RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy

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RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/30/2007 1:33:04 AM

bignipples2share

Posts: 611
Joined: 4/19/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BDsbabygirl

My goodness! I do NOT dwell on everything we do! I love EVERYthing about him, except knowing when he's already done something that's a special fantasy of mine. I love our dynamic and wouldn't change it for a thing. We are so in sync it's crazy. You guys have it all wrong, so wrong. How you can get what you've gotten from me only wanting to do something with him that's new to him as well as me, I don't know.

How? Well 8 pages ago, you were ready to pull the plug, leave him because no matter what situation would come up, he would have already done it, not just this specific fantasy, but anything to come. You said when you asked him he'd said he'd already done it all. THAT'S how we can get what we've gotten from this.

And if you were going to up and leave him because of just this one fantasy (which wasn't what you said) OMG that's even worse!

~Big

(in reply to BDsbabygirl)

Post #: 221

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/30/2007 1:39:59 AM

bignipples2share

Posts: 611
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

Bravo!!! < Standing on chair, aplauding enthusiastically > Bravo!!!
They need an icon for this, just for this purpose

~Big

quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetears

quote:

ORIGINAL: BDsbabygirl

But it also drives me mad with jealousy. I think a good deal of the reason I've been unable to orgasm with him is because I can't forget the others.

This IS dwelling!

I don't consciously remind myself that he's done this before but I think subconsciously I'm aware it isn't a first for him while it is for me and I just can't enjoy doing something he's experienced before.

This is not reveling and waiting to see what he has up his sleeve next, this is pouting.

I once touched on this in my Journal so he constantly tells me how much I mean to him and how this or that act has never effected him in such a way before, blah blah blah. While I'm grateful for his trying to help me feel better, it just doesn't work.

This is dissing him in words, thought and actions.

And now, tonight, he completely RUINED one of my fantasies! We were talking about it and he said we'd have to make plans for it. I was getting good and wet when he told me about one other time he'd done it. Fucked me right on up. I dried up quicker than and now that's the LAST thing I want to do. It's no longer a fantasy for me, just a ruined image of what could've been. I texted him that I don't want to do it after all but he hasn't responded because he's asleep. I know he'll question me and I really don't want to admit why I ceased to want it - seems so immature! - and what if he refuses to cancel doing it? I know I won't enjoy it at all because I'll have this image of him doing it with someone else before me.

This is not being in sync, it is trying to control and wanting indeed to change him - something impossible to change - his past experiences! He didn't ruin anything, you did!

Any advice would be appreciated because I an seriously considering doing something I never thought I'd do - leaving him. He's had too much experience for me to realistically think we can find stuff to do that's completely new for him and even if he stops telling me what he's done before, I'll be constantly wondering.

Do him a favor and ask for release - if you really cannot overcome it and his love isn't enough then ending it is for the best. Wondering is after all an horrible fate to face.

The thought of parting ways pains me so greatly - I'm actually crying as I read this - but the thought of being constantly miserable because I know he's done it all doesn't feel so hot, either.

*hands you a tissue* If your that miserable move on - let some other poor unfortunate soul have this over experienced dom to make them so miserable.

In advance, thanks for anything you have to say...unless it's a reminder that he's with me now and is undoubtedly focused only on me, not on past subs. I know this mentally but it doesn't help my heart or my spirit.

Nope and i doubt anything will.

I know I should be talking about this with him but I don't see what good it would do; talking about it isn't gonna undo his past and I don't want to be on a never-ending quest for things he hasn't done, either.

Yes it's hopeless... good luck with the next guy. i might suggest you try the 20 to 25 year range - better luck at them having no experience.

(in reply to velvetears)

Post #: 222

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/30/2007 1:52:24 AM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

mmmm young fresh meat

(in reply to bignipples2share)

Post #: 223

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/30/2007 2:24:15 AM

SweetAndInnocent

Posts: 59
Joined: 4/17/2005
Status: offline

Fast reply

I am quick to say that I don't want details of Sir's previous relationships. However, sure, I know about things he's done and he knows about things I've done. In general... which is what I find the OP's Dom has done. There is a big difference in giving general info, and in-depth detail.
I am stunned though, at the people who suggested that the Dom should keep his past quiet. How could any relationship be based on a lie... and that is what this would become. Hmm, potential scenario- "Sir, I'd love to try sex on a car in flippers and a snorkle."... Having already done this twice, and finding out that you need to put skids on the flippers so noone falls, he replies" Sure baby. That sounds great. I can't wait to try it." I could be wrong, but I just don't see that working for me. I never want Him to hide a part of Himself from me.
Just a side note- for those who suggested professional help- I couldn't agree more. The part that screamed THERAPIST ASAP to me, was the suggestion that the third child was so much less important.

(in reply to bignipples2share)

Post #: 224

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/30/2007 3:17:47 AM

bignipples2share

Posts: 611
Joined: 4/19/2004
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w/b came4u. I'm glad to see you still posting and that my response to one of your posts did not run you off. It surely wasn't meant to.

