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RE: feeling taken advantage of - 6/29/2007 6:04:55 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHeart

Yes, that's being taken advantage of. If he is being a part time Dominant, then he shouldn't expect you to be a full time slave. It's my motorbike example being extended into a lifestyle. You have asked the question for a reason. Your instincts are telling you something doesn't feel right here. You are not "wrong" - feelings aren't "wrong" - they are a signal to sit up and pay attention and re evaluate your "relationship" dynamic.
Hugs
:))
LH


mmmmm so the slave doesn't get what she wants and the Dominant is a Part-timer?  That is foolish.

yeah..  I agree that feeling have value and that they tell us something...... but instead of looking to blame outwardly...  one should also look inwardly as well.  Seldom is only one direction.  Last time I checked... Master's had an option to use a slave as they desire.  Of course...Like using your Motorbike... if you don't maintain it to a certain degree.. you will not have a useful bike for long.

Some Property has High Maintenance Requirements to keep it useful... Some have Low Maintenance Requirements to keep it useful.

However... the degree of Maintenance required doesn't actually translate into the Usefulness of a property.  Some property can require High degree's of Maintenance and really have very limited usefulness. 

                                         High
                                    Maintenance 
                                            |                                             
                                            |
                                            |
High Usefulness-------------------------------- Low Usefulness
                                            |
                                            |
                                            |
                                         Low
                                   Maintenance

Generally speaking a property will be somewhere along those two axis.  There is alot of pressure.. external and internal for a slave/submissive to be High Usefulness and Low Maintenance.   Frankly, I think there is very Few Masters/Dominants that will want a High Maintenace/Low Usefulness Slave/submissive and even fewer will want a High Maintenance and Low Usefulness Slave/submissive. 

I believe each person has a limit of how much Maintenance they will give in a relationship to the usefulness received.  This is not a M/s or D/s dynamic thing... this is a Relationship thing!  and use.. a Master needs to be Maintained just like a slave and has only a certain usefulness that can be received.  When you put two people together... there personal acceptable Ratio of Maintenance to Usefulness need to be compatiable.  IT need not be exact.. but it should be within a tolerable range for the relationship to be enjoyed.

< Message edited by KnightofMists -- 6/29/2007 6:10:13 AM >

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to LadyHeart)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: feeling taken advantage of - 6/29/2007 6:13:26 AM   
MissSCD


Posts: 1185
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline 		MagiksSlave:

A Master or Mistress can take advantage of sub/slaves very easily and this is usually a result of misrepresentation on behalf of the Dom/me.
I preach online misrepresentation. It happened to me when I started as a sub.   I got involved with a Male Dom online who had me on cam doing all kinds of things.  The thing is I did them beyond my control.  Now I am angry.
It doesn't do any good to try and warn people because they are going to do basically what they wish to.
I won't do any online scening now.  I have a real life slave and we are permanetly engaged.   We have been together for three years.  
Beware because they are out there.

Regards, MissSCD

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: feeling taken advantage of - 6/29/2007 6:32:22 AM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		ms, this really comes down to the initial arrangements you made with your Master. I loathe the term "contract", but for lack of a better word, what are the terms the two of you set up when you chose to enter this relationship. If he promised certain things, which he is now ignoring, he is not holding up his end of the M/s bargain and you have every right to feel slighted and used. Please remember, being a slave does not mean your needs are not important (unless, of course, that is the arrangement that was initially made). Being submissive does not mean you don't have the right to talk to your Master and explain, in the proper way, that you are unhappy, and why this is so.

As others have said, you are not going to find your answers here, you need to talk to Him. But hopefully what you can get here is the encouragement that you have a right to voice your discomfort.

As a general remark, I might add that when it comes to the terms of a M/s relationship, there is a tendency to focus on what the slave's responsibilities are. A fair Master will include what his responsibilities are, and I think a lot do not. But they should. Because a relationship is heading for trouble if there are strict rules for the sub, and none for the Master.

I realize this can be hard for submissives to deal with. Try to remember that being sub/slave does not make you worth less, and you have a right to speak up about your needs. Again, unless you purposefully give up that right.

