Aswad
Posts: 9374
Joined: 4/4/2007
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Just an initial response here, before reading the rest of the thread.
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ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
First off, if you have to chest thump or proclaim how pure your whatever is, we have a gorean forum for that.
Not a very nice thing to say. There have been decent threads on that forum, and most of the posters there are quite reasonable. The Goreans get a lot of flak. Some of it is deserved, most of it isn't. No wonder they get all defensive and hard to talk to sometimes. Being derogatory kind of loses the high ground...
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As a favor, if you choose to post in this thread, try your best to be open and genuine as well as a bit vulnerable.
Don't I always? 
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In my journey I have often wondered if my desire to dominate is healthy both for me and for my partner/s.
I've wondered about the same thing. Still do, sometimes. Since we started out in a vanilla relationship, the usual bit about "consequences for own choices" doesn't cover it, and I'd feel pretty bad to discover it wasn't the right way to go at some point.
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I believe it isn't the act but the motivation that decides if something is or isn't healthy.
I think it's the outcome that decides if it's healthy. Jack the Ripper may have had good motives, according to some, but the outcome was negative. And the acts, along with the other party's perception of your motives, are the dominant factor in outcome.
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So is my dominance simply a mask for insecurity, is it some inability to deal with the chaos of the real world? Is it perhaps some vain attempt to control someone so that I don't have to confront my issues?
Interesting questions.
I've felt insecure about some things, sometimes for extended periods of time, but not insecure in general. Could you clarify which of these you meant? As to the chaos of the real world, I've always found the chaos of the inner world to be far greater, and much harder to deal with. If you are asking whether D/s is a form of escapism, I think it can be for some, but I don't think it is for me.
Is there vanity in controlling others? Perhaps. Is vanity always a bad thing? I know there are things I am vain about, and things I am overly proud about. Do I use D/s toward this end? I don't think so, although I do like showing off my progress with neph to others on occasion; I don't think that's a bad thing, because she likes it as well, and it boosts her confidence.
As for not confronting one's own issues, I'm not sure what issues you could avoid confronting by practicing D/s. I find it forces me to confront more of my own issues, and thrusts more responsibility on me in that regard, something I don't always appreciate, but still try to deal with.
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My mother is a wicked control freak. I don't react well to women who try and control me, even if it comes from a place of love and concern. So I have had to learn and still learn how to play with the role I know of being a control freak but doing so from a more and more healthy place. I am curious how true this is for others who identify as a dominant, did you have one or more controlling parent?
Freud would have a field day with D/s, but I'm not a Freudian, fortunately.
My mom had control issues, but more in the sense that she had to assert control about herself, not in the sense that she had to control others. My dad didn't use to have control issues, but recent life events have caused him to develop some; those, I react badly to. I do think he may have been slightly controlling in regard to my mother, although not to the extent that I find typical of their generation. As for me, they've always let me go my own way, offering advice along the way, but leaving the decisions to me, even when they didn't approve of my choices.
I don't respond well to people of either gender trying to control me, and never have. Some have stated that I have an authority problem, which is partially true: I don't allow people to take authority, I give them authority over me if I have a good reason to do so (e.g. in a work environment) or if I want to (e.g. because I think they're better suited to making the decisions in a given situation than I am). I also don't have a problem with taking on a submissive role for a session, sub-space and all, but I couldn't be happy living as a submissive or a slave, I'm pretty sure. At least not in any realistic scenario, or with any women I've met.
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We often hear that submissives are formed from abusive parents and I think many of us have seen enough examples to know that, while common, certainly isn't universal. So my question for submissives is how many of you had parents who didn't provide structure, who didn't provide boundaries or whom grew up in chaos and thus crave structure?
My parents provided boundaries, and explained the reasons for them to me, as well as providing a modicum of structure. As far as I'm concerned, I have been blessed with the best parents and upbringing that anyone could realistically hope for, and both my sister and my friends agree about this.
For me, it's something that's always been there, although it was somewhat supressed by an extended period of severe depression.
Back in kindergarden, there were two clear "alpha males" in our section, in the sense of two males all the others deferred to. I was one of them. He recognized I had the stronger intellect, I recognized he had more physical strength, and we worked out a kind of arrangement. The others fell in line.
Upon entering school, things changed a bit. I didn't feel any sense of belonging with my peers, and instead associated with the adults when they were available, or stayed with myself or the single peer I found companionship in for the first 5 years, becoming something of a lone wolf. I'm not sure if I'd say there was any power dynamic in that relationship, as we were mostly discussing topics of mutual interest in a calm and orderly fashion. Later on, I associated with other peers, who generally deferred to me while in private; in groups, I would remain somewhat detached and apart anyway, and I can't say there was any definite dynamic there. In our equivalents of high-school and college, there was a weak "alpha" dynamic with those I associated with.
In my professional life, I've consciously avoided asserting myself in a way that was inappropriate to my position, yet I've found that I often tend to draw rapt attention when I speak at meetings. The strangest experience in this regard was when a marketing guy in one company, whose position definitely "outranked" mine, would consistently avoid direct eye contact and would look to me, as if for assurance, before addressing the people he was supposed to brief and after each point, as if seeking approval. He also behaved quite deferentially in other contexts.
Anyway, that was a bit of a detour, and perhaps a bit of vanity(?), but it goes to illustrate that I can't say that my upbringing has been a major factor in forming my interest in the dynamics of power exchange.
_____________________________
"If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind.
From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do." -- Rorschack, Watchmen.
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RE: Formation of dominants and submissives - 
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