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RE: How long do you keep on going before you give up th... - 4/11/2007 6:52:59 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
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Perhaps you need to change what you are looking for, littlesarbon.

You have had at least a few long-term Ds relationship, right? That's more than what many find, at least according to their posts and discussions from munches.

Perhaps instead of looking for one dominant for your life, you can try to mentally adjust to finding a good partner for now. It might be a lot of work and only you can decide if it is worth it.

Yes, Fox has been with me over 7 years and Tom and I will celebrate 15 married soon, but I don't look at either relationship as "forever" or "the one". I take them for what they are: wonderful men I am sharing my life with.

That wasn't easy for me to do for years. I have abandonment issues and fears of rejection, I think many of us do. I had to learn to be happy with me and rely on me first and foremost.

Perhaps you'll just think this is crap coming from me, but I also don't it's a dom thing I've learned to feel. I think it's an independant and realistic thing. It might be harder for someone in the submissive role, I'm certain part of the attraction to that is being dependant on someone.

Sorry, wandering, I just wanted to suggest that maybe you should look at what you want and see if you can adjust that. If you can, you might get more satisfication in the relationships you do find and in turn the less stress of them being "the one" may result in them become someone you are with for a very long time.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 21

RE: How long do you keep on going before you give up th... - 4/11/2007 6:56:43 AM

WhipTheHip

Posts: 1004
Joined: 7/31/2006
Status: offline

It's different for men and women. There are just not enough bdsm women
to go around. You might as well be looking for a Playboy playmate.
You have a better chance trying to find someone in real life you have
a lot in common with, and try to get them interested in bdsm.
But then again what do I know, I'm in the same boat as you.

Best regards, Michael

_____________________________

(in reply to Lady Alaria)

Post #: 22

RE: How long do you keep on going before you give up th... - 4/11/2007 6:59:22 AM

simply4You

Posts: 14
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline

Greetings A/all ~

i have not been on here as long as some and have been searching an even shorter amount of time. i've found that usually things just happen in my life when i'm not really looking for them to happen if that makes sense.

One thing i'm constantly learning to have is patience. Not easy for me (unless dealing with my um's or my daycare children) but with adults and searching for what is best for me ... patience is the key. In my search though, i'm meeting new people, reading a ton, starting to post, asking questions when i have them and living my life. Life around me doesn't stop because one part is missing. i just keep on going ... and eventually, i know that when the timing is right, everything will fall into place.

~ simply_me

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 23

RE: How long do you keep on going before you give up th... - 4/11/2007 7:30:56 AM

WhipTheHip

Posts: 1004
Joined: 7/31/2006
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I sent you a message that has suggestions I think you will find very promising.

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Post #: 24

RE: How long do you keep on going before you give up th... - 4/11/2007 7:40:07 AM

Anarrus

Posts: 475
Joined: 11/8/2005
Status: offline

Tenacity does have it's eventual rewards as does patience. In the mean time kick back and enjoy life. Fill your life with what is within reach that makes you happy, what is not yet within reach WILL find it's way to you.

Be well

Anarrus

_____________________________

"None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free."...Goethe
"Send lawyers, guns and money" ..Warren Zevon

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 25

RE: How long do you keep on going before you give up th... - 4/11/2007 7:44:52 AM

dawntreader

Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel

I think there are too many people that simply don't want to step outside their comfort zone. They have this ideal of what they want or need and can't see beyond that. I know that for me, what I found wasn't what I was looking for, but I'm happier then I ever thought was possible.

Jewel

ShiftedJewel,
i have to agree with your post! Going beyond the comfort zone, stepping out of the box, taking a leap of faith....whatever the term of choice - my best experiences have always been ones i did not expect to have, were not within my paradigm of perfection, hell some were things i did not even know existed!

i think many of our disappointments come from thinking we know everything about ourselves and the way things should go instead of trusting what is inside us to know and just open ourselves up to what life has waiting for us. i also don't see this as being exclusive to WIIWD - this is about life in all aspects.And if we lose hope and opt for a negative or surrender attitude, the universe will manifest the negative because that is the energy we are sending out~
just my opinion, ofcourse...
j

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)

Post #: 26

RE: How long do you keep on going before you give up th... - 4/11/2007 7:45:05 AM

SirDominic

Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

"but when it doesn't happen for you, do you continue giving it more and more time (kind of like Einstein's definition of insanity), or is there eventually a breaking point where you decide, you know, perhaps it just wasn't meant to be?"

This is a trap a lot of us have fallen into. The more you do not succeed, the more time you devote to the task. The rest of your life becomes less and less important. It becomes almost an obsession. So you double, triple your searching, and still nothing. Then comes the burn out - you just aren't meant to find someone.

