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Abuse = BDSM - 5/9/2007 1:21:45 AM   
MissOchistic


Posts: 315
Joined: 4/30/2007
Status: offline 		i need to leave my husband.

He is emotionally neglectful and physically abusive. Him being in the military and us having been married a short time, i already have enough worries about being stranded in Asia with no money, not even enough to get back home. I tried to speak to his commanders, who would be able to make him give me at least enough to survive on, only to discover that every one of them seems to be his friend....many of them have come over for dinner or go drinking with him. i'm not going to get any help there....as for a court...

my problem, and how this is BDSm related, is he calls his physical abuse BDSM. We experimented a long while back, and almost immediately stopped...it just wasn't fit between us.  Now he will fairly randomly beat the crap out of me and force me into sex, and even though i have made it clear it is neither safe nor consensual, since when we did experiment we did not use a safeword he calls it "Domming" and i know if i were to bring this into a court, he would call it consensual S&M play. it comes down to his word against mine.

so i wonder, have any of you ever been in any situation during a divorce or abuse claims where they used BDSM as an excuse? i' don't know whether to even bring up his abuse because of this, even though i know it would win me what i deserve as far as getting me back on my feet...i have about $120 cash and a freind's floor to sleep on for a short time if i can get back to the US. i know the courts in San Diego won't believe me, i had an assault happen in August and he told the police "i liked it rough", because i had told him abotu my BDSM lifestyle, and they dropped my case and believed him immediately. i can't confront my husband yet because i have a plane trip he paid for in a month that i might be able to get a flight to the US from, but he is using it as blackmail that he'll cancel the tickets if i don't do what he says.

so does anyone have any advice? if more details would help i can give them, but it's all so complicated i'm trying to minimize it... i'm just in such shit. how does the law look at a BDSM lifestyle in a divorce? do i have a chance in hell of them believing, "Sure, i'm a slave, but not for him, that wasn't consensual"?




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"Submission is a potlatch."
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RE: Abuse = BDSM - 5/9/2007 1:38:21 AM   
BondageTopJere


Posts: 170
Joined: 8/22/2006
Status: offline 		If this has progressed to where he is physically abusing you and is now blackmailing you as well, skip the entire military structure and get ahold of a civilian SAVI advocate immediately. If there is not one that you know of, get a  hold of whatever civilian investigative service the branch of the military he's in. NCIS if he's Marines or Navy, don't know about the other branches.  Once they get involved, even high ranking officer's start getting very nervous and will give full co-operation into whatever investigation they deem fit.

As for the divorce, I'll let others deal with that, as I have no firsthand experience. 

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RE: Abuse = BDSM - 5/9/2007 1:48:02 AM   
BondageTopJere


Posts: 170
Joined: 8/22/2006
Status: offline 		As for how to actually survive this, as a military spouse your entitled to free legal represantation. The quickest way of getting it is going to be probably the hardest at least emotionally.  If he's abused you fairly recently, go to the doctor and have them document it with a full exam, tell them its the result of abuse, and you should get a lawyer in fairly short order.

The damning thing about most abuse that I've heard fom others, is that oftentimes most people won't believe what they're seeing until you smack them in the face with it. Little tells won't work, subtle hints won't work.  Once you "shock" a few into believing you, most, but not all, of your concerns of people writing if off as BDSM related should disappear. 

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RE: Abuse = BDSM - 5/9/2007 1:52:01 AM   
Domin8tingUrDrmz


Posts: 1269
Joined: 4/8/2006
From: Portland Metro, Oregon
Status: offline 		The law does not consider assault a consensual activity (even if it is done in the name of BDSM).  Some officer's might, but, legally, they are supposed to protect the person who is claiming abuse and uphold the law.  Once you claim abuse, or rape, it is no longer consensual - regardless of whether or not it was previously.  If an officer does not believe you, then get his name and badge number and inform him you intend to contact his supervisor if he is not more helpful; then do so if necessary.  If his supervisor isn't cooperative, be sure to get his name and continue up the chain until you find someone who will help you, even if that includes a higher ranking government official.

