RE: Submission & Married Men (Full Version)

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LadyPact -> RE: Submission & Married Men (8/19/2007 2:36:09 PM)

Just to make a comment on your post, cj, and your situation.  The age factor, I'm sure, does add to your difficulty.  Really can't change that, or offer any help with that portion.
 
However, you are in a position that could certainly be of assistance to you in the fact that your wife knows and consents.  I've found the situation to be extremely rare.  Having a wife who is willing to meet/speak with a potential Dominant is definitely an asset.  That is the challenge that I always put to married men.  If I can't get that wife's consent, I'm done. 
 
At least you do have that advantage going for you.  I wouldn't suggest that you give up.



cj49230 -> RE: Submission & Married Men (8/19/2007 3:02:44 PM)

Yes, I know the age thing does add to the difficulty. I wish I could change that, but it is something we have no control over. My wife though, has always given her consent. I certainly give her a lot of credit for that. She has really been good about it. We are always honest and up front with each other so things work out very well in that respect.

I am always afraid to do any posting, because I am always afraid of someone taking it the wrong way, or trying to make it into something different than what I am trying to say.

Thank you for your reply. I apprieciate it.



DiannaVesta -> RE: Submission & Married Men (8/20/2007 11:46:28 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: cj49230

I am not one to post, but this topic has been a real interest to me. I am a married man, and also enjoy being submissive. My wife and I have discussed this over the years so many times. She is also submissive, and has no problems what so ever seeing her male dominants. She told me several times to go to alt.com, or other sites to try to find someone. I have been a member of different sites for at least 6 or 7 years, answered several ads, and always get the same answers. "You're married, and I don't play with married men, or I am looking for someone younger." You know how frustrating and how lost and empty it makes a person feel?

My wife even went so far as to post a couple of ads herself to try to find someone for me. She said she couldn't understand why it would be so hard to find someone, but she soon found out.  (That was like 3 years ago.) She only recieved two replies, and they were both from males.

I have tried so hard in the past to find a female dominant here in the lower Michigan area. I even changed my profile on the sites I am on to switch, because I do at times enjoy being dominant myself, or being a top.  I did a few years ago have a female Mistress and I truly loved it, but then she moved away, and I have not been able to find anyone since.  I have even told my wife that I might as well give up, but she says to keep trying and eventually it will happen.

I have been completely honest with everyone, and my wife has even offered to talk to them if I found someone. We are totally honest with each other, and don't hold anything back.  It just gets so discouraging though. You would think that after 6 or 7 years I would have found someone. I have recieved a couple of replies saying they wished I lived closer because they were like three or four states away.

I guess I just can not understand why so many are against a married man, especially if the wife is aware of everything, and is ok with it. You would think that being married, he would be safer, and he has much more to loose.

Submission is just something I enjoy. I am totally honest, respectable, and an all around decent and caring guy, but being older, (56) and being married  makes a big difference. 

A little over a year ago, we bought this new home, and then my wife got transfered with her job, so now, we live about 3 1/2 hours away from each other. We get to see each other every other weekend. She is constantly asking if I have had any luck yet, but the answer is always the same.  I really don't know what to think any more, but it sure is hurtful.

Chuck


Wow. There’s a lot going on here and I’m sure you know this already. I’m very sorry for what’s going on and truly sympathize with you on this. Its time for you to really find what inspires you. Most likely things will not last between you and your wife. Not the way things are now. You are at a time in your life that you should make a commitment to this journey. My heart tells me you’re ready.
 
You may not be able to find someone in your area. Focus on finding someone capable and that you “want” to worship and adore. Establish a spiritual foundation and then take the journey you’ve longed for all your life. Time and distant won’t matter any more and you’ll do what you need to do to make it happen.



DiannaVesta -> RE: Submission & Married Men (8/20/2007 11:59:25 AM)

Incidentally I recently began training a married man that was referred by his wife. After 30 years of marriage he confronted her and said that he could no longer keep his submission a secret and that he was prepared to end his marriage in order to explore this need. Its not that they had problems but that he had approached her several times and she wasn’t interested in exploring with him but said she was ok with him seeing professionals. Anyhow, years go by and although the professional sessions were sexually fulfilling he began to realize that he needed more.
 
