SusanofO
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Joined: 12/19/2005
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I would just appreciate some opinions on how I should proceed, if at all, with the following (this is kind of a long post, please bear with me, if you dare):
My niece, Jennifer, age 20, is a college student. She is bright, witty, and beautiful on the inside, as well as the outside, has a wonderful sense of humor, and has many friends, including some guys that follow her around like a pack of lost puppy dogs.
She does, however, suffer from some acne scarring that is very noticeable (with or without make-up, and she is a bit of a tom-boy and not much for wearing much make-up).
I can tell, even though she doesn't ever bring up the topic, that she is very self-conscious about the appearance of her skin. It doesnt help, either, that her only sister, Deborah, looks somewhat like a cross between Miss America, and Barbie.
I can really empathize with this skin problem, because at Jennifer's exact age, I had almost the same exact problem. At the time, though, my parents helped me pay a dermatologist for Derma-brasion, to make me feel better about my appearance.
This made a tremendous difference in my self-confidence, and I was grateful for my parent's help. Today, I take very good care of my skin, and it is in fine condition, and appearance.
To a female (or anyone, IMO, really), I believe these things can make an important difference, as far as how they may feel about themselves, and I never considered this to be superficial, or un-necessary, cosmetic surgery.
I offered a few weeks ago, after bringing the topic up very gingerly with my niece Jennifer, to pay for her laser surgery, if she would like to have it done, to rid herself of her facial scars. She was over-joyed at the prospect, as she is a poor college student, and much of her part-time income goes toward books and supplies, etc.
I should also perhaps mention I am Jennifer's Godmother.
Well. My sister (Jennifer's mother) phoned me yesterday, in a complete huff, that I'd offered to do this for Jennifer, saying I am focussed only on externals, and that it was wrong of me to impose" my "superfical value system" on my niece, and how dare I offer to "condition her into thinking women should only be valued for their looks", etc.
This really isn't like my sister (at all), and to say the least, I was dismayed. She has been slightly more irritable these past few weeks, as her husband has been having some major health problems (heart surgery) but I can't believe she actually thinks I did this out of some supeficial focus on the female appearance only. I feel hurt, and misunderstood.
Maybe I should have asked my sister if I could approach Jennifer before I did it, but I honestly thought she would not care I did, and be grateful that I offered.
My sister has never had anything but near perfect skin, so she doesn't realize, I am sure, how badly having bad skin or scars on the face, can mar a woman's confidence. I said so, too. She continued to tell me then, that she thought it was "way out of line" that I offered this option to Jennifer.
My sister isn't rich but she isn't poor either, and I said I couldn't believe she'd not thought of offering to do this for Jennifer herself, being her mother, able to afford it, and also a woman. Then she really got even more mad at me. Perhaps I over-reacted to what she said to me, but I was insulted by it.
*Jennifer is all excited now, about the possibility of having this surgery, as she hasn't talked to her mother since her mother and I had this conversation.
While I admit this reaction seems totally unlike how my sister would normally behave, I now feel like if I go ahead and help Jennifer to schedule this surgery, that I am somehow betraying my sister, and I am not sure how much longer my sister will remain obstinate in this bad mood of hers.
I thought I was being rather generous, too (laser surgery of this magnitude isn't cheap) . I was really only thinking of doing it to help my niece, not because I am some superficial twit.
I am reminded of the SIG line of catize: "No good deed goes unpunished."
*What should I do now? I haven't got the heart to retract my offer to Jennifer, and I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. Any thoughts? Thanks for any help or advice.
- Susan
< Message edited by SusanofO -- 4/9/2007 3:43:43 AM >
_____________________________
"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson
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