I understand that you are in Asia, and I do not know how their government would react to such a claim, but you could always seek out the help of the US Embassy if necessary.  Seek out legal assistance from person's specializing in abuse cases, or victim's rights advocates, I would presume these people are likely to be somewhat familiar with claims of consensual violence and could advise you further in your rights and options.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you are able to break free from the abusive situation you are in.

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RE: Abuse = BDSM - 5/9/2007 2:04:30 AM   
Copulo


Posts: 268
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline 		Hi Miss Ochistic

This is not good to read.
He is excusing his own guilt with what he considers to be your weakness. Of course it is himself that is weak but that statement does not help you any right now.
The one thing I noticed was, on your signature strip at the end of you post you still have the words, ‘ Property of JanusSilverlock’ Im not sure if this is the man in question or someone else ?

You know that a dominant man in your life would give you confidence, help you grow as a person and make you shine. All this man is doing is making you wretched. He is no more dominant than he is a mouse, he is domineering and there is a huge difference.

A close friend of mine is going through something very similar to you right now and sadly I think this is more common than we would like to think. She has spent years trying to convince herself that he is her dominant but has now reached a stage where she is a mental and physical wreck.

You know what you have to do Ochistic, you recognise what this man is really about and to understand that is a huge hurdle in itself. You are half way there, keep that in mind. Now you need to make your move and get out and although that may seem frightening, it is only frightening if you continually use the words ‘yes but’ and ‘what if’.
You must warn the police. Tell them that you like it rough but that roughness has turned to bullying and abuse. Tell them what you are about to do and tell them you are frightened and wish them to take note of your situation. You have a right to protection. It sounds as though he is clever and manipulative, that he prepares his ambush well. You must do the same Ochistic.

I wish you well and hope so much that you sort this out

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RE: Abuse = BDSM - 5/9/2007 2:18:35 AM   
MissOchistic


Posts: 315
Joined: 4/30/2007
Status: offline 		Oh, no no no....Janus is not my husband....i really hope this doesn't turn into a flame, but no, Janus us my Master, my husband is not in the BDSM scene and i am not slave to him...i don't want to be with my husband and never should have let him convince me to marry him.

i've been thinking about family advocay center here, but i guess somewhere in me i have some reservations about totally ruining his military career, i don't want that, and that's what happens with FA. i know this is at least partly my fault and i don't want him to get too hurt, i just want out...

i can't use the military system because that's just wrong of me, but i'm just needing more info about state courts and whether they'll get my situation with the lifestyle or whether i'll be dumped on my ass with nothing...Master is not in a position to help me, and i wouldn't ask him to go to such lengths anyways.




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"The amount i care for Thee
is more than two, but less than three."

"Submission is a potlatch."

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RE: Abuse = BDSM - 5/9/2007 2:25:27 AM   
godless13513


Posts: 12
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Just as a general FYI - most laws say that abuse is abuse (actually, 'assault is assault') even if it is consensual (because it is generally ilegal to agree to a crime - kinda like assisted suicide is still murder under the law).   It's usually not 'investigated' in the context of BDSM-ers because there is no 'probable cause.'  However, if you go to them, the probable cause is there.  Also, unless you are from a few specific states, there isn't a huge reason that is needed for a divorce - usually 'non-compatibility' is the reason offered, and that's 'good enough.'  However, if you are in an unsafe situation, you need to leave it, and the safest way would be through the US Embassy, probably.  Then once you are in the states you can start seeking various organizations - safehouses, victim protection, etc, etc.

