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RE: Quick Question - 10/21/2007 10:25:49 AM

asubmissiveheart

Posts: 462
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I am thinking the opposite here.
Is one of the roles of a submissive to help their Dominant overcome
their baggage.

To say that submissive's have more baggage than Dominant's does not
ring true to me.

(in reply to RRafe)

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RE: Quick Question - 10/21/2007 11:36:00 AM

laurell3

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Everyone has baggage, there's no stereotype of whether doms or subs have more that makes any sense, period.

With regard to helping, I guess it depends on what it is...insecurity about how one looks? The majority of women I know fit that bill...can a partner encouraging them to see themselves a different way help? Of course.
Serious depression or other mental health issues? Can a partner support them as they seek out help and deal with it? Of course. Should a partner attempt to play therapist? Of course not.

You get my point. Whether it be sub/slave or Dom/me all partners can and should help, but attempting dime store psychology on your own can be more detrimental than helpful, and honestly, a relationship alone cannot overcome serious issues. Telling someone it can and inviting them not to get the help they truly need is foolish in my opinion.

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RE: Quick Question - 10/21/2007 11:41:34 AM

TheChauvinist

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(FR)

No. It's not my profession to "fix" people. I would no more want to have a partner that needs "fixing" as I would one that thinks I need to be "fixed".

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RE: Quick Question - 10/21/2007 11:54:08 AM

MsWorthy

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Joined: 9/28/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

Its like any relationship isnt it? both are just as responsible as the other to make them feel better but i dont think baggage can ever be fixed anyways just become less of an issue.

I agree with this. I don't think baggage can ever be completely "fixed".

However, one of my skills is the ability to help my partner look at issues in a different way. This viewpoint can lead to resolving or, at least, lessening the negative aspect of 'baggage'. My focus is on solving the problem rather than placing blame, or feeling sorry for oneself. For some people, this is a new way of looking at issues/problems/baggage.

So, it is a quality that I have to offer potential partners.

Do I think it is a requirement of dominance? No, but having problem-solving skills is an important (if not essential) quality to have if you are a lifestyle dominant.

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RE: Quick Question - 10/21/2007 12:08:57 PM

domiguy

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I would like to think that when I am done with her....She has accumulated more baggage then bearable....But, what the fuck!!....I'm an asshole.

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RE: Quick Question - 10/21/2007 12:18:57 PM

Maya2001

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From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
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It kind of depends on the baggage and also if the relationship is to be a longterm on.

Some baggage can run pretty deep even with professional help it does not automatically become turned off, my mother commited suicide when I was 16, I have come to terms with knowing I was in no way resposible for her death, but when May comes around, the time of year she commited suicide I do become a bit more melancholy less so than I used to but it still exists, kind of hard to go thru Mothers Day and not feel nothing , if I was in a longterm relationship with a dom, I would expect there would be some consideration for that and not expect me to simply turn off my emotions and feeling just to please him.

I went thru some pretty serious abuse at the hands of an ex husband and because I am not 100% sure of how would would react with intense feeling in play I have chose to make knife and gun play hard limits , it is not a matter of a trust issue with a dom for setting but I have no idea whether I would have flash backs as a result, some people having experience pretty intense traumas not everyone is going to be fixable , a sub does not necessarily want or feel you can fix if a flash back occurs but would like some understanding and compassion and willingness to ahear them out as to why they reacted a sertain way and sometimes that is enough to help work around something that triggered the flashback and establish greater trust in their partner that they would never do sometimg like what someone else did to them, if you reject them and get upset over them having a flashback it simply adds more stress and can causing insecurity erosion of any exosting trust instead. If their baggage has to do with their own insecurity in relatioships and they have troubles trusting in general because a past boyfriend dumped them that can be a different matter and maybe they need to deal with it themselves before getting into another relationship

Every adult has some form of baggage, some mild and can be checked at the door, some have unresolved baggage that was not dealth with and others have forms that will always exist but with the right partner can be dealt with so it never becomes an ongoing problem, and then there are a few that are walking baggage carts and only happy if their cart is full and expect everyone else to deal with it

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RE: Quick Question - 10/21/2007 12:22:44 PM

Tigrita

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

Do you think that a person in the Role of Dominance is responsible for helping a sub to overcome thier emotional baggage?

I think both parties should understand their respective bagage going in and know if it is compatible. Bagage will come up and when it does, I think both are responsible for being understanding and supportive about overcoming it together. I certainly don't beilieve a sub should be a fixer-uper project in the eyes of a dom, but if people want that and it works for them, to each their own. Just doesn't seem healthy in the longrun to me

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RE: Quick Question - 10/21/2007 12:40:08 PM

TreasureKY

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I agree with the others here that it depends entirely upon what is desired by both, and, whether the dominanat is qualified to help.

On the flip side of this, I find it amusing when I see a dominant who is enchanted with the idea of "owning" a slave... drools at the notion of a slave being at their beck and call to do whatever they wish... but then balks at the idea of true responsibility for another human being.