Any Master who says they are in control and don't have to promise anything, I would be wary of. A responsible Master, who has the care of his slave at heart, will lay out the responsibilities of both parties. There is nothing unMasterful about that. In fact it is more Masterful.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: feeling taken advantage of - 6/29/2007 6:46:33 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		It's really very simple to me.

If I give two men orange trees that are laden with delicious fruit:

Man one is thrilled by his wonderful bounty. Every day he goes out and picks an orange from the tree and savors it's sweetness. But beyond that, he does nothing more with the tree.

Man two is also thrilled by the wonderful bounty. Every day he also goes out and picks an orange from the tree and savors it's sweetness. This man places the tree in a place where it will get the benefit of the warm sun. He nourishes it with water and nutrients. He carefully prunes it.

Pretty soon, all of the fruit from the first man's tree is gone. The tree becomes unhealthy and begins to dry and wither. The second man's tree has grown, it continues to bear fruit and the fruit becomes even sweeter with time.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out who the smarter man is.

< Message edited by mistoferin -- 6/29/2007 6:47:05 AM >

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: feeling taken advantage of - 6/29/2007 6:54:06 AM   
desiresluv


Posts: 41
Joined: 6/13/2007
Status: offline 		I think the only way you are going to know is to ask him directly.  The suggestions and opinions that are offered here are great and offer decent explanations.  It has been my experience though that when there is a problem--go to the source.  He may be waiting for you to question his behaviour in order to offer you an explanation.  I hope it all works out for you.  The balance between serving, and having your needs met are important.  Without one, the other becomes less and less of an interest.  Good luck...~desiresluv~

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: feeling taken advantage of - 6/29/2007 6:57:25 AM   
Ayanaev717


Posts: 72
Status: offline 		Yes Magik

In my opinion, a Master or Domme can take advantage of a submissive should their motive and intentions not be in the right place. You have to remember some come with baggage and therefore would enjoy to use, misuse, and abuse someone who is open and willing to serve. However realize I said use, misuse, and abuse. Therefore it is important for you to negotiate and communicate when you're feeling this way.

Or

It could be that the submissive has old baggage and needs to address the issues. Either way communication is needed.

Sincerely,

A

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: feeling taken advantage of - 6/29/2007 7:27:13 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I enjoy being taken advantage of to a certain extent.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to ExSteelAgain)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: feeling taken advantage of - 6/29/2007 7:40:32 AM   
sabba


Posts: 397
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline 		Greetings magiksslave;

sabba's first thought is that if you entered into a TPE relationship, then no....there is nothing He shouldn't be able to request that would be outside the scope of your service. sabba is Gorean, and does recognize that her mindset is a bit different than most that have answered, but still thinks it applies in some cases.

When she looked at your profile though, she did notice that it states your Master is looking for a Mistress for Himself. Perhaps this is what the real issue is......He may not want to be Dominant anymore. And now,  as others have suggested,  He is "neglecting" His responsibilities (you) with the hope of you leaving out of frustration.

Just a thought....

well wishes,
sabba{CB}

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: feeling taken advantage of - 6/29/2007 7:54:11 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		Ya know, I just don't get the thinking that when you're a slave, it automatically means that you're not allowed to have human emotions and such. But, that's not your question...

Your question is, "Is it possible?" Well, of course it is. You're feeling it, so it's possible.

The implied questions are, "Should I feel this way?" and, "Is it allowed?" Answering the last question is actually the easiest: no, you shouldn't ever feel like someone is taking advantage of you, unless you have given them your personal power and are allowing them to do so. If you feel this way, it's because some kind of need in you isn't being met. You need to talk to your Master about how you're feeling and WHY you're feeling this way. It's then up to him to decide if he's going to address the issue or not. If he decides to not address the issue, you then have the job of deciding if this is healthy for you. Just because he's the Master doesn't give him the right to create a situation that isn't healthy for you...unless you gave him the power to do this. If the latter is true, then it's YOUR decisions you have to look at; you might need to change your mind in order to maintain yourself in a healthy way.

