RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy

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RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 8:06:18 AM

reticence

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quote:

*sigh* Why must people always think there's a deeper reason that what there really is?

quote:

ORIGINAL: BDsbabygirl

Although it happens, rarely is a "cigar" just a cigar. The issue at hand is rarely the issue in total.. it is usually a representation of the real issue.

This might sound harsh, but you really need to take responsibility for your own feelings and reactions. You own them. As you have stated numerous times, you have felt all of these feelings before, they are yours, old feelings that have their origins way before you ever met this man.

Your current relationship is sparking them, and you are reacting to them pretty much at the emotional age you were when you first felt them. Its really time, for your own good, to look at them, see they are not working for you anymore and change them.

I know it is difficult sometimes for logic to trump emotion, but it is what we do as we grow up and mature. You seem to be saying, "If I can't have the first cookie out of the jar, I just don't want any cookies" Who are you hurting besides yourself.?

Honesty with yourself and your issues and honesty with your dominant are essential. Ask him to work with you on this and help you to get over it. You are very self-focused and everything is all about you and how you are feeling. Try just for a while to get out of yourself and focus on your dominant, and what pleases him.

edited to say i really need to work on this quote thing.. apologies for how it looks

< Message edited by reticence -- 7/29/2007 8:07:32 AM >

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RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 8:08:43 AM

BDsbabygirl

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Mercnbeth, I think everyone is blowing this out of proportion; I am neither jealous nor insecure about his past relationships or about what he did with them, GENERALLY SPEAKING. Nor was I with anyone else before this, so it's not about insecurity or that I think I'm being compared...and if I am, I know it's favorably. It's SIMPLY - for the billionth time! - about not being able to share something special I'd wanted to do with the one I'm with because part of the fantasy was in the newness in the activity for both of us. THAT's IT! ...is this really such a difficult concept to understand? Geez!

And as for the "he's lucky to have me" comment, it's not about him; I've always thought that about whoever I was with, because I know the good thing they had. In his case, have.

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RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 8:11:21 AM

sweetnurseBBW

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BDsbabygirl

Has anyone her suffered from jealousy? Not from someone who's around now but from previous lovers? ... You know how in the vanilla world (BDSM one, too?), when you get with someone new, you politely listen to them talk about exes but you don't enjoy the conversation cause it makes you jealous (or is it just me?).

Mercnbeth, I think everyone is blowing this out of proportion; I am neither jealous nor insecure about his past relationships or about what he did with them,

You contradict yourself when you say your not jealous when in your OP you said you were. As misotferin said you cant have jealousy without insecurity.

< Message edited by sweetnurseBBW -- 7/29/2007 8:12:18 AM >

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RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 8:14:08 AM

julietsierra

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BDsbabygirl

julietsierra, you are correct that I don't like my own hair, eyes, or post-children body. But what in the world does THAT have to do with anything? I hated these things when I was married to my soon-to-be ex who still wants me and it didn't affect a thing. What's wrong with wanting to look like you want to?

Because, hating pieces of yourself is part of hating yourself and haughtiness and acting "high on yourself" are tools to keep everyone at a distance who might just find out that you're not as wonderful as you portray yourself to be. The fact that it's so apparent that you're being told this several times a week says more about how INsecure you are than how confident you are. And now, vulnerability is scaring the shit out of you. After all, he may just see that you're not all that - and then what? Except that he does care for you. You just can't accept the possibility that he can be a whole person with a remembered and unashamed past without you - cause then what would that make you, other than disposable?

And I'm confused. First it was a "sacred" fantasy. Now it's "just a fantasy." In attempting to change him, you might want to start with yourself.

juliet

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RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 8:14:26 AM

SusanofO

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SirDominic: Are we old or what? Hehheh... - Susan

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That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

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RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 8:14:29 AM

MasterFireMaam

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1) You'll have to admit your discomfort here or else he'll never talk about it and the two of you will never get over it.

2) Work together to find one thing that can bee just for the two of you. Make a written promise to each other that it will remain just between the two of you for as long as the relationship exists.

3) If you don't want to hear about his past experience, ask him to stop talking about it.

4) Work of building you own sense of self worth. Realize that what he's done with others had nothing to do with you. Realize that how they reacted is different than you. Realize that you being you, all by yourself, makes it different, unique and special.

Master Fire

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RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 8:15:14 AM

angelic

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babygirl, i am only going to address this post because although i may have tons of jealousy experience...that is not the issue now... you now feel that you have to defend yourself and you are frustrated that you are not 'being heard' so to speak. For you, the only problem is one thing, your fantasy was ruined, not your entire life and it has turned into 7 pages of psychoanalyzing you...

It happens because above all, this is the internet... none of us can see you, hear your voice, see the laughter in your voice or the sadness.... Some, just like to 'hear themselves talk' and may not have read your two most recent posts. Some may have read them but unfortunately had already made a decision about you and so they are going to post from that position.

