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RE: Trade offs - 4/4/2007 8:44:33 PM

DommeChains

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quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

After reading the thread on 'settling' and 'compromise i got to thinking.......
What happens when settling and compromise turn into 'trade offs'?

Now i'm not talking small things like 'i'll stop eating oranges in bed if you stop playing with your ball's in public.' I'm talking big stuff!

I hear you loud and clear. For me trading off on big stuff means that I am not accepted for who I am at my core or vice versa. Yes, we all have to compromise in order to have harmony but if I felt that the only way I can be with someone is to violate or deny an essential core value or trait then it is not going to work in the long run. I need to be able to look at that person and say, with sincerity, I accept you just the way you are.....flaws and all and I do not need or want you to change who you are to make me comfortable. I will accept nothing less in return.
I want to be with someone who enjoys, appreciates, accepts and values all that I am.

No one wants to be lonely but I have trod the path of trading off or suppressing who I truly am for the alledged security of a relationship that was hollow at the core and left me with the metaphorical taste of ashes in my mouth. Anything positive gained by "selling my soul" was far outweighed by the negatives.

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RE: Trade offs - 4/4/2007 8:46:01 PM

DommeChains

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Opps...in my passion to reply I mangled the quote function. Please note the first two paragraphs are the OP's ......the third paragraph on is all mine.

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RE: Trade offs - 4/5/2007 6:16:15 PM

missturbation

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I've always been able to weigh up the benefits and costs of past relationships and friendships pretty easily. I'm struglling with this one though and i'm not sure why.

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RE: Trade offs - 4/5/2007 6:21:07 PM

IrishMist

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quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

I agree - it has to be worth whatever sacrifice you make.
Im actually in the process of weighing up benefit and cost in my own relationship. So far the cost is proving to be a little high for me.

I admit, what you said here kind of made me stop and go 'HUH'. And this is not meant in any way as a judgement or flame...I just don't get it . Do people actually look at their relationships in that way? As a cost and benefit sliding scale?

Like I said, not a flame...I just had never thought of that before and it kind of struck the 'WTF" factor.

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RE: Trade offs - 4/5/2007 6:25:31 PM

missturbation

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I'm not sure. I know i've done it before with friendships and relationships. This time is a little more complicated with it being a poly relationship, so many factors to take into account.
I think possibly we all do it to a certain extent, for example if your partner cheats on you, you then have to decide whether the benefit of staying with him is worth forgiving him or if the cost of his actions is too much for you.

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RE: Trade offs - 4/5/2007 6:29:12 PM

IrishMist

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Hmm..I guess for most, yes, they would have to weigh that. I admit, in the past, if my partner decided to have sex with another, that was his business, not mine. The same with just about anything else that popped up. That was pretty much the way my relationships were; and I was quite happy with things that way.

I just never thought about weighing things in that way. I am still stuck in the WTF zone...don't mind me

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RE: Trade offs - 4/5/2007 6:32:55 PM

missturbation

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No it's ok. It wasn't until it was mentioned in this thread that i realised i do it - weigh up costs and benefits. It seems way to harsh and cold doesn't it when referring to matters of the heart !?!

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RE: Trade offs - 4/5/2007 6:35:14 PM

IrishMist

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quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

No it's ok. It wasn't until it was mentioned in this thread that i realised i do it - weigh up costs and benefits. It seems way to harsh and cold doesn't it when referring to matters of the heart !?!

Yes, it does. Maybe that's why it struck me so hard; because it seemed so cold and calculating almost.

You are probably right though. I probably do it too and just dont think about it at all. LOL, thinking about it now, I realize that , well...I don't want to think about it lol.

I am so confused, as usual.

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RE: Trade offs - 4/5/2007 6:43:59 PM

missturbation

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Lol.
Yep cold and calculating is how it seems to me too. However i'm finding i'm maybe having to be a little that way at present

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RE: Trade offs - 4/5/2007 6:50:04 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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When things get tough, I find cold and calculating can be a great way to work past it. It's easy to be fluffy and airy when it's happy. But when there's friction, you NEED to get down to the dirty stuff. As long as you're open and honest with everyone else and telling them "I'm really feeling I'm not getting X, but I get Y which seems to compensate."

That's not at all a bad thing. I have a perfect relationship- that doesn't mean I have everything I want all the time. It's OK to feel like you're accepting something less than what you thought ideal if OVERALL you are fulfilled and true to yourself.

And it's ok to say this isn't working for you and you need to allow everyone the opportunity to find what will really work for them.

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RE: Trade offs - 4/5/2007 6:53:54 PM

missturbation

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It's OK to feel like you're accepting something less than what you thought ideal if OVERALL you are fulfilled and true to yourself.
I'm not fulifilled right now by my relationships but i know i could be if slight alterations are made on both sides. They are on holiday at present but going to speak to them when they get back. If we cant make a few compromises then i guess i'll be walking away, im not prepared to settle anymore.