All of this is completely the wrong way to go. When you are not succeeding, you must resist the urge to make finding someone your whole life (or a major part of it). When you are not succeeding, you actually need to step back some. Find a realistic level of searching that fits into your life, and go on getting on with the rest of your life.

Learn to take it in stages. Had enough for awhile? Lay off the search for a time. That's not quitting, just not activelly searching. Gives you a chance to recharge your batteries. Then jump back in when you are ready again.

Unfortunately there is no way to know how long it will take to find what you want, and no way to know you ever will. But if the desire is still within you, the above is the best course of pursuit, while continuing to enrich & grow in other areas of your life.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 27

RE: How long do you keep on going before you give up th... - 4/11/2007 7:52:14 AM

BOUNTYHUNTER

Posts: 9259
Joined: 2/5/2004
Status: offline

Well said,I agree 100%...bounty

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US going to hell in a hand basket/

(in reply to Anarrus)

Post #: 28

RE: How long do you keep on going before you give up th... - 4/11/2007 7:57:16 AM

marieToo

Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn

I've been giving this a lot of thought lately. No, this isn't a depresso, oh woe is I (or me) kind of post. I've just never really found the person for whom I'm seeking, and I'm wondering if it's probably just a better idea to give up looking in the first place. I often see a lot of very successful searchers that talk about finding the right person they were seeking, but when it doesn't happen for you, do you continue giving it more and more time (kind of like Einstein's definition of insanity), or is there eventually a breaking point where you decide, you know, perhaps it just wasn't meant to be?

I know there's a lot of artsy-fartsy kind of responses that indicate that you never finish the road you're on until you reach your destination, and all that sort of stuff. That may work for some people, but for the meat and potato type of philosophers, do you continue searching, or do you hang up your unused collar and join the circus?

My first suggestion to anyone would be don't make it a career to look for that person.

Im no expert at finding Master Right and think that it's easy to find someone, but very rare to find someone who feels "right"; I think that's the first thing that people should accept. I personally have gone several years perfectly content walking around with my personal void. Id rather have that space empty and free of cobwebs than to have the wrong person inhabit it. I think when we accept that we aren't going to have the right person by the weekend, a big huge space is opening up for the right person to walk through when they do come along. And the more time we try spending to make the 'not-so-right-' person fit, the more we end up drained, which hinders the right one coming into your midst because there is the wrong kind of energy around you.
I don't know if this will help you much, but the 2 or 3 times that I have found someone who felt 'right' to me, I wasn't looking for them. If you loosen your grip, she just may cross your path, when you were least expecting it.

_____________________________

marie.

I give good agita.

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 29

RE: How long do you keep on going before you give up th... - 4/11/2007 9:00:39 AM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

I haven't ever looked. I have been lucky to have good ones find me along the way. Currenly, I am just coming off hiatus from absolute refusal to see anyone but my ex. I am trying to keep up with the idea that life goes on and sometimes its better! But I still won't look. By not looking, there are no expectations. I can just enjoy my time, even talking about bdsm which helps me keep my head together. If it comes down to it, if I really needed to I could switch to find some part of this in my soul again. It is not the best option, but certainly the numbers are in my favor.
I don't see a need to give this up entirely. You never know when a good one will come around the corner.
Kyst

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 30

RE: How long do you keep on going before you give up th... - 4/11/2007 9:01:10 AM

Texy

Posts: 45
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline

I've had two long term relationships in my life, i'm 43. Both found me when I wasn't actively, searching, longing, looking and i was just being me.

gayle

(in reply to marieToo)

Post #: 31

RE: How long do you keep on going before you give up th... - 4/11/2007 9:11:22 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

Sometimes when you stop looking so hard, you relax into yourself and then you attract the right one. I know that sounds artsy-fartsy, but it's true. I'd just been focusing on going to events, learning and enjoying myself when I met anne. Same with some others.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 32

RE: How long do you keep on going before you give up th... - 4/11/2007 10:45:50 AM

littlesarbonn

Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

Sometimes when you stop looking so hard, you relax into yourself and then you attract the right one. I know that sounds artsy-fartsy, but it's true. I'd just been focusing on going to events, learning and enjoying myself when I met anne. Same with some others.

Master Fire

Well, that didn't really work for me. I stopped looking for about a decade, and well, I was alone for about a decade. So, I've never really been a believer in the old "it'll fall in your lap if you stop looking for it" theory. But it's all okay. In the very old days, I'd think about walking away and be depressed. Now, I'm thinking about walking away and I can live with it regardless.

_____________________________

<---- FYI, this picture looks JUST like me

http://www.littlesarbonn.com/Stickman/Stickman.htm
The Adventures of Stickman and the Unemployed Lego Spaceman

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 33

RE: How long do you keep on going before you give up th... - 4/11/2007 10:51:51 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

Sometimes when you stop looking so hard, you relax into yourself and then you attract the right one. I know that sounds artsy-fartsy, but it's true. I'd just been focusing on going to events, learning and enjoying myself when I met anne. Same with some others.

