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RE: How to Royally Screw Up a BDSM Relationship - 11/8/2007 8:47:32 PM   
Vendaval


Posts: 10297
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		1. Deception of self and partner(s)
2. Laziness
3. Insecurities
4. Sabotaging the relationship(s)
5. Being lazy and not appreciating the other person(s)

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So in this gray haze we'll be meating again, and on that
great day, I will tease you all the same."
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(in reply to chickpea)
Profile   Post #: 61
RE: How to Royally Screw Up a BDSM Relationship - 11/8/2007 9:17:29 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chickpea

We’ve heard of how to have a terrrrrrific, fantaaaaastic BDSM relationship…. Now, I’d like your comments on how to have a horribly dissatisfyingly dull inane BDSM relationship.  Note, let’s exclude violence or unsafe stuff here… I’m talking about HOW TO MAKE A BDSM THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO GO RIGHT, GO WRONG.  Yes indeed, we are not looking for the needle in the haystack, but rather the hay surrounding that darned needle!




I have been watching this thread from Sinergy's place, and all the way home I have been considering it. I suppose the reason why it has been on my mind is that there are countless ways to royally fuck up anything, and having read numerous ways that people can royally screw up something they value has me thinking about the focus of this thread.

I value and appreciate this thread because I was sitting with Sinergy when he made his reply, and we talked about it, and rather agreed... why not think of the ways to make a success of things?

Over the last few months I thought a BDSM relationship that I deeply cared about was "over" and totally "screwed up", I was wrong about that. The thing is from my view point I do not understand why all of you are focusing on what makes a relationship head south... instead why not focus on what makes it right?

Now I know some will say that the primary focus of this forum is how to make a success of D/s, but I have to say that  often this is not the case. A lot focus is  on distrust, lack of communication, and what is "wrong' in relationships on this forum....Personally I just want to focus on what is right. A few months ago I was focused on some of the very things that are mentioned on this thread, and wrongly I might add.

Howabout failure of your relationship is not an option? Howabout treasuring what exists right now? Howabout there are no perfect communicators, no perfect relationships, all relationships have issues... be gentle with each other... love each other anyways?

I am focused on what is right about our relationship, lord knows how grateful I am that we get that opportunity to appreciate what is right about each other, because so many things are right between us...

I guess I am just trying to say that one should be careful where they put their focus, it is too easy to focus on what can go wrong instead of valuing that which is right. That which you are focused on is that which you will see, often to the exclusion of everything else... so I just want to focus on the good.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to chickpea)
Profile   Post #: 62
RE: How to Royally Screw Up a BDSM Relationship - 11/8/2007 9:27:21 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Awesome post, Julia.  I love your point of view, and it's a direction I've recently turned to, also.  Actually, since the beginning of our relationship, my Master has been trying to teach me to focus on what can go right, rather than focus on what can go wrong.  It's how I have overcome most of my fears.  It's that whole power of attraction thing, isn't it?  :)

Thanks for putting this out there.  It was refreshing to read.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 63
RE: How to Royally Screw Up a BDSM Relationship - 11/8/2007 9:43:01 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

Awesome post, Julia.  I love your point of view, and it's a direction I've recently turned to, also.  Actually, since the beginning of our relationship, my Master has been trying to teach me to focus on what can go right, rather than focus on what can go wrong.  It's how I have overcome most of my fears.  It's that whole power of attraction thing, isn't it?  :)

Thanks for putting this out there.  It was refreshing to read.


It is the power of creating your life...

Just think of it this way.... if you were in a room full of gold bars, and there was one piece of shit on the floor, and all you did was focus on the one piece of shit on the floor, for you the gold would at the very least be diminished if not cease to exist for you altogether... what we pay attention to is that which takes up the movie screen of our lives.

It is not going back that I wanted to do, it is going forward. Which direction we take is a daily decision after all.

Edited to add: I am glad you got something from my post...smiles

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 64
RE: How to Royally Screw Up a BDSM Relationship - 11/8/2007 9:49:01 PM   
oreogirl


Posts: 1039
Joined: 8/24/2005
Status: offline 		The Dom forgetting his sub. Forgetting she exists.  Forgetting her emotions, her joys and triumphs, herpain and insecurities. Forgetting that at the end of the day, she is a person.

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Ich diene Ihnen, weil ich Sie liebe. Ich liebe Sie, weil ich Ihnen diene. Es macht in meinem Herzen keinen Unterschied.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 65
RE: How to Royally Screw Up a BDSM Relationship - 11/8/2007 11:18:24 PM   
rmanrr


Posts: 358
Joined: 7/25/2006
Status: offline 		Greetings
easy, lie, then lie about the lie, and when caught lie about the motive and make it all the female's fault...then continue to lie. That should do it in about what, a day? Further, blame anything or everything on the other party. Never take responsibility for yourself or your own actions....I mean dammit we are Doms right? ...(tongue firmly in cheek on the last one.)...


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Courage...the ability to overcome obstacles during the course.
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(in reply to oreogirl)
Profile   Post #: 66
RE: How to Royally Screw Up a BDSM Relationship - 11/9/2007 4:54:50 AM   
happypervert


Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline 		Bringing your disagreements to a message board so you can get everyone to agree with your side of the story, and then going back to your partner to say "See! They say I'm right, so you're wrong!"

