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Seeking advice for a new FemDom. - 7/19/2009 9:32:07 PM

Mykaois

Posts: 1
Joined: 7/19/2009
Status: offline

Hello,

While my bdsm knowledge is rather wide compared to the majority of the people I know, it's rather basic when it comes to the community itself. I generally find myself to be submissive, but I've been known to be a switcher. Moreso, my submissive knowledge is confined to the bedroom with my significant other who isn't labeled as my dom. And any other knowledge and experience I've gotten so far is photoshoot and modeling related (i.e. posture collar & shibari/bondage).

Anyway, I've been asked by a friend to be his femdom, and I have absolutely no idea where to start. This is a non-sexual relationship. I'm not quite sure what kind of orders to give, and he's pretty open to anything (which one would think would get the creative juices flowing but no...it doesn't help me on decision making).

So, I'm asking both sides to give me advice on what to do and how to act. I know what to expect, I know how to reward and punish, I just don't know how to start.

I hope this post makes sense...

And thanks in advance.

< Message edited by Mykaois -- 7/19/2009 10:14:54 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: Seeking advice for a new FemDom. - 7/20/2009 3:34:22 AM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline

I'm not sure what you mean with the "wide knowledge" and "little community"-the two don't neccessarily go hand in hand--do you mean lots of book learning and little practical experience?

As for the current situation, why did he ask and why would you accept? What are the motivations?

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to Mykaois)

Post #: 2

RE: Seeking advice for a new FemDom. - 7/20/2009 4:56:38 AM

MmeGigs

Posts: 706
Joined: 1/26/2008
Status: offline

There are about as many ways to be a femdom as there are femdoms, and about as many ways to be a malesub as there are malesubs. Since you're doing this for a friend, I'd suggest asking him what pushes his buttons and doing some research on those things.

(in reply to Mykaois)

Post #: 3

RE: Seeking advice for a new FemDom. - 7/20/2009 7:19:32 AM

MsStarlett

Posts: 1879
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline

Yep. Best place to start is with the male sub. Ask him what he expects from you and decide if that's something that you are interested in doing. I'm very much into the "BDSM is a two way street" mentality. That means starting with communication. I have totally botched a couple of possible good relationships because I tried to rush right into things. Sounds like you already have the "Just Friends" part covered... so now sit down and chatt to see if any of your kinks line up with his.

_____________________________

It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

(in reply to MmeGigs)

Post #: 4

RE: Seeking advice for a new FemDom. - 7/20/2009 9:09:26 AM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

I respectfully disagree with the advice, "ask the sub what he wants" or "find out his expectations." Female domination is about the pleasure of the domina as the priority. If it's a totally vanilla woman wanting strictly no-strings transactional BDSM as quick and painlessly and passionlessly as possible, then YES, she should just have him write down a list and she should do those things that disgust/bother her least and negotiate what she gets in return.

HOWEVER, in a relationship where the woman is interested in really exploring the femdom role, she should begin in her own comfort zone, with those things that push HER buttons, and then let the sub adapt to her desires and needs. Once those juices are flowing, then she can incorporate, at HER leisure, his expectations/hopes. This is once she's got a style and comfort level unique to her femdom urges.

Mykaois says this is a non sexual situation and she doesn't know where to start. It sounds like the femdom-foundation needs to be set and then they will find their own groove. My tactical suggestions:

1. In your interactions and conversations with your sub, begin adopting a more commanding (playfully) tone. Be sultry, teasing, catwoman-like, unpredictable, and demanding - adopt those kinds of personality traits in a manner/style that fits you like a glove. There are many versions of this "tone" - find the one that you think is fun!

2. Give him rules to follow, but rules that are FUN for you or reward you, not him. Maybe it's rules about when he is to contact you, the procedure, the tone, the titles, whatever. What do you want? You can demand an email daily, a phone call at a certain time. You can tell him he must be on his knees when he does it, or on one knee, or standing with his hands on his head. Whatever makes YOU smile.

