RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy

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RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 2:31:56 AM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

o dam, was going to drop it..but refreshed and with this topic, yep, I have experience. (those insecurities).

SusanofO, people like me, possibly the OP too..WE are the ones bringing it up.

I try not to, but it is a "I have to know everythingggg' situation, then you regret the answer.

I have been there 4000 times.

It might be a good idea to just plain stop asking about a guy's past (deep details) at all. ??

I do feel badly, sooo badly for the OP, I empathize deeply.

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 21

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 2:32:27 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BDsbabygirl
Perhaps if I look really aggrieved everytime he brings up his past, he'll get it. *sigh* I know I should talk to him about this but I am just really too embarrassed to right now...even to the point of leaving it out of my Journal and I've gotten used to putting things I can't talk about in it...

This is game playing. Be honest with him or you have no business being his.

(in reply to BDsbabygirl)

Post #: 22

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 2:36:24 AM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

Oh. Well, IMO one time isn't that bad, but unless it was some deep, heart-felt discussion where they were discussing their past histories to get to know eachother better, or something (and personally, I think one or two of those conversations is more than "enough") and I think I'd want to run in the other direction.

Personally, I don't care all that much about someone's past, after finding out what I want to know, and they've gotten off their chest what they want to tell me. If there is something they need to heal from, then it's good to know those kinds of things, too - if there is some huge thing they can't seem to get over, then maybe they need more time before delving into a new relationship, too. But I consider the present far more important, regardless of the fact it can be affected in some ways by the past.

I wouldn't go "looking for trouble " (as my grandma used to say) - just try to focus on the good things you have with eachother in the present.

And also think about the fact that sometimes, if you do go looking for trouble, for whatever "subconcious" reason you could be doing it, that you're not only screwing with your own head, you're also taking someone else down with you. It's not really fair. It could also piss them off to a point where they just tell you to get the hell out of their life, vs feeling like the need to "help you heal". I had that happen to me once. It's preventable.

I do hope things work out (I do) and wish you good luck.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/29/2007 2:48:17 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 23

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 2:40:57 AM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

Why would a man with any class keep discussing his past girlfriends with you? Even if it s a D/s relationship?

Well, my Master happens to have a lot of class. And I know about every woman he's slept with, fucked and beat. I've heard about what he's done right and what he's done wrong and the lessons he's learned from both. I've watched how that's played out in our relationship.

He knows about every man I've ever slept with, fucked or been beaten by. He's heard about what I've done right and what I've done wrong and the lessons I've learned from both. He's been able to watch how that's played out in our relationship.

He is the sum total of all he's learned, not just what he does with me. I am the sum total of all I've learned, not just what I've done with him.

Yea, he's a sadist but so what? That's not his form of sadism. It's called (at least in our relationship) being brutally honest about our strengths and weaknesses, faults and foibles and all that other stuff and letting the other know how we've become this way.

Some people might not want to know. I'd rather know and always be able to make my decisions with all the card out on the table rather than finding out something that may be detrimental to me the hard way. You may see it as disrespect to me for him to tell me things about his exes. I see it as all sorts of great opportunities for me to learn from their mistakes what things not to do and to do for that matter.

Honesty's not a bad thing. Pretending they're all virgins so that we'll feel special, rather than knowing we're special and that's why they chose us seems a bit backwards - not to mention dishonest at the very least to ourselves.

juliet

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 24

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 2:41:44 AM

BDsbabygirl

Posts: 115
Joined: 7/9/2007
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julietsierra -- "For him, the new part is watching you be amazed, scared, etc...and knowing he did it."...sounds like something he would've experienced with all the others before me, too ... No, my previous lovers weren't virgins; I don't know it matters now when it didn't in the vanilla realm.

ownedgirlie -- Thank you for that last post, about sharing things with my children. It raised my spirts greatly, if not all the way. Now a light is turning on... "Why don't you ask him what things he has never done before and would like to do?" No point in it, he told me before we before we became romantic that he has no fantasies because he's already lived them! Oh, God, why didn't I see that as a sign and walk away?

