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RE: Clueless about Protectors - 10/18/2007 7:01:22 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		We all give advice to someone. It makes no difference if it is inadverent or not.  So in essence we are all protectors.

(in reply to vield)
Profile   Post #: 61
RE: Clueless about Protectors - 10/18/2007 8:04:21 AM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		It protects her from having genuine experiences of her own.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkDaddyZ

Lastly as I asked this person, what does a protector protect you from?

(in reply to DarkDaddyZ)
Profile   Post #: 62
RE: Clueless about Protectors - 10/18/2007 8:10:22 AM   
meticulousgirl


Posts: 969
Joined: 2/20/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkDaddyZ
My reply was what is he protecting you from

Her own stupid decisions?  Not sure.  I don't know who she was.  I will just say that it has been my experience that when someone on these boards desires or requires a "protector," they really aren't all that stable or sure of what they want.  The age old question that's been posed here is:  If she isn't mentally capable and prepared to choose the right dominant, how can she be capable of choosing the right "protector?"  A protector who really is more of a mentor and looking out for her best interests.  The general advice is to eliminate the "middle man" protector position and go about trying to find a partner oneself.  Not trying to insult anyone's choices, that just seems to be the general vibe from most who reply..............luci 



Luci is 100% right to me the whole protector thing is catagorized with 1 either someone that is brand new and has no idea what they want within the lifestyle, or 2 has no intention of really actively participating in anything.  The whole protector thing is just lame. I'm owned, i've been owned since i was 18 of course some things freak me out, there are things that probably freak most of us but, you dont see the majority of us going around saying protect me protect me do you? 

~meticulous~

(in reply to slaveluci)
Profile   Post #: 63
RE: Clueless about Protectors - 10/18/2007 8:33:31 AM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline
quote:

It protects her from having genuine experiences of her own.


Good darn point.

(in reply to meticulousgirl)
Profile   Post #: 64
RE: Clueless about Protectors - 10/18/2007 8:43:27 AM   
camille65


Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline 		The closest I got to a 'protector' were my newbie IRC days. Being brand new to computers and IRC I needed a bit of help wading through all the garbage especially when I was in a bit of sub frenzy.
I bounced ideas and feelings off him, he listened and commented occasionally. There was nothing like him screening my mail or chat, just someone to turn to when I got caught up in stuff.

I can see it happening in RL with me. I'm not at all involved with my local scene although I would like to be. I would feel more comfortable knowing I had someone once again, to bounce thoughts and feelings on. I leap way before I look and everyone seems to think I trust too easily (pish posh, without trust life becomes insular and paranoid).

Maybe I see a protector in the same light as mentor. Some folks need that and others don't. I personally would be much more at ease knowing I had someone to discuss things/teach things. After a 20 year marriage I have absolutely no clue how to do the social thing.

_____________________________


~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).




(in reply to came4U)
Profile   Post #: 65
RE: Clueless about Protectors - 10/18/2007 8:57:04 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

It protects her from having genuine experiences of her own.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkDaddyZ

Lastly as I asked this person, what does a protector protect you from?



With all due respect, spoken like a guy. 

How does knowing that someone has your six protect you from doing things?  That will only happen if you use your safety net as an excuse to hide.  That is NOT what protectors are for.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 66
RE: Clueless about Protectors - 10/18/2007 11:21:09 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Once again, we beg the question, if you make good choices in protectors, what do you need a protector for and if you make shitty choices in partners, why do you think  you will make a good one in a protector.

I spell protector, mentor, trainer, and asshole all the same way...abuser.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 67
RE: Clueless about Protectors - 10/18/2007 11:24:13 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I think that independence and self-reliance is the way to proceed through life.  

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 68
RE: Clueless about Protectors - 10/18/2007 11:25:51 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Question. Is everyone born a know-it-all.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 69
RE: Clueless about Protectors - 10/18/2007 11:27:10 AM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline 		no, some of us learned it, some of us earned it.

(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 70
RE: Clueless about Protectors - 10/18/2007 11:35:20 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		You live life.  You experience it.  Use your filter.  Not someone else's.  I don't understand the value in having someone else talk to your suitors and pick out your partner.  That wouldn't work for me because I like to own my decisions, good and bad.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 71
RE: Clueless about Protectors - 10/18/2007 12:07:23 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Once again, we beg the question, if you make good choices in protectors, what do you need a protector for and if you make shitty choices in partners, why do you think  you will make a good one in a protector.

I spell protector, mentor, trainer, and asshole all the same way...abuser.


WHEW!  That certainly covers your one true way.