Having said that, maybe a different way of asking for advice would have been better? (Hell, i do not know, i have been on this forum for a few years now and it happens quite frequently). What i am trying to say is, do not lose heart, most here have offered you good sound advice in a very non-threatening way. i would pay more attention to those than i would the ones who are defining who or what you are by a few posts.

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RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 8:17:39 AM

BDsbabygirl

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I just meant, in my OP, that when having those "getting to know you" conversations, I always the slightest, teeniest twinge, but it's certainly not anything I ever dwelt on or couldn't handle, doesn't cross my mind once the converse's over with. So, no, I'm not contradicting myself.

Anyone have any comments to this? Or don't you wanna touch it cause there is no good reason? -- "Somebody posted here about it can be wonderful for my Dom in that he gets to watch me discover and learn new things, that he can enjoy seeing the amazement in my eyes; no one blinked at that post. So why is it so bad for me to want to see the same things in his eyes as we discover something new together?"

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RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 8:19:10 AM

rollinonward05

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetnurseBBW

quote:

ORIGINAL: BDsbabygirl

Has anyone her suffered from jealousy? Not from someone who's around now but from previous lovers? ... You know how in the vanilla world (BDSM one, too?), when you get with someone new, you politely listen to them talk about exes but you don't enjoy the conversation cause it makes you jealous (or is it just me?).

Mercnbeth, I think everyone is blowing this out of proportion; I am neither jealous nor insecure about his past relationships or about what he did with them,
You contradict yourself when you say your not jealous when in your OP you said you were. As misotferin said you cant have jealousy without insecurity.

I really believe no matter what anyone says the Op is just not going to get it. Or understand . Or chooses to understand. Unless of course you agree totally to her poor poor me . ( Which has now changed to " I am to good to be true).

rollin

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RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 8:21:07 AM

SusanofO

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Its not so bad, IMO. And I think Master Fire Ma'am gave darned great advice (as usual).
So did lots of other folks. I am sure you can help things to work out just fine. Good luck.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/29/2007 8:23:43 AM >

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And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

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RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 8:21:26 AM

mistoferin

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BDsbabygirl
Anyone have any comments to this? Or don't you wanna touch it cause there is no good reason? -- "Somebody posted here about it can be wonderful for my Dom in that he gets to watch me discover and learn new things, that he can enjoy seeing the amazement in my eyes; no one blinked at that post. So why is it so bad for me to want to see the same things in his eyes as we discover something new together?"

Even if he's done things a thousand times before, why can't you see that the first time he does them with YOU that it is new and unchartered ground?

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RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 8:23:44 AM

Mercnbeth

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quote:

I'd wanted to do with the one I'm with because part of the fantasy was in the newness in the activity for both of us. THAT's IT!

I won't address the control issues raised by this statement. Besides, total relinquishing of control may not be part of your relationship dynamic, and isn't required.

The issue is perspective. Unless the issue is that you are concerned with qualitative judgment and you are worried if the experience will be better or worse compared to prior; why should it concern you? Previous experience are part of who each of you are today.

More importantly though you need to realize one thing - no matter how many times he did whatever with whoever - this will be the first time hes done it with YOU. I'm sure, if he is all you say, he's appreciative of this fact. Apparently you are not. That's your problem not his, he can't change it, or convince you to remember that basic perspective fact. No matter how many times he's done it before he wants to do it with you now - it will, or would have, been special to him. Now its become a focal issue of your relationship, meriting consideration of termination your relationship.

What do you propose as a solution? Should you have a long discussion to determine all the lifestyle things he hasn't done and limit your activities to them so you too can experience that look of "new-ness" in his eyes? Suppose he doesn't like or want to do any of those things?

You make it hard to believe that this situation isn't all about you.

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RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 8:24:56 AM

BDsbabygirl

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mistoferin, I can see that in his eyes. What I do not see is "Hey! This is something new! Gee, cool! I'm so glad we discovered this together!"...see, plain and simple

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Collared by Master Big Daddy on Monday, 7/23/07 at 2:35pm

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RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 8:29:52 AM

EatMeDrinkMe

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I have just read through this thread with my jaw dropped. You clearly have issues. How can you realistically expect someone to not have a past? He should have been frozen in time until you appeared so you could be His first for everything? That is insane. You should really seek professional help for this. Jealously is consuming your life. He did not ruin anything, your f**ked brain ruined the fantasy. He seems patient, kind, loving, and willing to deal with issues that would have been a deal breaker for many. If I was Him and read through this thread you would be a gone ass. I do not care how hot you think you are and how lucky I would be to have you. Most submissives would give their right arm to find a Dom that is experienced, caring, kind, and listens to ideas we might have. You have found that and and just spit in His face. His experience and know how is what keeps you safe in many situations that He plans for you. I am going off on the wrong issue. This is not about Him or the things he has done. This is about you and your insecurities. You need to work through some things before you hurt someone deeply. It is clear as the nose on your face but you do not see it. I know you will skip over my response and shrug it off as you did mistoferin. I do not post much and not an ass kisser like many others. You are very disrespectful in your tone and how you refer to Him. You do not even see how but you are. You do not even see how you manipulate the whole relationship. He is lucky to have you? Pity such a good Dom went to such a ungrateful girl.