Be well

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RE: Abuse = BDSM - 5/9/2007 2:33:32 AM   
MissOchistic


Posts: 315
Joined: 4/30/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: godless13513

Just as a general FYI - most laws say that abuse is abuse (actually, 'assault is assault') even if it is consensual (because it is generally ilegal to agree to a crime - kinda like assisted suicide is still murder under the law).   It's usually not 'investigated' in the context of BDSM-ers because there is no 'probable cause.'  However, if you go to them, the probable cause is there.  Also, unless you are from a few specific states, there isn't a huge reason that is needed for a divorce - usually 'non-compatibility' is the reason offered, and that's 'good enough.'  However, if you are in an unsafe situation, you need to leave it, and the safest way would be through the US Embassy, probably.  Then once you are in the states you can start seeking various organizations - safehouses, victim protection, etc, etc.

Be well


i don't think i need victim protection...i'm not worried that he'll come after me. it's that i have nothing...and apparently he will only be required to help me at all financially if i find fault, which i know i have, but i dont think theyll believe me..i guess i just need to suck it up and risk that. because toherwise i have no money and no home, and no way to get back to the US even. its just like the reason i married him, because otherwise i thought i would be alone and have no where to go if i left him, and now i'm 10 times worse off.




_____________________________



"The amount i care for Thee
is more than two, but less than three."

"Submission is a potlatch."

(in reply to godless13513)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Abuse = BDSM - 5/9/2007 2:43:29 AM   
canupleaseme


Posts: 775
Joined: 7/9/2006
Status: offline 		No means No regardless of your sexual prefrences relating to bdsm.

I was in a violent marraige although he wasnt in the army and didnt have any bdsm factors in our relationship he was just a nasty little worm.  I am sorry you are going through this, its an awful place to be in.  i suggest as people have already mentioned going to civilian police rather than military police.  While it is wrong that they would cover their own it does happen.  Although the previous assault was dropped it will still be on file.  And whilst its your word against his you are still saying no and not agreeing to his behaviour.  He is indeed a stupid silly man and is hiding behind the whole bdsm thing because he knows what he is doing is wrong.

Have you made your family aware of this situation? Does your master know?  Surely between them they could get you an airplane ticket out of there?  I know when this is happening to you you cant possibly comprehend how it will be ok or how you will be ok .
My husband beat me daily for 8 years and i never told a soul I was ashamed and scared and didnt know how I owuld cope and when i left him and took our child I left with nothing at all.  I caught a train and dodged the fare and got the hell out of there.  I had friends sorting me out a place to stay without him knowing and I took photos of every injury he ever caused me and kept them in a file.  He threatened me with alsorts and said noone would ever believe me becasue I hadnt ever told anyone before.  He got the biggest shock of his life when I showed people what he had done to me.

Your situation sounds very complicated, does your master offer you any advice can he help at all?
Have you searched on google for local womens refuge's? There are i believe organisations for women involved with military men and are in abusive relationships that will rehome you saftley and give you the emotional support you need.

When it comes to divorce, I never sited his behaviour in it I didnt want my immediate family to know what had been happening and I sited unreasonable behaviour.  If he doesnt agree to a divorce you can take it to the courts.  Noone can make you stay with him babe and noone can deny you your freedom except yourself .  It took me a long time to realise that he could only hurt me if I let him.

You know he isnt just being a dominant,  You know what he is doing to you is so wrong and you can get out of it even though it may seem so hopeless at times.

Regardless of the whole bdsm factor in this and yes it does complicate things a bit.  You are still lnot consenting if he is forcing you to have sex and you are saying no its rape if he is beating you and its not an agreed part of your relationship its wrong and he can argue till he is blue in the face that he is your master etc but when it comes down to it he isnt and you dont need to take this.