3. Think about the kinds of reactions from him entertain, amuse or arouse you, and work backwards into getting those. Is it fear? Arousal? Vulnerability? Excitement? What kinds of moods/emotions do you enjoy creating in him - which ones give you a sense of satisfaction or pleasure? Once you know these, seek to find ways to make him respond that way. When all else fails, spell it out for him: "It turns me on when you ....(insert thing)."

4. Adopt a physical presence that exudes the kind of control and confidence that makes YOU feel sexy and have fun. Maybe it's eye contact, using the snapping of your fingers to demand his attention, making him walk behind you, giving him orders that include physical things he must do in your presence. These should all be things that YOU enjoy.

5. Wrap yourself in an inpenetrable blanket of confidence, playfulness and delight in his submissive/vulnerable/helpless/subservient nature. How do you do this? You just DO. You adopt this mindset and if you must, fake it, until it feels natural and real. His reaction to your confidence will FEED you confidence. Confidences is the single most important trait for a femdom and it's what keeps the wheels spinning for many subs, and what they are drawn to helplessly like a moth to a flame. Confidence is exuded in how you carry yourself, how you speak and how you express your emotions.

The femdoms who start with "find out what he wants," or get a list of things he is expecting all mean well, and that's a method to more match up your tolerance-level with his needs, or at least find out what he is thinking. I think it's backwards however, and bred from the type of relationship where the femdom behaves in a manner to appease the sub and gets her pleasure in a job well done. I think femdoms who honestly want to learn to enjoy female dominance have to start from THEIR center of :lust: and let the sub be the one to adapt if her actions and demeanor don't fit his cookie-cutter ideal of what femdom is. At the core, most solid submissives want a woman who enjoys her dominance and has confidence, and NEITHER of those are possible if a woman is awkwardly working off a list of things she THINKS the sub wants her to do, and constantly worrying if she is doing it right or not. If she works off a list of things SHE enjoys, she's going to feel much more natural in her role. Only after that step can she begin the process of evaluating HIS wishes/fantasies into her own style of domination.

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to Mykaois)

Post #: 5

RE: Seeking advice for a new FemDom. - 7/20/2009 3:34:39 PM

MsStarlett

Posts: 1879
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline

Yes, AAkasha, that's normally accepted behavior. But I was under the impression that this is a primarily sub inclined switch. The sub male friend may be wanting far more from her than she can give. Is one night of 'bad play' worth blowing the friendship?

_____________________________

It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 6

RE: Seeking advice for a new FemDom. - 7/20/2009 4:18:25 PM

LookieNoNookie

Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mykaois

Hello,

While my bdsm knowledge is rather wide compared to the majority of the people I know, it's rather basic when it comes to the community itself. I generally find myself to be submissive, but I've been known to be a switcher. Moreso, my submissive knowledge is confined to the bedroom with my significant other who isn't labeled as my dom. And any other knowledge and experience I've gotten so far is photoshoot and modeling related (i.e. posture collar & shibari/bondage).

Anyway, I've been asked by a friend to be his femdom, and I have absolutely no idea where to start. This is a non-sexual relationship. I'm not quite sure what kind of orders to give, and he's pretty open to anything (which one would think would get the creative juices flowing but no...it doesn't help me on decision making).

So, I'm asking both sides to give me advice on what to do and how to act. I know what to expect, I know how to reward and punish, I just don't know how to start.

I hope this post makes sense...

And thanks in advance.

Nice.

So well phrased.

(in reply to Mykaois)

Post #: 7

RE: Seeking advice for a new FemDom. - 7/20/2009 5:11:06 PM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsStarlett

Yes, AAkasha, that's normally accepted behavior. But I was under the impression that this is a primarily sub inclined switch. The sub male friend may be wanting far more from her than she can give. Is one night of 'bad play' worth blowing the friendship?

