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ORIGINAL: ServeMeInVA

Everyone over 17 normally has baggage.
It is best to learn what the baggage is, as soon as possible.
Then I can decide if their baggage is a deal breaker for me.
There is a lot of baggage I can deal with, and some I will not deal with.
The key is finding out what the baggage is, quickly and before you become
emotionally involved.

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ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

How would you feel if people frequently refused to get to know you based on assumption?

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ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

I know many men who have baggage as well, but few like to call it that or even think about it. Many (not all) are too busy avoiding possible baggage others may or may not take out on them. Of course men get hurt by women. Otherwise they wouldn't have said baggage. I sympathize with them just like I do with women who have been hurt. I'm also glad they have far less chance of being seen as damaged goods and avoided. Both women and men are hurt by the opposite sex (unless they prefer the same sex). Women as a general rule don't have the "warning, possible baggage, assume the worst, avoid at all costs" mentality toward men, so men shouldn't have that attitude toward women.

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ORIGINAL: gypsy girl

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But the majority of people who have the "if there is any chance someone might have baggage, assume the worst and avoid" mentality are male.

I see this sort of thing coming from women all the time.  A lot of the 'red flags' people put out as reasons to avoid something could be read specifically as 'red flags alerting the casual observer to baggage' which is why I don't participate in 'red flag' discussions. 

Take the commonly mentioned red flag, the other only gives you a cell phone # and no land line #.  I only have a cell phone, and the reason I only have a cell phone is because 1) a D was using my land line to harass me which is the same as saying I have baggage and 2) two phones are expensive and I'm divorced with a kid and didn't come out of my marriage with the healthiest financial portfolio which is the same as saying I have baggage and 3) my ex pays for my cell phone because he's a control freak and wants 'us' to be on a family plan so he can talk to the kids whenever the spirit moves him without having to worry about expenses because he's also broke which is the same as saying I have baggage. 

Another one is the other person only accepts calls at a specific time.  Again, when I was looking, I generally did calls by appointment largely because I have kids and don't want to be constantly interrupted, distracted or faced with the prospect of dividing my attention between my ums and a potential D which is the same as saying I have baggage.

These are only the first two examples that came to mind, but I'm sure there are others.  A red flag is considered a warning.  What is it a warning of?  I would say in many cases its a warning that the other person has some baggage.  To the extent that this is the case, you're position is contradictory.

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ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

I know many men who have baggage.
I am just a little tired of the sexist and anti-orientation threads.  Like there aren't any big old bad submissives fucking men around.  Now that might have a lot to do with social conditioning.  Any man being open with the fact he has been abused is seen as weak... so you just do not see it mentioned publicly as much.  But in private, it happens just as much.  You just don't see it exercised on message boards.
 
Threads like these perpetuate the myths that female submissives are weak and always get fucked over and never know how to handle themselves or their own history.  That all dominants are all male bad asses who can't be trusted and that switches NEVER suffer(because they are never ever mentioned in threads like this).  It creates them and us attitudes.  It is a poison.
 
When the reality is, maybe men just know how to pick and choose who they discuss intimate details with, and do not choose to gossip about their loses in public... and switches really do have their heads screwed on tighter and arent as 'confused' as some people would like to make them out to be.
 
Peace
the.dark.

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ORIGINAL: MstrSkyWoIf
My statement was based on your continued insistence that Doms are not willing to be with a submissive with baggage.

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ORIGINAL: toservez

Every one has baggage men and women and dominants and submissives.

It is not the baggage to avoid or run from but if the person’s baggage is too out front of the person. Basically, if the person makes their baggage a controlling issue to another person in how a relationship is to take place.

Let’s take being a victim of cheating. A man who tells a woman he only has a cell phone might perk up the ears of the woman but if that is all she has as a clue the man might be married then that is her issue not his.

A man who wants a submissive to always call where they are and not let their woman talk to another man in almost all situations because at one time they were a victim of cheating is letting their baggage interfere with the relationship.

I agree Darcyandthedark that this portrayal of woman are victims and men are the abusers is just wrong and the constant getting into this life of dominant equals strong and does not need to be careful or protect themselves and woman submissive is weak and needs to be super duper protective just does a flat out disservice to both men and women and this lifestyle.

We all have baggage the key is how we deal with it and let it affect us and our relationships.

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ORIGINAL: umisprite

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ORIGINAL: MstrSkyWoIf
My statement was based on your continued insistence that Doms are not willing to be with a submissive with baggage.

Coming a little late into the dance...
 
I will admit that during my last relationship there was an issue from the past  I was holding on to and at times projected onto my current partner. What did he do? He sat me down one night and addressed the issue in a serious yet compassionate tone. We discussed it, agreed to work on it and that was that. A few months later he commented on how well he thought I had progressed on that particular issue. And I agreed. It really was quite freeing to finally be able to let go.
 
I have never had the occurence of someone not wanting to get to know me because of some perceived baggage perhaps because my philosophy truly is that you can not grab the future while holding on to the past.

Would a mentor have prevented me from experiencing the initial pain? Probably not, I was in love. Would a mentor have known that I would carry that baggage to the door of my next relationship...maybe, but would it have helped me let go of said baggage?  Not so sure about that either. I am firmly planted in the live and learn and let go garden.

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ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

To those out there who love to assume the worst. Just because someone has been in a few failed relationships does not mean this person will take it out on you. Until the person actually takes something out on you, all you're doing is assuming. Before you start assuming the worst in others, take a long look at yourself. How many failed relationships have you been in? How would you feel if people frequently refused to get to know you based on assumption?

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ORIGINAL: Bobkgin

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ORIGINAL: defiantbadgirl

To those out there who love to assume the worst. Just because someone has been in a few failed relationships does not mean this person will take it out on you. Until the person actually takes something out on you, all you're doing is assuming. Before you start assuming the worst in others, take a long look at yourself. How many failed relationships have you been in? How would you feel if people frequently refused to get to know you based on assumption?

Defiant,

You're asking for compassion from those who are embracing fear.

Consider that the universe is unfolding as it should, that those who know fear are not for those of us who know compassion.

Those who know fear are doomed to be alone till they overcome their fear, even if they have partners.

For those who know fear cannot know trust, and without trust they are, indeed, alone.

Granted, those who know compassion are rare, but are they less prized for that? less cherished?

Not by those who understand them.

Not by those whose compassion seeks out those with compassion.

So breathe easy, knowing the universe is not without its purpose, and not without its rules regarding those with compassion.

For what is compassion without faith?

And what hope is there for the fearful who have no faith?

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ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance

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