As a person who spells protector FRIEND, and tries to be a good one, I say good for you that you have such strongly held opinions.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 72
RE: Clueless about Protectors - 10/18/2007 12:09:51 PM   
junecleaver


Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline 		I like to think that there are people looking out for me and trying to protect me.  I like to think that there are people who care enough to tell me when they think I've made a poor choice.  I call them friends.  In fact my best friend and Dominant is very much into protecting me which is enough to drive me bonkers sometimes.  I've never had a protective father, getting one this late in life has been an adjustment lol

I've seen two people together and they give me a vibe that one is the protector and one is being protected.  But the relationship isn't labeled like that.  So the partnership they have flies under the radar and is not seen as abusive or fantasy-based or whatever other negative labels a protector/protected thing would get.

I don't see anything wrong with having a 'protector' although I will admit that stating it like she did does seem silly.  Does it really matter if people decide to describe their lives in a dorky fashion?  I guess I've had a protector of sorts who was something of a sounding board while I developed my own opinions and ideas AND *shockhorrorgasp* it was on teh internets! 

Calling you clueless was, of course, out of line.  It seems like she was trying to name-drop to make herself look like an uber popular kinkster and that backfired with you.  So she probably felt defensive after your reply.


_____________________________


"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 73
RE: Clueless about Protectors - 10/18/2007 12:17:14 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Once again, we beg the question, if you make good choices in protectors, what do you need a protector for and if you make shitty choices in partners, why do you think  you will make a good one in a protector.

I spell protector, mentor, trainer, and asshole all the same way...abuser.


WHEW!  That certainly covers your one true way.


That wasn't a statement, that was a question, one which by the way, you have yet to answer although the fact that you enjoy playing the role of "protector" and can't answer it is very very telling.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 74
RE: Clueless about Protectors - 10/18/2007 12:20:18 PM   
DarkDaddyZ


Posts: 805
Joined: 4/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MaamJay

In a totally different context, when We hosted public play parties, We offered to put unattached subs under a very temporary "house protection" while at the party. This meant they could have one of Us listen in if they wanted to negotiate a play scene with a Dominant at the party and We would keep an eye on the scene to make sure all went OK. Not all subs took up that offer, but some very nervous newbies did and it helped settle their nerves and they got an appropriate intro to bdsm, instead of just hovering around the fringes too scared to get started. In that context I thought it appropriate and very real. But online protectors ... well, the best they could be would be someone to run things past ... not much real protection!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

And under this set up, I can understand that.....I probably wouldn't use the word protection but I understand it and thank you for posting.

Z-

_____________________________

"Flirting is part of the job description." DJ Jesus (Lucy Daughter Of The Devil)

Vanilla Official Music Page http://www.myspace.com/djzulu

(in reply to MaamJay)
Profile   Post #: 75
RE: Clueless about Protectors - 10/18/2007 12:35:08 PM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Once again, we beg the question, if you make good choices in protectors, what do you need a protector for and if you make shitty choices in partners, why do you think  you will make a good one in a protector.

I spell protector, mentor, trainer, and asshole all the same way...abuser.


WHEW!  That certainly covers your one true way.


That wasn't a statement, that was a question, one which by the way, you have yet to answer although the fact that you enjoy playing the role of "protector" and can't answer it is very very telling.


I'll answer that one... At least out of my own personal experience. When I had my chatroom I also had the rep to go with it. I don't beat around the bush, I've always be very open and honest with everyone I've come in contact with. I've called Canada to talk one girl out of a suicidal depression, I've called England to talk another out of complete withdrawal from society and I've offered my phone number to anyone that sincerely wants to talk to me, don't believe me?... email me on the other side I'll give it to you as well. I don't know LadyHibiscus, but the possibility exists that she too earned a rep for being helpful and sincere among her peers just as you have earned a rep here...
 
Jewel

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 76
RE: Clueless about Protectors - 10/18/2007 12:35:48 PM   
DarkDaddyZ


Posts: 805
Joined: 4/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: junecleaver

I like to think that there are people looking out for me and trying to protect me.  I like to think that there are people who care enough to tell me when they think I've made a poor choice.  I call them friends.  In fact my best friend and Dominant is very much into protecting me which is enough to drive me bonkers sometimes.  I've never had a protective father, getting one this late in life has been an adjustment lol

I've seen two people together and they give me a vibe that one is the protector and one is being protected.  But the relationship isn't labeled like that.  So the partnership they have flies under the radar and is not seen as abusive or fantasy-based or whatever other negative labels a protector/protected thing would get.

I don't see anything wrong with having a 'protector' although I will admit that stating it like she did does seem silly.  Does it really matter if people decide to describe their lives in a dorky fashion?  I guess I've had a protector of sorts who was something of a sounding board while I developed my own opinions and ideas AND *shockhorrorgasp* it was on teh internets! 

Calling you clueless was, of course, out of line.  It seems like she was trying to name-drop to make herself look like an uber popular kinkster and that backfired with you.  So she probably felt defensive after your reply.


junecleaver: I appreciate your post and there are several of you I want to respond to, some who agreed some who didn't but I just don't have the time to put down all of my thoughts.