Of course - but one night of "bad play" can come from a femdom feeling overwhelmed by her partner's expectations, pressured to perform or feeling like she's got to measure up to what he wants. The only pressure-free way for a woman to experiment with female domination is to first erase the notion that it starts with finding out HIS needs/desires. That's backwards.

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to MsStarlett)

Post #: 8

RE: Seeking advice for a new FemDom. - 7/20/2009 5:17:27 PM

MmeGigs

Posts: 706
Joined: 1/26/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
I think it's backwards however, and bred from the type of relationship where the femdom behaves in a manner to appease the sub and gets her pleasure in a job well done. I think femdoms who honestly want to learn to enjoy female dominance have to start from THEIR center of :lust: and let the sub be the one to adapt if her actions and demeanor don't fit his cookie-cutter ideal of what femdom is.

We all look at things very differently. For me, kinky play has nothing to do with dominance and submission, except occasionally in a role-playing way. Depending on who I'm playing with and what we're doing, kinky play is like sex, sports, art, or some combination of those. I don't feel domly when I've got hubby tied up and am beating the crap out of him or carving designs in him with a cautery pen, I feel domly when he's happy to bring the car around to pick me up so I don't have to walk three blocks to where it's parked, or when he makes a late night 40-mile round trip drive to town because I'm jonesing for ice cream.

quote:

At the core, most solid submissives want a woman who enjoys her dominance and has confidence, and NEITHER of those are possible if a woman is awkwardly working off a list of things she THINKS the sub wants her to do, and constantly worrying if she is doing it right or not. If she works off a list of things SHE enjoys, she's going to feel much more natural in her role. Only after that step can she begin the process of evaluating HIS wishes/fantasies into her own style of domination.

I think that you're off base in assuming that asking what he thinks/wants makes one a service top. For someone who is new to femdommery, regardless of her personal views on domination, finding out about her partner's kinks is vital. I think that you're right that confidence is really important, but there's nothing that can build up confidence like a few successful scenes or destroy it more than a couple of early flops.

When it comes to kinky play, most submissives, solid or otherwise, want a woman who can read their minds and push the right buttons without them ever having to ask. I don't intend that as a put-down - I would also love to have a partner who could read my mind and push my buttons without me having to tell him what it is I'm looking for. Unfortunately, none of us are mindreaders. For me, a good scene is a collaboration between me and my partner(s). If my playmate isn't into what I'm doing on some level, I'm not going to have any fun.

I've got a fair amount of femdomly experience, but I still need to know what my playmates are interested in before I start playing with them. Knowing where a guy's buttons are doesn't oblige me to push them, it just lets me know where they are should I want to push them. Or make a point of avoiding pushing them just to torture him. Unless he's one of those rare fellows who gets off on being made to do things he doesn't get off on, there's a good chance I'll hit a "Red" (or worse, a "Beige") if I don't know where his interests and limits are.

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 9

RE: Seeking advice for a new FemDom. - 7/20/2009 5:27:18 PM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MmeGigs

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
I think it's backwards however, and bred from the type of relationship where the femdom behaves in a manner to appease the sub and gets her pleasure in a job well done. I think femdoms who honestly want to learn to enjoy female dominance have to start from THEIR center of :lust: and let the sub be the one to adapt if her actions and demeanor don't fit his cookie-cutter ideal of what femdom is.

We all look at things very differently. For me, kinky play has nothing to do with dominance and submission, except occasionally in a role-playing way. Depending on who I'm playing with and what we're doing, kinky play is like sex, sports, art, or some combination of those. I don't feel domly when I've got hubby tied up and am beating the crap out of him or carving designs in him with a cautery pen, I feel domly when he's happy to bring the car around to pick me up so I don't have to walk three blocks to where it's parked, or when he makes a late night 40-mile round trip drive to town because I'm jonesing for ice cream.

quote:

At the core, most solid submissives want a woman who enjoys her dominance and has confidence, and NEITHER of those are possible if a woman is awkwardly working off a list of things she THINKS the sub wants her to do, and constantly worrying if she is doing it right or not. If she works off a list of things SHE enjoys, she's going to feel much more natural in her role. Only after that step can she begin the process of evaluating HIS wishes/fantasies into her own style of domination.

