RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy

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RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 3:12:59 AM

SweetCaleigh

Posts: 59
Joined: 4/22/2006
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i feel the complete opposite of the OP. i have always wanted to know what my former Master's experiences were with past subs. It kind of gave me an insite of what kind of person He was, but the difference was that i asked Him about it, He never really offered the information to me. i still do that with the Doms i talk with now and ask what their experiences were with their past submissives. Again, it gives me insite as to what kind of person the Dom is. i think no matter how much experience they have already had with other submissives i still would feel special because i was one of the lucky ones to have been chosen. Also, because i was new to Him it was still a new experience for Him and because i was different than any of His others. i was special to Him in a whole new way. Granted, He might have done the same things, but it is still different and special because it was with ME, because i was different and special to Him. Maybe your Master did do the same thing with another sub from the past, but it's still a new experience for both of you. i am not sure if this makes any sense to you.

i actually prefer someone that has had experience and knows what He is doing rather than someone new and still learning. i don't seem to have the patience for them.

As for earthycouple that's a whole different story. i would not be happy at all if i got a ring that has already been used by another. To me that is just tacky and lazy on his part (sorry i know he is your husband now, but i am just explaining how i would feel). To top it all off it was a cheap ring! It would have hurt me a great deal. i would have taken a cracker jack ring over the one he bought for the other woman and waited until the time came and we could afford a good quality ring and one meant for ME.

*sweet caleigh*

(in reply to came4U)

Post #: 41

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 3:19:33 AM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
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BDsbabygirl:
I was going to add something sarcastic here, but thought of something that might perhaps help a bit more.

Might it help you a bit if you simply explain to him that there's a part of you that wants to feel as if SOMETHING he does with you is new and "just yours" and if you all try something would it be possible to please not have him mention that he's done it before? He doesn't have to lie and say he's never done it, but could he just not say he has? Could he please allow you the joy of discovery without the EXPRESSED knowledge that it's old hat to him?

Just an idea..

Course, then, you have to be willing to never ask if he has indeed done this before - or be willing to accept the truth that he has. This wouldn't be my style at all. I hate subterfuge, but at the same time, I recognize that how I do things might not be how others do it, and if all you want is that "new car smell," and if one of those new car smell air freshners on the visor will accomplish that,would that be good enough for you?

juliet

(in reply to julietsierra)

Post #: 42

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 3:22:07 AM

SusanofO

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Joined: 12/19/2005
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adoracat: Maybe not, but I think it's still pretty tasteless. Whatever happened to plain, old-fashioned manners?

I can see where these would be an "innocent" remarks on his part. But - if I could tell it bothered someone when I talked about something, (and this guy has had some time to pick up on that fact, unless the OP is a really good actress, or he is blind) I'd try not to do it again, if I thought it might hurt their feelings.

Avoiding that kind of talk won't be the end of his life. At most, it's a minor inconvenience. This is just my opinion, and I realize everyone had their own, of course.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/29/2007 3:26:54 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to adoracat)

Post #: 43

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 3:23:55 AM

BDsbabygirl

Posts: 115
Joined: 7/9/2007
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Thanks, adoracat, like I really want him "enjoying it all over again"! ... julietsierra, I would just like to be totally oblivious to what he's done before (especially if it's over something as sacred as a special fantasy; again, this isn't about all things BDSM, just those really close to my heart) so I can keep on pretending that it's new for both of us. If he never mentioned his past again, it wouldn't bother me a bit...so how do I respectfully ask him to never ever ever, if we both live to be a zillion, bring up his past and things he's done - especially pertaining to my fantasies - again?

_____________________________

~ Captured by My Dominance, enslaved by My love ~ -- Big Daddy
Collared by Master Big Daddy on Monday, 7/23/07 at 2:35pm

Into scat play? Boycott shampoo; demand the real poo!

(in reply to adoracat)

Post #: 44

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 3:26:42 AM

bignipples2share

Posts: 611
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

You knew you were getting involved with an experienced Dom. The only way he would get to be experienced is to have done it.

When you first started negotiations, didn’t you go through a list of what areas each of you enjoyed and which you had, or didn’t have experience in?

Since experience is necessary in much of WIIWD. I would think you’d like to know that he’s not doing an activity to you, which might harm you. The way I see it, he’s letting you know that he’s capable. You wouldn’t want someone coming at you with various whips and crops, with no experience.

