Mercnbeth
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quote:
I would bet that it is more a semantic difference than anything else Merc, but hey even if we are as far apart as we can be on that issue, it matters not since we aint F*^&*&% each other, LOL.
Archer,
I think there is a practical difference in coming to our respective position, the ages of the children. When we met we had the luxury of my children being older. Also, it isn't a clear "them" versus "us" decision. It is a matter of prioritizing. beth readily admits that she was her kid's "slave". Not in any way to be taken in the lifestyle context but pragmatically; she was there 100% as the only parent and responded to their every whim. There was some trauma in their lives when her primary focus changed. It changed, her focus was no longer exclusive to them and it required an adjustment period. In my case, they were in college or getting ready to go. There may have been some resentment or even jealousy with my attention, but they were well along their life path. That said, they've all collectively at various times, "rebounded" back to our house.
We include them on things. There is a common meal at the house for whoever is there. There have been trips, outings, events we attend together. We hope to be taking them for part of our fall trip to Europe. As I said initially, they aren't dropped off the charts of love, caring, consideration, or attention, but they are all tied for 2nd place in our life.One thing we are proud to represent. In all cases - all 5 of the UM's have said to us and to each other that they have never seen their respective parent so happy.
Parents have a duty to children, but that duty shouldn't be at the expense of a relationship with a partner. Children are experts at "topping from below". They can be a wedge between people much easier than a glue regardless of the old philosophy of "staying together for the children". Their "dom" should be a common front presented by a single minded parental/authority figure. The "figure" can be any mix ranging from single parent to a poly family; but within the dynamic they need to respect that the relationship that results in putting food on the table and a roof over their head's takes priority. They should respect it and the opportunity it has given them. I love the story that beth tells about growing up with her mom. Her mom told her that the clothes she wore were hers(mom's), she just bought them in beth's size..until beth worked a job and bought her own.
You know, it was your comment that made beth instigate my response. she thought it would be a good discussion topic next time we find ourselves attending the same event as you and Elegant.
Be well!
quote:
I don't think you are being fair in two of your responses. I think your children are older than Archers and I think young children require more adult time than older ones although I think we would end up still a ways apart on that issue. Second, your financial position is much stronger than many here, certainly better than mine as much as it galls me to have to say that. Requiring Beth to stay home was not as large a sacrifice as for someone to whom that income would be closer to 50% of the household income (again, this is an assumption, no disrespect intended and I of course could be wrong).
Mike,
The only "fair" in life sells cotton candy and makes you pay to ride the ferris wheel. 
I've addressed above the issue of age difference and again, it's not a matter of abandoning the replicants in favor of a relationship. It is only prioritizing; subtle or semantic but can have a huge difference in making the relationship work. Especially as in our case, where the children are not the fruit of our collective loins.
On the financial side again it is a matter of prioritizing. You may not live as well with all the creature comforts with only one salary, but the you can live. No matter how much you have there is always another vacation, a better car, a home improvement; that would be easier to obtain with more money coming into the house. beth has the ability, knowledge, skill set, to have a career and/or job that could generate as much income as me. It was our collective choice at the beginning of our relationship not to take advantage of that condition.
I disagree with you saying it wasn't a sacrifice. I see it a major sacrifice on her part and I appreciate it. I'm selfish - what can I say. Consider this, we're meeting in a couple weeks. When we discussed this, I didn't have to be concerned if beth could get time off work. I could be there and committed knowing beth could be there. That's isn't sacrifice, that's luxury. I would want that luxury even if my income was 10% of what it is, and I was living out of my car. Although if that were the case, I don't think we'd be using my car to tour Sonoma.
< Message edited by Mercnbeth -- 6/14/2007 1:56:51 PM >
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