Master Fire

Well, that didn't really work for me. I stopped looking for about a decade, and well, I was alone for about a decade. So, I've never really been a believer in the old "it'll fall in your lap if you stop looking for it" theory. But it's all okay. In the very old days, I'd think about walking away and be depressed. Now, I'm thinking about walking away and I can live with it regardless.

May I ask what you did when you stopped looking?

My best partners I found when I was just staying involved in the local munch or various groups. I made it known I was poly and open, I'd start conversions but I wasn't actively looking.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 34

RE: How long do you keep on going before you give up th... - 4/11/2007 10:59:54 AM

sleazybutterfly

Posts: 2801
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline

After I lost my last Dom (he isn't dead, just dumb), I decided I didn't care if I ever met anyone again. I picked up the pieces, after a lot of Ben & Jerry's, and moved on with my life. I was still on here, but not really looking anymore. I just went about my daily life, and talked to my friends. I questioned whether any of this was worth the heartache that it left me with. I decided I would leave the whole thing, but within days I knew that I missed it already. One day I was on here, just reading my mail as usual and M wrote me. I was looking at it as just friends, but it turned out to be more and I knew I belonged with him.

Go on about your life, enjoy it to it's fullest...one day when you least expect it, they will come along and you will wonder why you ever thought of leaving in the first place.

_____________________________

~Flutterby
~Curvylicious
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 35

RE: How long do you keep on going before you give up th... - 4/11/2007 12:01:15 PM

SassySue

Posts: 54
Joined: 2/12/2006
Status: offline

littlesarbonn,

I think your dilemma is fairly common. That, of course, doesn’t make it less painful, just more prevalent than you might have considered. I can’t imagine a Domme not finding you to be an interesting and charming companion. You have a lot to offer to One that can appreciate it. Intelligence and humor are sexy as hell. You seem to have both in spades. You aren’t submitting your degrees, you are submitting yourself. There’s the joy of it.

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 36

RE: How long do you keep on going before you give up th... - 4/11/2007 12:03:05 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Isarbonn,

don't often say this but I really believe you should walk away from this life. You can't seem to make it work, you can't seem to find time to get to the worlds largest SM scene two hours away. So perhaps just settling down in Stockton is what you are going to get out of life and the sooner you settle the sooner you can get on with your life.

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 37

RE: How long do you keep on going before you give up th... - 4/11/2007 12:12:58 PM

Texy

Posts: 45
Joined: 8/25/2006
Status: offline

In my previous post when I said just being me, I mean doing things I like, being myself without compromise or pretense. It does require action, no one fell magically in my lap while sitting in my easy chair contemplating the plight of the world and my own plight. In the process of being myself, my focus shifted from looking, longing, long suffering, when, why, because, to..a trip to Paris (because i'm an artist and dayamit, i wanted to hang at the Louvre). Yes, I went by myself and trust me, a texan speaking french is NOT the most romantic sound in the world, in fact they chuckled right to my face, but I wanted to experience Paris, pre-911 btw. After about a month of me living like I wanted, doing exactly what I wanted, I met someone. Did it last? About 6 years - 5 for the relationship and took us a year after we decided to split to finally split. She was my first woman, she a BBC correspondent, me an artist, the possibilities were endless (isn't everything in Paris?) but the reality of living apart was tough and flying all over and it was just tough as she worked mostly in the middle east. She still works in the middle east, i pray for her safety daily. We're still best buds, talk every chance we get. She is my cheerleader in life. I wouldn't trade her for the world, or that experience and she would never have fallen in my lap sitting in my easy chair. I'm not saying a trip to Paris is a cure all. You're an intelligent guy, articulate guy, you know what turns your soul on - where your passion is, be like a nike commercial and just do it.
cheers to ya!

gayle

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 38

RE: How long do you keep on going before you give up th... - 4/11/2007 12:25:28 PM

His1kitten

Posts: 53
Joined: 4/2/2007
Status: offline

i was one of the lucky ones, when i decided to give up is the time my One came into my life. You will find who you are looking for littlesarbonn, or rather they will find you. Never give up hope.

much love

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 39

RE: How long do you keep on going before you give up th... - 4/11/2007 12:37:45 PM

completenz

Posts: 315
Joined: 1/10/2007
Status: offline

i know it is hard to remain positive but please try. C has stated more than once that He has spent His whole life looking for me and i feel the same. We know that we are amongst the lucky ones. You can find all that you want and need as long as you remain open.
good luck
hugs
c

(in reply to His1kitten)

Post #: 40

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