Maybe you have a problem with the way he’s letting you know.
I did this with Sally, Mary at least 20 times, and Sue, she liked it when I did it this way.
(BTW there are people who would find talking about this hot, maybe he’s one of them. Maybe he believes you would think it is.)

Vs. I have a lot of experience in this, so you can rest assured you’re not going to end up in the hospital afterwards.

Could it be that many of these people he’s talking about gaining his experience with were just people he played with a lot, just for the experience and nothing more? Maybe they could have been great friends, but the only time they ever really were interactive with each other was at a play party? Don’t ask, if you don’t know, maybe that will help you with the mind-set. That way you can think of it along the lines of he was just learning, like a cooking class and his partner was female LOL

I don’t need to know if his ex taught him everything he knows about cooking, or how to give a back-rub. The fact that he knows is good enough. I personally don’t want to hear lots of conversations about ex’s. If I have any questions about it, then I ask. Maybe that’s something you should have discussed before you two got involved.

I think it’s a shame that you’re considering leaving him when this is a hang-up you are capable of getting over, if the two of you work on it. You two need to sit down and really discuss this.

Try this mental image, maybe it will help with your perspective.

Think about the different pedicures you had, or nails, whatever. One person you go to is constantly talking to other workers and people there, she’s done in 10 minutes and leaves you to let your nails dry.
Now, you go to a different place. She looks at you and takes a few minutes to prepare. She’s selected a tray of various colors that compliment your skin tone. This person not only does your nails, but massages your hands, then massages scented oils, which she’s mixed up for you. She massages this into your skin, up your arms up past your elbows. Her focus is on you and your reactions, which are very different from the person before you came, she’s elated that she’s selected the perfect polish, the perfect scents. She thinks you’re reactions to her manicure were the best ever and she can’t wait to see if she can come up with a new twist on it, just for you.

Maybe he's done it before, but he’s elated when he’s doing it for/to you.

~Big

(in reply to BDsbabygirl)

Post #: 45

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 3:29:11 AM

SusanofO

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Joined: 12/19/2005
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Well at least he's had the courtesy to say things are "special" with you, so maybe he does have decent manners. If he had said that, it sounds like he realizes that you need to know that you are special to him, and not just another "notch on his Dom belt".

I guess maybe I'd let him know (gently) that it kind of bothers you when he brings up he's done something a lot more often than you have. Perhaps he doesn't realize this isn't as impressive to you as it is hurtful. And see how it goes. Good luck.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/29/2007 3:48:27 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to bignipples2share)

Post #: 46

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 3:30:01 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

Maybe not, but I think it's still pretty tasteless. Whatever happened to plain, old-fashioned manners?

No class, has issues, can't let go of the past, screwing with your head, taking you down, using a club to beat a submissive to keep them in line, silly, inconsiderate, a bunch of BS, tasteless...

These are all the references you used in regards to a Dom mentioning a previous act with a previous sub.

Not everyone feels this way, in fact for many relationships it's quite normal to casually discuss the past. I suppose it bothers some and not others. I'd rather be trusted enough that he confides that stuff with me than to pretend none of it existed, or to feel he has to keep things from me. So I can't say I share your sentiment, but you've certainly gotten your point across! :)

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 47

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 3:31:22 AM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BDsbabygirl

Thanks, adoracat, like I really want him "enjoying it all over again"! ... julietsierra, I would just like to be totally oblivious to what he's done before (especially if it's over something as sacred as a special fantasy; again, this isn't about all things BDSM, just those really close to my heart) so I can keep on pretending that it's new for both of us. If he never mentioned his past again, it wouldn't bother me a bit...so how do I respectfully ask him to never ever ever, if we both live to be a zillion, bring up his past and things he's done - especially pertaining to my fantasies - again?

"Master, please if we both live to be a zillion, please don't bring up your past - especially as it pertains to my fantasies."

I guess that's the only real way of doing it.

Course, it just seems like such a shot in the heart to a lot of communication, but hey...if it works for you and he's willing...*shrug*...just tell him.

lol... I can just see me saying that to my Master. The first time I shut down communication with him would be the first step on a very short road to a final break up. AND every step along that road, I'd be hearing about the girls he's been with. I'd either have to get over myself or I'd have to walk. Cause if I tried to make him do anything he didn't want to do, he'd be walking.

juliet

(in reply to BDsbabygirl)

Post #: 48

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 3:33:35 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra
lol... I can just see me saying that to my Master. The first time I shut down communication with him would be the first step on a very short road to a final break up. AND every step along that road, I'd be hearing about the girls he's been with. I'd either have to get over myself or I'd have to walk. Cause if I tried to make him do anything he didn't want to do, he'd be walking.

