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i deserve scorn - 6/9/2007 2:40:15 PM   
kirby104


Posts: 94
Joined: 6/6/2005
Status: offline 		At the point where I was unable to even think clearly, I was despairingly frightened. I didn't seem to be worthy or helpful. I REMOVED MY OWN COLLAR. In this lifestyle, it is damnation.

I will pay for the rest of my life for this.

Any personal issues aside. I completely failed at service.

I failed two loving people because of my fears and insecurities.

I lost their trust.and their love.

I did not know how to serve. I'm sorry.

The world should know of my ways, and I warn them of people like me.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: i deserve scorn - 6/9/2007 2:47:05 PM   
Sinergy


Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kirby104

At the point where I was unable to even think clearly, I was despairingly frightened. I didn't seem to be worthy or helpful. I REMOVED MY OWN COLLAR. In this lifestyle, it is damnation.

I will pay for the rest of my life for this.

Any personal issues aside. I completely failed at service.

I failed two loving people because of my fears and insecurities.

I lost their trust.and their love.

I did not know how to serve. I'm sorry.

The world should know of my ways, and I warn them of people like me.



How can duct tape solve this problem?

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle


(in reply to kirby104)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: i deserve scorn - 6/9/2007 2:48:50 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kirby104

At the point where I was unable to even think clearly, I was despairingly frightened. I didn't seem to be worthy or helpful. I REMOVED MY OWN COLLAR. In this lifestyle, it is damnation.

I will pay for the rest of my life for this.

Any personal issues aside. I completely failed at service.

I failed two loving people because of my fears and insecurities.

I lost their trust.and their love.

I did not know how to serve. I'm sorry.

The world should know of my ways, and I warn them of people like me.
OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!  Get the tar and feathers! 
 
You're not damned and you shouldn't pay for the rest of your life.  Geez, chill out a bit and lay down the martyrdom. You say you were frightened and that you don't know how to serve.  That isn't punishable by death, ya know?  I'm not so sure the world needs to be warned about you but you definitely need to quit being so dramatic and hard on yourself.  So, you were collared to a couple and you took off your collar and left.  Not the best way of handling things, for sure, but you haven't committed some unforgivable sin.  Calm down, write a post with more details if you feel like doing so, and perhaps friendly folks will happen by and help you talk through this.  Or, maybe some mean folks will happen by and convince you to jump off a bridge.  Either way, it'll help to get it off your chest, won't it?  Seriously....sorry you feel so low.  It'll get better.  It always does................slave luci 


< Message edited by slaveluci -- 6/9/2007 2:50:59 PM >

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to kirby104)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: i deserve scorn - 6/9/2007 2:51:47 PM   
velvetears


Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline 		There's no question asked so i won't offer advice.  Good luck and hope you feel better about everything soon.

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to Sinergy)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: i deserve scorn - 6/9/2007 2:56:08 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kirby104

At the point where I was unable to even think clearly, I was despairingly frightened. I didn't seem to be worthy or helpful. I REMOVED MY OWN COLLAR. In this lifestyle, it is damnation.

I will pay for the rest of my life for this.

Any personal issues aside. I completely failed at service.

I failed two loving people because of my fears and insecurities.

I lost their trust.and their love.

I did not know how to serve. I'm sorry.

The world should know of my ways, and I warn them of people like me.



Uh huh...

Ya realize for some folks removing your own collar isn't all that big a deal. Depends on why you took it off.

Either way, learn from it and move on.

Unless you posted this in hopes of getting a cyber-spanking to feed your humilation fetish. In that case *insert what punishment gets your rocks off here*

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to kirby104)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: i deserve scorn - 6/9/2007 2:57:43 PM   
softness


Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kirby104

At the point where I was unable to even think clearly, I was despairingly frightened. I didn't seem to be worthy or helpful. I REMOVED MY OWN COLLAR. In this lifestyle, it is damnation.



this is either a cry for help or a cry for attention

If you seriously believe that an action committed under circumstances where you are terrified, unable to think clearly can damn you forever then you need to readjust your thinking, or readjust who you serve other wise honey ... you're screwed. I

If you are put into extreme situations then the person who puts you there should expect extreme reactions, or they need to train you to react differently.

just my opinion obviously

_____________________________

proudly wearing the blue collar of consideration to DK Leather, Leatherdykeuk, and LeatherEagle of the UK KRueL Leather Family

veritas, respectus honorque in corio





(in reply to kirby104)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: i deserve scorn - 6/9/2007 3:00:54 PM   
imthatacheyouhav


Posts: 1259
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline 		Less drama...and more thinking...i TOTALLY understand the freak out stage of things...now that its over....just think about how this can benefit you by being a good life lesson...if you need to apologize for any bad behavior then i recommend doing that for YOU and them. i  am sorry you are hurting...i know it sucks...just think this through now and you'll be fine....