I think that you're off base in assuming that asking what he thinks/wants makes one a service top. For someone who is new to femdommery, regardless of her personal views on domination, finding out about her partner's kinks is vital. I think that you're right that confidence is really important, but there's nothing that can build up confidence like a few successful scenes or destroy it more than a couple of early flops.

When it comes to kinky play, most submissives, solid or otherwise, want a woman who can read their minds and push the right buttons without them ever having to ask. I don't intend that as a put-down - I would also love to have a partner who could read my mind and push my buttons without me having to tell him what it is I'm looking for. Unfortunately, none of us are mindreaders. For me, a good scene is a collaboration between me and my partner(s). If my playmate isn't into what I'm doing on some level, I'm not going to have any fun.

I've got a fair amount of femdomly experience, but I still need to know what my playmates are interested in before I start playing with them. Knowing where a guy's buttons are doesn't oblige me to push them, it just lets me know where they are should I want to push them. Or make a point of avoiding pushing them just to torture him. Unless he's one of those rare fellows who gets off on being made to do things he doesn't get off on, there's a good chance I'll hit a "Red" (or worse, a "Beige") if I don't know where his interests and limits are.

In my experience with female domination, the biggest disaster starts with the man's expectations. I'm just talking about what I have done to help couples for the last ten years with great results. The time to really dig into what the man wants and needs is *after* a woman gets the confidence about dominating on her terms. Otherwise in the back of her head are the nagging feelings of not measuring up because she is comparing what she does to what he wants. By all means, if they both agree it's the fastest and easiest way, that's THE WAY TO GO! But if she wants to learn to enjoy the process of femdom/power exchange, baby steps require that she start from her inner femdom, not from his fantasy femdom. It also requires a partner in a sub who can stand back and let her grow and know his fantasies are not going to get met out of the gate, but when she feels ready to start incorporating them.

The single most "ewww, gross" factor and "I could NEVER do S&M" with women comes from expectations and roles. If you remove all the stereotypes and pressure and let her enjoy domination on *her* terms to start, then build confidence, it's much easier for her to find her "inner femdom."

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to MmeGigs)

Post #: 10

RE: Seeking advice for a new FemDom. - 7/20/2009 5:47:35 PM

hardbodysub

Posts: 1654
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline

All good points, but even if she is going to create a situation that focuses on her desires, it's still a good idea for her to find out what pushes his buttons. With that knowledge, it's a lot easier for her to influence him in the desired direction, manipulate him, wrap him around her finger. If she doesn't have that knowledge and use it to her advantage, she's wasting a very important source of power.

[edited to correct formatting]

< Message edited by hardbodysub -- 7/20/2009 5:48:52 PM >

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 11

RE: Seeking advice for a new FemDom. - 7/20/2009 6:15:45 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

Coming from the focus I have, which isn't dominance, but what I want in all area's of life, I see this working best by knowing what I want in life and how to get it. I want to know what trips a man's trigger so that I can use it for my own pleasure. I feed off of creating a spark and controling that spark in him. If we are not well suited kink wise... then I want to know that before we play. Anyone I am playing with is someone who has been with me in a relationship or someone who could be. At some level there is an equality in the dynamic's even. A consideration if you will, for what they want or need.

When I ask about things, I do not say that I am going to do those things. I don't say I will or when, if I will. I will do it when I want to. That never knowing what will happen and not being able to expect it, gives me the control I want to work on his mind and body. They trust that in due time... I will do most everything we have talked about, but they will have no clue as to when and they have to be with me a long time before they can start guessing and being close to right. Having men who couldn't make it with me because of other things... mostly my health and life because of my health... still wanting me.. still bored with others and wishing they could have been stronger and missing me.. tells me I did things right. I still have that control to some degree, to step in and work them the way I wish to if I wanted to.

