RE: baggage

RE: baggage (Full Version)

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defiantbadgirl -> RE: baggage (8/28/2007 11:18:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: chellekitty nope, i was refering to your profile... My comment about having a dark side refers to my kinky nature. I say I'm looking for someone who is unattached because poly isn't my thing. As far as not being able to re-locate, I'm a non traditional student who won't be moving anywhere until I'm done with college. Also, the please be from Kansas is meant to discourage out of state wankers.that live too far for it to be anything more than online. I don't want online. I want the real thing. So please enlighten me as to what is wrong with my profile.

chellekitty -> RE: baggage (8/28/2007 11:34:33 PM)
ummm its like a joke or an insult...if you have to explain it, its not effective...you have nothing about you personally, what makes you different or original or appealing, you have nothing about what you're looking for personally...its bland and if i were a dominant male looking for monogamous relationship in Kansas, i would keep looking...but...thats just me...take it for what you will

Estring -> RE: baggage (8/28/2007 11:51:30 PM)
I assume that most people have had failed relationships through the years. I sure have. Failed relationships are not baggage. As Domiguy said, I don't know of a single guy who would consider that baggage. I do consider bitterness, or woe is me as baggage. Or strange behaviour or propensity for drama as baggage as well. My slave had a 30 year nightmare of a marriage before meeting me. Yet there is no baggage because she left it in the past and it doesn't affect our relationship. It may be that the guys you meet aren't concerned with your failed relationships, but more so in how they are affecting their possible involvement with you.

SmokingGun82 -> RE: baggage (8/28/2007 11:53:04 PM)
Excessive baggage is a pain in the ass to deal with. I'd rather avoid it, personally. At the same time, I don't claim to know if someone has excessive, ass pain baggage without getting to know them at least a little better than through their profile alone. After a few conversations though I usually have an idea of the level of baggage we're talking about. I think we all have at least a little bit of emotional baggage... it's the degree that matters to me. If all you (used universally) ever want to talk about is bad things that have happened in your life, then really, find someone else. I'm going to have to plant myself firmly in the "Don't enable people who refuse to let go of shit" camp on this one.

chellekitty -> RE: baggage (8/29/2007 12:13:44 AM)
on the other hand.......btw....why is there always an other hand.... i have a lot of land mines...my emotional past is full of trauma and sometimes something gets inadvertenly stepped on that i had no idea about and i fall to pieces...without knowing why...i have to have time to regroup, go ok, what the fuck just happened, ok, its that..not this...i am ok now, nope, it wasn't you...lets not go there again...and move forward...and i believe that to have informed consent you have to have information...and if someone is going to consent to get into a relationship with me...they should be informed that there is a whole bunch of burried b.s. in my head because i had no coping skills for the first 20 or so years of my life to deal with all the shit that happened...so...once i am serious about someone...i go...you should know.....not only x, y and z but l, m, n, o, p, q, r, s, t, u, and v happened too...i have done a, b, c, d, e, f, and g, to deal with it...more might pop up, in fact probably will, and i will have to do a, c, e and g to get through it with the possibility of h, i and j (running out of letters here)...if you want to help me through it, great, if not...call 1, 2 or 3 (ah ha...there are an infinite number of those) is this baggage? maybe? but i think its like a back pack if it is...manageable...i'm not calling uhaul every time i want to go somewhere... anywho... enough ramblings....maybe i can do something crazy...like sleep tonight... chelle...who is all excited...cause thousands of her closest friends are starting to come in to town in less than 12 hours lol....

Tigrita -> RE: baggage (8/29/2007 12:16:16 AM)
If someone doesn't have baggage they are either a liar or a virgin. But by baggage, I just mean that our past relationships of course influence our future ones. It is a fundamental part of how the brain works (I actually am a neuroscientist, seriously), we encode experiences and they form/reinforce pathways that are supposed to protect us from future harm or point us towards positives. How we handle baggage is another story. Some can handle it in healthy ways (and it is perfectly healthy, and beneficial to have some baggage, it can be a good compass if you know how to read it), some allow it to be destructive to new or potential relationships. Personally, I don't do the "what if" thing. I can't speak to whether people would be better off without the hard knocks or not, there are just too many infinite things to wonder about and rationalize once you start going down that road. But geeze people, why not give a helping hand instead of a cold shoulder? What can possibly be wrong with that? People will get knocks enough, even with people looking out for them, might as well lend knee pads here and there when you can, the elbows will still get it in due course if it makes you feel any better.