SusanofO -- he actually does not mention exes that much. I've heard very little of his past (I do know that he's had [at least] 2 subs and participated in a Gor roleplaying website) but I know he's been into BDSM for a long time, so one would have to assume he's had them. I would also have to assume it from how well he wields the toys, one who's a novice or with little experience would not be that good. Plus, just the way he talks about the life lets me know he's done a lot. And then there's where he admitted he had no fantasies left (damn myself for asking him about his!)...

_____________________________

~ Captured by My Dominance, enslaved by My love ~ -- Big Daddy
Collared by Master Big Daddy on Monday, 7/23/07 at 2:35pm

Into scat play? Boycott shampoo; demand the real poo!

(in reply to BDsbabygirl)

Post #: 25

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 2:45:53 AM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

He already did it all?

lol

oh oh

k thats it.

I give up.

(in reply to BDsbabygirl)

Post #: 26

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 2:47:22 AM

adoracat

Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline

~fast reply after reading the whole thread~

Sir is about 10 years older than me. he's also got probably 20+ years experience. definitely he's done a LOT of things i havent done before. he's had other subs. he has other subs *now*. yep, that gets me wound up and unhappy.

but i'm not monogamous, so i cant ask that of him. all i can ask is to know MY place in his heart, and i do without question know where i stand.

i'm difficult, we both know this. i have extensive nerve damage, plus overstimulation can and will force me into seizure-like activity. so i'm a challenge. while he may have flogged other subs, he hasnt dealt with my issues before. and every time he does something "new"....its the first time he's done that with *me*.

i didnt fall off the turnip truck five seconds before i met him....i was already 43, had lived, loved, sorrowed, and was trying to fulfill my late master's last wishes. Sir has helped me do that. he accepted all of me, including my past....how could i do any less for him?

just things to consider.

kitten, who is up too damned early and cant sleep....

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 27

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 2:48:48 AM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U

For example, if you make him lasagna, you want it to be the BEST lasagna he ever tasted, right? If not, that lasagna is so disappointing to you that you want to flush it and wish you never made it??

So, taking your lasagna example, let's say you DID make him that lasagna and let's say you want it to be the best he's ever tasted. However, he's never HAD lasagna before. How would he EVER know it was the best?

On the other hand, if he was an italian dinner afficianado and had been born and bred on lasagna, tastes your lasagna and is utterly amazed at how good it is...which would you prefer? Never having had it before and perhaps seeking out the lasagna of others just to be sure? Or having had it all his life and KNOWING your lasagna was the best?

And why is the presumption that you're not good enough your FIRST thought? If a dominant has been with lots of other women and he CHOOSES you...that means he knows exactly what and who he's choosing. You've beat em all baby. And when he keeps on coming back for more...you're not sloppy seconds. You're the best on the menu.

juliet

(in reply to came4U)

Post #: 28

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 2:50:59 AM

BDsbabygirl

Posts: 115
Joined: 7/9/2007
Status: offline

Actually, came4U, I don't ask about his past, at all; learned a looong time ago that it's a bad idea. I'd rather just bury my head in the sand and pretend there wasn't any.

_____________________________

~ Captured by My Dominance, enslaved by My love ~ -- Big Daddy
Collared by Master Big Daddy on Monday, 7/23/07 at 2:35pm

Into scat play? Boycott shampoo; demand the real poo!

(in reply to BDsbabygirl)

Post #: 29

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 2:53:03 AM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
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julietsierra: Well I think there is a difference between people who discuss their past relationships as part of a sort of "get to know you" conversation, and someone who brings it up as some sort of "club" to beat a submissive (or anyone) over the head with to "keep them in line". Used in that way, it can become a pretty ugly tool, IMO. I think we are perhaps discussing two different things.

I know I have usually had conversations with soneone I am getting to know about what they've appreciated about their past relationships and what they dis-liked about them, but then there are people who can take what has been said and use it in unsavory ways, strictly for their own ends. Those are the kinds of people I personally know I can live without.

But - the OP just clarified that's not what is happening here anyway, so I guess it is moot.

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/29/2007 2:54:39 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to adoracat)

Post #: 30

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 2:55:11 AM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BDsbabygirl

julietsierra -- "For him, the new part is watching you be amazed, scared, etc...and knowing he did it."...sounds like something he would've experienced with all the others before me, too ... No, my previous lovers weren't virgins; I don't know it matters now when it didn't in the vanilla realm.