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RE: Quick Question - 10/21/2007 12:46:05 PM

OnlyHis

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In my own opinion a Master or Dominant can't have all the answers. They can be there to support their slave or sub emotionally. They can be there to give advice or opinions. But the baggage belongs to the slave or sub they have to take care of it themselves. If the Dominant does take care of things for the slave or sub that is just giving them the impression that their Dominant will always take care of everything for them , that they have no responsibility for their own actions in life.
Just my .02 worth
Only His

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RE: Quick Question - 10/21/2007 12:47:01 PM

grlneedstolearn

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PairOfDimes

Not unless you've agreed to that.

Agree with you

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RE: Quick Question - 10/21/2007 1:04:19 PM

eyesopened

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Only if You were responsible for creating it in the first place. However, if You also want to take on the role of Savior or Therapist or even Handsome Knight... just be careful, some damsel's create their own distress and expect to have the same dragon slayed again and again and again and again and again.....

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RE: Quick Question - 10/21/2007 1:14:12 PM

licia71

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

Do you think that a person in the Role of Dominance is responsible for helping a sub to overcome thier emotional baggage?

No. Being in a loving stable relationship has gone a long way in helping me to heal myself, but I'm responsible for "the work". He lends an ear and a hug when I need them. That's really all he can do. Emotional baggage is such a personal thing, and can't be fixed from the outside.

My opinion.

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RE: Quick Question - 10/21/2007 1:41:44 PM

LASub4Real

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I think perhaps you have the role of Dominance confused with the role of Psychiatrist.

LAsub

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RE: Quick Question - 10/21/2007 1:45:49 PM

Prinsexx

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

Do you think that a person in the Role of Dominance is responsible for helping a sub to overcome thier emotional baggage?

Oh come om RRafe. please, that's not a quickie, surely???

ed. to replace the om with on
as I know how long an om takes

< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 10/21/2007 1:47:01 PM >

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RE: Quick Question - 10/21/2007 2:08:39 PM

RRafe

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Brought this up because I see a lot of respnsibility shifting in relation to D/s. Made me wonder just what the hell some of these women expect-that this magical creature is going to show up-toss them against the wall like a lump of dough-twist them this way and that.....

And everything will be fine and dandy?

Seems like an insane way to view a relationship-cop out for personal ability and responsibility. If you care-you naturally want to help-but don't ask for it if you won;t go 110 pecent towards the goals-on BOTH sides.

If you don't want to have to do the work-then don't. Go crawl off into your little den of misery and suffer-alone. But please, avoid inflicting that sort of agony on someone who deserves better. Because if yoy cannot slay that dragon yourself-the knight sure as hell can't.

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RE: Quick Question - 10/21/2007 5:44:34 PM

catize

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I would hope that at this point in my life I have effectively dealt with my baggage and can, for the most part, leave it at home in the closet. But those little fuckers sometimes grow legs and follow me. Talking about it with a dominant (or friend) may help me put it in perspective but I don’t expect anyone else to tote it home for me.

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RE: Quick Question - 10/21/2007 5:54:10 PM

celticlord2112

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

Do you think that a person in the Role of Dominance is responsible for helping a sub to overcome thier emotional baggage?

Speaking for myself, when I accept a slave's surrender, I accept all of her. That includes "emotional baggage".

If I cannot accept the emotional baggage, then I should not accept the slave.

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RE: Quick Question - 10/21/2007 5:54:35 PM

BeingChewsie

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

Do you think that a person in the Role of Dominance is responsible for helping a sub to overcome thier emotional baggage?

If he wants to be. Some do, some don't. If you are not the type to be interested in that, be upfront about it. With R it depends on the baggage. He doesn't have much esteem for therapists on the whole but if it is something he can't fix, he'd send the girl to therapy. He has been wonderful with me and helping me overcome things that were outside my current belief systems or do to past issues. I'm very grateful to him for it. For him it isn't a role...he is a dominant person..and finding solutions, managing things, leading is what he does.

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RE: Quick Question - 10/21/2007 6:01:14 PM

moki1984

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I think this is where the difference in top, Master, trainer etc. comees into play. If you top someone..no, you ahve no responsibility to do anything other than session. If you are their owner ie Master , Mistress and I mean on a constant basis not just at fetish parties and session time...then yes. That submissive is in essence your pet, your "child"(hate to say that word but you get the point), you not only mold them into what you want..its is in My opinion a duty and responsibility to make that submissive a better person inside and out. Its a responsibility owning someone..unless its just a sexual thing to you, but Im talking to the lifestyler's with that comment. I am aware some people will disagree with Me on this, but that is My opinion.

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RE: Quick Question - 10/21/2007 6:27:29 PM

RRafe

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Let's forget the romantic concept of "total surrender" here for a few minutes.

No matter WHAT a Top tries-if the bottom does not cooperate with the program of losing the unhappy stuff-but insists on indulging in it-no matter the cost.

NOTHING you can do will make any difference. You cannot be responsible for one who refuses to be responsible to THEMSELVES.

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