So he explains this to his wife and she takes it upon herself to search and finds me. We actually even spoke on the phone a few times and I have him enrolled in Sex Slave Academy following the steps. It’s only been a few weeks but you can hear the peacefulness in his voice when we talk on the phone.
 
 This is much larger then kinky sex. I’m not dismissing the kinky desires many of you have or the journey in exploring them. Not at all… my OP and underlying agenda is that through authentic female domination (sensual, spiritual, D/s, etc.) a submissive man is able to find more balance. These men (and many women too) feel complete when they are owned and controlled. It gives them a sense of purpose in their lives and without it they feel lost, lonely and incomplete. No matter how kinky the sex or how many relationships they have it won’t settle them until they feel as if they are truly owned & loved.



thetammyjo -> RE: Submission & Married Men (8/20/2007 12:26:37 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: cj49230

Yes, I know the age thing does add to the difficulty. I wish I could change that, but it is something we have no control over. My wife though, has always given her consent. I certainly give her a lot of credit for that. She has really been good about it. We are always honest and up front with each other so things work out very well in that respect.

I am always afraid to do any posting, because I am always afraid of someone taking it the wrong way, or trying to make it into something different than what I am trying to say.

Thank you for your reply. I apprieciate it.


It sounds to me in terms of having an open and happy marriage where you each encourage and enable each other to find what you want, your marriage is great.

I don't know the scene community in southern michigan but have you both looked into joining munches or organizations?

I know often times states have a lot more going on than we might imagine until we look. Before I moved to Indiana I assumed it had next to nothing but it actually has a very active scene throughout the state and if one wants and can travel a couple of hours there is something to do at least twice a week if my IndianaBDSM list is any indication.



letterman20007 -> RE: Submission & Married Men (8/20/2007 3:08:54 PM)

I have been reading the last five pages of the discussion and was very impressed with the quaility, candor and courtesy displayed by everyone.

One issue that I think needs consideration is age and how we are affected as time passes.  Some of us mature and are willing to explore our sexuality over time, some of us do as soon as we can.

A product of the 60's and a 40's family style, sex was never discussed and intimacy some romatic notion for some men growing up.  Anything other then the missionary position was "perverted."  So when you got married, were you really in tune with your own sexuality and interests?

By the time you hit your 40's, you begin to either quit living or begin to question and wonder.  Over time stuff happens, children, jobs, promotions, wars, both good and bad things happen.

Who really can figure out what is "right" and "wrong."  I think the key is we really don't have all the answers, but are on a journey. 

I think we all face deicsions and my take is I really don't want to "hurt" anyone and destroy their lives.   




footsubdenver -> RE: Submission & Married Men (9/6/2007 8:54:32 AM)

I want to thank Mistress DiannaVesta for bringing this topic. I didn't read it till recently. As  a married male for 18 years with sub desires since I was young, I find that if I want to live my submission I am shunned. I always get rejected because I clearly mention I am married and I don't hide it or lie about it.

I have couple of thoughts that I hope doesn't offend any one. First why it is  wrong if I want to live my sub side as long as I  am taking care of my wife sexually and all other family needs? I think being married doesn't mean that my desires and wishes are not longer mine or my body can't be touched by another person when I feel to. For me I honor my commitment to my wife that I never had and will not have any intercourse with any other women even my domme so why there is reluctance from dommes to own me? I find it ironic that dommes doesn't look at it from another angle and see that a married man is committed to his family so he will be committed to her as a sub. I hope really dommes consider this point that training and owning a married sub will make him feel comfortable with his sub desires and learn how to please his wife with the learned sub skills too.

May be I am wrong with my thoughts. Anyway I hope I didn't upset any one.

Thanks again,
Footsub



MsSonnetMarwood -> RE: Submission & Married Men (9/6/2007 3:55:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: footsubdenver

I want to thank Mistress DiannaVesta for bringing this topic. I didn't read it till recently. As  a married male for 18 years with sub desires since I was young, I find that if I want to live my submission I am shunned. I always get rejected because I clearly mention I am married and I don't hide it or lie about it.


Yep, you do need to be upfront that you're married - but you're probably not going to get brownie points for honesty unless you're equally upfront with your wife. 

Regardess....a lot of lifestyle Dommes, for what are very valid reasons, don't accept a married man as a submissive.   That's their choice, and they are 100% entitled to make that choice for themselves.   After all - as the Dominant, it IS more about what they want and what the submissive can do for them, no? 

