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RE: Alone in my way of thinking? - 10/28/2007 1:40:15 PM

RRafe

Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ruri

quote:

ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64

Anything I mean anything in sexual in nature is very spirtual for me there for ME no share on anylevel. Some people can do things like drinking beer. Can get screw anyone or anything at a drop of hat. So to them i say get the fuck away. Less drama less poison. brighter sunny days with out such people yep well worth it .

For me, the bigger drama would be having a relationship with a man who can't think outside his own myopic view.

My partner - if I had one - isn't mine to share. He will be his own person, who can make ethical choices within the bounderies he and I set for our relationship. He and I will be together because we both bring something to the table, offering each other something worth while. Not because we box each other in a corner.

If a man tells me I'm not allowed to play with others, even if he is involved in it - this tells me the man is ruled by his insecurities, I see this as a serious character flaw.

I think everyone has insecurities, but giving into them, allowing the to dom you, is weak.

Just my opinion.

I found myself in a community with a lot of poly kink people-Seattle usa. At first I thought this was terribly dysfunctional-but I eventually learned otherwise. It's really not about having sex with strangers-or even swinging. It's more about being secure in the choice of friends that you make-and how you conduct yourself. I'm not averse to a girl playing with others-so long as I trust them not to have selfish agendas-and I know they are competent. I also want to BE there when it happens, and she has the same perogative. It helps to allay a lot of insecurity-you know nothing is being hidden.

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

(in reply to ruri)

Post #: 81

RE: Alone in my way of thinking? - 10/28/2007 1:53:27 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
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Alone in your way of thinking?..hardly..:0).....While I can in my logical brain understand your stance..in my monogamal heart, I would find this attitude inconceivable..do I call this stance from my heart, insecurity??..NO...I refuse to be labeled as insecure for my belief in monogamy, in my own relationship..my preference, my core value, all have a portionality into my choice..but to say this stems from insecurity, is simply another way of saying that monogamy is for only those who are not strong enough to handle swinging or poly or play involving others..As angelic pointed out, many is a time I have seen on these boards whereas a sub has come on saying their Dominant wants a 3rd..when monogamy has been at the first, agreed upon..someone said that this could be a form of growth..I say Bah!..this is deception plain and simple..it can only be growth if such is talked about, and agreed upon without coerscion or manipulation on the Dominants part. I also have observed where Dominants think that by exposure to a ,what they may feel is a negative mindset by the submissive concerning her preference to monogamy, may help further Dominants agenda for play, sex, or a 3rd coming into a relationship..the more the sub is exposed to such, the less unacceptable it may become to them. I understand this sort of manipulation, I have become more exposed to many things that in the past used to shock me, now rarely raises a blip on my consciousness..But to use it to gain what was at first a deception of monogamy, I feel is unacceptable..I wonder how many sub/slaves have started with monogamy, but then were lead reluctantly into poly or play because they had already become vested with that Dominant and that relationship and because of a submissives inate nature to please, that many have tried to their detriment to accept this, maybe have even convinced themselves that if Master is happy then they are as well...maybe in some ways this could of attributed to the decline of so many D/s relationships after the first year or so?...Tempting

_____________________________

I have greatly enjoyed the second blooming...suddenly you find at the age of 50, that a whole new life has opened before you.........Agatha Christie.

You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

(in reply to Squeakers)

Post #: 82

RE: Alone in my way of thinking? - 10/28/2007 1:58:23 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TemptingNviceSub
I refuse to be labeled as insecure for my belief in monogamy, in my own relationship..my preference, my core value, all have a portionality into my choice..but to say this stems from insecurity, is simply another way of saying that monogamy is for only those who are not strong enough to handle swinging or poly or play involving others..

I hope my post about insecurity didn't make you think I believe all "monogomists" are insecure. I do not. I know my own issues with poly stemmed from my personal insecurities. But I do not speak for the world at large, by any means. Sorry for any confusion, if any came from me.

