined how it was lived, whatever path it is that we have chosen.