Well, actually thinking beyond the moment would help here. If you slept with men who weren't virgins when you were in a vanilla world, and it didn't bother you that they'd had other women before you, then why didn't it? Guess what... their "toy" of choice in that world was their dick and unless they were virgins, you weren't jumping to conclusions that you didn't measure up then, why are you now when their toys are floggers and paddles?

Amazingly, the mechanics of fucking are pretty much the same when a man fucks Girl A, B, C, all the way to Z and back again. What was it when he fucked YOU that made you feel you were better than all the rest so that you weren't so darn jealous about the other women that came before you in his life?

Personally, I can't figure out the difference between a man who's had other lovers before you and a man who's had other submissives before you.

juliet

< Message edited by julietsierra -- 7/29/2007 3:04:27 AM >

(in reply to BDsbabygirl)

Post #: 31

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 2:59:30 AM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

<silencio

am eating my own lasagna. f*k it. LOL

will never understand any of this.

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 32

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 3:00:27 AM

BDsbabygirl

Posts: 115
Joined: 7/9/2007
Status: offline

julietsierra, thanks for that last post, also; brings up a wonderful point...I apologize to everyone for doing the "blah blah" thing because I really don't just shrug off what he says. He constantly tells me about how he'd given up on ever finding anyone who truly melds with him, has told me that his other subs claimed to know it all and have so much experience but I beat them all hands down even though I am new -- asked me tonite if I was sure I hadn't done this before! *LOL*, tells me that he has never met anyone who anywhere near approaches my uniqueness and specialness, tells me he loves me unlike he has ever loved before and in fact thought possible...so, he does build me up a lot. I believe every word he says and it brings great joy to my heart. Unfortunately, it just doesn't help with the matter at hand.

_____________________________

~ Captured by My Dominance, enslaved by My love ~ -- Big Daddy
Collared by Master Big Daddy on Monday, 7/23/07 at 2:35pm

Into scat play? Boycott shampoo; demand the real poo!

(in reply to BDsbabygirl)

Post #: 33

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 3:02:05 AM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
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OP: I just re-read your intial post. I still think he could maybe take more care to not mention "times he's done _________ before, without you".

I dunno, maybe it's just me - but is this really necessary? I am not saying he needs to walk on egg shells around you, and maybe it sounds like I am turning around from what I said in my last post (I am, kinda), but I just re-read what you wrote. And even if you are being a little bit "sensitive" (you could be, IMO) I STILL think he could just be quiet, and not say this kind of thing.

These kinds of situations are really where I guess my Switch comes out. I can picture myself saying something like:

"Could you say that again? I didn't catch that last remark. Could you say that a little louder next time, honey?" Hehe..

Maybe these little aside remarks of his are "unconscious" on his part, and then again, maybe he's being gamey. Or maybe just dumb. Whatever he is being, he could maybe just - Cut It Out.

It's probably all innocent on his part, but it sounds a little silly to me, and a bit inconsiderate as well.

Just my "two cents." Good luck.

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/29/2007 3:08:08 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 34

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 3:02:18 AM

BDsbabygirl

Posts: 115
Joined: 7/9/2007
Status: offline

...He even told me he didn't even like the girl he'd done my fantasy with before, it was just for sex. So I know it would be different and special with me since he likes and loves me; I just can't get the image out of my head, tho.

_____________________________

~ Captured by My Dominance, enslaved by My love ~ -- Big Daddy
Collared by Master Big Daddy on Monday, 7/23/07 at 2:35pm

Into scat play? Boycott shampoo; demand the real poo!

(in reply to BDsbabygirl)

Post #: 35

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 3:04:00 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

So the fact that what he is experiencing with you - the feelings he has - ARE new to him, don't have any merrit? The most important thing about a relationship - feelings for each other - are what he is experiencing for the first time with you. But because he's whacked someone else's ass, it doesnt matter?

(in reply to BDsbabygirl)

Post #: 36

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 3:06:01 AM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
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BDsbabygirl: Oh yeah. His past BDSM experience with _______was just sooo bad And unmemorable, that he forgot about it totally, I see. So much, that he still talks about it to new girlfriends - to this very day.What a bunch of BS.