SmokingGun82 -> RE: baggage (8/29/2007 12:20:33 AM)
Of course past relationships will influence future ones. There's a difference between influence and control, though... and I've known too many people (and at one point been one of them) that let past relationships, and the baggage they turned into, control them, or become the biggest and most important part of a relationship.

chellekitty -> RE: baggage (8/29/2007 12:20:35 AM)
so to put it very very simply...if we got our subs from the subs-in-a-bubble shop we would be constantly taking them to the hospital, physical and mental? chelle... who doesn't catch people who are falling...that only makes me fall with them...but will be the first to offer them a helping hand up... edited to add: holy crap, i just noticed i have a paddle, i have a paddle, subbie with a weapon, woohoo...who wants to be my first victim?

adoracat -> RE: baggage (8/29/2007 12:36:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: chellekitty on the other hand.......btw....why is there always an other hand.... i have a lot of land mines...my emotional past is full of trauma and sometimes something gets inadvertenly stepped on that i had no idea about and i fall to pieces...without knowing why...i have to have time to regroup, go ok, what the fuck just happened, ok, its that..not this...i am ok now, nope, it wasn't you...lets not go there again...and move forward...and i believe that to have informed consent you have to have information...and if someone is going to consent to get into a relationship with me...they should be informed that there is a whole bunch of burried b.s. in my head because i had no coping skills for the first 20 or so years of my life to deal with all the shit that happened...so...once i am serious about someone...i go...you should know.....not only x, y and z but l, m, n, o, p, q, r, s, t, u, and v happened too...i have done a, b, c, d, e, f, and g, to deal with it...more might pop up, in fact probably will, and i will have to do a, c, e and g to get through it with the possibility of h, i and j (running out of letters here)...if you want to help me through it, great, if not...call 1, 2 or 3 (ah ha...there are an infinite number of those) is this baggage? maybe? but i think its like a back pack if it is...manageable...i'm not calling uhaul every time i want to go somewhere... anywho... enough ramblings....maybe i can do something crazy...like sleep tonight... chelle...who is all excited...cause thousands of her closest friends are starting to come in to town in less than 12 hours lol.... i was reading this thread thinking the EXACT same thing!! i had ugliness in my past. and because of that ugliness, if you do X, i'm going to react in Y fashion. i KNOW its not you. i'm not saying it is. i'm saying my inner programming says "ok, if he raises his voice, the next thing he's going to raise is his fist". after 15 years with a man who has NEVER laid a hand on me in anger, i have finally stopped reacting to HIM that way. Sir....has seen me cringe. and its heartbreaking to him, and i KNOW he wouldnt hurt me like that. and yep, he knew this going in, and accepted me anyway. tis not so much about the baggage as informed consent and how much the other person is willing to deal with. i'm very fortunate in that. kitten, who's been having Dreams of things lately and hates it....

susie -> RE: baggage (8/29/2007 1:19:50 AM)
FR Everyone has some sort of life experience. It is impossible to get to being an adult without it. The most important thing is what you as an individual do with that experience. Some of those experiences will be bad and some good but they all add up to the person we are now. Baggage comes when you cannot see the bad for what it is, learn from it, and move on. It is baggage because you take it with you and do not leave it behind. To the OP, I am sorry to say that although I know you had a bad experience in a relationship you do appear to have taken that on with you. It is even obvious from many of your posts here that it is something that is influencing the way you look at future relationships. Perhaps this is what comes over to those potential Doms that you contact.

