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Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a vanil... - 3/20/2007 4:33:16 AM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
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I was "google surfing" and found a site with a wonderful article. http://www.alesbianslife.com/index.php/links/dumped_by_your_dom/ I've always felt that when ending a BDSM relationship, the sub needed special hand holding from me. I've provided it (in one case for seven months) all but twice. (In those cases, the men had both lied to me, one having both a wife and a life in girlfriend and the other about his relationship goals AND casually mentioning he'd been in prison for murder. The one I was too angry with to offer anything positive and the other I didn't feel safe around any longer.)

Do you agree that ending a BDSM relationship is different and that the sub can experience emotions that wouldn't crop up in a vanilla relationship end? Would anyone care to share their experiences in this?

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

Post #: 1

RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a v... - 3/20/2007 4:39:20 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BeachMystress

I was "google surfing" and found a site with a wonderful article. http://www.alesbianslife.com/index.php/links/dumped_by_your_dom/ I've always felt that when ending a BDSM relationship, the sub needed special hand holding from me. I've provided it (in one case for seven months) all but twice. (In those cases, the men had both lied to me, one having both a wife and a life in girlfriend and the other about his relationship goals AND casually mentioning he'd been in prison for murder. The one I was too angry with to offer anything positive and the other I didn't feel safe around any longer.)

Do you agree that ending a BDSM relationship is different and that the sub can experience emotions that wouldn't crop up in a vanilla relationship end? Would anyone care to share their experiences in this?

It may be different but it's not worse. I think we like to pretend we feel things more deeply, but in reality we don't. Our heartaches are just the same as the vanilla folk.

I suspect it came about the same way as the "d/s is more fulfilling" nonsense. To us, it is more fulfilling because we prefer it. D/s breakups hurt us more then vanilla breakups because we were more invested and happier in the d/s relationship then we were in the vanilla relationship.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to BeachMystress)

Post #: 2

RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a v... - 3/20/2007 4:55:42 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
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I don't believe it is any different. People tend to think it is, I think that some hold this thought in order to feel that what they are doing is somehow special or more spiritual than vanillas. Vanilla people can connect as deeply as kinky people. Some relationships have more difficult endings than others, I don't think it has much to do with D/s.

_____________________________

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(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 3

RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a v... - 3/20/2007 5:15:46 AM

slaveish

Posts: 1086
Joined: 2/19/2007
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For me it is quite different. In my "regular" world, I am dominant. It takes a lot of trust for me to be submissive. Breaking the s-bond with my Dom was incredibly difficult because of that trust and deep level of intimacy it took for me to get there.

_____________________________

You only lose what you cling to. ~~Gautama Sidharta

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. ~~Mother Teresa

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 4

RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a v... - 3/20/2007 5:23:25 AM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
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I will echo Aquatic and Katy... in general, no it is not different than mainstream relationships. People in mainstream relationships can be just as devastated after a breakup as people in d/s relationships.

In terms of this specific relationship that I am in now, if it ended, it would be more devastating than any other relationship I have had. Not because it is m/s but because I am more committed and devoted to him than any other person in my life.

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to BeachMystress)

Post #: 5

RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a v... - 3/20/2007 5:29:37 AM

MsCfromMelbourne

Posts: 777
Joined: 2/15/2007
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Breaking up with D/s partners over the years has been much more painful than my vanilla ones, probably because we were so much more in love and emotionally close. I had higher hopes that the relationship could work and more invested in the partnership.

Dating vanillas is emotionally safe but less passionate for me.

I do not think submissives suffer more than Dominants when D/s ends. I do not think women suffer more than men. You suffer for a mixture of reasons when relationships do not work out and the grieving process gets easier with practice.

However, in my experience making a clean break is kinder to both parties than hanging on and giving "aftercare". That just delays the grieving process for both.

_____________________________

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(in reply to slaveish)

Post #: 6

RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a v... - 3/20/2007 5:34:50 AM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
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Its possible, but not necessarily the rule that BDSM relationship breakups are much different. The only difference I have ever noticed is the longer recouperation time to put themselves back in a mindset where they are ready to trust someone again. This is on both sides, mind you, not just when a sub gets dumped. Because of what we do engage in, our relationships tend to gain the trust element faster (not deeper necessarily) than vanilla ones. When they break apart, it takes awhile to be ready to open yourself up to trusting someone that way again.

my opinion, of course
DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to MsCfromMelbourne)

Post #: 7

RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a v... - 3/20/2007 5:41:24 AM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
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From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire
When they break apart, it takes awhile to be ready to open yourself up to trusting someone that way again.