If needs be, there's a lot of threads on what a kinky bottom that wants things done to them, as opposed to a "submissive", who wants to find a Dominant so they can submit to the Dominant's will and desires.

quote:

  I have couple of thoughts that I hope doesn't offend any one. First why it is  wrong if I want to live my sub side as long as I  am taking care of my wife sexually and all other family needs? I think being married doesn't mean that my desires and wishes are not longer mine or my body can't be touched by another person when I feel to.


That really depends on what your wife's understanding of "being married" is.   Her opinon is equally important because you're both in the marriage.  Surely you would want some say in the matter if she choses to see other men, wouldn't you?

quote:

  For me I honor my commitment to my wife that I never had and will not have any intercourse with any other women even my domme so why there is reluctance from dommes to own me?
 

It depends on what kind of relationship the Domme in question is seeking.  While some are ok with their subs being in other relationships, some aren't.  While some Dommes aren't interested in being sexually intimate with the subs that serve them, many do want a full well-rounded relationship that includes sex.

quote:

 I find it ironic that dommes doesn't look at it from another angle and see that a married man is committed to his family so he will be committed to her as a sub. I hope really dommes consider this point that training and owning a married sub will make him feel comfortable with his sub desires and learn how to please his wife with the learned sub skills too.


There's where you kind of lose the big picture.  A man can't be fully committed to a Domme if serving her comes somehwere after taking care of his wife, his kids, his job, running to the grocery store to pick up milk, taking the dog for a walk, taking out the garbage.

You also seem to think that a Domme is more than happy to invest her time, her knowledge, her efforts, her "all", into training a sub to basically serve someone else.   Where is the benefit to HER in this scenario if it's more about making him happy and his wife happy?   Why would she invest her time in a married boy when there are loads of single boys she can train for herself?  

It goes back to the whole kinky bottom vs. submissive thing.   If it's more about you...and what you want...and how you will benefit from it...are you really looking for a Dominant?

The thing is - there's an awful lot of married men out there who want to serve a lifestyle domme, and very few lifestyle dommes who will accept married men as submissives.   So if you hope to find one, you have to be a little bit more realistic about what you have to offer, what you're going to do for her to make it worth her investing her time (showing up just isn't enough), and have a good plan on how you're going to market yourself so you are more appealing than the others in that long long LONG line of married boys seeking a lifestyle domme.  

This is why so many married men seek out a good prodomme - a lot less expectations on them.



DianeB269 -> RE: Submission & Married Men (9/6/2007 5:52:15 PM)

Married male subs=big trouble!!!!!!!!!



Diane



footsubdenver -> RE: Submission & Married Men (9/7/2007 10:17:59 AM)

Dear MsSonnetMarwood,
Thank you so much for the reply, thoughts, comments and suggestions. I do really appreciate that.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsSonnetMarwood
Regardess....a lot of lifestyle Dommes, for what are very valid reasons, don't accept a married man as a submissive.   That's their choice, and they are 100% entitled to make that choice for themselves.   After all - as the Dominant, it IS more about what they want and what the submissive can do for them, no?

I totally agree that the Domme is looking for what the sub can do and not visa versa

quote:


If needs be, there's a lot of threads on what a kinky bottom that wants things done to them, as opposed to a "submissive", who wants to find a Dominant so they can submit to the Dominant's will and desires.


So I can see that since I have desire I am a kinky bottom not submissive? But doesn't all of us have desires? I might be confused here but I know that I am a bottom.

quote:


You also seem to think that a Domme is more than happy to invest her time, her knowledge, her efforts, her "all", into training a sub to basically serve someone else.   Where is the benefit to HER in this scenario if it's more about making him happy and his wife happy?   Why would she invest her time in a married boy when there are loads of single boys she can train for herself? 


I might have things wrong regarding the benefits for the domme and the sub. I think that both benefit from the relationship and both are committing efforts, time , knowledge, etc. I agree single men out there have better chances than married men . I am confused about the comment that the sub shouldn't be happy,  personally if I am not happy and satisfied from any relationship why I am in it? So a domme /sub is one way relationship with no reciprocity?

quote:


It goes back to the whole kinky bottom vs. submissive thing.   If it's more about you...and what you want...and how you will benefit from it...are you really looking for a Dominant?