_____________________________

*if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything*
**collared July 22 2007 by LordKen**

(in reply to AquaticSub)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: i deserve scorn - 6/9/2007 3:01:52 PM   
kirby104


Posts: 94
Joined: 6/6/2005
Status: offline 		So, i am a drama queen, but I want to be pleasing. I never felt pleasing.
I want to learn to serve correctly. Should I be shamed that I don't know how to serve? I though that if I was submissive, it would be right. I was terribly wrong.
Does my lack of knowledge negate my submissiveness?

Is there any possible way to learn or am I fooling myself?

(in reply to kirby104)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: i deserve scorn - 6/9/2007 3:04:19 PM   
imthatacheyouhav


Posts: 1259
Joined: 4/16/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kirby104

So, i am a drama queen, but I want to be pleasing. I never felt pleasing.
I want to learn to serve correctly. Should I be shamed that I don't know how to serve? I though that if I was submissive, it would be right. I was terribly wrong.
Does my lack of knowledge negate my submissiveness?

Is there any possible way to learn or am I fooling myself?

Ok, were you told that you were not serving correctly? and if you were why would you being told you aren't serving correctly cause you to take off your collar?


_____________________________

*if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything*
**collared July 22 2007 by LordKen**

(in reply to kirby104)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: i deserve scorn - 6/9/2007 3:07:30 PM   
Sinergy


Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kirby104

So, i am a drama queen, but I want to be pleasing. I never felt pleasing.
I want to learn to serve correctly. Should I be shamed that I don't know how to serve? I though that if I was submissive, it would be right. I was terribly wrong.
Does my lack of knowledge negate my submissiveness?

Is there any possible way to learn or am I fooling myself?


Since you asked.

Scorn and shame will not change anything.  It is backward looking and masturbatory.

Your future starts right now.  The question is whether you are willing to actually make changes in your
life to do something about it, or whether you prefer to wallow in the pity party of your heinous crime.

What I would suggest is talking to your Dominant about what you did, why you did it, and what to do about
it, and see if He/She/It has a suggestion.  If it is a case where said individual wants nothing to do with you, I would
say accept the consequences of your actions and work to learn how not to do it again.

Coming on to an anonymous message board and posting something to a thread entitled "I deserve scorn" and
then being upset when you get teased by it seems like some sort of weird attempt to engage in whatever this kink is non-consensually.

Everybody makes mistakes.  Everybody has issues.  Everybody has emotional reactions.

It is what you do with the future that matters, not wallowing in the past.

Good luck!

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle


(in reply to kirby104)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: i deserve scorn - 6/9/2007 3:07:38 PM   
softness


Posts: 2918
Joined: 8/1/2006
From: Leeds, UK
Status: offline 		STOP WITH THE DRAMA

first thing i *really* learned about service was the need to be calm and pleasing ... think about what it is to BE pleasing .. not doing pleasing things but being a pleasing person.

I learned that wailing, self indulgence and the ego-centric nature of self flagellation ... was extremely displeasing.



_____________________________

proudly wearing the blue collar of consideration to DK Leather, Leatherdykeuk, and LeatherEagle of the UK KRueL Leather Family

veritas, respectus honorque in corio





(in reply to kirby104)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: i deserve scorn - 6/9/2007 3:09:27 PM   
Griswold


Posts: 2739
Joined: 2/12/2007
Status: offline
quote:



How can duct tape solve this problem?

Sinergy


(I'm with that)

(in reply to Sinergy)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: i deserve scorn - 6/9/2007 3:17:06 PM   
octavia


Posts: 377
Joined: 5/20/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kirby104

... I didn't seem to be worthy or helpful. I REMOVED MY OWN COLLAR.
...



Hey wanna sell it?  Those things damn sexy and I don't got one yet.