eyesopened -> RE: baggage (8/29/2007 1:23:57 AM)
Just this past weekend i had an interesting airplane trip where we actually had to circle around and return to the gate immediately after take-off. In the process of being transfered to another flight in what we hoped was an airplane that was capable of flight i noticed many things. First... the alternate carrier told me only one of my two checked bags had been transfered. i don't take carry-on luggage. i hate to have to lug it around. now one of the two bags is "missing"... but ya know what? i really felt that not being referred to as "the remains" was way more important than the inconvenience of having to perhaps buy some replacement items. i watched people lug their bags to the plane and desperately try to shove them in the overhead compartments because gods forbid that bag get "lost" like mine did. The size of the bag obviously never has fit in the overhead but the people insist on trying to take it with them because they are so afraid it could get lost. We use the term "baggage" because the comparison to a traveler's luggage fits so well. Why are some people so afraid to let go of those bags? They lug them around the airport they are a major inconvenience, they slow down the security line, they block the aisles on the plane, they cause delays in getting off the plane. So it is with emotional baggage.... how much you decide to carry is proportionate to the inconvenience you will cause yourself and others. Let it go... check it at the gate. What's the worst that can happen? That you actually lose some of it? Compared to the possibility of my plane falling like a boulder in the sky, walking to the lost luggage room at the airport seemed like a small thing, not worth getting upset about. The bag was there... i had a fabulous time and all is right with the world. Perception is reality and if you can't change your reality you can always change your perception.

MstrSkyWoIf -> RE: baggage (8/29/2007 1:37:38 AM)
[:)] It is our life experiance that makes us who we are.... I may not always like what has happend in my past, However I like myself..... so I don't think I would change anything, even if I could because if I did I would not be me.

Bobkgin -> RE: baggage (8/29/2007 2:43:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl Why is it that so many people bash anyone on here that tries to help submissives look for red flags? I have seen such threads several times and always with the same reaction. Submissives need to learn from their own mistakes. Getting their heart broken a few times will teach them common sense. The problem with this reasoning is that although they may learn from these bad experiences, what good does it do them if because of these lessons everybody thinks they need to learn, nobody wants them? That's right, I'm talking about baggage. The favorite reason of so many men to refuse to get to know a woman. If a woman treated a man badly and made him suffer for the actions of other men before him, I could understand. But many times, men don't get to know a woman long enough to find out whether or not she will take anything out on them. They find out she has had a few failed relationships, ASSUME she will do this, and run. If a woman has a mentor, she's weak and incapable of making her own decisions. If she learns from experience, she has baggage. Learning from one's own mistakes might have been the best way for women years ago, but now it's a double edge sword. D, I don't make assumptions based on a sub/slave having had previous relationships/experiences. I let her present herself as she wishes, and then I ask questions to learn more about where she is and where she wants to go. As for those who run based on assumptions: they're really doing you a favour. Best to know who lacks patience/interest in helping you early, rather than after you've invested time and trust in them. I have helped many women overcome bad experiences, but the number one red flag I've detected is low self-esteem on the part of the sub/slave: it paints a bright red bullseye on their forehead and will likely attract victimizers who read her ad. So my primary advice to sub/slaves is to prepare an ad that doesn't shout desperation. My next piece of advice is to remember that nothing happens until the sub/slave decides she is ready and willing to meet. So don't until you really are ready. Part of getting ready is to get to know the other person as a person. Learn about his ethics, morals, past experiences, goals and intentions. It is important to keep in mind that while bound, a sub/slave's life is literally in the hands of the one who bound her. Thus it is important that there be a thorough understanding of the individual who is going to hold that power over you. Third: be completely honest and candid with the individual you are considering for this position in your life. He (assuming he is sincere) will need to know what you are seeking, your limits, and your hopes and aspirations. Essentially, he's going to want to know about you what you want to know about him. Trust is a two way street. That being said, I am not advocating the release of personal information that could be used to harm you. That kind of information can be released as you feel trust for the individual in question. Fourth, don't rush the interview process. Those who are looking for quick and easy sex are not as likely to wait out a lengthy process as someone who is sincere (bear in mind, these are all generalities and there may well be exceptions). Be as thorough and patient as if you were interviewing someone to take care of young children. The degree of helplessness of a bound woman is akin to that of young children under the care of an individual. Finally, keep in mind it is always possible for someone to sneak in under the radar. I don't think anyone has yet discovered a fool-proof plan for catching all of those who would hurt you in a bad way. When you've been hurt in this way, do not go back, do not blame yourself. Do not assume the second time will be better than the first. There is nothing wrong with trust. The wrong is in the one who betrayed the trust. Or as the saying goes: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." Don't be fooled more than once by the same person. I hope that helps.

