AAkasha
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Joined: 11/27/2004
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Emmmrld
My best friend is divorced now. She met her ex husband at a play party and it was instant chemistry. He was dom, she was sub. Their kinks were the same. Their story sounded like something you'd see in a movie.
They were engaged to be married when she turned out to be that 1% that gets pregnant on the pill. So they just eloped. Happy, she thought. They had a leather business out of their home, she was married, going to have a family, and he was kinky.
She was shocked to find he was hiding the mail from her. Mail from her grandparents, bills etc. His 'excuse' was that he was the Dom and he should be in control of everything. He was in charge of the finances. If she ever had cash on her he would take it from her. At some point she realized that this wasn't 'right'. She had no idea if the bills where paid, or how much was in the account to buy stuff for the baby.
She and I would talk about her leaving him. She was hiding money and actually was planning on it when she caught him throwing out a big box of mail one day. Mail for the past 6 months he'd been hiding. He wasn't paying the bills. She decided to stay and try to work it out.
A month after that the police arrived at her house one morning to take him into custody. He was wanted for over $10,000 in check fraud. He was writing checks on a closed account. At that point she decided to leave him. He pulled every victimizing trick in the book to get her to stay. He spent a year away. What also came out in all that was that he had priors of the same nature but on a national level. She didn't know anything about it.
Here she had a baby, no income, bills so backed up that electricity and water were going to be shut off. On top of it all at one point he had her sign a couple of checks because he had forgotten his ID so she signed them. The DA had a case pending against her. Now that would mean their baby would go to CPS. She made a deal so they wouldn't bring charges.
He came back after time served. She proceeded with the divorce. He tried to stop her at every turn. Trying to be a good parent she wouldn't talk badly about him infront of their child. They shared custody.
Well it wasn't long until he was up to no good again. This time he took their daughter's social security number to open credit accounts to start a leather business. Six months after that she discovered that he had been molesting their daughter. In addition to the molestation charges he has more check fraud charges wiating to be tried for after the molestation charges.
Her view point is that had she done a background check on him she would have known he had a record and could have made a decision to proceed or not from there. She wouldn't have taken the realtionship further had she known of his previous check fraud charges. Her opinion is that if you are in a committed relationship that is heading some place you should do a background check on him. She also feels that you should be up front about it and offer your information as well.
So my questions to you folks are:
What do you think of background checks?
Do you think that they are needed in "dating" today?
When do you think it is a good idea to do such at thing?
If you wouldn't do a background check why?
Emerald :)
The same thing can happen in vanilla relationships.
I think spending an adequate amount of time with someone is the way you start seeing the skeletons in the closet if there are any. You see how a person treats his friends and family. You see what parts of their past are catching up. You see how they react in a time of crisis. If you don't take time, you are taking risks.
Also, a lot of people in those early stages of lust an infatuation wouldn't be swayed by a background check anyway. So the guy admits yeah -- he had a problem. But it's all in the past. Excuses, excuses. Plenty of people would just say ohh -- ok, he's changed. Still doesn't mean anything.
I think the only way you can really know a person is to know them. Spend time together and see what kind of a past he has. That's another big problem with online relationships that seem to be GREAT online and on the phone -- almost magical. You think you know someone SO WELL because you havec 5 or 6 hour phone calls and talk about EVERYTHING. But the big, huge piece of the puzzle that is missing is real life chemistry -- and even more importantly -- how does this person relate to others in a group? How does he treat his mother? How does he treat his family? How does he act in a group of 10 people who are obnoxious? How does he react when the car breaks down in the middle of the night? How does he treat a homeless person? How does he respond to a child selling cookies at his front door? What does his best friend say about him? Who are his friends? Does he have friends?
No matter how magical someone can seem up front, there's always much more.
Akasha
(who had an online relationship 3 yrs and married 3 months after meeting in real life -- magically).
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