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dominant proving their superiority - is it important to... - 3/16/2007 11:05:01 PM

hisannabelle

Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
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i know that's a crappy title, but i couldn't think of anything else. something chrissyslave posted on the married men thread in general got me thinking about an attitude i occasionally see in posts by or profiles of other submissives and slaves that i personally don't get. it's the, "i want him to prove his dominance," attitude, for lack of a better term. it's the...i need to be put in my place physically, or, as she (i hope she doesn't mind me taking her words) put it, for a dominant to show they are mentally and physically superior. kind of an "i want to be tamed" attitude, from what i understand (and i'm fully accepting i may be wrong...anyone who comes from this viewpoint, please correct me if i am). i think bratty subs fall under this category in some cases as well, although i am by no means equating everyone who feels this way with being a bratty sub ;)

personally, to my own approach to submission, this is anathema...i would not submit to him if i didn't already feel that he was the person i wanted to give myself to. physical and mental superiority really isn't necessary to me...in fact, i think it's good that we're equals (although he's better physically i think). it's not something i give much thought to, really. i also don't think he'd find taming me all that fun...he's one of those dominants who wants a submissive who wants to be submissive, not someone who wants to be tamed into it, if that makes any sense. this is the only way i know how to explain why that approach doesn't fit for us. that isn't to say that we don't do humiliation and degradation play, or anything like that - i mean, there are other activities that "put me in my place" as a submissive. but i don't feel a need to be "tamed" in that way - it's just a mutually enjoyable activity that's part of our bdsm play, and i would submit with or without it.

so, out of curiosity, do you follow this approach (of being "tamed," or "put in your place," etc.), and why or why not? if so, what about it enhances your relationship, from your pov? if not, is there a particular reason it wouldn't fit your relationship?

< Message edited by hisannabelle -- 3/16/2007 11:37:06 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: dominant's superiority - physical, mental, emotional - 3/16/2007 11:23:08 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

so, out of curiosity, do you follow this approach (of being "tamed," or "put in your place," etc.), and why or why not?

No

quote:

if not, is there a particular reason it wouldn't fit your relationship?

I do not have the energy to play that game in my relationship. The thought of being tamed does not arouse me on any level. I know who I am, he knows who he is, and that is where we come from. It is about expressing who I am, not having someone make me into what they want me to be... forcing me is not the right approach and will cause me resentment if I was forced on a regular basis

Question though, what does the title of the thread have to do with the content of the OP, I do not see the connection

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Post #: 2

RE: dominant's superiority - physical, mental, emotional - 3/16/2007 11:26:31 PM

hisannabelle

Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
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maybe it should have been something more along the lines of "dominant proving their superiority," or something. like i said, i was having a very difficult time coming up with a title.

thanks julia for your post :)

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Post #: 3

RE: dominant's superiority - physical, mental, emotional - 3/16/2007 11:30:28 PM

juliaoceania

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From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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I like the amended title....lol. I was about to rail about not being inferior to anyone

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Post #: 4

RE: dominant's superiority - physical, mental, emotional - 3/16/2007 11:37:42 PM

hisannabelle

Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
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there we go...i think that's better.

yeah, i think the inferiority thing is what gets me the most. i just don't Get It. he doesn't have to be superior to be dominant, imho.

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Post #: 5

RE: dominant's superiority - physical, mental, emotional - 3/16/2007 11:42:23 PM

smilingjaguar

Posts: 271
Status: offline

This "taming" did happen in my relationship, not because I did not want to submit or had no desire to submit but because of a childhood full of abusive men. I was lucky. I found a man who knew that I knew that I needed to submit even if I did take steps that were at times exactly opposite of that and continued to work with me. I suppose it was very much like taming a wild animal at times, but we both knew exactly what was in our hearts. Some part of me needed him to prove himself stronger in will more so than physically so in order for me to feel completely safe with him. Basically I had put on a lot of emotional armor over the years and found someone who was really interested in getting to know the real person underneath...even if it meant resocializing a 20-year-old girl. I brought this thread up to him on the phone, and he said the best dogs and horses he's had were the toughest to train, and I was no different. That's my .02 for what it is worth.

If I were looking now, I don't think it would be like this. Those issues are gone.

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Post #: 6

RE: dominant proving their superiority - is it importan... - 3/16/2007 11:44:53 PM

AquaticSub

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Joined: 12/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: hisannabelle

so, out of curiosity, do you follow this approach (of being "tamed," or "put in your place," etc.), and why or why not? if so, what about it enhances your relationship, from your pov? if not, is there a particular reason it wouldn't fit your relationship?