utterlybutterfli -> RE: baggage (8/29/2007 3:17:28 AM)
..snip....What I'm saying is, people like to ASSUME someone is going to take bad experiences out on them. They don't even have to do anything. Just the knowledge that a sub has experienced failed relationships sets off the "warning, drama, baggage" bell in a man's mind and he runs the other way.... 'People', in my experience do not usually 'assume' that rational, intelligent adults will take bad experiences out on them. The 'people' that we are talking about here (Dominant men -we have a common interest, DBG), that I have discussed issues that have arisen in past relationships, are listening quite carefully to my take on the issue to find out what I perceive was the problem. Believe me, BELIEVE me, the fact that I am single now means that I have a 100% 'failure rate' in my relationship history. Relationships 'fail' for all sorts of reasons and thats not a bad thing, or we'd all be married to our first girlfriend/boyfriend. And that would just be terrible for me - I mean - he was a nice chap, but sometimes what we want when we are 14 is not what we want in our late twenties. The uncanny thing, DBG, is that even though I have an appalling (100% looks pretty bad when you write it down) rate of failure men still want to get to know me. Because the truth is, I probably do have some baggage. I have insecurities, I have a few trust issues - I have a few more emotional limits than I did when I was 21. But I think men, the good ones anyway, are going to assume that normal women do have chinks, tender spots, issues, whatever. Theres nothing about my submissive nature or a man's Dominant nature that means we don't/can't mess up. Its how we deal with this stuff that I think people judge us by. Some people, have lots of heavy and painful baggage. I would suggest anyone- Dom/sub/switch/vanilla - with real emotional or psychological issues resulting from a past relationship stop looking for a significant other and get some help. Lovers/partners/playthings are not therapists. I think your post is doing a great disservice to Dominant men, and frankly to submissive women too. I have learned from my own mistakes and getting my heart broken, although hardly pleasant at the time didn't do me any harm in the long run. It made me who I am today. And the Dominant man I'm currently dating wouldn't have me any other way .[:D]. Writing on a public forum in pink isn't doing you any favours by the way - subconsciously (or consciously _ in my case_) people think the writing in coloured ink is a sign of madness Edited for terrible spelling and syntax

ExSteelAgain -> RE: baggage (8/29/2007 3:19:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: eyesopened Just this past weekend i had an interesting airplane trip where we actually had to circle around and return to the gate immediately after take-off. In the process of being transfered to another flight in what we hoped was an airplane that was capable of flight i noticed many things. First... the alternate carrier told me only one of my two checked bags had been transfered. i don't take carry-on luggage. i hate to have to lug it around. now one of the two bags is "missing"... but ya know what? i really felt that not being referred to as "the remains" was way more important than the inconvenience of having to perhaps buy some replacement items. i watched people lug their bags to the plane and desperately try to shove them in the overhead compartments because gods forbid that bag get "lost" like mine did. The size of the bag obviously never has fit in the overhead but the people insist on trying to take it with them because they are so afraid it could get lost. We use the term "baggage" because the comparison to a traveler's luggage fits so well. Why are some people so afraid to let go of those bags? They lug them around the airport they are a major inconvenience, they slow down the security line, they block the aisles on the plane, they cause delays in getting off the plane. So it is with emotional baggage.... how much you decide to carry is proportionate to the inconvenience you will cause yourself and others. Let it go... check it at the gate. What's the worst that can happen? That you actually lose some of it? Compared to the possibility of my plane falling like a boulder in the sky, walking to the lost luggage room at the airport seemed like a small thing, not worth getting upset about. The bag was there... i had a fabulous time and all is right with the world. Perception is reality and if you can't change your reality you can always change your perception. Cool story. All of us over 18 have pasts. In these days and times women are even allowed to remarry after a divorce. Imagine that.