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)

Post #: 83

RE: Alone in my way of thinking? - 10/28/2007 2:01:06 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
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Ach ! no owned..I think it stemmed from those who say they prefer monogamy, but called it their insecurity instead of their choice..hugs to you..Tempting

_____________________________

I have greatly enjoyed the second blooming...suddenly you find at the age of 50, that a whole new life has opened before you.........Agatha Christie.

You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 84

RE: Alone in my way of thinking? - 10/28/2007 2:04:51 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

Oh okay, Tempting, good - I didn't want to misconstrue what I was saying.

I used to prefer monogamy, but it was because of my insecurities. I do understand though, that insecurity is only one of many reasons why someone may prefer this, and that many other factors can come into play - spiritual beliefs and personal philosphies being just a couple.

Thanks for replying!! *Hugs back to you!*

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)

Post #: 85

RE: Alone in my way of thinking? - 10/28/2007 2:05:38 PM

ruri

Posts: 19
Joined: 10/26/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

quote:

ORIGINAL: ruri

quote:

ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64

Anything I mean anything in sexual in nature is very spirtual for me there for ME no share on anylevel. Some people can do things like drinking beer. Can get screw anyone or anything at a drop of hat. So to them i say get the fuck away. Less drama less poison. brighter sunny days with out such people yep well worth it .

For me, the bigger drama would be having a relationship with a man who can't think outside his own myopic view.

My partner - if I had one - isn't mine to share. He will be his own person, who can make ethical choices within the bounderies he and I set for our relationship. He and I will be together because we both bring something to the table, offering each other something worth while. Not because we box each other in a corner.

If a man tells me I'm not allowed to play with others, even if he is involved in it - this tells me the man is ruled by his insecurities, I see this as a serious character flaw.

I think everyone has insecurities, but giving into them, allowing the to dom you, is weak.

Just my opinion.

I found myself in a community with a lot of poly kink people-Seattle usa. At first I thought this was terribly dysfunctional-but I eventually learned otherwise. It's really not about having sex with strangers-or even swinging. It's more about being secure in the choice of friends that you make-and how you conduct yourself. I'm not averse to a girl playing with others-so long as I trust them not to have selfish agendas-and I know they are competent. I also want to BE there when it happens, and she has the same perogative. It helps to allay a lot of insecurity-you know nothing is being hidden.

This is a viable salution to overcoming insecurites, in my opinion. The important thing is for both to reach an agreement by hammering it out, with no one left feeling as though they don't matter.

(in reply to RRafe)

Post #: 86

RE: Alone in my way of thinking? - 10/28/2007 2:49:24 PM

Squeakers

Posts: 489
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline

After reading coming back and reading through the many great posts, I have some thoughts not directed at anyone in paticular.
   First I do not feel that a person who perfers a monogomous relationship is insecure, it could be but not always.   I totally and completely understand the concept of not wanting to be with another person other than the one in the primary realtionship.
  Secondly, I did not want this based purely on the sexual end of it.   I've seen a couple references to STD's.    If my Dominant went to a club, or private one on one party and caned another submissive with HER cane (meaning one that would never be used on me) how would he bring home an STD if that is all that were to happen?    Does intercourse always follow a scene?   Because if it does, hell I have been doing things wrong for years.
    A reference was made about Dom's who use deception to get the submissive to accept the collar and then she is forced to go along with it because she has time vested in the relationship and I assume because now she loves him.   (I know I did not quote this exactly correct but it was along that line).    If deception was used to give a collar, even a slave would have the right to walk away.    If she goes along with it because she has time vested in it or because she loves him, I just do not get that part.   That is like saying, "I did not know that he was an abuser but I do love him and I have time vested in this relationship so even though he beats me I will stay."    If his being with other partners would cause emotional pain, why the hell would one stay especially if he lied about it.     Personally, I would much rather be punched in the face than deal with overwhelming emotional pain and I care enough about me to walk away from either.    If someone in my life is toxic, they are easily outted.
      Someone made the statement about enjoying the life they had with their partner and if he chose to go with another because he found enjoyed that person, although they would feel pain from it, they would be thankful for the time they had with him and be content knowing he was happy.   (I know I did not quote that exactly either)   I can honestly relate to that.    Although I might miss my partner, I would be content knowing he was happy, and I would be thankful for every second I was part of his life.
     I was going to pose another question but I think it deserves it own thread.