My take on it is: if he's said that you're not allowed to feel this way and you ARE, then it's your duty to work on it so that you no longer do. This means talking to him and making him aware of how you feel. If he's forbidden you to feel this way, it's then UP TO HIM to create an atmosphere where you don't. It's, in part, HIS responsibility to create the environment so that you can follow his orders.

Master Fire




_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: feeling taken advantage of - 6/29/2007 8:11:31 AM   
Wildfleurs


Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave
Does it even make sence for a slave to feel taken advantage of by her Master?


Yes.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave
Can a Master even take advantage of his slave??


Yes.

I mean a slave is property, of course you can (and to some degree should) take advantage of something you own.

C~


_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: feeling taken advantage of - 6/29/2007 8:12:52 AM   
MasterMataeo


Posts: 215
Joined: 1/24/2007
Status: offline 		limits are limits,, if the limits are crossed an agreement has been broken and therefor  advantage has been taken,,
a M/s relationship is an agreement between two consinting adults,, if that line is crossed then well advantage is taken,,
take into concideration the misuse of saftywords on that note,, A Master/Mistress can also be taken advantage of,,
the balance is critical ,,
so in essence Yes a slave can be taken advantage of  if one is not careful for yes we are all human , like LadyHeart said,,
and yes like Lashara said, you need to have a sit down and explaine how you feel ,,for the balance is critical,for boths happiness

MasterMataeo

(in reply to ExSteelAgain)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: feeling taken advantage of - 6/29/2007 9:41:44 AM   
bladedom


Posts: 39
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		You get what you negotiate.

(in reply to ExSteelAgain)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: feeling taken advantage of - 6/29/2007 10:00:54 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave

Ok I have a question

Does it even make sence for a slave to feel taken advantage of by her Master? Can a Master even take advantage of his slave??


Magik's slave


Make sense? Sure, how we feel isn't a matter of sense or logic, just our feelings.

I think it depends on the structure of the relationship.

If you have agreed to certain areas of authority then if those are ignored you might feel taken advantage of and arguably you might be. If you agreed to certain types of feedback and then those aren't given you might also feel this way.

A good self-reflection and some distance might help figure out if the feeling is about being taken advantage of or another feeling like being ignored or being ineffectively used or something else. I think our feelings are not necessarily easy to decipher all the time so we can think X is what we are feeling when really it's H that's getting to us.

Let me try to think of a good example from my life.

This is me, not a slave or a Ds situation in particular.

Let's say I'm feeling angry. Angry is probably, in my experience and awareness of myself, a secondary feeling not the primary feeling. The primary feeling might be fear or sadness or out of control really. I'm going to continue to feel that secondary feeling though until I tackle the primary feeling.

So feeling like one is being taken advantage of may be a secondary feeling that is hiding the real issue or question.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: feeling taken advantage of - 6/29/2007 10:38:39 AM   
MasterMataeo


Posts: 215
Joined: 1/24/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bladedom

You get what you negotiate.


so true so true ,, I cant say it any better

MasterMataeo

(in reply to bladedom)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: feeling taken advantage of - 6/29/2007 10:43:24 AM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		My definition of the phrase “taken advantage of” in the negative sense is to be used without regard my well-being and the risk of harm is immediate and certain.  Yes, if a master is intentionally using the slave in a way that they know is harmful to them, they are taking advantage of them in a negative way.  In my opinion, the phrase used this way reflects abuse occurring within the relationship.
 
However, I do not see using a slave without regard to their pleasure as taking advantage of them in a negative context.  I serve at his pleasure and not at mine.  If the way he wants to use me is not fulfilling for me, then it is time to evaluate if I can be a slave to him. 
 
I also think that there is a difference between being fulfilled in the moment and being fulfilled within the relationship.  From moment to moment I may not feel fulfilled, but when viewing the relationship as a whole I am fulfilled.
 
What you express in your subsequent posts does not lead me to think that he is taking advantage of  you in a negative sense.  From what you express he is using you at his pleasure and that is not fulfilling to you in this moment.  The question is does this moment (or moments) outweigh your fulfillment in the relationship? 
 