Ditto. Only he wouldn't be walking. I'd be booted while he stood in place, giving me one swift kick.

(in reply to julietsierra)

Post #: 49

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 3:36:35 AM

SusanofO

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Joined: 12/19/2005
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ownedgirlie: Well, please see my most recent above post. I forgot he's taken the time to mention she is special to him. In that case, I'd say he's trying to let her know she is "special" and possibly more considerate than I originally thought.

I am a Switch, not a complete submissive (if that is even pertinent). And yes, I think someone who is:

1) Older then she is and 2) With much, much more BDSM experience should be capable of realizing that some of his remarks might not be "impressive" as much as they might be hurtful to her.

You're right - it is different from your opinion. IMO, they could be innocent remarks - they could also be a "gamey- power play" types of remarks. They could be one masquerading as the other, too.

Without having seen the interaction first-hand, it's pretty impossible to tell which they really are.
So- IMO, it is good there were so many varying opinions on this thread re: What could be happening.

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/29/2007 3:41:50 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 50

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 3:38:57 AM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra
lol... I can just see me saying that to my Master. The first time I shut down communication with him would be the first step on a very short road to a final break up. AND every step along that road, I'd be hearing about the girls he's been with. I'd either have to get over myself or I'd have to walk. Cause if I tried to make him do anything he didn't want to do, he'd be walking.

Ditto. Only he wouldn't be walking. I'd be booted while he stood in place, giving me one swift kick.

lol...I was trying to be polite. Our Masters are similar enough to each other in how they handle things that you KNOW I'd pretty much be in the same boat. However, my Master wouldn't kick. He'd simply walk away, delete my phone number from his phone, get rid of any pictures he had of me, and not acknowledge me in any way, shape or form. In a figurative but very real sense, I'd cease to exist for him.

And if I EVER stood a prayer of a chance to be with him again, I'd have to get over myself in a very big way.

juliet

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 51

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 3:41:38 AM

BDsbabygirl

Posts: 115
Joined: 7/9/2007
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bignipples2share, yes, we did go thru a checklist based on what I was and was not willing to do. For everything I checked as a "like" or "would be interested in doing", he told me how he was in the habit of doing it. It didn't bother me, perhaps because it was done in such a matter-of-fact, need-to-know way ... and thanks for your other suggestions, as well. They really seem like mindsets I should try to get into.

SusanofO, I don't think he could have known it bothered me; up until tonite, it did only in a very minor, normal-for-me kind of way, ie nothing I couldn't handle. It was just talking about that damned fantasy that crushed me...don't know if I'll be able to talk about any others now, lest he remember something and comment on it, however innocently.

_____________________________

~ Captured by My Dominance, enslaved by My love ~ -- Big Daddy
Collared by Master Big Daddy on Monday, 7/23/07 at 2:35pm

Into scat play? Boycott shampoo; demand the real poo!

(in reply to bignipples2share)

Post #: 52

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 3:43:24 AM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

BDsbabygirl: I'd just maybe bring it up gently and see where it goes. If he knows it really bothers you a lot, and he really cares about you, he'll listen. Good luck. - Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to BDsbabygirl)

Post #: 53

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 3:47:22 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra
lol...I was trying to be polite. Our Masters are similar enough to each other in how they handle things that you KNOW I'd pretty much be in the same boat. However, my Master wouldn't kick. He'd simply walk away, delete my phone number from his phone, get rid of any pictures he had of me, and not acknowledge me in any way, shape or form. In a figurative but very real sense, I'd cease to exist for him.

And if I EVER stood a prayer of a chance to be with him again, I'd have to get over myself in a very big way.

juliet

*Grinning* Tonight he told me if I hassled him about "such n such" he'd smack me upside the head. I said, "Hmmm, that sounds kinda fun!" He grumbled and then agreed that I'd probably like it :)

They do have similar philosophies in many areas, though. I certainly wouldn't get away with demanding that he stifle himself, and like you, I'd be hearing about everything I never wanted to hear about just to make the point. That part made me grin over here.

