Sabotaging your chances.

Sabotaging your chances. (Full Version)

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FukinTroll -> Sabotaging your chances. (3/4/2007 1:00:03 AM)
I was looking at a very interesting post on ask a Mistress and wanted a chance to bring a similar post to the general forum. So I will pose the questions to both D and s. As a D/s are/do you sabotage a potential relationship for fear of failure? Are you afraid you cannot live up to their expectations of Dominance/submission? Do you nit pick them looking for a reason to sabotage or not even initiate contact.

Kendra -> RE: Sabotaging your chances. (3/4/2007 1:06:12 AM)
kendra had to do some reasonably severe soul searching and kendra had to listen a lot, she was seeking what she had lost, and was told that she could never have that back and she was comparing each interested Dom to her late husband and Master and they were obviously not even rating on the richter scale...six months later she still does that, and maybe subconsciously she sabotaged one,,, about 12 months ago , but she is more careful to think through her replies and to modify her daily behaviour, it is not fair for any man to have to be better than a ghost.,( He called Him a freaking Saint in a temper?) and so now she is more careful in her thought patterns and she is lucky to have a friend that was so bloody brutal and honest with her... respectfully k

BlkTallFullfig -> RE: Sabotaging your chances. (3/4/2007 1:12:16 AM)
Yes, but I have to think about how to give details here, and make sense, so will post more later. M

FukinTroll -> RE: Sabotaging your chances. (3/4/2007 1:13:38 AM)
Thank you Kendra. I hope it wasn't too difficult to make such a realization.

ownedgirlie -> RE: Sabotaging your chances. (3/4/2007 1:13:51 AM)
I tried. He was smarter than me though.

BrownEyedSub84 -> RE: Sabotaging your chances. (3/4/2007 1:26:08 AM)
Fear of failing is huge to me. I some feel as though I can't fully submit to a Dom because if I do I wont live up to what he expects of me and that I will end up getting hurt. I have done both those things and lost a very good Dom who was very patient with me because of it. I would point out every flaw I saw heck even made up some. I thought that if he saw the real me that wasn't the perfect submissive -in my own head this is what I thought he wanted and thought I would be- he run screaming for the hills. Eventually it lead to him not being able to take it anymore and ending the relationship. As i look back wiser and grown up now I realize that I pushed him to his limits and that he never thought that and that because I did all that I caused my own fear to come true..I failed him, miserably. But they saw you live and learn and I have and I am. I just wish he'd give me another chance cuz he was an awesome kisser and Dom[:)]

FukinTroll -> RE: Sabotaging your chances. (3/4/2007 1:33:46 AM)
I suppose in all fairness I will chime in here. I don’t consider what I do sabotage, I have high standards and want to insure that it is the right connection for all of us. I had chose to be a rake I would be in the happy hunting grounds of rakedom. It is not that I don’t find an ocean of attractive women here, however I am here to make a commitment and that means that there must be something special and exclusive between us. I need to be certain that she meets my criteria of a slave and that she is capable of the burden of serving me. My profile is harsh and unrealistic for a number of reasons, as well as self-defeating. It is in place to dissuade the HNG’s and let the rest know that I, me, myself is in charge and the only topping that will be done from the bottom is me telling her where to rub as she massages my back. Many of you read my posts and I suspect a few give me the red hand of STFU. However my posts are the best representation I have of myself and the first look into my ID. I am a playfully notorious flirt and a hopeless smartass from which there is no reprieve. I am sharp as a whip and the snappy comebacks are at light speed. All this you know. I don’t often initiate contact, it is the sub/slaves market and it will just sit in the wank folder until such a time that it might, possibly, be read. After contact I like to keep it in the e-mails for a long time and eventually into chat. One day over the phone, although I despise speaking on the phone, and then with some luck and the absence of red flags a public meet. I feel a little different about Domme’s. I tend to mail with them a little, IM a lot, gab on the phone, and love to sip mead across pillows and talk until they say; please shut up and go to sleep (ain’t it Ven). I know some sub/slaves want to go slow, some fast, but my speed is the only speed and it very well could be sabotage.

canupleaseme -> RE: Sabotaging your chances. (3/4/2007 1:34:08 AM)
I noticed myself do this twice last year. It made me sit and take a good look at what I really wanted from life. I think its very easy to get in a vicious circle of sabotaging opportunities, I'm glad I kicked mself up the arse. Lifes there for the living you have to follow your chances.

quietkitten -> RE: Sabotaging your chances. (3/4/2007 1:59:19 AM)
I did that for a while.. I guess that I didn't know what I wanted or needed at the time.. didn't realise it was right in front of me. I came here and was looking for something to fill that empty place, but at the same time I pushed everyone away. Sometimes I think we all do that now and again.. Sabotage relationships out of fear of change.