But I don't just do this sexually. I won't control someone if that is the only way I can control them. I want it all. I just happen to like knowing what I can do to them and watch them melt when they need it, want it and are just consumed with having it. And I basically will do that in most other area's as well.

I enjoy my power and I don't need to rob from them to have it. I don't feel I have to please them to the point of getting upset if I don't. It isn't that it doesn't matter. It is simply that I know it all comes in time and I have time. I am secure in the knowledge that I can make what happens good, even on an off night or week or month! Those off times are just something to laugh about; not something to get upset about. I know my weakness and my flaws and so will they! lol I don't go by dingy domme for no reason! lol I can be dingy, I can be odd, I can be all the things I am and that is just part of it all.

It isn't always dominance that makes a dominant shine... but confidence.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to hardbodysub)

Post #: 12

RE: Seeking advice for a new FemDom. - 7/20/2009 6:30:25 PM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: hardbodysub

All good points, but even if she is going to create a situation that focuses on her desires, it's still a good idea for her to find out what pushes his buttons. With that knowledge, it's a lot easier for her to influence him in the desired direction, manipulate him, wrap him around her finger. If she doesn't have that knowledge and use it to her advantage, she's wasting a very important source of power.

[edited to correct formatting]

All good stuff: FOR LATER.
If a man isn't patient enough to let a femdom first find her own confidence for her pleasure, he won't be seeing the benefits. It's a slippery slope once you get into "well if you know what pushes his buttons..." because all of that is a huge, menacing, glaring distraction. It's in her head. It's the "must do" list. It's the "what if I do it wrong?" list. All that self-talk undermines playfulness and the ability for a woman to enjoy the basic idea: control.

And at the heart of it, what *most* subs want is a woman who *enjoys* her dominance and it's real enjoyment, not faked enjoyment. Most sub men are very, very happy to let her ride her "femdom training wheels" on him if it means maybe his fantasies take a back seat until she realizes just how much fun it is to have that kind of control. Freedom from expectations is very, very liberating. When I talk to new femdoms about their concerns and roadblocks it always comes down to, "he.." and "he..." and whatnot -- all his expectations and her fears. It needs to be about HER pleasure and amusement. If you take all the expectations OFF the table at the start, it gives her a chance to enjoy pressure-free control.

For some women, it just takes a few rounds of this to be able to start taking his desires and fantasies and using them. For other women it takes longer. The biggest obstacle I have observed is her confidence shaken by feeling that she's not good enough, mean enough, kinky enough or doing enough 'stuff' to him, based on his fantasies. The best way to avoid this mess is to start with HER fantasies, and work back around to his once she gets her grounding.

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to hardbodysub)

Post #: 13

RE: Seeking advice for a new FemDom. - 7/20/2009 6:43:24 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

Akasha, I can see what you are saying and can relate. I ran into a submissive with far more kink experience than I had. Some of his kinks were things I never was attracted to and even things I would never want to do. I found myself getting off balance and insecure or worried about it as we talked because I was not comfortable with things and he was insisting to some degree that if I just tried it, I would like it.

Excuse me?! Now wait just a minute! lol

That lasted for a time, I can't remember how long... but it wasn't long! I don't do unbalanced in myself for long! While I was newer with the kink, I was not newer with dominance! I decided no more. No more discussion... no more unless it was going the way I directed it. Period. Got my balance in myself back and didn't look back.

So I guess I can see where someone new might have some difficulties... but learning to laugh about yourself, learning to be confident even though we all have moments when we might not be... but grounding yourself in yourself and what you want first is the key. So on some level I can understand why you tell these women to do it as you say, but I am not sure I can totally agree because I would like to see people find that confidence inside themselves, whether dominant or submissive... to be true to who they are and then go from there.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 14

RE: Seeking advice for a new FemDom. - 7/20/2009 7:00:52 PM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

I want to jump in an say that i agree with Akasha 100 percent.

Finding your confidence is the thing HE wants more then any "thing" you could do to him.

