quote:

ORIGINAL: curiousPAsub

I am very surprised to see so many saying there isn't a difference between a vanilla relationship ending and a D/s relationship ending.  Perhaps some  didnt notice the title of the thread which is "Dumped by your Dominant".   Mutually ending a relationship does feel much different than being suddenly released by your Master, as I found out a few months ago.  While I felt hurt and sad when my marriage broke up many years ago, or when other relationships ended, the pain and emotional devastation I felt when I was released was more than all of those other breakups put together.

I am first assuming you are all talking about real time relationships, not "just" an online interaction.  I believe online relationships are real too, and are valid, but I think they are different from face to face real time.  In other relationships, I was equally in control of things, as they were before I discovered I had a submissive nature.  Being at least partially in control, and having an interdependent marriage, when it ended I felt bad.

But in my D/s relationship, I was controlled, I was totally devoted and in love with him, I was obedient to his wishes, no matter what they were, and my mind was constantly on how to please him more.  Just by the very nature of a D/s relationship, it creates a different kind of bond, at least for the submissive.  (I use "she" cause its easier for me).  In a D/s relationship, she gives herself to him, she devotes herself to him, she does everything for him and to please him.  An emotional bond is created that is different in MY opinion.

He woke up one day and released me, without any apearant reason.  We were together almost 4 years, and he said he was tired of dominating me.  In all that time, he didnt have to punish me, so it wasnt cause I was a "bad" or disobedient submissive.  Two weeks earlier, he had told me I had grown into the most perfect submissive for him.  We were planning two upcoming vacations.  Then POOF - he released me.

I was stunned -  totally stunned!  By him releasing me like that, I lost all his emotional support, all the direction he was giving me, the sense of belonging, the identity I had created as I became his most perfect submissive.  He was my first Master, and he had found me and chose me.  When we met, I was not a very trusting person and he worked with me so that I could trust him, so that I could give him everything that a woman can give a man, everything that a submissive can give her Master.

He made me promises, like he would never let me fail and that he would never release me.  In one day, he broke all his promises to me, he broke and violated all the trust I had placed in him and he broke my heart.  I couldnt stop sobbing for days, I physically ached and was sick to my stomach for days.  I felt like I was dying emotionally and physically.

THAT is much different than breaking up a vanilla relationship.  I gave myself to him, like submissives are trained to do.  When you give of yourself to that degree, when you give someone everything you have to give, and he releases you overnight, I cant think of anything that compares to THAT. 

I am still grieving and I can;t imagine ever trusting to that degree or giving myself to a man like that again.  I think its different when the sub is dumped by the Dom.  I am sure he woke up the next day and went on with his life.  I would like to think at times he thought of me at least, but he wasnt curled up in bed sobbing and wailing so hard he had to cover his own ears like I had to for the first week.  I sounded like an animal caught in a trap.  He didnt have learn how to restructure his entire day again or learn how to reclaim his body again by saying MY body instead of HIS body. 

The shock eventually wore off and the deep grieving subsided but it took almost 3 months.  I still feel like I am staring into a deep black abyss, not knowing what to do now.  When he released me, I still loved him, so my feelings didnt just disappear when his presence in my life did.  I now wonder if I ever want to do that again.  I am here on CM now, trying to figure things out.  I think the very nature and dynamics of D/s will always make me unbearably vulnerable to that happening again. 

So yes I think it different when a sub is dumped by her Dom/Master, and I think its harder on the submisisves because they have devoted their lives to their dominants. 

quote:

I think what can make the emotional distress so severe in D/s
break-ups is the level of dependency and loss of identity
for the slave/sub

quote:

ORIGINAL: ImpGrrl

I am a slave.  I've been in this relationship for 5 years.

I have not grown any more dependant on my owner than I might on any loving intimate partner.  And I certainly haven't lost any more identity than anyone in a long-term, intense relationship might.

Most of the s-types I know and respect would say the same thing.

quote:

ORIGINAL: jauntyone

greetings
 
I don't see how the level of dependency is any more in a M/s relationship than it would be in a vanilla relationship. I am having a hard time understanding where this kind of thinking comes from. I have been only been with Master for 4 years; and while the thought of losing him fills me with dread; I also know that my sister, who has been married to her husband for 9 years would be much more devastated at the loss than I would. The fact that I am in M/s and she is not has nothing to do with it at all.
 
The level of dependency varies with the individuals involved
and the type of relationship they have.  I am not saying that
vanilla relationships have less pain when loss happens.
 
In certain Dom/me and sub/slave relationships there can be
a higher level of dependency because the Dom/me has a higher
level of control than many vanilla relatinships.
 
Everyone reacts to loss in different ways, the kind of relationship one has does not determine how strong that feeling will be.
 
I totally agree with you when it comes to loss and grief.
The part I am getting at here is decision making and
dealing with life when the person who made all of the
deicions is gone.

As to the loss of identity. This really confuses me. In a healthy relationship of ANY kind, all parties retain their own identity. The trick is just finding how they compliment each other.

Some Dom/me and sub/slave relationships do involve a loss of
or change of identity for the sub/slave.  They may be considered
"property".


Now, I will agree that all relationships have a different degree of focus; but that in no way makes one harder to endure than another.
 
Let me give you a hypothetical example, a sub/slave has an Owner
who makes all the major and minor decisions for the slave.  Then
the owner is in an accident and suddenly dies.  Now, a person
who is more independent and equal in their relationship is going
to have a hard time and be in terrible emotional grief, no doubt about that. 
But the coping skills for everyday life, decision making and
choices are more familiar to them.
 
But for a slave/sub who is completely dependent on their Owner,
they would not only have the grief and loss, but they would have
to totally change their thinking from one of dependency to one
of independence.  And if their identity was completely dependent
on the Owner, who would they be, if the Owner died?

I wish you well
 
melissa

Hopefully this post is more clear in what I am trying to express here.
 
I wish you well,
 
 
Vendaval
 

quote:


If you are highly invested in a relationship, whether D/s or vanilla, if someone dumps you, it hurts.