I hope you find the strngth in yourself to leave him soon honey, and if you need a chat on the other side please messageme

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RE: Abuse = BDSM - 5/9/2007 2:53:09 AM   
MissOchistic


Posts: 315
Joined: 4/30/2007
Status: offline 		The previous assault was not by my husband....which is another reason i worry they'll just dismiss me....even to me it just sounds so unbelievable and crazy. i can't deal with civilian police here in Korea...i wouldn't even know where to begin, and besides, they just hand it over to the military.

i don't want my family to be in this....my mother....after that last thing, she said things to me like 'well, told you so' and "boys will be boys"...i just can't deal with her. the family i am really close to are my in laws, and i know i will lose them if i go through with this. and of course Master knows, and is a wonderful friend to me, but He is not in a position to help.

to be fair, i don't know why "levels" really matter, but he is not beating me senseless or anything.....i have dealt with much worse...and it's not everydays, it's just...random...he'll just grab me or my hair and last night he slammed my head into the counter a few times. mostly he bruises my scalp by pulling ut hair and he loves twisting my arms and hurting my hands, but it's never anything that lasts more than a day or leaves a mark, so i really have no proof.


_____________________________



"The amount i care for Thee
is more than two, but less than three."

"Submission is a potlatch."

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RE: Abuse = BDSM - 5/9/2007 3:14:24 AM   
Domin8tingUrDrmz


Posts: 1269
Joined: 4/8/2006
From: Portland Metro, Oregon
Status: offline 		When you are able to get back to the states, most states are now "no fault" states when it comes to divorce and do not require you to furnish proof of abuse in order to receive spousal support.  Be sure to locate to a state that will offer spousal support without such requirements (most operate that way these days, just look into it before settling in). 

Contact the US Embassy or US Consulate to see if they can assist you in getting back over here.  Do not focus on believability or needing proof, it usually is not necessary.  Keep seeking help until you find someone who will listen.  It can take some time, but keep at it.  In the mean time if he injures your scalp again - go to a doctor.  Have the doctor feel the lumps and have him make note of them, heck, insist on a MRI or a catscan (I'm not familiar with what procedure examines the brain for damage - perhaps someone else here in these forums knows which procedure I mean).  Slamming your head into a counter can cause serious brain damage and can be fatal.  Leave as soon as you possibly can.  Do not believe that there are okay levels of abuse - no abuse is okay, at all, ever.  You need to find your inner strength and courage to leave.  That simple.  The longer you stay the worse it will become.  Worry about everything else after you get to a safer location, where you have the chance to think rationally, without the fear of what he is going to do next.

Good luck.

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RE: Abuse = BDSM - 5/9/2007 3:37:04 AM   
Copulo


Posts: 268
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline 		I can feel your desperation here and your frustration at not knowing which way to turn. I can well understand that you do not want your husband outed and the whole mess that goes with that. You need to get out of this situation with as minimum mess as possible but without money that prospect looks almost impossible.
Its not.
There are things you can do where your discretion will be totally respected. For a start go to your doctors. Explain to your doctor about what he is doing. Let them take notes and put them on file, you may need those notes at a later date, you may not ever need them but they are your safety net if need be.
I agree about going to a woman’s refuge but obviously you can’t do that till you get home. You need sanctuary right now and you do not have the finances to just move on. A woman’s refuge will protect you without demanding that you report your husband but getting into a refuge will be far easier if you have medical notes.

Take some deep breaths, think positive and make plans.

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RE: Abuse = BDSM - 5/9/2007 3:43:57 AM   
MissOchistic


Posts: 315
Joined: 4/30/2007
Status: offline 		on the slightly humourous side...what the hell do i tell the doctor? "I ran my hair into a doorknob"? ....comign to terms with this is......just...

thanks, everyone, for the advice and the help...


_____________________________



"The amount i care for Thee
is more than two, but less than three."

"Submission is a potlatch."

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RE: Abuse = BDSM - 5/9/2007 3:49:43 AM   
Domin8tingUrDrmz


Posts: 1269
Joined: 4/8/2006
From: Portland Metro, Oregon
Status: offline 		No.  You tell your doctor the truth.  You do not need to go into details regarding BDSM or any kink related information, simply inform him that your husband did this to you.  Let that be on record.

