Padriag
Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: plantlady64
Hello Sir's,
I'm hopeful you can help me with a question that's been very frustrating for me so far.
Just one? Wow, most have a laundry list! 
quote:
Why do large percentages of Dom's feel a sub must be subserviant to them if I'm not their sub?
I can answer in two ways. The first is to say that they have unrealistic expectations, and so far as it goes that is true in all the cases you speak of. That is to say, regardless of their motivations for having that expectation, they are expecting something that realistically they should not.
The second way I can answer is to point out that that group is not monolithic. That you are dealing with a spectrum of individuals who have differing motives for those expectations. Understanding those motivations may be useful to you in tailoring your response to something appropriate.
Certainly some of them are not dominant at all, but merely individuals who see claiming it as an easy means of getting laid. Thus their motivation is sexual desire without the attendant social ability to attract sexual partners.
Certainly some are mysogynistic individuals that seek to vent their hostility towards women in this way. Thus their motivation is anger, resentment and hostility.
Certainly some are novice dominants who are still learning to understand the dynamics of this alternative lifestyle, what the social rules are, what is considered good etiquette, and as a result of enthusiasm, excitement, and excuberance overstep themselves. Thus their motivation is simply trying too hard or moving too fast.
And certainly some are dominants who feel that a submissive should in some ways exemplify their submissive nature in their behavior. Thus their motivation is a particular point of view regarding submissives.
As you deal with each, it might be helpful to consider which you may be dealing with, and choose your response accordingly.
quote:
Is there some unwritten law that says if you choose to be a sub, you are to expect to be controlled by anyone who claims to be a Dom? In social parties, or even the Dungeon I go to I don't feel it should be necessary to be submissive to all Dom's. I don't understand why I must be in my role to people I don't respect, like or ever intend to submit to or play with. I don't show respect unless I feel their actions warrant that respect. Mind you I'm not mouthy or rude, I'm just not following their directions of me.
Hmmm... I see a few points in what you are saying that might shed light on things.
You describe yourself as a submissive, but then here you state "I don't understand why I must be in my role to people I don't respect" which raises the question, are you or are you not a submissive? I ask this because here too we are dealing with expectations. Being submissive is part of your nature, not a role... either you are or you aren't, but you don't flip it on an off like a light switch. Being submissive has nothing to do with whom you respect or don't respect, either you have a submissive nature or you don't. On the other hand a bottom does, precisely because what they do is a role they assume. Which do you think better describes you?
You also say, "I don't feel it should be necessary to be submissive to all Dom's." When you say be submissive, what does that mean to you?
To me, it means nothing more than a general submissive nature shown in your behavior, your personality. It does not, to me at least, mean any dominant can order you to play with them or serve them in anything more than a very general way (such as asking you to get them a drink or would you check an see if they're about to start serving the food, etc.), nor does it give them any liberty to touch you in anything other than an normal way (ie, no grabbing your ass, etc.). If we were at an event and I asked you to do some simple task (and assuming you weren't already doing something), I would expect you to do it... period. If you refused that would make me aware of something about you, I would make a mental note of it, and act accordingly in the future (in short I wouldn't waste my time asking you to do anything else again). On the other hand I would not expect you to engage in play, sexual service, etc. just because I'm dominant and you're submissive, that goes beyond reason and into the realm of personal relationships. Since no such relationship exists its absolutely unrealistic to expect the kinds of service that normally are part of such relationships.
In other words, this does not have to go to extremes either way. There is a middle ground where you do serve, but not in any extreme fashion, and where you may be expected to be submissive, but not beyond reason.
_____________________________
Padriag
A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer
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RE: Sub = Obedient sheep to all???? - 
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i did say that didnt i 
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