I think submissive doesn't mean that the person shouldn't or can't benefit from the relationship. Every one have needs and wants.

quote:


The thing is - there's an awful lot of married men out there who want to serve a lifestyle domme, and very few lifestyle dommes who will accept married men as submissives.   So if you hope to find one, you have to be a little bit more realistic about what you have to offer, what you're going to do for her to make it worth her investing her time (showing up just isn't enough), and have a good plan on how you're going to market yourself so you are more appealing than the others in that long long LONG line of married boys seeking a lifestyle domme.  


I am really grateful for the suggestions, setting realistic expectations, have a good marketing plan, and clearly identify the benefit for both parties really will help. I still believe it is an investment from both parties not one.

quote:


This is why so many married men seek out a good prodomme - a lot less expectations on them.


If they can afford it great, but that is not what I am looking for.

Thank you again. I starting to see things clearer now.



MsSonnetMarwood -> RE: Submission & Married Men (9/7/2007 5:11:36 PM)

quote:

quote:


If needs be, there's a lot of threads on what a kinky bottom that wants things done to them, as opposed to a "submissive", who wants to find a Dominant so they can submit to the Dominant's will and desires.

So I can see that since I have desire I am a kinky bottom not submissive? But doesn't all of us have desires? I might be confused here but I know that I am a bottom.


It's certainly not wrong to have desires, but you do want to analyze if it's more about you getting your fetish needs met or if it's more about you serving a Domme.  Knowing that is going to help you immensely when trying to find a Domme, whether she's lifestyle or pro.

quote:

quote:


You also seem to think that a Domme is more than happy to invest her time, her knowledge, her efforts, her "all", into training a sub to basically serve someone else.   Where is the benefit to HER in this scenario if it's more about making him happy and his wife happy?   Why would she invest her time in a married boy when there are loads of single boys she can train for herself? 

I might have things wrong regarding the benefits for the domme and the sub. I think that both benefit from the relationship and both are committing efforts, time , knowledge, etc. I agree single men out there have better chances than married men . I am confused about the comment that the sub shouldn't be happy,  personally if I am not happy and satisfied from any relationship why I am in it? So a domme /sub is one way relationship with no reciprocity?


I never said a sub shouldn't be happy.  While relationships should indeed be mutually satisfying, my point is that a Domme isn't likely to get invovled in a relationship that is ultimately more about making the sub happy and meeting his needs than it is about the Domme getting her needs met.   Well.  Not without charging him a hefty fee.

So you really need to see beyond what you want, and be more clear about what compelling reasons there are that a lifestyle Domme will overlook the obvious disadvantages you have (married, probably don't have the wife's blessing to find a Domme, only available on a limited schedule,  not really being able to be a part of each other's lives, inexperienced in the lifestyle, etc) and see what possible benefits there are that is "one better" than what all the other subs out there who are seeking have to offer.

quote:

quote:


It goes back to the whole kinky bottom vs. submissive thing.   If it's more about you...and what you want...and how you will benefit from it...are you really looking for a Dominant?

I think submissive doesn't mean that the person shouldn't or can't benefit from the relationship. Every one have needs and wants.


Sure.  But what you have to understand is that particularly at first, a Domme is going to be looking for what's in it for her.  Again, you're also starting in the negative because of your situation.

We Dommes, whether we're looking or not, regularly get approached by "subs" who basically give us a litany of what they want done for them.  Sometimes they literally write us a laundry list of what they want; other times, they're marginally more subtle. Most of us send such boys on their way because honestly - the line of boys who want to be "done" is very long and very indistinguished.

quote:

quote:


The thing is - there's an awful lot of married men out there who want to serve a lifestyle domme, and very few lifestyle dommes who will accept married men as submissives.   So if you hope to find one, you have to be a little bit more realistic about what you have to offer, what you're going to do for her to make it worth her investing her time (showing up just isn't enough), and have a good plan on how you're going to market yourself so you are more appealing than the others in that long long LONG line of married boys seeking a lifestyle domme.  

I am really grateful for the suggestions, setting realistic expectations, have a good marketing plan, and clearly identify the benefit for both parties really will help. I still believe it is an investment from both parties not one.
quote:


This is why so many married men seek out a good prodomme - a lot less expectations on them.

If they can afford it great, but that is not what I am looking for.

Thank you again. I starting to see things clearer now.
 