I believe that I am guilty in something that I work hard not to do, act all elitist.  I believe she had good intentions in contacting me and I appreciated that, but when she named dropped (something I HATE or star fucking (dropping names of leather community leaders to make yourself look good-not that the person she mentioned is a leader or not, he may be, he may not) my whole attitude changed.  That is another topic for another day.

Bottom line is this, while references, friends, mentors, teachers etc are important to me a conversation about that happens as you get to know each other.  This person put that out there right away and based on my experience I automatically took that as "I'm supposed to take her seriously based on who here "protector" is."  My philosophies are different than others when it comes to that, I take you seriously until you prove to me otherwise.

I really want to thank all of you for your comments, opinions and insight in this thread, I've learned a lot.

Z-

_____________________________

"Flirting is part of the job description." DJ Jesus (Lucy Daughter Of The Devil)

Vanilla Official Music Page http://www.myspace.com/djzulu

(in reply to junecleaver)
Profile   Post #: 77
RE: Clueless about Protectors - 10/18/2007 12:55:43 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Once again, we beg the question, if you make good choices in protectors, what do you need a protector for and if you make shitty choices in partners, why do you think  you will make a good one in a protector.

I spell protector, mentor, trainer, and asshole all the same way...abuser.


WHEW!  That certainly covers your one true way.


That wasn't a statement, that was a question, one which by the way, you have yet to answer although the fact that you enjoy playing the role of "protector" and can't answer it is very very telling.


I didn't realize that a question was directed at me personally, but since it was, I will try and help.

I do not "enjoy" the role of protector.  I have  been out in the local scene for about 15 years, and as such, I know many people, and many know me.  I am not shy, and I talk to strangers.  As a person active in the scene as an educator, dungeon monitor,  group/event organizer,  and club manager, I am in a position to help those that are new, whether that is to make an introduction, share a resource, or offer a demonstration in a skill.

I do NOT seek any one out to take under my wing.  I DO offer to attend munches and public events with people (mainly women) who are uncertain about going to a room full of strangers who may or may not be what they expected  IF THEY ASK ME.  I will be a safe call, IF I AM ASKED.   I make it known that I am available, and if my help is not needed, fine.  I don't push myself on anyone, why should I?  No one knows that I am "protecting" or mentoring anyone except the person I am helping.  It's hardly merit badge material, and it is certainly no one else's business.  If I do my part right, that new person learns to manage just fine on their own, and I have made a new friend. 

Does this answer your question adequately?

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 78
RE: Clueless about Protectors - 10/18/2007 1:01:37 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		I've been through this once.  Once...never again. 

I can understand the idea of having a friend steer you through first meetings and negotiations and all that out in the real world.  There are some clueless ones among us as well as some predators.  But that's me being lenient and understanding for those who are young or those who want to jump right into this without doing a lot of reading and so forth.

But here comes the "dark" side of me...when you first hear the acronym BDSM, you have no idea what it stands for, right?  So you ask a friend or you go online and punch it up on Google or do some other kind of research and find out exactly what it stands for, whether it be for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, Masochism or the "newer" version combining Dominance and Submission into what BDSM stands for.  What part of that does not strike anyone here as being something of an adult nature, even a dark nature?  What part of that indicates that w.i.i.t.w.d. is something that's just a "kick" and that you can approach it without caution?  What part of that says that the first time a dominant approaches you and says "I want to tie you up, beat you, then fuck you" you should go along willingly even though you have no idea who he is, what you really feel about pain and how to stop him or even if you can?

< Message edited by CreativeDominant -- 10/18/2007 1:18:20 PM >

(in reply to DarkDaddyZ)
Profile   Post #: 79
RE: Clueless about Protectors - 10/18/2007 1:48:06 PM   
MrDiscipline44


Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkDaddyZ

This afternoon a female who identifies as submissive initiated an e-mail to me saying that she likes my profile and posts via the boards.  As we exchanged a couple of e-mails she asked me if I knew her "protector" and mentioned him by name.  My reply was what is he protecting you from.  Her response back was she was surprised by my question since I have so much experience in the lifestyle.  I replied back and probably was a little smart with my comments including all my years in the lifestyle hasn't taught me about protection, I teach, learn, dominate and own.

She replied that I was clueless. 

So, am I clueless because I don't understand the protector label especially via online? Help me understand what a protector does in lifestyle relationships and is a protector only a dominant.

Lastly as I asked this person, what does a protector protect you from?

Thanks,
Z-
I'm sure this has been said already but I'm going to say it anyway. The "protector", basicly, is the guy she runs to when her mouth gets her into things her ass can't handle. It gives her a way to shirk responsibility for her words and/or actions.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to DarkDaddyZ)
Profile   Post #: 80
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