wandersalone -> RE: baggage (8/29/2007 4:40:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl That's why I say forget the school of hard knocks and go for a mentor instead. That way you can't be accused of having "baggage" just because you have been in relationships that didn't work out. I am trying to connect the dots here and failing miserable....how does having a mentor prevent someone from being accused of having baggage? They may be able to provide you with some insight into unhelpful patterns in the same way that any person who knows you a little more than superficially will be able to however I am not sure that they can prevent other people from having their own thoughts and feelings about your past relationships. I will end with some sage advice -do what works for you, if it isn’t working stop doing it and focus less on searching for the impossibly perfect dom and focus instead on becoming the woman you would pick to be in a relationship with if you were one of these amazing doms. [:)] Oops, I didn’t answer the question ‘Why is it that so many people bash anyone on here that tries to help submissives look for red flags’…my own feeling is that sometimes we spend so much time trying to rescue others and prevent them from using their own brains and instincts that we then run the risk of helping them to remain unable to make sound decisions and choices.

Cyntilating -> RE: baggage (8/29/2007 4:45:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Estring I assume that most people have had failed relationships through the years. I sure have. Failed relationships are not baggage. As Domiguy said, I don't know of a single guy who would consider that baggage. I do consider bitterness, or woe is me as baggage. Or strange behaviour or propensity for drama as baggage as well. My slave had a 30 year nightmare of a marriage before meeting me. Yet there is no baggage because she left it in the past and it doesn't affect our relationship. It may be that the guys you meet aren't concerned with your failed relationships, but more so in how they are affecting their possible involvement with you. well, actually this one does see quotes...[Ill agree with defiant, young hard bodies and minds not jaded with baggage of failed relationships...sometimes a blanker slate is easier to work with ] <<that was on the prior thread about " older vs younger subs, who has the edge?" ... and one of the threads that started the "baggage" debate, it appears...

taintedgypsy -> RE: baggage (8/29/2007 4:54:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: domiguy dbg....I really have no idea what you are alluding to here....As I get older I just assume that all of the women that I meet have a past....Some have made it down the driveway others several times around the block....If we see eye to eye it's all good....If we don't click then it ain't going to happen. Just because you have a past does not mean that it is baggage.... When men talk of baggage most of them are referring to kids...If someone is emotionally banged up? Then it depends on the degree and how much someone is willing to help and what kind of patience is demanded to help someone get back up on their feet or knees. But fucked up...Is still fucked up....No one likes to deal with fucked up...They might fuck it or have it blow them...But few hang around and deal with fucked up unless they tend to be fucked up as well. Never really saw the advantage to be fucked up before this post, but at least if I meet one with these ideas the worse that can happen is 5mins of sexual activity (am I being generous here) and no chance of him hanging arround ... I can see the advantage in that.

AquaticSub -> RE: baggage (8/29/2007 9:49:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl Why is it that so many people bash anyone on here that tries to help submissives look for red flags? Because it assumes we need help and promotes a culture of dependancy on the nice, never mean, dominants who will take care of us. Frankly I don't care. All the information on that thread could have been found easily be using the search function or on any of the warning lists provided by internet dating services. quote: I have seen such threads several times and always with the same reaction. Submissives need to learn from their own mistakes. Getting their heart broken a few times will teach them common sense. The problem with this reasoning is that although they may learn from these bad experiences, what good does it do them if because of these lessons everybody thinks they need to learn, nobody wants them? That's right, I'm talking about baggage. The favorite reason of so many men to refuse to get to know a woman. If a woman treated a man badly and made him suffer for the actions of other men before him, I could understand. But many times, men don't get to know a woman long enough to find out whether or not she will take anything out on them. They find out she has had a few failed relationships, ASSUME she will do this, and run. If a woman has a mentor, she's weak and incapable of making her own decisions. If she learns from experience, she has baggage. Learning from one's own mistakes might have been the best way for women years ago, but now it's a double edge sword. Actually, DBG, I'm pretty sure that they are just telling women that who haven't learned how to deal with their baggage. No offense intended but from the way you post you haven't. I've got plenty of baggage and have gone beyond scraped knees. Since I started dating at 16, I've had more boyfriends and almost boyfriends and almost girlfriends and encounters than I could possibly count. I've got seasonal depression and a touch of paranoia. I stutter with varying frequency, making me both an extravert and scared to talk in front of people. I've been sexually assualted, made the unknowing mistress to a best friend with a fiance and I've had sex with more than a handful of people. I've had my heart broken more times than I could count but I always went back into the ring. There is even a scar on my back from where a dominant fucked up and flogged the skin off. Valyraen scratches it for me when it starts to itch. There's more of course, but strangely, Valyraen still loves and adores me. In fact, if he ever left me there are others looking to enter my life. It's not the baggage that you have, it is how you carry it. Mine doesn't weigh me down because I don't let it. If someone doesn't want to be part of my life because it, screw 'em. I don't care - they wouldn't have made a good match for me anyway. It's not like you lost anything.