~Big

(in reply to came4U)

Post #: 225

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/30/2007 3:22:43 AM

bignipples2share

Posts: 611
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetAndInnocent
Just a side note- for those who suggested professional help- I couldn't agree more. The part that screamed THERAPIST ASAP to me, was the suggestion that the third child was so much less important.

I agree. While it's one thing to know by the third UM that the head isn't going to fall off if you don't do this or that, or if he cries, you don't have to panic. It's a whole other thing. The first time you watch them take thier first step, watch them meet winnie the pooh or see disneyland for the first time. I'm not even a parent and yet I've love how each and everyone of my sisters children and grandchildren have reacted to each new situation. Even though I've watched the other go through it.

(in reply to SweetAndInnocent)

Post #: 226

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/30/2007 4:41:06 AM

Aileen68

Posts: 6091
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline

It appears as if you need someone who is experienced only in his mind and not body, has lived in a cave or bubble and hasn't been influenced by anyone other than yourself and is also a mind reader. Pretty unrealistic. You say things throughout this thread that are total contradictions. He's in a no win situation since it seems that you will always be disappointed. Do him a favor and leave the relationship because it seems that he's a good guy who's trying to make you happy without any honest input from you. Free him up for a sub who will appreciate him more than you ever can.

(in reply to BDsbabygirl)

Post #: 227

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/30/2007 6:16:39 AM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

no not at all nipples, I DO dislike germs hehe. OCD about them like Howie Mandel on a good day.

(in reply to Aileen68)

Post #: 228

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/30/2007 6:31:05 AM

dawntreader

Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline

i really do believe the OP answered her own question with the title of this thread~

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 229

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/30/2007 7:21:14 AM

SirDominic

Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

quote:

To Susan/Dominic:
I'll just go tell my partner what a classless person he is for cherishing the nearly decade relationship he had with his ex-wife. I'll have to let him know that by remaining friends and a caring person in her life and allowing that to be shared with me that he's really just being very wrong and cruel and immature and classless. How horrible that they took their relationship seriously and that ending it was no reason for them to forget and dislike what they had. And since I insisted we have their pictures hanging in our apartment, I'm not really sure what that makes me? An enabler for classless behavior? We must be so fucked up.

Liz, I know we disagree on this issue of discussing past relationships with current ones. Still you have completely distorted what I said, and extrapolated facts that were never there. I NEVER said that I don't continue to have healthy relationships with women I have loved in the past. I am still in touch with the majority of them, and remain good friends. Their participation in my life left me a better man for it, and I will never minimize or forget that.

For the record this is precisely what I said in the post you found so offensive:

In my age group a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell. Previous relationships are just that. The past. History. I would never even think about telling a new sub that I had done this or that with one of my earlier ones. This was considered simple etiquette at one time, but is apparently no longer the case.

There is NOTHING in there about ignoring past relationships, just that I don't as a habit discuss them with someone with whom I am currently involved.

And I gotta tell you, your shitty attitude toward me is getting tiresome. I'd sure like to know what I ever did to you to deserve such virulent responses like this.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 230

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/30/2007 7:30:01 AM

chellekitty

Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline

maybe its not shitty,..maybe its pissy cause someone pissed in her post toasties and she thinks its you...
anyway...i can't believe this has brought up so many emotional responses from some long time members...was i the only one that hesitant to believe that these were problems brought up by a 3-D relationship and hessitant to bring up the topic for fear of offending someone who only has online to live this lifestyle?

chelle...who only has an online something (can't really say its a relationship...) going, but who is meeting Him tomorrow (and her the day after)...and she is nervous that she is not nervous...lol

(in reply to SirDominic)

Post #: 231

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/30/2007 7:35:59 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: chellekitty
was i the only one that hesitant to believe that these were problems brought up by a 3-D relationship and hessitant to bring up the topic for fear of offending someone who only has online to live this lifestyle?

I doubt it, but I was fairly convinced it was a primarily cyber relationship- having the exact time of her collaring + texting him the info + it being very new + talking about fantasies online...pretty clear trail to me.

Didn't stop me from responding like I did. A cyber relationship might work in very different ways than an offline relationship, but still a lot of the same personal issues going on.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to chellekitty)

Post #: 232

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/30/2007 7:48:11 AM

onestandingstill

Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BDsbabygirl

Has anyone her suffered from jealousy? Not from someone who's around now but from previous lovers? ...

I can't forget the others. I don't consciously remind myself that he's done this before but I think subconsciously I'm aware it isn't a first for him while it is for me and I just can't enjoy doing something he's experienced before. I I'm actually crying as I read this - but the thought of being constantly miserable because I know he's done it all doesn't feel so hot, either.

In advance, thanks for anything you have to say...unless it's a reminder that he's with me now and is undoubtedly focused only on me, not on past subs. I know this mentally but it doesn't help my heart or my spirit. I know I should be talking about this with him but I don't see what good it would do; talking about it isn't gonna undo his past and I don't want to be on a never-ending quest for things he hasn't done, either.

I've not got the time to read the forum but want to put in my 2 cents.

What's happening IMO is you're wishing you could just fully possess all his pleasure.
It's in accepting he's not a possession of yours, but rather someone who's allowing you to share him that will help you focus on the gifts you have vs not having everything ever had.