Ok ok.. all joking aside, Im with the majority here, calm down.  And hell yes there is a way to learn how to do things better.  At least there better be, or Im screwed.   The whole point of training would be to teach.. teaching just naturally induces learning.  All is well and maybe just maybe, you are right where you are supposed to be in your process.


Cheers!
octavia

(in reply to kirby104)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: i deserve scorn - 6/9/2007 3:33:33 PM   
WhiplashSmile


Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline 		Do you feel you failed yourself, or just these two people?  We are all human, at times we simply fail to meet the expectations of other people.  Perhaps the greatest failure is when we fail ourselves.

Perhaps you were trying hard to be something you are not. Face it, you simply might not be the submissive slave you thought you were.  Perhaps you are really a switch, I see on your profile you have listed yourself as a Dominant.

First and foremost, if you are not really a 24/7 submissive/slave don't look at this a being a failure.  Look at what you have achieved in terms of knowing yourself.

It does not sound like you tried to decieve anybody, sounds more like you discovered and learned more about you.  How can you fail at something you are simply not cut out for?   Again look at what you have achieved in light of this failure.

Look at both the Good and the Bad at the same time.  Look at yourself as a whole person, both sides of your yin/yang per se.

If you must beat yourself up over this, at least do it lovingly.  Love yourself for coming to a new personal realization

(in reply to kirby104)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: i deserve scorn - 6/9/2007 3:40:55 PM   
simplewhispers


Posts: 232
Joined: 12/27/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: octavia

quote:

ORIGINAL: kirby104

... I didn't seem to be worthy or helpful. I REMOVED MY OWN COLLAR.
...



Hey wanna sell it?  Those things damn sexy and I don't got one yet.



Cheers!
octavia





_____________________________

A silent woman is always more admired than a noisy one.
Season your admiration for a while With an attent ear. . .

simplewhispers

(in reply to octavia)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: i deserve scorn - 6/9/2007 3:44:08 PM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kirby104

At the point where I was unable to even think clearly, I was despairingly frightened. I didn't seem to be worthy or helpful. I REMOVED MY OWN COLLAR. In this lifestyle, it is damnation.

I will pay for the rest of my life for this.

Any personal issues aside. I completely failed at service.

I failed two loving people because of my fears and insecurities.

I lost their trust.and their love.

I did not know how to serve. I'm sorry.

The world should know of my ways, and I warn them of people like me.



It's only "damnation" if  you and the one/s you submitted to make it that way.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to kirby104)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: i deserve scorn - 6/9/2007 3:48:16 PM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kirby104

So, i am a drama queen, but I want to be pleasing. I never felt pleasing.

Stop being a drama queen, few find it pleasing. That's step one.

I want to learn to serve correctly. Should I be shamed that I don't know how to serve?

Not unless you've been doing it a long time.

I though that if I was submissive, it would be right. I was terribly wrong.
Does my lack of knowledge negate my submissiveness?

No, it negates any claims of omnipotence or clairvoyance, however.

Is there any possible way to learn or am I fooling myself?

Really now.


_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to kirby104)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: i deserve scorn - 6/9/2007 3:54:40 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kirby104

So, i am a drama queen, but I want to be pleasing. I never felt pleasing.
I want to learn to serve correctly. Should I be shamed that I don't know how to serve? I though that if I was submissive, it would be right. I was terribly wrong.
Does my lack of knowledge negate my submissiveness?

Is there any possible way to learn or am I fooling myself?


I venture to say that very few, if any of us, were born knowing how to be a good dominant or submissive. I don't know of any perfect dominants or submissives and I don't know of any who didn't have something to learn as they made their way through this for the first time.

Learning is important to serving. Forgiving yourself and moving on is important to learning, even necessary. You screwed up. Grow from it.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to kirby104)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: i deserve scorn - 6/9/2007 4:00:04 PM   
szobras


Posts: 435
Joined: 9/18/2006
Status: offline 		Kirby,
I know that I am entitled to feel the way I feel. I am also entitled to change the way they feel when I choose.
I am the only one that can do that when I am ready. First, I need to loose my reservations before I may do so.

(in reply to kirby104)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: i deserve scorn - 6/9/2007 4:04:46 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		~fr~
Don't stop the drama, I enjoy it.
You are only as good as your best intentions and the leadership of your owners.  Who was the bigger failure? 
Onward and upward.


_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to szobras)
Profile   Post #: 20
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