No. My place is by his side, at his feet, in his arms... wherever he wants. If he needed to put me there, I wouldn't be worth his time and he mine.

I don't follow the "he has to better then me" line of thought. Mostly because I find it flawed. In the movie Red Sonja, she states the only man who can have her is one who has beaten her in a fair fight. The reply has always struck me.

"So the only man who may have you is one who has tried to kill you. That's logic."

It also strikes because, if I were a dominant, I wouldn't want to own something inferior. I would want a partner who still engages me on many, if not all, levels.

I only demand that my partner be my equal, that they desire to dominate me and that they love me. I went through enough trying to get that.

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Post #: 7

RE: dominant proving their superiority - is it importan... - 3/17/2007 5:23:53 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
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I don't want a man who I'm better at in everything. He's better than me in the things I need him to be better at.

But physically, yes. I need to know he can stop me if he wants, he can pick me up and toss me down when he wants, he can control me when it's necessary. Without that I don't feel dominated. You may be fine with a man you're taller than, and who you could beat while wrestling. I can't. It all comes down to compatibility, know what you need and don't settle for someone who won't fulfill you.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 8

RE: dominant proving their superiority - is it importan... - 3/17/2007 5:54:48 AM

kyraofMists

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Joined: 7/29/2005
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No, I do not want him to prove his dominance or that he is superior. I don't think that someone needs to be superior to me in order for me to offer my submission. Truthfully, he didn't have to prove anything to me. He was himself and that inspired me to want to transfer all authority to him. I did not transfer this authority out of a position of weakness or a position if inferiority either. If I was either of those things he would not have wanted my submission.

He also does not subscribe to the "tame me" philosophy. He will not take that which is not freely offered. He prefers someone who is pro-active in their service to him and if he has to make me do things then he will choose not to exercise his authority. I learned quite quickly to be pro-active. I don't wait for him to tell me what he needs, I ask him. That pertains to our daily interactions; SM is a much different animal

During SM or sex he will take what he wants. He becomes highly aggressive and does not wait for it to be offered. If I fight or struggle in any way it only fuels his aggression and he takes more. That is when it gets really fun.

Knight's kyra

< Message edited by kyraofMists -- 3/17/2007 6:00:50 AM >

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RE: dominant proving their superiority - is it importan... - 3/17/2007 5:56:37 AM

catize

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Joined: 3/7/2006
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I have ceded authority to master. To my way of thinking, that means I control myself in order to obey him and to abide by the agreement we have made. I know that he would not find my submission worth very much if I railed and fought against his dominance.

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Post #: 10

RE: dominant proving their superiority - is it importan... - 3/17/2007 6:06:59 AM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
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i have often thought that if someone has to "prove" they are Dominant, then they aren't. That's just my opinion and i know a lot of submissives love the "being taken" senario but to me that's for play not for the basis of a relationship. i am attracted to that quiet, confident Dominance that some seem to ooze from their very core. strRobert does not have to prove anything, set up a laundry list of rules, or make constant demands. He is always Dominant, period, and there is no way to mistake that even in His tenderness. He is perfectly capable of reminding me of my role with a look or a touch or a single word.

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Post #: 11

RE: dominant proving their superiority - is it importan... - 3/17/2007 6:23:00 AM

MsParados

Posts: 183
Joined: 3/1/2007
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as with all things there is a variety of reasons for this train of thinking. Some are indeed into it for play, not knowing what they want or expect and feel that the dom has to prove their power at every step. Then there are others that have been with a few doms and sooner or later those doms were offering themselves up for submission. But I can only speak for myself, when I entered into this relationship strength was number 1 on my list, he had to be stronger in body, mind and will than I am and I tested his capabilities before I truly submitted to his will. It only took 6 months for me to figure out I didn't have a snow balls chance in hell to ever get the upper hand with him. History had shown me that with my other partners, that I was the superior contentor and I would end up punking them and I can not submitt to a punk. I needed a man that could remind me of my place and when I stepped to far outta bounds could put me in what ever place he felt I should be in.

(in reply to hisannabelle)

Post #: 12

RE: dominant proving their superiority - is it importan... - 3/17/2007 6:24:58 AM

raevnn

Posts: 152
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I'm never sure how to answer questions like this gracefully...

Personally, yes - I needed and still sometimes need... not so much proof... but something that told me he is and will be in control. And I needed to be put into my place, yes. I couldn't have enslaved myself, even if I did give my control over to him in the beginning.

Of course, we both desired a relationship in which I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am owned and his property and not simply acting submissively. Some steps needed to be taken and some of those steps involved him exerting power and control over me and my life.

While I know skills that he does not, he is superior in this relationship and he did have to... take... that place.