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RE: Trade offs - 4/5/2007 6:55:00 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Good deal chica. Since it's a poly issue, please feel free to email if you want advice or extra perspective, be glad to try and help.

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RE: Trade offs - 4/5/2007 7:01:36 PM

missturbation

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Thanks, im pretty sure ill take you up on that in the next couple of days. I could do with an honest unbiased opinion on whats been going on.

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RE: Trade offs - 4/5/2007 7:17:20 PM

MasterNdorei

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Am i the only one thinking that mixing poly and a bi-polar person who doesn't really want poly has to be one of the top most volatile combinations in the lifestyle? Yikes!

Yet the OP presents them and their interactions in a responsible manner... and i was so proud of myself for stopping smoking in order to meet Master...

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RE: Trade offs - 4/5/2007 7:19:55 PM

SlaveBlutarsky

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No, you aren't, but to if they're happy, more power to them.

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RE: Trade offs - 4/5/2007 7:21:59 PM

missturbation

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterNdorei

Am i the only one thinking that mixing poly and a bi-polar person who doesn't really want poly has to be one of the top most volatile combinations in the lifestyle? Yikes!

I'm kind of with you here but they are a lovely couple.

Yet the OP presents them and their interactions in a responsible manner... and i was so proud of myself for stopping smoking in order to meet Master...
Lol, i was proud because i stopped buying shoes.

Master's dorei

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RE: Trade offs - 4/5/2007 7:34:53 PM

IrishMist

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

When things get tough, I find cold and calculating can be a great way to work past it. It's easy to be fluffy and airy when it's happy. But when there's friction, you NEED to get down to the dirty stuff. As long as you're open and honest with everyone else and telling them "I'm really feeling I'm not getting X, but I get Y which seems to compensate."

That's not at all a bad thing. I have a perfect relationship- that doesn't mean I have everything I want all the time. It's OK to feel like you're accepting something less than what you thought ideal if OVERALL you are fulfilled and true to yourself.

And it's ok to say this isn't working for you and you need to allow everyone the opportunity to find what will really work for them.

Hmm, I understand what you are saying, I just am having a hard time...applying it lol. I think for myself I have spent too many years not thinking of myself and only thinking of my partners...coming to understand that it's a really bad habit to get yourself in...sort of like that hole that you can not get out of.

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RE: Trade offs - 4/5/2007 8:20:54 PM

lonlyrossInNeed

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to me a trade of would be a compromise and there can be some times when this is good

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RE: Trade offs - 4/5/2007 8:31:02 PM

gypsygrl

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Trade-offs can have positive effects especially if it's integrated into a D/s dynamic. I'm thinking about this because I was recently considering making a real effort to expand my willingness to do girlfriend type stuff (mostly involving going to bars). It would have been a huge step for me and require me to confront some deep issues involving post-traumatic stress tendencies (the person I was exploring this with suddenly backed away so I can't say if it would have worked or not) but it was a step I was willing to take because I had confidence in my guide. After giving it a lot of thought, I decided to step out of my comfort zone because it would have expanded my horizons, even if in the short term I was doing something I'm very resistent to in the interests of creating a sustainable relationship. Sometimes a trade off like that can work to both parties benefits and what starts out as a bargain can potentially lead to prosperity. It just depends on how it plays out. In my case it didn't play at all, but, ya know, life's like that sometimes.

I've been thinking about this thread alot the past couple days, and I can't really say its bad to trade off in a way you're suggesting. It all depends on how satisfying the relationship is, in general. For me, most "trades" come under the heading of submission and the only thing I would expect in return is a committment to the relationship.

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RE: Trade offs - 4/5/2007 8:31:36 PM

Devilslilsister

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quote:

No it's ok. It wasn't until it was mentioned in this thread that i realised i do it - weigh up costs and benefits. It seems way to harsh and cold doesn't it when referring to matters of the heart !?!

It may be cold and calculating, but sometimes in life you need to drop the emotions to figure out what the right/wrong thing to do is. Emotions can muck things up very easily. Very easily. They can ruin your view on whats going on, jade you, direct you wrong, ect. In order to figure out something important like "should i be involved in this relationship" emotions can not come into play. They will only hinder. Its not hard for a heart to lead you wrong, aye? Follow your brain with out the emotions and generally people would be better off. Except its not always easy to do. Especially if you are already emotionally involved. Usually when one is already emotionally involved, one needs to set up a game plan on how to step back enough to get emotions out of the picture. You just can not do a proper cost/benefit analysis when emotions are in the picture. So yeah, it is cold and calculating. Its got to be.

Mist, if you'd like some one to help you weigh out the cost/benefit - feel free to hit me up too.

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