Just tell him to Knock It Off.

(Wow. Maybe I am more of a Domme than I thought I was).

I know I did a complete turn-around there, but two things just occurred to me after I thought a little more about what (I thought) your original post said. And I then thought:

1) Submissives usually tend to blame themselves for what "goes wrong" in a relationship (if they are responsible. The fact you recognize this could be a problem to begin with tells me you are a responsible type of person) AND

2) It really isn't all that necessary for him to mention these things, "innocent" remarks though they may be. Just a wee but more consideration on his part would perhaps eliminate this entire "problem".

Since you are a submissive and not a Domme, maybe if he asks you to bring any concerns of yours to him, tell him this is one, even if he might think it is "silly", and "suggest" that he ask you to come up with a way to "solve" the "problem". Then suggest he not say these things anymore - and see how it goes.

I could be wrong - but if it bothers you that much, and it's something that is pretty easy for him to "fix" - I can't think of any reason why he couldn't do it - and just not mention these kinds of things to you.

Unless of course you do the same kind of thing to him (if so, I'd stop).

Good luck.

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/29/2007 3:57:50 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to BDsbabygirl)

Post #: 37

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 3:10:06 AM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BDsbabygirl

...He even told me he didn't even like the girl he'd done my fantasy with before, it was just for sex. So I know it would be different and special with me since he likes and loves me; I just can't get the image out of my head, tho.

Then you might want to consider just what it is exactly you DO want from him. Do you want him to start withholding his life from you? Do you want him to undo everything he's ever done and unmeet everyone he's ever met before you? (And is that really possible? Since it's not, just what do you WANT?)

He's telling you that you're special, you're the greatest lasagna he's ever eaten. He's telling you you're IT... and that with you, everything is new and exciting...and it STILL isn't enough? I'd venture to say that there's still something more at hand here than just what you've figured out so far.

juliet

(in reply to BDsbabygirl)

Post #: 38

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 3:12:45 AM

BDsbabygirl

Posts: 115
Joined: 7/9/2007
Status: offline

SusanofO, I think it may just be innocent on his part...

Okay, so we were talking about him ripping off my clothes, throwing me onto his car, and having his way with me (nothing especially 'kinky' in that, but still). Then, he says that we need to do it before winter because he'd done it once before in the winter and it was cold *SPLASH!* There went my dream! Don't even wanna look at a car now, less alone his (though I'm pretty sure it was different car); as we were hot and heavy at this point (until this point, that is), I'm pretty sure it wasn't his aim to "keep me in line" or anything of that sort...yeah, am pretty sure it was just what he thought was a casual comment but it just f---d up my world.

_____________________________

~ Captured by My Dominance, enslaved by My love ~ -- Big Daddy
Collared by Master Big Daddy on Monday, 7/23/07 at 2:35pm

Into scat play? Boycott shampoo; demand the real poo!

(in reply to BDsbabygirl)

Post #: 39

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 3:12:49 AM

adoracat

Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

BDsbabygirl: Oh yeah. is past BDSM experience with _______was just sooo bad And unmemorable, that he forgot about it totally, I see. So much that he still talks about it to new girlfriends to this very day.What a bunch of BS.

Just tell him to Knock It Off.

(Wow. Maybe I am more of a Domme than I thought I was). Good luck. - Susan

disagreeing gently...

i have a crapped out memory. so yeah, i forget stuff... but if you say something to me that stirs up those memories, i can remember it and tell the story, and enjoy it all over again.

so i can see that..... he asks for a fantasy, she tells it, he says "oh yeah, this was the situation i did that before". it doesnt mean that he's rubbing it in her face, or that he's being evil to drag out all the experiences he's had before....just commenting.

hell, i said something about "outside" once to my hubby and got a story about doing it on a tractor fender....i was barely ale to keep my chortles to a minimum 3 days later when we ran into the girl he did it with. (nice girl, BTW. she and i got along well.)

kitten, who still struggles with these issues herself, but doesnt get so caught in them that she wants to leave.....i do that on other subjects. ;)

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 40

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