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RE: Jealousy - 2/20/2006 11:09:49 PM

angelic

Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
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I have to ask you, seeing as you know that these are aspects of you and you are quite openly owning them...are you doing anything positive to try to change them....or are you just comfortable in having them? If you are comfortable in just having them and not trying to resolve them...do you think it's someone else's responsibility to deal with them or side step around them?
[/quote]

that's a very good question Ma'am... without sounding flip or rude... did i do anything postive to change them? yes... i left the one that fed off it...

was i comfortable feeling that way? no i absolutely hated it... it's a horrible awful feeling and it damn near ate me alive. i do not think it is someone else's responsibility to deal with them; however, i also do not think that, knowing i have this in my personality since i am very upfront, gives one an excuse to feed off and gain strength from...

i hope this answered Your question... i tried to answer it as honestly as i know how.

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 61

RE: Jealousy - 2/20/2006 11:11:23 PM

angelic

Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline

and damnit these quotes are still giving me a hell!

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci

(in reply to angelic)

Post #: 62

RE: Jealousy - 2/20/2006 11:16:41 PM

truesub4u

Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

He has an intolerance for bullshit. i learned that while opening the "bullshit bag" lol.

You need another lesson!!!!!

Your bullshit is going to get me in trouble again... lmao

I'm glad you seen what I was trying to point out there.. you' s a good girl.. now here's your treat!... LOL

_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 63

RE: Jealousy - 2/20/2006 11:19:15 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

that's a very good question Ma'am... without sounding flip or rude... did i do anything postive to change them? yes... i left the one that fed off it...

was i comfortable feeling that way? no i absolutely hated it... it's a horrible awful feeling and it damn near ate me alive. i do not think it is someone else's responsibility to deal with them; however, i also do not think that, knowing i have this in my personality since i am very upfront, gives one an excuse to feed off and gain strength from...

i hope this answered Your question... i tried to answer it as honestly as i know how.

First I have to laugh that you called me Ma'am...not an honorific I am very accustomed to...lol.

I am glad that you recognized what was happening there and got yourself out of it. You are also right in that no one should ever use a weakness to feed off and gain strength from.

What I would suggest to you...and I am NOT trying to talk down to you or tell you what to do....is that now that you are free of that situation, you may wish to give some real thought as to the roots of your jealous nature. No matter how much it seems to just be a part of your personality...no matter how powerless you may feel against it...what I am saying to you is that you DO have the power to change it. Learn where it is coming from and try to find the way to win the battle. Use a lot of self affirmation and boost your feelings of self worth and value. Self confidence is certainly a good cure for insecurity, self confidence is sexy.....and it will only be a plus when you are walking in to a new relationship.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to angelic)

Post #: 64

RE: Jealousy - 2/21/2006 12:20:13 AM

Vendaval

Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline

I am polyamorous, not monogamous, and also have boundaries with My partners.
IMO, a bit of harmless flirting is fun and builds self-confidence. If someone else checks out My partner(s), then I take that as a compliment in My good taste. I tell potential partners up front that I am protective of their well being and the relationship but not possessive or jealous. And I agree with Candy here about the predatory individuals
(male and female), who have power trips and intrude into other people's relationships.

Have I ever dismissed someone because of jealousy? Yes, when it became evident that
jealousy and possessiveness were basic personality traits for that submissive. I also ended a sexual relationship for the same reasons. Both of these particular men were very jealous and possessive towards Me and tried to use various girls and women to provoke a similar reaction. But that tactic backfired and I simplied turned cold, bored and
disinterested in their games.

I take the stance that jealousy and possessiveness are wasted emotions. Either someone is with Me or they are not. If they are not (shrugs) then it is, "There is the door, don't let it hit you in the ass on your way out"!