The thing is, our relationship is such where I serve him, not the other way around. And to be able to do so optimally, means getting over my baggage and issues and fears (oh my). Even if it takes me out of my comfort zone. Sure there have been things he's protected me from because they made me uncomfortable, but HE decided what would be withheld from me, whether I wanted it to be or not. And then HE decided when I would be privy to such information, whether I wanted to be or not. He runs the ship. He develops me. My job is to communicate my feelings about it in a way that he finds appropriate.

While other relationships do not operate that way, this is the only one I can offer advice from.

(in reply to julietsierra)

Post #: 54

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 3:48:55 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BDsbabygirl
SusanofO, I don't think he could have known it bothered me; up until tonite, it did only in a very minor, normal-for-me kind of way, ie nothing I couldn't handle. It was just talking about that damned fantasy that crushed me...don't know if I'll be able to talk about any others now, lest he remember something and comment on it, however innocently.

You realize you're telling him it's nothing you can't handle and you're telling us you're ready to leave him over it?

I think you two have some big hurdles to jump.

(in reply to BDsbabygirl)

Post #: 55

my advice: - 7/29/2007 3:50:07 AM

salilus

Posts: 201
Joined: 5/18/2007
Status: offline

Ask him, nicely, if he would please not talk about other women during sex.

Remember that these other women are part of his past for a reason and that you are part of his current life for a reason.

If you think 'it's just not that simple,' then try to be subjective and see that he might not be the one holding onto all of those women.

< Message edited by salilus -- 7/29/2007 3:53:06 AM >

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 56

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 3:54:41 AM

rollinonward05

Posts: 78
Joined: 9/11/2005
Status: offline

I agree with Caleigh, I wanted to know about Masters past. Not all the details ( and as I understand it this Dom is not giving all the details either), but knowing what he has experienced. Sometimes it gave me great fantasies to share with him *eg*
But.. shouldn't you be more worried ( as a sub or slave) about what your Dom wants and how to make him happy then just being all happy and fuzzy yourself. Perhaps you need to stand back and take a long look at what it is you want in your life. Is the lifestyle something you can handle? Or is it too just a fantasy going through your mind that is not working out the way you imagined it should? I do not mean to be harsh here, I too had to take a good look , several times, at just what I could handle or needed in my life. I was more than once pleasantly and happily surprised at the things I could accept after I opened my mind up and looked at things from all angles.
I wish you well
rollin

(in reply to SweetCaleigh)

Post #: 57

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 3:57:23 AM

BDsbabygirl

Posts: 115
Joined: 7/9/2007
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Thanks, again, for your comments, julietsierra, but now I really don't think it's going to be about me having to request anything. When he wakes up and reads my text - "Please, let's not do the car thing; have decided it's no longer a fantasy of mine, after all, can we find something else?" - he'll want to know why it ceases to be a fantasy of mine. I'd planned to make up a false reason but I abhor the idea of lying because I know it's not conducive to good communication which is the bedrock of any good relationship. Instead, I will just tell him the truth, since we are still quite vanilla in some areas and I know I can tell him that without sounding disrespectful or as if I need to "get over myself". What he'll do when I tell him, I don't know. If he says he cannot stop "commenting", then I'll have to decide whether or not to see myself to the door. If he can see how much it pains me and agrees to stop, things are well...I hope.

_____________________________

~ Captured by My Dominance, enslaved by My love ~ -- Big Daddy
Collared by Master Big Daddy on Monday, 7/23/07 at 2:35pm

Into scat play? Boycott shampoo; demand the real poo!

(in reply to BDsbabygirl)

Post #: 58

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 4:04:29 AM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

I tried to stay away..

but this topic is just so darn interesting. again, I also feel this way, I would burn all cars THAT is how strongly I get bent out of shape in that example. lol

I honestly don't know how you / anyone could start something with those/these thoughts about a guy's past. I guess it is up to you, simple, drop it, or do him on the car. See if your fantasy is just that..a fantasy and not so comfortable or pleasing at all.

(in reply to BDsbabygirl)

Post #: 59

RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 4:08:17 AM

rollinonward05

Posts: 78
Joined: 9/11/2005
Status: offline

quote:

"Please, let's not do the car thing; have decided it's no longer a fantasy of mine, after all, can we find something else?"

lol If I said this to Master and in this way, we would be doing this exact fantasy. Its like saying to him " I am never going to be flogged" , because you can bet it is gonna happen. Master is the one in charge not me. :)Thank goodness. ( And being able to accept that fact took quite a while and a lot of patience on Masters part , and a lot of bumps for us to get past)
rollin

(in reply to BDsbabygirl)

Post #: 60

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