If finances are a concern, it's actually cheaper to see a prodomme than it is to be a consort of a lifestyle Domme.   It's a lot faster to get a session with a prodomme, it's a lot easier to find one that is kink-compatible, you'll get your fetish needs met, you can be reasonably assured that she'll keep a professional distance with you and won't show up at your home and boil the bunny.

With a lifestyle domme, you're going to have to find someone who is willing to work with your situation, something you've already realized is going to be difficult.  Then, hope you are compatible enough for there to be mutual interest beyond that, but not TOO compatible because she's not going to be your primary and you're not going to be hers, and you don't want it to go beyond a certain level.  You risk both of you getting hurt if it becomes more emotionally involved than you can feasibly be and keep it separate from your marriage.  You're going to have to court her, buy dinner out, some gifts, some toys for you both to enjoy.  If you choose the "wrong" person, you risk pissing her off, being outed, etc.

Whichever route you chose, remember that there is ALWAYS a price to be paid.





footsubdenver -> RE: Submission & Married Men (9/10/2007 8:36:47 AM)

Dear MsSonnetMarwood,
I see your point and I do really appreciate you openness, honesty and guidance. I'll will definitely follow you suggestions ans see where it will land me.

Again thank you so much, much appreciated.

Footsubdenver



ricar00 -> RE: Submission & Married Men (9/10/2007 1:20:34 PM)

i  have read all the posts in this thread, but what struck me was the statement: " No matter how kinky the sex or how many relationships they have it won’t settle them until they feel as if they are truly owned & loved."

i am a married submissive male married to a "vanilla woman".  We have been together 30 years now and i believe have a pretty good relationship.  We still talk, communicate, share a now grown-up child and her son, share and agree on a basic philosophy of life. She is a very kind and good woman.

Where we do not come together is in terms of my submissiveness/ masochism (heavy masochist) in terms of our marriage. The funny thing was that when we met at 30 i told her that i had gender issues, was kinky, submissive, masochistic though with limited experience, etc.  I told her about my previous marriage where my first wife thought i was a potential child molester because i wanted her to be my Mistress and i her slave.  In my young age I thought she might be dominant because she seemed to like control and because that was the prism i looked through in terms of a relationship. In our sexual relationship i asked her to slap me and hit me and she seemed to at least go along with it, though she seemed somewhat uncomfortable. She was not at all into bondage. So our life went on with "life issues", work, my daughter coming back to live with us, and all those things that a married couple goes through. 
For a long time I would bring up the issues of Mistress/slave, etc to discuss (and i know now that was the wrong approach), but it always seemed to be pushed back into the background.

When i discovered the Internet around 1990 or so, i immediately found people who were like me and i started to interact with dommes online, then phone, then finally meeting them in person for a weekend, etc. 
i tried to introduce my wife to BDSM again, through books that were recommended, etc but she didn't want to read them. We went through a lot of rough periods trying to discuss these things.  For many years i tried to pursuade her, tried to educate her about what i was about, etc and did learn that you can't force someone to be what they are not. i even tried to introduce her to my Mistress at the time but she said NO.
It took years to realize she is not kinky, not a dominant, doesn't like playing, is not interested and i think once i stopped trying to make her into something she didn't want to be, a lot of pressure was taken off her.  Now i try just to serve he the best i can in a vanilla way which is not easy all the time.

So, I started going outside the marriage because of my needs and discovered for me that submission to a Goddess, play, and D/s were just so right for me.  I realized it wasn't about the satisfaction of a kink or a fetish but my desire to connect and submit on a psychological, spiritual, and sexual as well as physical  to a woman, to a Goddess.  I do believe a lot if female supremacy as a guiding direction for my life and spirit.  My wife knew that i was exploring this aspect of myself, she encouraged the exploration, though i know she doesn't really like it herself or understand.  We spent many hours, painful hours trying discussing this. We sometimes asked each other if we should get divorced but always came back to the idea that our relationship was strong and worth it.

In the 17 years since i have had multiple Mistress online and in real time as well as many play partners. I tried to discuss these the details with my wife, tried to get her to meet some of these people, and have tried to be a better husband and submissive (in a vanilla way) to her.  For our relationship, telling her the details only drove her away and she does not want to know the details of what i do.  We went to a Kink Aware therapist, and other understanding therapists over the years.