He wants to be under your spell, he wants you to delight in teasing and tormenting him, he wants you to have a wicked smile as you test the ropes of the relationship

But just to give you some guide lines for how and where I start:

I like a boy to stand a certain way, and I teach them from the start, and then I have a way to gage how invested though oout the day by seeing where thier arms are, and it is a way to torment them if i So desire.

I like them dressed a certain way....now for you its non sexual, and to be honest you've lost me there, be cause all my subs 18 -80 there is always a sexual component...always.

But do find your inner seductress, and your innate fem fatal.....because that is one of the great gifts of a boys devotion, making you feel like the sexiest hottest thing on heels.

And do make a list of what you want from the journey, in my world I use the words "goals and objectives", sounds clinical, but I like clinical...I like for me to have a road map at least...and then I can decide where to go from there....

And lastly starting him on a journal is always a great way to peek in to his head....

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 15

RE: Seeking advice for a new FemDom. - 7/21/2009 4:03:51 AM

LadyConstanze

Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline

FR

Sit down make a list about areas that interest you and he should do the same, then check where there is an overlap, what are "grey" areas and what are "no go" areas (hard limits) and start from there.

The problem is if you feel pressured by following his "list", you might not enjoy it at all, it could seriously turn you off and sour it completely for you. Now if you got things you want to do and he's not into them, he possibly will walk away, and depending how things are, how you feel about it and all that, you might feel you did something wrong, which also might sour it for you, so the best way to experiment is finding common ground, taking it easy and going from there. It gives you a good starting point to experiment, find your feet and gain confidence. You're under no pressure, which is important if you want to enjoy it and get into it.

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to crouchingtigress)

Post #: 16

RE: Seeking advice for a new FemDom. - 7/21/2009 5:06:29 AM

MsFlutter

Posts: 1305
Joined: 11/12/2008
From: East Coast
Status: offline

Before knowing and acting upon that knowledge, it is never a bad idea to refer back to the fundamental building blocks. Things have to come into focus in order to make them (or discard them as) components.

Provided below are three links to checklists - pick the one you see as most useful. At the very least, it will create opportunity to discuss likes/dislike/ideas. (It also helps if you're a bit at sea over what toys/implements to make/buy.)

http://latches.webslaves.com/checklist.htm

http://www.ehbc.ca/resources/checklist.php

http://www.soulshaven.f2s.com/newchecklist/printerfriendly.php3

_____________________________

'Dont torture yourself, Gomez darling. That's my job' Morticia Addams

"The right data, filtered through an idiot, can yield a bad answer." einstien5201

(in reply to LadyConstanze)

Post #: 17

RE: Seeking advice for a new FemDom. - 7/21/2009 5:10:57 AM

hardbodysub

Posts: 1654
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline

quote:

quote:

ORIGINAL: hardbodysub

All good points, but even if she is going to create a situation that focuses on her desires, it's still a good idea for her to find out what pushes his buttons. With that knowledge, it's a lot easier for her to influence him in the desired direction, manipulate him, wrap him around her finger. If she doesn't have that knowledge and use it to her advantage, she's wasting a very important source of power.

[edited to correct formatting]

All good stuff: FOR LATER.
If a man isn't patient enough to let a femdom first find her own confidence for her pleasure, he won't be seeing the benefits. It's a slippery slope once you get into "well if you know what pushes his buttons..." because all of that is a huge, menacing, glaring distraction. It's in her head. It's the "must do" list. It's the "what if I do it wrong?" list. All that self-talk undermines playfulness and the ability for a woman to enjoy the basic idea: control.

Knowing his hot buttons isn't about him seeing the benefits, it's about control. And if she saves all of that for later, there's a good chance she'll never get him to submit in the first place.

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 18

RE: Seeking advice for a new FemDom. - 7/21/2009 6:28:48 AM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mykaois

Hello,

While my bdsm knowledge is rather wide compared to the majority of the people I know, it's rather basic when it comes to the community itself. I generally find myself to be submissive, but I've been known to be a switcher. Moreso, my submissive knowledge is confined to the bedroom with my significant other who isn't labeled as my dom. And any other knowledge and experience I've gotten so far is photoshoot and modeling related (i.e. posture collar & shibari/bondage).