YMMV,

Vendaval

quote:

ORIGINAL: candystripper

i'm not sure i'd generalise that the emotion is always borne of insecurty or that it is always useless. i have boundaries, wanting and needing a monogamous relationship. A twinge, i might discuss. An avalance, i would probably leave; for only a major violation of our relationship would bring on such strong feelings. There is one exception i admit: the predatory female who wants your Man. In such circumstances, both parties should recognise she does not respect the relationship and divest themselves of her company....but insecurity does play a role. At least IMO.

candystripper

_____________________________

"Beware, the woods at night, beware the lunar light.
So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
"WOLF MOON", OCTOBER RUST, TYPE O NEGATIVE

http://KinkMeet.co.uk

(in reply to candystripper)

Post #: 65

RE: Jealousy - 2/21/2006 12:45:48 AM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline

it took a long time to understand what it truely means to be jealous. which is in a reaction to being hurt or trust broken. its a normal reaction to bad behavoir of one we are with or were with. i have never cheated on anyone in my life i have been cheated on more times then i like to think about. one time i kept that none jealous idea and got cheated on anyway to me its a defense mechenism after all my years and research its like your subconcious thought is saying this person is a bastard get out while you can. there is a ring of truth to this. women have this sixth sense to know with the line of spiritual essances has been broken with the parter your with they just know. i learned to harness this so yes i am judgemental if i sense you may cheat.. get the f away from me. i want pure soul and thought not a station wagon full of amusements for others pleasure no thank you. i try to encurage healthy relationships. so jealousy yeah its alll part of being human those that ignore it are going to get hurt by it those that head it may be saving them selfs a world of grief a once a cheater always one being poly or open just takes way from the bond process of being magical to one Because if you have to please many your not pleasing any but your own selfish agenda. here is the meanest thing i can say to such people learn what it is like to be alone in your later years cause you will be. theres a new tide of people comming up in bdsm and they want monogmy

(in reply to Vendaval)

Post #: 66

RE: Jealousy - 2/21/2006 5:12:14 AM

Chaingang

Posts: 1727
Joined: 10/24/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: amayos
...but I do not allow for it to be in great abundance in one who is serving me. Jealousy implies pride. It is the deeply humbled state I idealize.

I like what Amayos was getting at here. Herein is the golden part of the conversation in my view - the place where we mine the gold. But first, a definition:

...

jealous. adjective
1. Fearful or wary of being supplanted; apprehensive of losing affection or position.
2. a. Resentful or bitter in rivalry; envious: jealous of the success of others. b. Inclined to suspect rivalry.
3. Having to do with or arising from feelings of envy, apprehension, or bitterness: jealous thoughts.
4. Vigilant in guarding something: We are jealous of our good name.
5. Intolerant of disloyalty or infidelity; autocratic: a jealous God.

...

Personally I dislike people to exhibit overmuch of #s 1,2,3 type jealousies. If I have a sub exhibiting such jealousy I see it as her attempting to undermine my authority with an emotional plea or strategy - not that it will work, but I will find the attempts annoying and shut it down pronto. A lot of shutting it down goes to discuss how it undermines authority and simultaneously conveys a possible degree of mistrust. If a trust issue needs to be further clarified, so be it - but one doesn't want to feed into it as a demand for negative attention either so there is a limit to that. One thing I personally can't stand is the kind of "cattiness" that women sometimes exhibit toward one another - I don't mind someone pointing out the occasional strengths or weaknesses in another, but I can do without the envy. A woman should always think to her strengths and never mind those of another. If I value a woman it is for her strengths and beauty that I do so, so what does it matter to me what traits others may possess?

As a dominant man I think jealousies as described by #s 4 and 5 are useful. Certainly one guards one's reputation to a degree. I don't require that people like me, nor do I even care if they do really - but I don't care to be slandered unfairly. In general I try to behave in ways as to avoid anything that would encourage gossip about me. Certainly I am intolerant of disloyalty or infidelity. There are behaviors that make a relationship grow and I require those behaviors from someone that serves me. If they undermine the relationship with any behavior that undermines my authority or the continued growth of the relationship I consider it a disloyalty. So in this sense a jealous master is a good thing in my view. A woman cannot serve to masters, so I rule my house and mine is the final authority. I'll give a girl the last words in a conversation, she can say something like, "Yes, master."

< Message edited by Chaingang -- 2/21/2006 5:37:37 AM >

_____________________________

"Everything flows, nothing stands still." (Πάντα ῥεῖ καὶ οὐδὲν μένει) - Heraclitus

(in reply to amayos)

Post #: 67

RE: Jealousy - 2/21/2006 5:26:11 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

its a normal reaction to bad behavoir of one we are with or were with

While it may be a reaction for some...it is not a reaction in all. I would also not consider it "normal"....to say so would mean that those of us for who jealousy is not an issue are "abnormal".

quote:

one time i kept that none jealous idea and got cheated on anyway to me its a defense mechenism after all my years and research its like your subconcious thought is saying this person is a bastard get out while you can.