What i started this post with was the fact that what i really want is to be truly owned and loved by a Goddess, one who understands what i am about and encourages my submission and adoration to her in all the ways i can give what she demands and desires from me.  i also realized that i am poly.  It took me years to recognize that BDSM wasn't just about being whipped or controlled or whatever, but a path to my very core. 

i love my wife, but she will never do this for me.  i know that. She fulfills other things that i treasure.

i have received a lot of criticism because i am "cheating". My wife knows what she wants to know and we have reached some sort of balance. Not perfect, not always good (we have discussed divorce before but neither of us want that), but just real.

I guess i appreciate this thread because it addresses for me a paramount issue in my life and i think a lot of others.

I have recently met and agreed to submit myself to a Goddess.  She is amazing and i hope that we will develop a relationship over a long time.  I am so happy about it.

I am sorry that i rambled on.





PhDslave -> RE: Submission & Married Men (9/10/2007 4:31:09 PM)

This is a tough one for me.  DianeB says that married subs are trouble and they probably are.   However, if i had been able to meet Dianna Vesta, i might have been able to save my marriage. 



cj49230 -> RE: Submission & Married Men (9/10/2007 6:52:34 PM)

Now, see, you are putting all married men in the same position.  I don't really think that is fair. Maybe many married men are or would be trouble, but not all. For myself and my better half, it works just fine. Neither of us try to hide anything from each other, and since she is also submissive,  she prefers that I see someone else.

She knows everything that goes on, who I am meeting, and where I am.  There is no reason for hiding anything from her. I am totally honest with everything to her and always have been. Just like when she goes to meet her Sir. I have no problems with that either. I believe it helps keep our marriage together and more interesting. 

Maybe most married men or even women for that matter, are trouble, but certainly not all of them.  It's like you are saying well, you are married, so you shouldn't have any fun. As long as husband and wife both approve, and respect each other, why not be happy and be able to enjoy yourself? 

Cj 



subcouplenyfl -> RE: Submission & Married Men (9/13/2007 6:29:03 PM)

Very interesting.... i think i should get my wife to read this over the weekend.

noel



glassdoll -> RE: Submission & Married Men (9/14/2007 3:01:55 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DiannaVesta

I recently posted this at Femsupreme and wanted to get your views here too.

I’ve discussed this topic before a bit but wanted to once again revisit it. Over the years my ideas and concerns have changed. At first I had a hard time seeing married men and at one point refused, however as of late I have taken a very active interest in married men and training them. It’s actually a spiritual feeling I get over the whole thing and without sounding crazy that is exactly what I’m suppose to be doing.
 
So let’s take “Mike”, for example. He has been married for 20 years, has children and has had an interest in female domination most of his life. He’s gone to see professionals, has had affairs that conflicted with his marriage and tired desperately to push his feelings away. He might be successful with this for a time but feelings of guilt and frustration quickly cloud his world. He often battles with depression and mood swings. It affects his entire world. He fantasizes about escaping, leaving his family and living as a slave where all of his worries are erased away. It’s an ongoing trap where no one is fulfilled; not Joe or his family.
 
So I accept Mike for training. Training requires a commitment, so to speak to follow through various tasks. He is asked to build an altar not to worship so much as a daily point of focus. Now you’re thinking how can he so this with a family, right? An altar is simple a place in his home or office that he keeps fresh flowers and maybe a candle. Nothing metaphysical but a place he must look at daily and close his eyes to repeat (to himself) a short incantation. He is also given other task and taught various lessons in manners, massage, adoration, respect for women and even his diet. Mike has been overweight and not as healthy as he should be due to life’s stresses. He follows the lessons and he is also rewarded with the ability to safely and discreetly explore his fantasies in a cerebral and non-threatening capacity. He is asked to practice and perform simple acts of adoration for his wife. He can still feel the balance of being owned, his fantasy and yet it integrates with his existing lifestyle. Within a few months Mike feels better about himself and his relationship with his wife has become enhanced. Maybe not to the point where he can confess his submissive needs but in his daily actions.
 
I’ve seen positive results from this.
 
So I’m wondering your thoughts and feelings on this subject. If you’re a man that has served a mistress and felt that it’s enhanced your life then I would like to here from you too. Or if you do not have a mistress, you are married and have found your fantasies to conflict with your relationship and everyday life in some fashion or another.
 