Anyway, I've been asked by a friend to be his femdom, and I have absolutely no idea where to start. This is a non-sexual relationship. I'm not quite sure what kind of orders to give, and he's pretty open to anything (which one would think would get the creative juices flowing but no...it doesn't help me on decision making).

So, I'm asking both sides to give me advice on what to do and how to act. I know what to expect, I know how to reward and punish, I just don't know how to start.

I hope this post makes sense...

And thanks in advance.

Control, objectification, humiliation.... and funishment.... Mutual adoration, and the happiness, well-being and fulfillment (or "self-realization") of myself and my slave. That's what my ownership is about.

We don't have a reward/punishment dynamic. Its not necessary, in order for us to achieve all of the above.

Gear your domination toward the needs and desires of yourself and your sub. Talk to him about this, at length. Explore, and have FUN!

(Edited for spelling)

< Message edited by dreamerdreaming -- 7/21/2009 6:33:50 AM >

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(in reply to Mykaois)

Post #: 19

RE: Seeking advice for a new FemDom. - 7/21/2009 8:57:24 AM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: hardbodysub

Knowing his hot buttons isn't about him seeing the benefits, it's about control. And if she saves all of that for later, there's a good chance she'll never get him to submit in the first place.

If the ONLY way she can get a man to submit is by relying on his hot buttons for control, she is better off without him! Domination is not about a sub getting his needs met on his terms. If a man wants to enjoy real power exchange, he has to be willing to compromise in the beginning for the larger payoff later -a more playful, confident and open minded domina. If he is so impatient that he wants his 'hot buttons' recognized and pushed that early on or else the submission will fall through, he's way too needy.

Using a man's hot buttons for added control or manipulation is "advanced domination." New femdoms need to be thinking about "beginning domination." The concept and ability to identify and use a man's fetishes for added control and *enjoy it* isn't something that can be grasped by someone new to domination without potential failure - or simply having a bad time.

Take a brand new femdom named "Jane." Without pressure, you tell her she needs to find out her man's hot buttons. She reports that they are CBT, strap ons and feet. How is having this information useful to her? I guarantee you her thought processes are, "CBT? Are you serious? What if I injure him? Strap on? EWW! in his asshole? GROSS!! And Feet? Ok maybe he can buy me shoes? Wait, he wants to kiss my feet? Ugh. Ok, well at least I can pretend to like it and watch tv." Is that the kind of femdom a guy wants? How can ANY of that information help her in any way, if she doesn't even know how to enjoy power on her OWN terms? How can any of that be anything but pressure, analyzing ("how do I do that? What if I do it wrong? How much do I do? How do I know when I am done? What if he thinks I am bad at it? What if I hurt him?") and ultimately a distraction?

If you say that having this information empowers her, you are wrong. For a new femdom, being harnessed with a man's expectations or hot buttons is just a burden and a distraction. Even if you get into "well here are some vague ideas of what turns him on," she has flipped her priorities: What turns HIM on. It is about what turns HER on. Subs have it all backwards! You can't have your cake and eat it too. If you want a woman who *honestly* gets off on kinky control, you need to have the patience to allow her to learn to enjoy the control part, HER fetishes first. Then she has the confidence to realize that it's possible to take a man's fetishes and use them as tools. But if she tries this BEFORE she enjoys domination, she's simply trying to measure up to his fantasies, and it's a stressful, unpleasant experience measured by how well she can "fake it" that she likes it. A sub may be fooled for some time, but ultimately will be in this boat:

"My girlfriend/wife likes to do S&M with me and she's great..but we don't do it very often and it's only when I ask for it. I think deep down she is doing it just for me. Help!"

BINGO.

Akasha

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(in reply to hardbodysub)

Post #: 20

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