(in reply to Squeakers)

Post #: 87

RE: Alone in my way of thinking? - 10/28/2007 3:12:49 PM

therealboss

Posts: 227
Joined: 9/11/2007
Status: offline

well,what's wrong with that?just because it may not be what you are into does not make it any less fun,some people enjoy licking it and i enjoy having it licked,do you have a problem with that?

_____________________________

be the best

(in reply to Squeakers)

Post #: 88

RE: Alone in my way of thinking? - 10/28/2007 3:13:37 PM

littlehumbledone

Posts: 72
Joined: 10/2/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelic

Well i am one of the insecure ones. Because i know this about myself, i simply will not go into a relationship where the Dom/Master/Top wants to do this or subject me to it. i know how it will make me feel and because i do not like feeling like that, i will avoid the situation at all costs.

Count me in on the insecure bit as well, because I don't share, I won't be with anyone who wants to make that part of our dynamic, there is enough drama in just trying to negotiate life as it is, without adding someone else, a someone who may have different motivations than you; into the mix.

I'll be quite comfortable in my insecurity and the knowledge that my Dom/Master/SO thinks that I am all he needs and is the most important person in his life.

_____________________________

...
I don't need anyone to blow out another woman's candle to make mine burn brighter.

(in reply to angelic)

Post #: 89

RE: Alone in my way of thinking? - 10/28/2007 3:16:26 PM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline

littleh, I don't think anyone is calling monogamy an insecurity if it's what you believe in. Insecurity can lead to coerced "monogamy" but being with one partner, if it works for both partners, is a viable option.

(in reply to littlehumbledone)

Post #: 90

RE: Alone in my way of thinking? - 10/28/2007 3:17:49 PM

therealboss

Posts: 227
Joined: 9/11/2007
Status: offline

good thing that your opinion does not count,but just to humour you,people i have been with have been in total agreement with it,so just because this is not your cupof tea does not give you any right about others life style

_____________________________

be the best

(in reply to ruri)

Post #: 91

RE: Alone in my way of thinking? - 10/28/2007 3:20:03 PM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

How timely is this thread for me?
Well perfect really as i just walked away from my so-called perfect Dom....changed my profile on here yet again.
he croseed one of my limits.
Actually i walked away because he failed to understand the difference between power exchange and power over. he used d/s as an excuse for his promiscuity.
All I asked for, in order to shift the dynamic to a power exchange for me was to know if and when he was fucking someone else. NOT because i get jealous, NOT because I don't want him to. But simply because i place honesty, integrity and also safety above anything else.
I am tired of teaching Dominants. I am tired of topping from the bottom or indeed having to top from the bottom to have the relationship work.
I am tired of promiscuous males posing as Dominats just to get what they want with no IDEA of what submission is.
When I am on my knees sucking cock I am not just sucking cock.
Also; if, as I believe he wanted to do, was just to have me as one of his women, then he could be denying me the relationship with that woman.
I am tired of insecure emotionless males who make me feel dominated but not submitted.
I play at a higher level. That's just me.

(in reply to Squeakers)

Post #: 92

RE: Alone in my way of thinking? - 10/28/2007 3:22:15 PM

ruri

Posts: 19
Joined: 10/26/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: batshalom

littleh, I don't think anyone is calling monogamy an insecurity if it's what you believe in. Insecurity can lead to coerced "monogamy" but being with one partner, if it works for both partners, is a viable option.

I agree. Monogamy != insecurity. Tons of couples are happy in their monogamous relationships; it works for a lot of people.