 
 



I now adore you. It is awesome to keep him focused on his marriage and to teach him to appreciate his wife more. Keep doing what you do. XOOXOX Glassdoll.



LightHeartedMaam -> RE: Submission & Married Men (9/14/2007 11:24:11 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy

I think what you are doing is a good thing. In my view, its not your job to be the outer-moralist or decisionmaker in another's marriage. Also, by helping someone get things outside of his marriage that he cannot get inside of it, you may be doing some real good.

Naturally, I think you need to show some sensitive judgment about his marriage and where the boundaries are, but helping someone experience BDSM discreetly (when he needs to be discreet) isn't ipso-faco facto wrong, immoral, or "crossing the line." Also, there is something to be said for more happiness and experience promotes a greater good.

Ideally, all folks getting extra-marital attention would be "poly." But, you and I both know: 1) we don't live in an ideal world; 2) full disclosure and honesty are not always the best policies; and 3) sometimes even a married person needs to act as an individual.

What's good about your relationship is: 1) you won't get pregnant (no intercourse, I imagine); 2) you won't give him any STDs; 3) you seem to be taking a developmental approach with him in your domination.

Downside risks: Could threaten his marriage. You might get the blame for it.

----

I'll close out too with this Dan Savage pearl of wisdom:

One thing that hasn't changed in the wake of Sewell's book is my advice to women with low libidos: You can have strict monogamy or you can have a low libido, but you can't have both. If monogamy is a priority, you're gonna have to put out, i.e., regular vaginal intercourse and the occasional tide-him-over handjob and/or blowjob, cheerfully given. If all you wanna do is sit there and eat chocolate, you're gonna have to turn a blind eye to lap dances and mistresses and happy endings and the return of trade, i.e., gay guys giving NSA (no strings attached) head to straight guys.

One may substitute "no kink" or "no BDSM" for "low libido."

"Put out" might also include the occasional "bondage scene" or "spanking."


Good quote, cloudboy and right on.

I'm one of those god awful married Dommes involved with a married man.  We are on the same page as to why we are involved- it's because we enjoy the BDSM M/s dynamic.

Where I see that the major problem with married people involving themselves within the lifestye are those who waste the time of single people.  I can see where they (the singles) get pissed.

When we were young, the option of open marriage or poly was just considered "cheating with permission".

I have been Domme to a married man for 11 years.  When a man is in his 50+ years, he's not about to leave his wife and kids for BDSM.  My slave DID tell his wife aobut his interests years ago.  They tried both sides to no avail.  When you marry someone and know them for several years as "wife and mother" or "husband and father"- it is very difficult to get into the M/s dynamic with that in mind. It's easier with someone you have known only as your Domme with no history of your "other life".

I know where those that say Be Honest and Tell Your Partner Everything are coming from.  I was exactly the same way 25 years ago.  The saying "never say never" was always poo-pooed by me.  To some just looking at another is cheating.  Life has a way of being it's own teacher.  I do things now I never thought I would when I was a "very certain" young adult.

I have always been respectful of his "other life".  That has always taken precidence.  I am not a pro but I'm still damn good in what I do. [;)]  One benefit of our relationship is that he's not paying out funds that belong to the household for his secret.  He had gone to pros for years prior to meeting me.  My "tribute" comes when he looks like he has lost 20 years off his face when we have finished a session and him knowing he has a friend he can always count on to understand this small portion of his personality without judgement,  as he understands mine.



TeeGO -> RE: Submission & Married Men (9/15/2007 8:03:25 PM)

WOW!!! This has been a great thread.  Goddess Diana Vesta you've nailed it I think.  I am FINALLY divorced, now owned by a lifestyle/proDomme/Poly/Open woman. So I have a more open view of things.  But, to help a submissive married man, while at the same time strengthening his marriage, that is a VERY good thing.



blmtrsne -> RE: Submission & Married Men (9/16/2007 8:28:26 AM)

My husband offered himself as my slave in 1988. I accepted but made him very clear that I would not play his games. So or Femdom-relation for me means he's doing a lot of housework, and I'm the one to take decissions. I've trained him to wait for my commands in bed as wel, so he wil pamper me but within limits I decided. He has got enough freedom to do his householdjobs, but reports to me. And he has to be pro-active: I'm the center of his thoughts, so he surprises me with little attentions because he is trying to know what I like, so that I don't have to command all the time.
I'm happy with that.

blmtrsne



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