That is part of what the psychotherapist discusses in the article.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 8

RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a v... - 3/20/2007 5:43:07 AM

MistressNoName

Posts: 664
Joined: 10/26/2006
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Yes, there can be emotions that come up as a result of the difference in dynamic. For me, shock was one...shock that at the end of the relationship he was just another human being having difficulty admitting his own human weakness and who had unrealistic expectations of what M/s really is. Intense anger was another and very deep hurt. But that was my experience.

MNN

(in reply to BeachMystress)

Post #: 9

RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a v... - 3/20/2007 5:43:27 AM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

Clarification.. I am asking if people agree with the article, not with my feelings on the subject.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to BeachMystress)

Post #: 10

RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a v... - 3/20/2007 6:56:40 AM

Devilslilsister

Posts: 1262
Joined: 8/3/2006
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I read most of the article and it looked like a good one. Made sense. IMO - things are different. I've been through 2 rough break ups. One that ended with me literally in bed for days, crying and taking months for me to have any desire to leave the apartment. The other - i couldnt even walk to the store with out bawling. While those break up's were hard, devastated me, left me completely saddened........ they never left me with confusing, make no sense, loss of body control, not knowing which way is up emotions i've felt when things came down to me and my Dom splitting.

In the 2 years past - when things got to that - there was no rhyme or reason for the physical and pyschological effects that the loss of my Dom created in me. Nor could i cope. I once, walked out in a strange town with no car or money and i ended up at some random gas station unable to stand. Literally, my legs wouldnt hold me. I sat knees curled to my chest, head down, outside of a gas station waiting for a friend to come get me. When things have come down to me verbally ending it - my Dom was generally able to find me at a later point curled in a ball in a random closet. Feeling like the ground beneath me had been whooshed away and having issues breathing as for some reason i felt like i had dead weight on my chest.

i've been dating for 10 years before i met my Dom. Thats alot of breaks ups. While i have 2 that have left me broken hearted - none nor neither of the others have EVER left me feeling like i described above.

IMO - i think its different and no i dont think its different in a good way. i think the difference blows chunks.

< Message edited by Devilslilsister -- 3/20/2007 7:03:20 AM >

_____________________________

My ability to cope with BS is at an all time low - me

i may look like i'm doing nothing, but i'm very busy at a cellular level

(in reply to BeachMystress)

Post #: 11

RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a v... - 3/20/2007 6:58:56 AM

littlesarbonn

Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline

To be honest, the article appears to be a cookie cutter approach to handling the breakup of any relationship. The "recommended" books at the end don't even have anything to do with handling the breakup but some are actually introduction books to bdsm itself.

Breaking up in a bdsm relationship can be devastating for at least one major reason, and that's because it's such a niche activity that the loss of such a relationship makes one feel that he or she may never find such a great opportunity again. It's been almost a decade now since I broke up with a dominant who I still love to this day. She left the scene and the community (not because of me), so I never really even had a chance to work through the "let's be friends" paradigm that she and I left at. But it still hurts today. It still affected other relationships I attempted that came after.

Now, were these emotions different than they would have been in a vanilla relationship? I don't know. I've never really been in a vanilla relationship to know the difference. All I know is what I experienced as the only type of relationship I've ever had, and it sucked badly when it ended. What is (and always is) important is some type of support mechanism in the background. During this break up, I really didn't have one in place, and I ended up floating through life for about a year, trying to make sense of things, until I finally moved across the country and put all of my energy into a graduate education, as I could find no other way to deal with the lousy situation.

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(in reply to BeachMystress)

Post #: 12

RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a v... - 3/20/2007 7:05:14 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
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It's no different than a vanilla relationship ending would be for someone who is vanilla. The difference here is that if you get into a vanilla relationship you won't be quite so invested in it simply because it doesn't fulfill you fully. The reason it doesn't fulfill you fully is because you're not vanilla.

Therefore a good d/s relationship which does fulfill you will be harder on you when it ends then either a nonfulfilling d/s one or a vanilla one.

Basically you've been asking why an apple doesn't feel like an orange even when it's in a bowl with oranges.

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 13

RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a v... - 3/20/2007 7:27:36 AM

jaunty1

Posts: 102
Joined: 3/20/2007
Status: offline

I believe that the breakup of any relationship is as hard as a person makes it. It has nothing to do with the kind of relationship that it is.