(in reply to batshalom)

Post #: 93

RE: Alone in my way of thinking? - 10/28/2007 3:52:53 PM

angelic

Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline

~fr~... i have and always will be monogomous... that is my choice... it is not my insecurity. :)

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci

(in reply to ruri)

Post #: 94

RE: Alone in my way of thinking? - 10/28/2007 3:55:58 PM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64

Anything I mean anything in sexual in nature is very spirtual for me there for ME no share on anylevel. Some people can do things like drinking beer. Can get screw anyone or anything at a drop of hat. So to them i say get the fuck away. Less drama less poison. brighter sunny days with out such people yep well worth it .

I tend to be fairly black and white on this as well. There have been situations where I tried it, and the conclusion I have come to is that wanting to be with somebody else tends to mean that she does not want to be with me.

I have done the threesome thing a few times, and while it makes for wonderful Penthouse Forum stories, it was not all it was cracked up to be.

Sinergy

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David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)

Post #: 95

RE: Alone in my way of thinking? - 10/28/2007 3:56:38 PM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
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the funny thing is that. IF you are happy with what you do ok fine. I can accept that. But in my thoughts if i do not believe it is right. Then that is my point of view. And my points of view come from life experiences good and bad it is what makes us tick. I am older wiser and i know that from being in another lifestyle where cheating was ok thing to do cause sex rock nr roll was more important. But even surounded by that. Did not have to act like them .. We have a choice to be what ever who ever we want. I am strong secure with who and what i am.
one lesson i am learning is let people. Do what ever they want as long as it does not effect me. shrugs

(in reply to ruri)

Post #: 96

RE: Alone in my way of thinking? - 10/28/2007 4:17:32 PM

completenz

Posts: 315
Joined: 1/10/2007
Status: offline

we are with you on this angelic. What we have is intense and wonderful, we dont need to add another. It is not any insecurity that makes us feel this way, it is love and its our choice to be selfish

hugs
C & c

(in reply to angelic)

Post #: 97

RE: Alone in my way of thinking? - 10/28/2007 4:18:01 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

All I asked for, in order to shift the dynamic to a power exchange for me was to know if and when he was fucking someone else. NOT because i get jealous, NOT because I don't want him to. But simply because i place honesty, integrity and also safety above anything else.

Bear with me please, I am genuinely interested in what you said here. Why did you want to know if and when? I ask because I used to want to know, until I realized in my case it had no effect at all on my slavery to him and what our relationship is. I realized that my wanting to know was a way I was still trying to control, and whether I knew or didn't know, our relationship was what it was. It was liberating for me to let go of this.

When others say they want to know, I am interested why, because I like to learn ways of thinking that may differ from my own. I am interested in how you connect integrity, honesty and safety to his outside activities.

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 98

RE: Alone in my way of thinking? - 10/28/2007 4:19:46 PM

RosesHaveThorns

Posts: 312
Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline

Acceptance is not Tolerance. You can tolerate someone and think that they are wrong but not act on it. Or you can accept that people live differently then you, and accept that it is within their rights to do so and that it is perfectly okay for them to continue what they are doing.

(in reply to completenz)

Post #: 99

RE: Alone in my way of thinking? - 10/28/2007 5:23:07 PM

littlehumbledone

Posts: 72
Joined: 10/2/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: batshalom

littleh, I don't think anyone is calling monogamy an insecurity if it's what you believe in. Insecurity can lead to coerced "monogamy" but being with one partner, if it works for both partners, is a viable option.

They did later qualify their comments, but I had already posted by then, I agree with you about coerced monogamy, that just wouldnt work, the same as coercing someone into accepting/tolerating a third person.. I think both parties have to agree or it wont work, whether its monogamy or poly or even just occasional play partners.

_____________________________

...
I don't need anyone to blow out another woman's candle to make mine burn brighter.

(in reply to batshalom)

Post #: 100

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