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Nogimmicks -> RE: Dealing with childish, bratty, selfish subs (5/3/2007 9:29:25 AM)
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Thunder,
You have a lot of really good advice here. Michael, LA and Charisma have all said what I am about to put in a slightly different way. I am going to start out with an observation from experience. The fault is not in your fiance', but in yourself. You do not need to "dump" her, you need to work on your own ability to train and lead another human being. I was where you are not all that long ago. You want a great D/s relationship, but you don't want to have to deal with adversity to get there. Sorry, it ain't going to go that way.
Let me preface everything that I am about to say by pointing out that you do need to sit down whith her and establish that this lifestyle really is what she wants. Make her think about everything that it really entails. My guess is that she has already acknowledged that it is, and is waiting for you to start being dominant. She probably doesn't even know that that is what she is doing.
Now, assuming she acknowledges that she wants a D/s lifestyle. Now, I have an assignment for you, I want you to watch a television show on Animal Planet called "the Dog Whisperer". Take everything the man says on that show and apply it to the human relationship you have with her and things will start to change very quickly. That show is all about dominance and how to apply it in a D/s relationship. Of course, I wouldn't necessarily tell her the source upon which you are basing your pre-marital counseling, she will likely get a little upset.
However, the principals that that show espouses apply to any relationship that involves a power exchange. You are not first and foremost her lover or her friend or her confidant. First and foremost, you are the master. If she is disrespectful, like rolling over and saying "screw that", she is really asking for you to prove yourself. If you do not, then the whole image is shattered. Michael's approach is a great one, remove yourself from the bed and tell her that when she is ready to show you the respect she acknowledges is due, things can return to normalcy. Remember, when she does finally "come around", you cannot "ease up". The next morning, when she apologized, did you make her then stand in the corner three times as long or make an appointment to do as much that night? You need to stop worrying about whether what you do will annoy her or if she won't like it. Stop fearing that she will actually tell you she wants out and shatter the illusion of dominance. Instead, give her the opportunity to experience you as a truly dominant man. Remember, she should be worrying about whether you are annoyed, you shouldn't worry in the least whether she is. That is really what she needs, not a pal.
Enforce dominance in subtle ways, next time you are at a restaurant, order her meal for her. Order her something you know she likes, but don't give her the right to order for herself. Start making up a menu at home, if she cooks, great, but you determine what will be cooked. When you actually give her an instruction, do not "let it go" if she refuses or does not do it. That doesn't mean you have to be abusive, simply that you let her know how disappointed you are and that things will not be "right" between you until she complies. Remember, despite everything you read about punishments and spankings and all the rest of it, most "subs" will find being ignored to be the absolute worst thing that the man they love can do to them. In fact, it is such an effective punishment that it should be used selectively and even sparingly. Do it too much and she will leave you. When she does comply, give her some consequences for the refusal or stubbornness. Give her the gift of having to make pennance and atonement to you. If she is what she says she wants to be, then she will love you all the more for it. Make yourself into something of value to her. Strategically speaking, her submission to you is a gift, but you shouldn't feel appreciative with every display of it, the overall gift is appreciated, the individual occurrences of it are simply what is expected that make up that gift. Never thank her for compliance, just reward her in ways that also reinforce your dominance.
Now, once you start doing these things consistently, you will find certain things to be true. First, you will not feel like equals and you will feel as though you have lost the friendship you used to have. If you stick with it, though, eventually she will become the person you want her to be and then, amazingly, you will be friends again, closer friends than you ever thought possible. Second, she may well come to realize that the fantasy of D/s is very different than the reality. At that point you both have to decide whether or not to pursue the lifestyle or each other. The good news is that you have a whole year to determine which way things will go.
Now, get out there watch "The Dog Whisperer", it will teach you more about a D/s rlationship than anything you will ever learn in these forums. When you have watched a few episodes of that, we can start talking about horse training, which is also similar to interhuman relationships, LOL.
Good luck to you both, I hope you find what you are looking for. If it turns out that you make a better "vanilla" couple than a D/s couple, then great, but don't give up on a woman you love easily either way.
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