Live well,

Alex

_____________________________

(in reply to BeachMystress)

Post #: 14

RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a v... - 3/20/2007 7:55:10 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeachMystress
Do you agree that ending a BDSM relationship is different and that the sub can experience emotions that wouldn't crop up in a vanilla relationship end? Would anyone care to share their experiences in this?

No.

The idea that I if tomorrow my master died and my sisters husbands died and I would think "Well at least she's not experiencing all the things that *I* am having to go through or as badly" is just completely disgusting to me.

I do believe A sub will experience different emotions from THEIR relationship. Since they are not vanilla, they would not have the same feelings towards their master as they would their vanilla ex's.

But the idea that they are experiencing anything deeper/worse than a vanilla person does in their vanilla relationships is just false superiority and really degrading to the suffering of a lot of people.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to BeachMystress)

Post #: 15

RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a v... - 3/20/2007 8:01:27 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

In terms of this specific relationship that I am in now, if it ended, it would be more devastating than any other relationship I have had. Not because it is m/s but because I am more committed and devoted to him than any other person in my life.

This is a really interesting concept. I can not even think about the termination of my relationship without feeling upset. This is by far the most committed and devoted to someone I've ever been in my life, but I believe in large part it's because of it's M/s foundation. Obviously it has everything to do with the person in that foundation, but I would not be so reliant/dependent on him were I not his slave. It's been argued of me before (remembering one of my first threads on CM, lol), but for me, being his slave makes all the difference and the ending of this relationship would be more devastating than one of a vanilla. I have only my 20 year marriage to compare it to, and while understanding how unhealthy the marriage was, I still have to say the dynamic of my dependency on my Master would make things too hard to bear.

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 16

RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a v... - 3/20/2007 8:33:26 AM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

Well i think it is it hurts either way but in different ways. In bdsm i think a person is more likely to have a deeper level of trust. You belong to them, from what i have seen many marriges (not all) are a equal partnship. I think if one of my sisters husbands ot brothers wife died (God forbid) thay would hurt i know they would, but if God Forbid anything happened to my Master i think i would hurt for a longer period not worse just for a longer period.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 17

RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a v... - 3/20/2007 8:48:26 AM

MissyRane

Posts: 1032
Joined: 5/11/2005
Status: offline

I don't believe it's different.
I think people are under the influence of it being different because of the tags people wear in this lifestyle, i.e. submissive, slave, dominant which can kind of sound like a person that needs more help than the others or aren't as strong as the other. I suppose that applies in some relationships and it sure applies in vanilla relationships too so ya.
How often have you seen a post from a dominant saying:" my sub broke up with me WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I can't live waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh"
I haven't seen many, I see more of those from submissives/slaves.
However the majority keeps break-ups for themselves so my opinion:
~there's no difference~

(in reply to littleone35)

Post #: 18

RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a v... - 3/20/2007 9:13:32 AM

MagiksSlave

Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

It may be different but it's not worse. I think we like to pretend we feel things more deeply, but in reality we don't. Our heartaches are just the same as the vanilla folk.

I suspect it came about the same way as the "d/s is more fulfilling" nonsense. To us, it is more fulfilling because we prefer it. D/s breakups hurt us more then vanilla breakups because we were more invested and happier in the d/s relationship then we were in the vanilla relationship.

Ditto!! I think it demeans the venilla relationship and the people in them when we do this we dont feel love deeper just different.

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.

-Rodney Atkins-

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 19

RE: Dumped by your Dominant - different than ending a v... - 3/20/2007 12:13:03 PM

mixielicous

Posts: 1283
Joined: 4/6/2006
From: Boston area, Massachusetts
Status: offline

fast reply,

for me, yes , it would be extremely different

quote:

ORIGIONAL: MsCfromMelbourne
Breaking up with D/s partners over the years has been much more painful than my vanilla ones, probably because we were so much more in love and emotionally close. I had higher hopes that the relationship could work and more invested in the partnership.

it is hard for me to say in reality because well this is my first M/s relationship, but what i CAN say, the love, devotion and passion it took to get my into this relationship status in the first place, defaults to a much harder break up.

i am in a unique position though, being uncollared does not automatically result in breaking up for us as stated in my contract. we thought this best at the time considering the lack of experience on both sides and the high likelihood of someone not being as invested as originally planned on.

_____________________________

"lets just say he's a few prawns short of a galaxy"

(in reply to MagiksSlave)

Post #: 20

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