proudsub
Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SusanofO
Phin: To answer your statements about why past or current cheaters seem mysteriously absent from this discussion:
I think the cheaters (or anyone who has cheated) are probably bored with this whole discussion. I was once a cheater (I had what I thought were pretty damn good reasons for it, too, not that it matters), and I can tell you these kinds of "holier-than-thou" pronouncements some have made in past CM discussions about this matter are usually made by people who are:
1) - Not (or have never been) married, or who are:
2) - Divorced.
Personally, I find their opinion in this kind of matter to be:
1) Naive
2) Highly judmental, (which is kinda strange, coming from a group that proclaims to not judge others for what they do at almost every other turn).
3) Nosy
4) A turn-off
Everyone is entitled to their opinion and "values" - too bad the values of some don't seem to include kindness or understanding, or especially bothering to realize that everyone is living their own life, under different circumstances.
I've seen this discussion at CM about a hundred times now. There is no way to actually discuss anything. It's akin to a bunch of people, proclaiming they are "against murder" -
*it's always easy to say, until you're in the middle of a 7-11 store, for instance, and a robber has a gun pointed at your head (and for anyone who can't tell, I am not equating cheating with murder).
People's opinions on this issue seem pretty much firm. And of course they are entitled to them. Fine.
My attitude is: Been there, done that.
Sorry if I've offended anyone. I honestly have nothing against anyone personally here at CM, it's just that this discussion never goes anywhere. Maybe it will this time. If it does, I will fall off my chair in surprise, though.
I am encouraged more people in this thread have tossed in comments that state they seem to indicate they refuse to judge people they don't know, and-or are simply content to live their own lives as they see fit, without telling everyone else how to live theirs, as well. Nice.
My advice: If people don't appreciate cheaters, then they don't have to play with them. Maybe I am wrong about this. If so, someone please correct me.
Have they damaged others? No doubt. So have murderers, people who engage in un-safe BDSM play, and a whole host of other groups of folks. What's new? And?
- Susan
Thank you Susan. I am getting tired of telling my story on every "married" post. But i will say my cheating actually ended up strengthening our marriage.
I also liked this post because it described me pretty well:
quote:
Another way to look at things: two people in the late 1970s/Early 1980s get married- either in college or just after. (1968 for us) They are in love, and they think that their partner will fit into the life they imagine at 22. They begin a family and they begin careers. They have rough times and good times. Twenty-five years (34 for us)pass. The house is almost paid for. They are closing in on retirement. The UMs are out of the house or old enough so the parents are simply the wallets on the periphery.
Then one partner "suddenly decides" they want something more. Now everyone here knows it's not sudden, it was years of thoughts/desires/cravings. Perhap they were 30 when the cravings started... so it's been 17-20 years that they have imagined submission or domination as a part of their life. One partner wants an experience (and one which is inheirently sexual) that is considered inappropriate by most societal standards. (Bondage? Sodomy? Play that has the word torture in it? CBT/NT...) So this person hints at it with their partner, possibly mentioning the most gentle of acts: "how about a blindfold during sex this week honey?" Then they are chastized, and possibly not get any that week. Or the next. Their partner is emotionally invested in their status quo, and feel genuinely hurt by the need for something more. Why aren't they enough anymore? Is it because they are growing older? You can see the partner's point of view. They married someone under a certain scenarion. They held up their end of the bargain. For 25 years they lived the life they agreed to. They think it's not fair that things change now. And our egos as we approach 50 can be fragile things.
So now one partner has things they want, things they didn't even know they wanted before they got married, things which aren't possible with their partner. Now they don't want to leave their partner. They really don't want to hurt their partner. They love this person. They want to stay married and preserve those years, those memories. They don't want to upset the applecart, hurt their children, lose their job, or anything else. They just want to explore those cravings of bdsm. They don't want to die and feel like there is something they haven't done.
It doesn't matter what gender the explorer is. How do you do it without hurting your partnership? (Unless you have been in a really long marriage, don't tell me that exploring doesn't hurt the relationship. There comes a time when buying the wrong shampoo hurts the relationship- or at least causes unpleasant friction... because nothing is as fun as spending an evening defending yourself that you still love this person, even though you don't care enough to pay atttention enough to what their needs are- even when it comes to shampoo. Sound trivial- it is, except when one's self esteem is bound to another in that fashion.)
Just put yourself, for a moment, in their shoes- and tell me what you think a solution is.
_____________________________
proudsub
"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .
"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan
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RE: MARRIED MEN AND THE SCENE - 
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