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RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 8:30:11 AM

feastie

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OP...

You cannot change what is in your Master's (or anyone else's) past. It is PAST. Gone, poof, done. If he wanted to be with any of those people, chances are, he'd be with them and not you. It doesn't matter if he's done something with someone else before you, it doesn't change that he's doing it with you now and loving you now.

Of course, those are just words and they aren't going to change anything for you. You have to change this about yourself, because it will sabotage your relationship. You've recognized it as a problem, now take the next step. Get some professional help. There's probably a name for what you're experiencing and there's probably exercises or even medication that can help you.

Finally, I've done a bit of research for you and come up with some links on this topic. I hope they help, but remember, they cannot replace professional help.

http://www.askdanandjennifer.com/relationship-advice/jealousy-and-insecurity-about-past-relationships/

http://www.romanceclass.com/advice/answer923

http://www.selfesteem4women.com/jealousy.php?ad=ov8

http://www.nomorejealousy.com/a-jealousy.htm

Good luck to you. Jealousy is painful.

I know.

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RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 8:32:27 AM

Cyntilating

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bottom-line in life is ( whether its vanilla or otherwise) that if you are always looking back ( living in the past ) you cannot move forward...and if you are always looking into the future you are missing TODAYS experiences and not seeing what is in front of you right now.

... and if you are analyzing, questioning, conditioning YOUR experiences with him as well as HIS with you...you are topping from the bottom.

...you are robbing yourself of all the wonderful experiences of surrender and of your submission, and you are doing a great disservice to the dominants time, energy and care. In a Ds relationship there can only be ONE dominant..which one is it in your relationship with him?

You are so worried about his past women and past experiences, I would think your time would be better spent worrying ( if you must worry about something ) about his future submissives and experiences without you .. that is where you are pushing him towards, with this kind of thinking and obsession/insecurity...

Live in the moment , follow his lead and bask in his past experience(s), soak it all up, surrender to his experience and guidance......or do not! but I hope you do decide, for the sake of both your happinesses and fullfillments in life.

Cyndi

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RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 8:32:35 AM

mistoferin

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic

quote:

Why would a man with any class keep discussing his past girlfriends with you? Even if it is a D/s relationship?

Haven't had a chance to read the whole thread, but I agree with Susan. In my age group a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell. Previous relationships are just that. The past. History. I would never even think about telling a new sub that I had done this or that with one of my earlier ones. This was considered simple etiquette at one time, but is apparently no longer the case.

Personally, I want to know every juicy detail of my partner's past. It is, after all, what made up the person before me. How could I ever expect to really "know" him without knowing his experiences? Not only do I want to know these things, if I love the man then I am thrilled to know that he had the opportunity to enjoy such wonderful, exciting times in his life. If something he shares was particularly good for him, it motivates me to try to recreate that experience for him again....or even expand upon it. I can't even begin to tell you some of the smokin' hot times I have had that began with a "have you ever?" talk. I don't need to know who the person involved was....but yeah, I want to know all about the "what".

Why would this be any different than the questions most subs get from dominants regarding my their own past? They all want to know your experiences, what you have done, what you haven't yet done and what you considered hot...or not.

< Message edited by mistoferin -- 7/29/2007 8:36:59 AM >

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RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 8:34:24 AM

LadyIce

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I am one of the few here that has similar feelings. I am uncomfortable with submissives
with extensive experience. I enjoy experiencing a lot of "firsts" with someone.

Have you ever considered a Dom with less experience?

I find submissives with limited experience to be delicious.

< Message edited by LadyIce -- 7/29/2007 8:36:21 AM >

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RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 8:36:13 AM

CutieMouse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BDsbabygirl

mistoferin, I can see that in his eyes. What I do not see is "Hey! This is something new! Gee, cool! I'm so glad we discovered this together!"...see, plain and simple

If it is *that* important to you to experience something that both of you have never ever done before, then explain that, and sit down and find something you both want, that neither of you have experienced before. There - you'll have your moment of magic that no one else can steal from you.

Now... what happens the other 8,967 times you are intimate with the man, where you see the "wow I get to do this with *you*!" look in his eyes, but it doesn't compare to the memory of XYZ "first time for both of us" activity? Will that one special sacred moment of being each other's first make all the other stuff better, or will you continue to dwell on how he loves to flog your ass, but it isn't nearly as special as you think it should be because he's flogged someone's ass before he met you?

(And for the record, I did request a general idea of how many partners the gentleman I'm currently with has had over his lifetime, just out of curiosity [good lord it was a high number], but he is well bred enough to never bring up former Lovers, or discuss the details of how he developed such a wicked list of "talents."

)

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RE: May Not Be Cut Out For This, After All...Jealousy - 7/29/2007 8:37:16 AM

SirDominic

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Susan, to be politically correct, we are elderly challenged. Actually, to my way of thinking, we are NOT old, we are of fine vintage.

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