WinsomeDefiance -> RE: baggage (8/29/2007 9:57:13 AM)
Assuming that all men assume you have baggage and will dismiss you out of hand because of that baggage is a self-fullfilling prophecy. It is self-defeating. The thing that annoys me about your statement, is the gross generalization regarding how men think. If you had expressed this as, "I'm repeatedly disappointed because the men I have been meeting have been telling me that I have too much baggage and want nothing to do with me." I could understand your concerns. I could empathise with your set backs and disappointments. If you HAVE experienced this, my heart goes out to you. It really does. Reading the posts of a few men who express a lack of interest in women with baggage, personalizing those statements that were probably never even directed to you personally and then lumping the thoughts of those few men into a universal 'truth" about the way men think is just....asanine. Why in the world should their opinions about baggage effect you one way or another? No one is saying that the school of hard knocks is wonderful. Seriously. Hardknocks hurt. Hardknocks suck. If someone can go through their life happy and untouched by pain and suffering, wonderful. If my experience can help prevent someone from going through what I went through EXCELLENT. I do believe that the past experiences, hard knocks and all, have formed the woman I am today and that woman is pretty damn wonderful. Empathy helps mold compassion and empathy is usually born from adversity in some fashion or other. I KNOW myself to be a loving, caring, compassionate person with a strong moral compass and a high degree of integrity. I developed these traits, strengthened them and learned them from the sum total of my experiences. Anyone who dismisses me out of hand because of my life experiences, assuming I have baggage can grow a second set and go screw himself. End of story. What I don't do, is go into any relationship having the expectation that another will do this. Why should I? I think you CAN offer good advise regarding the potential threats without being alarmist or making assumptions that the person coming into the lifestyle is a dimwit who is bankrupt of common sense. I think it is ethically sound to offer your experiences in a positive manner to assist others. However, those of us who are realist know that you can't protect everyone from everything. We believe in hard love. We know that sometimes a child who won't believe you when you say the radiator is hot, has to learn by touching it. We don't want our children burned. We try and protect them from it, but ultimately sometimes the lesson has to be learned one way or the other. We know that sometimes people just refuse to take good advise. Sometimes, they are so caught up in their self-defeating unhealthy thought processes that they need a good kick in the ass and told to get their shit together. We believe that it is wrong to hold their hand and tell them it's ok to continue with the counter-productive thought processes. The mentor idea is a good one. Its not setting any precedents. Its been done. Successfully. Get a mentor. Encourage others to do so. All good things. However, if a mentor is worth his/her salt they will be the first ones to kick you in the ass and tell you to shut the fuck up and listen or take your ball of baggage and go home and stop wasting their time. I know the mentors in my past have done so and I'm a better person for it. What a mentor WON'T do is guarantee that another won't be hurt. There are no guarantees in life. When you allow others into your heart and lives, you risk being hurt. Again, you take what a few say about hard knocks being good for a person and you over generalize those statements, personalize them and then lump them into the all encompassing "THEY." Seriously. Stop personalizing other peoples opinions about baggage or hard knocks and shoving their thoughts onto the masses. A few posts does not a universal truth make.

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