I also say yes, he's done those activities before.
The thing you have to focus on is he's NOT done them with you.
Look at it this way, no person has your spirit or puts forth the energy you do.
Though he's had sex with other people do you think that means sex with you is exactly the same as it is with them?
No, of course not.
It's not even the same with the two of you every time.
We all hit each other on different levels depending on all the stimulus and people involved.
Sex with you has different components and different energy levels and emotions than it will ever have with any one else in either of your lives, so does S&M interactions.
It's a variable thing.
Yes he can have sex with ten other women and not one of them will satisfy him or scratch the itch just the way you do.
They can't give him what you do because they are not you.
Weather it's his first time ever, or his first time sharing something with you it's still a special and new thing for him also.
I'd recommend you reading the Ethical Slut.
That book will help you understand the concept I'm briefly discussing here.
suzanne

(in reply to BDsbabygirl)

Post #: 233

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/30/2007 7:49:25 AM

camille65

Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline

Wow over 230 posts and you haven't yet spoken to your dom about this?

Babygirl, have your dom read this thread then the two of you need to sit down and talk about it, you seem to be keeping an awful lot of feelings from him which does nothing but shoot this relationship down.

Try talking to HIM, not a server full of strangers.

Good luck.

_____________________________

~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).

(in reply to BDsbabygirl)

Post #: 234

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/30/2007 7:56:43 AM

chellekitty

Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline

i agree but the most passionate responses were about his behavior and not hers...in my opinion...except when the OP responded - it was all about her...

chelle

ps...onestandingstill...thats why its a bad idea to post without reading at least some of the replies...the very valid point of your post has been beaten to death

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 235

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/30/2007 8:19:05 AM

swtnsparkling

Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

So why is it so bad for me to want to see the same things in his eyes as we discover something new together?"

You two are the Something New
Whatever the fantasy is, whether he has done it before- it won't be the same because it is You two doing it. How do you know you wouldnt see
amazement in his eyes? You won't even try.

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace

A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please

(in reply to BDsbabygirl)

Post #: 236

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/30/2007 11:32:37 AM

liljoy

Posts: 577
Joined: 3/25/2004
Status: offline

Think of it like snow. Do you remember the first time your oldest um was old enough to play in the snow? How did you feel watching and playing with said um? It felt pretty awesome to see the snow through fresh eyes i'd bet. Was it any less wonderful when the second one was old enough? How about the third?

Did each of them react exactly the same? i'd guess not. i'd guess each one was just different enough for you to totally enjoy it. i know each time i've been able to show someone something they've not seen before it has been special for me because i've been able to see through thier fresh new eyes

quote:

ORIGINAL: BDsbabygirl

And it's not quite as bad as my original post made it out to be; for the most part, I do enjoy the other stuff - nipple torture, flogging, sensory deprivation, etc - it's just this way with my fantasies, I guess...just realized that tonite, when he threw cold water all over my hot flame.

(in reply to BDsbabygirl)

Post #: 237

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/30/2007 1:25:35 PM

chellekitty

Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline

liljoy, if you want to go back and find it, she did say that by the time she got around to the third one its not as fun or something like that....

(in reply to liljoy)

Post #: 238

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/31/2007 12:45:38 AM

DarkDreams123

Posts: 74
Joined: 1/25/2007
Status: offline

Greetings onestandingstill,

There was one aspect of the OP that kept bothering me: when she said that her Dominant seeing a movie without her would spoil the movie for her. I just thought that this was immature.

However, when you said that she was trying to fully possess all of his pleasure the light bulb went off for me!

I have been in relationships before where my partner was jealous of my other relationships (read that as friendships with other guys or even my family). What you have said has helped me to see this behavior in a different light. Human beings are complex creatures and we can't fully possess anyone. Everyone has friendships, work relationships, etc. that we aren't going to be a part of (or at least a very small part of) and to get jealous of these relationships is to treat another person as a possession. Now I know that in some D/s and M/s dynamics the D or M sees his slave as a possession. But no human being can fully possess someone else, or IMO shouldn't even try to.

Thanks for the insight!

-DarkDreams

(in reply to onestandingstill)

Post #: 239

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/31/2007 1:19:29 AM

FelinePersuasion

Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline

I am a jelouse person, and one time, I asked about a previous girl of his, and if they had tons of sex, and yeah, I got incredibly jelouse, which is stupid, because the thought, how much they'd fucked, and how much he and I do, is totaly irrelevant, because I do not wish as much sex as his x did, to try to fuck as much as he and her did back then, simply wouldn't do anything for me.

quote:

ORIGINAL: BDsbabygirl

Has anyone her suffered from jealousy? Not from someone who's around now but from previous lovers? ... You know how in the vanilla world (BDSM one, too?), when you get with someone new, you politely listen to them talk about exes but you don't enjoy the conversation cause it makes you jealous (or is it just me?). Usually, you're able to forget about it, remind yourself that they're with you now, and move on. This was always the case for me; stew for a while then move on.

_____________________________

Most of the time if it looks like BS, smells like BS, you probably should not t taste it to see if, in fact, it is BS.

(in reply to BDsbabygirl)

Post #: 240

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