Quivver -> RE: Sabotaging your chances. (3/4/2007 3:34:04 AM)
Interesting thought Troll. Reflecting back to when I first came here I suppose I did do that to some extent. The glaze of newness had me holding my tongue, trying to say the right things, and to say them correctly. What happened was I believe I gave off impressions of interest when in all actuality after a few conversations I saw there was no click. Then the nit picking would begin so I could polietly excuse myself. Today I'm alot more verbal in being myself. No longer do I address someone as a Master unless there is good reason to. When I begin to converse with someone new it is on equal footing, if I find I am submissive to them through conversation I let the dynamatic build. If things are not progressing in that direction I simply say so and move on. I've been accused of undermining at the begining by being direct, a bit goofy and am seen even a little switchy, but that's me until my head is fully involved. If they cant deal with that it's their problem.

wandersalone -> RE: Sabotaging your chances. (3/4/2007 7:09:00 AM)
I had a long history of self-sabotaging my life in so many ways that included not pursuing relationships with people because of my own (possibly irrational) beliefs that it would not work out. Eventually I realised that I was living most of my life in my head and I now very consciously take calculated risks with the thought that even the not so great experiences will be character building! with the d/s relationships that haven't worked out in the long term I have been able to learn more about myself, refine my own goals and identify the types of dominants that I feel would complement me.

juliaoceania -> RE: Sabotaging your chances. (3/4/2007 7:13:39 AM)
I have sabotaged myself on a few levels. I outgrew that behavior, although I still watch myself and ask myself why I do the things I do. You know any pattern can be changed... but it is not a comfortable thing so most people do not do it.

KatyLied -> RE: Sabotaging your chances. (3/4/2007 7:15:14 AM)
If I sabotage, it's out of fear. I seem to have an ideal, set in my mind, of what the ultimate D/s relationship will be. I feel that I do hold back in my submission because I don't want to give my all to a relationship or person that doesn't see me as worthy of a long-term committment. My problem is in gauging how much of myself I should give to another person. There are no guarantees about relationships and I struggle over how much of myself to reveal or let go, even though I feel I do reveal a lot of myself. It's as if I'm guarding and saving the best of me for a future time. Weird, I know.

sublizzie -> RE: Sabotaging your chances. (3/4/2007 7:18:08 AM)
I wouldn't say that it's weird, just self-protective. I've been hurt badly by being too open so now I'm not as willing to lay myself out for someone's perusal. They now need to prove that they are trustworthy before they get all of my nooks and crannies to examine.

KatyLied -> RE: Sabotaging your chances. (3/4/2007 7:20:17 AM)
quote: I wouldn't say that it's weird, just self-protective. Yep. I guess my fear is that I may one day come across that ultimate relationship possibility and not recognize it and hold back and miss it.

sublizzie -> RE: Sabotaging your chances. (3/4/2007 7:23:07 AM)
I have the same fear. Guess it'll just take a uniquely special Dominant for each of us, eh? Someone who will work their way into our nooks and crannies without us even realizing they've been there.

KatyLied -> RE: Sabotaging your chances. (3/4/2007 7:23:53 AM)
Well, I live and hope for the *oh my god* moment. hehe

Aileen68 -> RE: Sabotaging your chances. (3/4/2007 7:31:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: FukinTroll I was looking at a very interesting post on ask a Mistress and wanted a chance to bring a similar post to the general forum. So I will pose the questions to both D and s. As a D/s are/do you sabotage a potential relationship for fear of failure? Are you afraid you cannot live up to their expectations of Dominance/submission? Do you nit pick them looking for a reason to sabotage or not even initiate contact. I sabotage relationships by being extremely passive aggressive. I don't do it out of fear of failure, but when I feel things slipping away or when I feel like I've given much more than I've received in terms of dedication and communication. It becomes more of a pride issue with me. I tend to go out in a blaze of glory.

domiguy -> RE: Sabotaging your chances. (3/4/2007 7:49:28 AM)
quote: Aileen68 I tend to go out in a blaze of glory. By that I am sure you mean...Tail between legs to hide the blood that is dripping out of your ass? People run from relationships for various reasons....If it because the "relationship" blows then get out no matter what process you utilize....If it is out of fear then here is a thought: "It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance It's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance It's the one who won't be taken who cannot seem to give and the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live " I just made that up...right off the top of my head!....I'm fucking brilliant!!!..Kneel before Domiguy! You mindless distractions!!! "

SweetSarijane -> RE: Sabotaging your chances. (3/4/2007 7:52:11 AM)
I have done it before most definitely and now in this relationship, I'm taking it slow and just being me, and slow is his pace as well. So far things are great and I am beginning to relax. It's hard for me not to try to sabotage a relationship because of the abuse I have been through which has very negatively conditioned me. I still fight and struggle to overcome it. I have succeeded in part already and I'm a tough lady who doesn't give up. I know I will beat the conditioning in the end. "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." Oh yeah, my past has definitely toughened me up. Now finally at nearly 37, I find that I really like who I am becoming. Great post Troll.

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