The phrase does not have to have a negative connotation either.  My Lord regularly takes advantage of my skills, my intelligence, my body, etc.  He benefits by using them but it is not harmful to my well-being.  In fact, I find it highly fulfilling overall that he uses me to his benefit.
 
Knight’s Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: feeling taken advantage of - 6/29/2007 11:06:39 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		Hi MagiksSlave,

It sounds as if you're feeling a little taken for granted and neglected. What do you think you need to feel differently about the way things are at the moment?

agirl

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: feeling taken advantage of - 6/29/2007 11:40:25 AM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain

It is hard for us to know exactly what is up with your relationship and we are offering our experiences and observations as I’m about to do. Take it for what it’s worth. Also, I acknowledge the above posts may be as accurate as what I say.

However, it is a practice of some Doms when they tire of a slave to begin to use her strictly for domestic service until she tires of the whole thing and moves on. If she stays, he has a service submissive who can be used without the need to provide any warm and fuzzy feelings. Some do attempt to stay, but the neglect and requirements for service can steadily be increased until she eventually realizes she can’t continue.    


As much as it is killing me, I am fastly aproching this point. I dont want to lose my Master and I do know a lot of what is going on is do to stress in life. But that doesnt mean Ill be able to go on like this forever, I cant!!  I dont WANT to leave my Master but if things go on like this indefinetly I am going to NEED to at least take a break.

To all of you who suggested talking to him, I have been, and we have been working on things. I just was haveing trouble comeing to grips with my feelings. And when I got home from Masters house last night I just couldnt stop crying. Master had gone to bed sick so I was stuck prosseing my own feelings and this the reason i came here with them, to get feed back from like minded folks.

Thank you all very much!

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to ExSteelAgain)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: feeling taken advantage of - 6/29/2007 11:40:55 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave

Ok I have a question

Does it even make sence for a slave to feel taken advantage of by her Master? Can a Master even take advantage of his slave??
Magik's slave


At the end of the day, it comes down to not what you feel is happening but what you think is happening.  In your heart, something "not right" is happening or it would not have triggered feelings of confusion and resentment.  In your mind, something "not right" is happening because it triggered those thoughts of "wait a minute, this is not what we negotiated at the start nor is it what I asked for when I asked him to please give me some service-oriented tasks...I did not ask him to give up other obligations to the relationship."

Everyone of us has our own individual feelings and thoughts and boundaries around the dynamic we are in or hope to be in.  When things go wrong within those boundaries, it is time for assessment.  While it is helpful to come here and ask questions...look at the great answers from many perspectives you have received...you also have to be able to add these to your own perspective and assess.  kyra brought up an excellent point about fulfillment...sit back and ask yourself if you are just new to this feeling of NOT being fulfilled in the moment but in an overall look at the relationship, are you feeling fulfilled.  Then, you need to ask yourself a question such as:  even if you are feeling fulfilled within the relationship now, is there a chance of the dissatisfaction within the moment growing larger or of the number of moments of dissatisfaction increasing until it does affect the fulfillment within the relationship as a whole?

It is possible to be taken advantage of but that speaks to intent and motivation of the one creating the question of whether or not you are being taken advantage of and for that, you will....after assessment and thought...have to go to him.


(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: feeling taken advantage of - 6/29/2007 11:51:50 AM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bladedom

You get what you negotiate.



thats the problem, Im not.

It seems that I am still slave but he is no longer Master. i understand he is going through some of his own issues with trying to find a way to get his own submissive needs met i have even been trying to help him do this.

If he is trying to get me to leave... then well... he knows all he has to do is tell me he isnt interested in the relationship anymore, he knows I dont take beeing menipulated lightly and he knows doing this could have him lose me as even a friend forever, he has always said even if M/s wasnt there he would want our friendship to continue so i do hope this is not what is going on.. I have never been one to stay where Im not wanted so all he ever has to do is tell me directly to leave and Ill be gone!!!

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to bladedom)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: feeling taken advantage of - 6/29/2007 11:53:25 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

so all he ever has to do is tell me directly to leave and Ill be gone!!!


Or you can have a discussion with him about your needs not being met and make your own decision regarding whether to stay or leave.


_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 40
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