A person's jealousy or lack thereof does not dictate whether or not their partner is an untrustworthy cheater. You are also confusing jealousy with instinct and suspicion.

quote:

so jealousy yeah its alll part of being human those that ignore it are going to get hurt by it those that head it may be saving them selfs a world of grief a once a cheater always

While jealousy may be indeed a human trait, it is not one that some of us choose to have. You say once a cheater always a cheater...I believe you are probably very close to accurate with that statement. But, just because you are cheated on does not mean that you need to respond with jealousy. You could simply make a rational decision to extract yourself from the relationship with someone who is undeserving of trust.

quote:

one being poly or open just takes way from the bond process of being magical to one Because if you have to please many your not pleasing any but your own selfish agenda.

Well for starters, I think I will leave the "Magical" part of life to those who get paid to create it at Disney World. I think your statement is judgemental and speaks of a lack of understanding of poly relationships. Obviously poly is not right for you...but to call people who are poly selfish?

quote:

here is the meanest thing i can say to such people learn what it is like to be alone in your later years cause you will be. theres a new tide of people comming up in bdsm and they want monogmy

Not sure why you would feel a need to say something as "mean as you can" to anyone but.....being poly does not mean you will be alone in your later years...as a matter of fact it can mean that you will be surrounded by people who you love and who love you. As for the new tide of people coming up in bdsm...have they asked you to be their spokeperson?

< Message edited by mistoferin -- 2/21/2006 5:29:30 AM >

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)

Post #: 68

RE: Jealousy - 2/21/2006 5:44:08 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

People in this world can't "make" you jealous anymore than they can "make" you happy....those things come from within.

well said!!!

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 69

RE: Jealousy - 2/21/2006 5:51:02 AM

michaelGA

Posts: 1194
Status: offline

i tend to have frequent bouts of jealousy when on this site, on IRC or other sites, myself. i tend to hide it as best as i can, but it is there, below the surface. i tend to cover it up with jokes and laughter...as most bipolar/depressives tend to do when they do not wish their friends to know they are down.

_____________________________

Are we having fun, yet?

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 70

RE: Jealousy - 2/21/2006 6:21:08 AM

taliaTW

Posts: 27
Joined: 10/20/2005
Status: offline

Greetings,

quote:

being poly or open just takes way from the bond process of being magical to one Because if you have to please many your not pleasing any but your own selfish agenda

I am in a poly relationship. I know I have said this before. No one, no one, no one, gets 100% of what they need from one person. If you are in a sexually monogamous relationship, and I am not knocking it, as it is definitely what some people find that they must have, you will have to get some of the stuff you need in life, from other people. I believe that this is a fact.

Poly participants, in my opinion and experience, will feel some pang of jealousy at some time, but the feeling is not hidden but it is not exploited either.

The "magical bond" that you feel should exist between two people, can also exist between poly people. The only thing that takes away from that bond in a monogamous partnership, is the jealousy that is allowed to flourish when one of the partners becomes insecure or feels like they are not a whole person because someone else is admiring their possession.

I look at jealousy as possession. Some people are jealous because they perceive that someone is trying to take something that they believe belongs to them. We are humans, we possess the ability to rationalize and think. I definitely think we can learn to change ourselves, if we want to.

Just my thoughts,

talia

tali thanks her Master for His guidance, but mostly for His collar.

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)

Post #: 71

RE: Jealousy - 2/21/2006 6:24:13 AM

angelic

Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline

i really appreciate all the views on this subject.

What i will do differently in the future... (this is based on what i know about myself), when i do go into or start another relationship (M/s)... the first sign of Him trying to use my insecurities or (flaws) against me for His own purposes... i'm walking!

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci

(in reply to michaelGA)

Post #: 72

RE: Jealousy - 2/21/2006 6:34:18 AM

artglfr

Posts: 235
Joined: 4/8/2005
Status: offline

If you are feeling jealous and you have discussed it with Him and he ignores your feelings or worse plays on them and you are not feeling good about the relationship I would agree with others who ask "Why stay?"