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RE: dominant proving their superiority - is it importan... - 3/17/2007 7:03:40 AM

windchymes

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No, in fact, a dominant trying to "prove" his superiority over me would have quite the opposite effect.

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RE: dominant proving their superiority - is it importan... - 3/17/2007 7:37:38 AM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
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quote:

ORIGINAL: hisannabelle

personally, to my own approach to submission, this is anathema...i would not submit to him if i didn't already feel that he was the person i wanted to give myself to. physical and mental superiority really isn't necessary to me...in fact, i think it's good that we're equals (although he's better physically i think).

Daddy calls it "gift of submission" - we had a very deep conversation about this last night. He said my gift is very precious to Him because i had the right to choose another Dom if i felt He wasn't the right person for me despite choosing me to His daughter then submissive. He didn't have to prove His superiority or put me "in my place" ...i didn't need Him to tame this orphaned child. all He did was show affection and concern for me as well as my 2 UMs since they are a part of me. we are equals in some things sharing the same interests and dislikes however He's Daddy and Dom over the rest.

also i like to add, i'm not compatitable with those who like to assert their lord and master dominance over me. i will fight and resist in every way because this submissive doesn't need that type of control in her life.

< Message edited by sambamanslilgirl -- 3/17/2007 7:42:49 AM >

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RE: dominant proving their superiority - is it importan... - 3/17/2007 8:56:47 AM

Wildfleurs

Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
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quote:

ORIGINAL: hisannabelle

so, out of curiosity, do you follow this approach (of being "tamed," or "put in your place," etc.), and why or why not? if so, what about it enhances your relationship, from your pov? if not, is there a particular reason it wouldn't fit your relationship?

I wouldn't say that I like to be tamed but, I was looking for someone who could outthink me and was also physically stronger than me. I'm a pretty smart person and I went to a couple of prestigious schools and I found that it did intimidate dominants, and I wanted one who was not remotely intimidated by that and knew (and actually could) outthink me, break me (if need be), and overpower me (if need be).

C~

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RE: dominant proving their superiority - is it importan... - 3/17/2007 9:07:47 AM

EmeraldSlave2

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quote:

ORIGINAL: hisannabelle
so, out of curiosity, do you follow this approach (of being "tamed," or "put in your place," etc.), and why or why not? if so, what about it enhances your relationship, from your pov? if not, is there a particular reason it wouldn't fit your relationship?

Most prefer it because
a) they are not secure in owning their own desires and expressing them in a form such as "I want you to take me down" so they couch it in terms that seem more palatable to them
b) they view submission as passive, and thus feel it is necessary for the dom to be the active partner while they get stuff done to them
c) they want the attention

Personally, I enjoy having my leash yanked occasionally, and enjoy "feeling my sub fuzzies" as much as anyone else. So when I do, I ask them for it. That takes a lot of courage and vulnerability to do that, but hey, people claim bdsm is so much more open and honest and secure and communicative, so I think that goes along with it.

And I quickly avoid subs who try to play the "prove yourself to me" game. I am who I am, but I won't jump through hoops to satisfy your insecurity.

(in reply to hisannabelle)

Post #: 17

RE: dominant proving their superiority - is it importan... - 3/17/2007 9:17:47 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
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I have nothing to prove to anyone. If they don't want to freely submit to me, it's not going to happen. As far as scenes go, the quickest way to end a scene with me and piss me off enough to only offer the barest minumum of aftercare is to utter the words, "Is that all you got?" Scene ends, they are dropped and I'm very, very unlikely to play with them again, much less pursue a relationship.

Master Fire

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RE: dominant proving their superiority - is it importan... - 3/17/2007 9:20:43 AM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2

Personally, I enjoy having my leash yanked occasionally, and enjoy "feeling my sub fuzzies" as much as anyone else. So when I do, I ask them for it. That takes a lot of courage and vulnerability to do that, but hey, people claim bdsm is so much more open and honest and secure and communicative, so I think that goes along with it.

I equate leash yanking to him actively exercising his authority, i.e. giving a direct order or telling me no. I do not equate it to "make me" or "prove yourself" attitude. Is that what you are referring to, active exercise of authority?

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

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Post #: 19

RE: dominant proving their superiority - is it importan... - 3/17/2007 9:25:46 AM

irinaa

Posts: 9
Status: offline

I have no need, either online or in real life; to be in power struggle with another. I know my place in the scheme of things ( as it pertains to my own thinking ). With that said, any one who has to sit there and convince me repeatedly of his/her dominance, is not going to get much more than a giggle a roll of the eyes from me.

(in reply to hisannabelle)

Post #: 20

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