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RE: Abuse = BDSM - 5/9/2007 3:56:04 AM   
farieanne


Posts: 65
Joined: 2/24/2007
From: Las Vegas
Status: offline 		Hi,

Let me first say i am sorry you are going through this specialy at such a young age. i do understand. Now, i know you do not want to mess with his career and that is comendable. i am also not sure what branch he is in but i don't think it really matters. Let me say this if you go to your Ombudsman or the Fleet and family service center and tell them what is happening They can help you and it will not mean the end of his career. Yes, he will be made to go to counceling and maybe anger managment but it will not be the end of his career. They will make sure you get back home and have money to get set up and live on at leat untill the divorce is final and maybe longer depending on your situation.

Military men are not held by the same acounts as civilians. in the Military it does not matter the state or country you are in, BDSM or not it is NOT allowed. So he can claim BDSM all he wants but in the military it will make no diffrence at all. As a metter of fact let Him say it, it will just mean he is admitting to hitting you. As far as i can see this is your only chance and you HAVE to put you and your saftey before him or his career. i hope this helps.

Master Peter's

< Message edited by farieanne -- 5/9/2007 3:57:38 AM >

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RE: Abuse = BDSM - 5/9/2007 4:01:11 AM   
WhiplashSmile


Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline 		OK.. I think I just choked on my coffee this morning reading this... WTF.. Abuse is Abuse!  This upsets me to no end.  

In terms of making it back to the states, do you have any family, friends or relatives that can help with your airfare.  Hell, perhaps your Master can help.  Perhaps with a combination of Help from a couple of people.

You need to remove yourself from the situation.  In short get the fuck out as soon as you can.  Get to the states, see an attorney and file for divorce on the grounds of anything or everything you can.

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RE: Abuse = BDSM - 5/9/2007 4:08:32 AM   
Copulo


Posts: 268
Joined: 5/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissOchistic

on the slightly humourous side...what the hell do i tell the doctor? "I ran my hair into a doorknob"? ....comign to terms with this is......just...

thanks, everyone, for the advice and the help...


Why would you tell your doctor that you have run your head into a door knob ? the whole point of going to a doctor is so he can take and keep reported case notes of physical and mental abuse.
You asked for advice and people are giving there time to give you that advice. You can do one of three things now

Listen and use the information you have to move on

Continue as you are

Find your own solution

Good luck


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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Abuse = BDSM - 5/9/2007 4:11:12 AM   
WhiplashSmile


Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissOchistic

on the slightly humourous side...what the hell do i tell the doctor? "I ran my hair into a doorknob"? ....comign to terms with this is......just...

thanks, everyone, for the advice and the help...


Oh Hell, be open and honest with the Doctors about what is going on.  This way there is a medical report of what is going on.  I'm not certain about how things are handled overseas where you are at, many times a Doctor will help you in reporting abuse to the proper authorities, and get people involved that will help you out of the situtation.   The one thing that will hold you back from taking action is Fear.  Fear for yourself and Fear of messing up his career. These things are all based on fears.   Look he's being abusive towards you, you need to understand that he does not truely care about you.  Why the hell should you care about what the hell happens to him.  He is a big boy and should be held responsible for his own actions.   You did not make him beat you.   Your BDSM lifestyle choice is not a reason for him to be abusive towards you.  BDSM does not equal Abuse.. nor does Abuse = BDSM.    He's just playing upon this to use as an excuse. 

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RE: Abuse = BDSM - 5/9/2007 4:13:08 AM   
weakling22


Posts: 5
Joined: 7/8/2004
From: Singapore
Status: offline 		You just need to find a job and a better man. If he abuses you, he isn't worth it. Not at all.

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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Abuse = BDSM - 5/9/2007 6:18:25 AM   
earthycouple


Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline 		Um...it's not you ruining his career...he made the choice to abuse you.  He made the choice to ruin his career.  This is a no brainer and there is no backtracking out of it.  NO MATTER WHAT THE SURROUNDING ISSUES if he is abusive get the hell out before he kills you.  Don't second guess, don't stick up  for him, don't say but but but.  just get out and get out now.


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