(in reply to angelic)

Post #: 73

RE: Jealousy - 2/21/2006 6:39:59 AM

angelic

Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: artglfr

If you are feeling jealous and you have discussed it with Him and he ignores your feelings or worse plays on them and you are not feeling good about the relationship I would agree with others who ask "Why stay?"

i stayed for too damn long, with too damn many warning signs... and have no one to blame but myself for that. It was his fault for doing it in the beginning, but the final blame is squarely on me for staying and thinking i had to put up with it.

< Message edited by angelic -- 2/21/2006 6:41:42 AM >

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci

(in reply to artglfr)

Post #: 74

RE: Jealousy - 2/21/2006 7:01:40 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

People in this world can't "make" you jealous anymore than they can "make" you happy....those things come from within.

well said!!!

I agree here and will add that people can not "Make" you do anything. They can not make you jealous, happy, sad, angry, love or hate... These are all emotions and to feel or experience them you have to allow yourself to become jealous, happy, sad, angry, loving or hatefull. You and you alone are the only one who can allow youself these indulgences. I am not saying that others or circumstance does not create the situation in which you are most likely to allw your feeligs to take control but never blame others for your feelings. All these emotions are benificial to the human psyche in the right time and place and in the right amount and degree of intensity.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 75

RE: Jealousy - 2/21/2006 7:06:56 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

I agree here and will add that people can not "Make" you do anything. They can not make you jealous, happy, sad, angry, love or hate... These are all emotions and to feel or experience them you have to allow yourself to become jealous, happy, sad, angry, loving or hatefull. You and you alone are the only one who can allow youself these indulgences. I am not saying that others or circumstance does not create the situation in which you are most likely to allw your feeligs to take control but never blame others for your feelings. All these emotions are benificial to the human psyche in the right time and place and in the right amount and degree of intensity.

Thank you IronBear. You explained very well exactly what I meant when I said that we need to own and be personally responsible for our feelings. We can't "blame" them on anyone else for no one has that kind of power. I just couldn't really find the words to give the same kind of understanding you just did.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 76

RE: Jealousy - 2/21/2006 7:23:46 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

My pleasure treasure.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 77

RE: Jealousy - 2/21/2006 7:34:21 AM

angelic

Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

People in this world can't "make" you jealous anymore than they can "make" you happy....those things come from within.

well said!!!

I agree here and will add that people can not "Make" you do anything. They can not make you jealous, happy, sad, angry, love or hate... These are all emotions and to feel or experience them you have to allow yourself to become jealous, happy, sad, angry, loving or hatefull. You and you alone are the only one who can allow youself these indulgences. I am not saying that others or circumstance does not create the situation in which you are most likely to allw your feeligs to take control but never blame others for your feelings. All these emotions are benificial to the human psyche in the right time and place and in the right amount and degree of intensity.

First and foremost i have the utmost respect for You IronBear and you erin... i very much appreciate Bboth of Yyour words and have taken them to heart. Playing devil's advocate here for a moment tho:

When i give of myself, because of who i am, it is 100% the body, the mind, the emotions... so in that context One absolutely can "make" me feel or do things.. that is why He is my One... i do not give just 80% and then say 'whoops' nope that part of me You cannot have. it is 100% or not at all. (i hope i am making sense here).

The original concern here was that Another was being told to summarily dismissed His/Her's because of jealousy... my first reaction was 'wait a minute'!! First, WHY was this person having these feelings, where did they come from? Of course it was insecurity, but why did this person feel insecure to begin with? Not knowing the whole dynamic of that particular relationship, i was disturbed that instead of suggestions that One find out where the insecurities were coming from, it was suggested 'drop this person'. i guess maybe it's the bleeding heart in me ;)

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci

(in reply to IronBear)

Post #: 78

RE: Jealousy - 2/21/2006 7:37:55 AM

ExistentialSteel

Posts: 676
Joined: 1/18/2005
Status: offline

Well, I once had a jealous woman who always said I was messing around. She was right.

_____________________________

For those who are like Roman Candles leaving bright trails in the night sky while the crowd watches until the dark blue center light bursts into magnificent colors and the crowd goes, ahhhhhhhhhh.

(in reply to angelic)

Post #: 79

RE: Jealousy - 2/21/2006 7:42:14 AM

angelic

Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExistentialSteel

Well, I once had a jealous woman who always said I was messing around. She was right.

ok.. maybe an inappropriate response to this but i read this and i BUSTED out laughing... gads You're not my 'x' are You?

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci

(in reply to ExistentialSteel)

Post #: 80

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