(P.S. I'm not suggesting that folks stop doing it, because it is amusing as hell)


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(in reply to rmanrr)
Profile   Post #: 67
RE: How to Royally Screw Up a BDSM Relationship - 11/9/2007 6:56:18 AM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline 		frist off i have cought people in lies. I know everyone lies. not telling everything that  is important to know about your past is deception and a lie about who you are. So just to get to the point of things. In A relationship you should be allowed to make Mistakes. The term kiss and make up is what builds things in the good and bad times. Everyone has flaws. There Are FLawas you do not except cheating, abuse. Constant lieing.  If you love someone you will love them flaws and all. to many play the grass is always greener  It maybe for a month or a year but. But it really never is. So in a nut shell. Learn and grow who your with. life happens things happen grow up and be an adult

(in reply to happypervert)
Profile   Post #: 68
RE: How to Royally Screw Up a BDSM Relationship - 11/9/2007 7:37:20 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

quote:

But you really, really aren't


You're right i'm not and to top it all off, i'm leaving you since you havent paid the rent and there is no money left for shoes

You...you...you are leaving???  Me?????  Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!! 

I mean...damn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 69
RE: How to Royally Screw Up a BDSM Relationship - 11/9/2007 7:48:22 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

quote:

But you really, really aren't


You're right i'm not and to top it all off, i'm leaving you since you havent paid the rent and there is no money left for shoes

You...you...you are leaving???  Me?????  Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!! 

I mean...damn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Ok just for that i'm not leaving andddddddddd where is next months rent money?

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(in reply to CreativeDominant)
Profile   Post #: 70
RE: How to Royally Screw Up a BDSM Relationship - 11/9/2007 9:12:18 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chickpea
We’ve heard of how to have a terrrrrrific, fantaaaaastic BDSM relationship…. Now, I’d like your comments on how to have a horribly dissatisfyingly dull inane BDSM relationship.  Note, let’s exclude violence or unsafe stuff here… I’m talking about HOW TO MAKE A BDSM THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO GO RIGHT, GO WRONG.  Yes indeed, we are not looking for the needle in the haystack, but rather the hay surrounding that darned needle!


what this slave would consider to be a terrific, fantastic BDSM relationship for this slave WOULD BE horribly dissatisfying dull and inane to the next person.
 
according to Ben Stein, expounded upon in the book "How To Ruin Your Life", there are at least 35 specific things one can do to ensure that "things go wrong".  It is his opinion that it is important to know how to fail.
"successful folks have all kinds of different routes to triumph(some as simple as luck or inheritance), failures have a lot in common...if you can avoid the ways and means that losers take to wreck their lives, you may not necessarily be a huge success, but you'll certainly avoid failure.  If you can stay out of the heavy, obsessive gravity of self-destruction and its many tentacles, then you are well on your way to succeeding."
Here's a sample of some of his 35:
  1. Convince Yourself You are the Center of the Universe
  2. Criticize Early and Often
  3. Never Be Grateful
  4. Envy Everything; Appreciate Nothing
  5. Don't Enjoy the Simple Things in Life
  6. Treat The People Who are Good to You Badly
  7. Treat the People Who are Bad to You Well
  8. Keep Score
  9. Remember That No One Else Counts
  10. Know That You Don't Owe Anyone Anything
  11. Do It Your Way
  12. Be a Smart-Ass
  13. Whenever Possible, Say "I Told You So"


(in reply to chickpea)
Profile   Post #: 71
RE: How to Royally Screw Up a BDSM Relationship - 11/9/2007 9:17:19 AM   
HalloweenWhite


Posts: 1028
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aceton

Two Words: Long Distance


(Okay, not true for everyone, and every situation, but goddamn it can be a life waster.)



....Two more words.......here! here! (to the life waster comment)

(in reply to Aceton)
Profile   Post #: 72
RE: How to Royally Screw Up a BDSM Relationship - 11/9/2007 9:25:14 AM   
AMaster


Posts: 814
Joined: 8/4/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sylkenkitten

~cracks up~ .. how about ... you're kneeling wearing what he instructed you to wear when he gets home, he forgot to call to say guests were coming, ie his boss, and he walks in with his boss....

you're wearing nothing but his collar




That sounds more like humiliation play than a way to screw up a relationship.

(in reply to sylkenkitten)
Profile   Post #: 73
RE: How to Royally Screw Up a BDSM Relationship - 11/9/2007 12:10:14 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

quote:

But you really, really aren't


You're right i'm not and to top it all off, i'm leaving you since you havent paid the rent and there is no money left for shoes

You...you...you are leaving???  Me?????  Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!! 

I mean...damn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Ok just for that i'm not leaving andddddddddd where is next months rent money?


Ohhhhhhhhhhh...yea!!!!!!!!!!!  Ummmmmmmmm...tis in the mail?

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 74
RE: How to Royally Screw Up a BDSM Relationship - 11/9/2007 12:31:37 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

according to Ben Stein, expounded upon in the book "How To Ruin Your Life", there are at least 35 specific things one can do to ensure that "things go wrong". 


Wow, that's two people we share a liking for now :)

I looked through the list of 13 and can easily say "yes" to each of them with regard to my ex.  The next time he asks me why I left him (he still doesn't understand), I'll just send him Ben's book!

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 75
RE: How to Royally Screw Up a BDSM Relationship - 11/9/2007 12:42:47 PM   
meticulousgirl


Posts: 969
Joined: 2/20/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AMaster

quote:

ORIGINAL: sylkenkitten

~cracks up~ .. how about ... you're kneeling wearing what he instructed you to wear when he gets home, he forgot to call to say guests were coming, ie his boss, and he walks in with his boss....

you're wearing nothing but his collar




That sounds more like humiliation play than a way to screw up a relationship.


Yeah but it was a good one

~meticulous~

(in reply to AMaster)
Profile   Post #: 76
RE: How to Royally Screw Up a BDSM Relationship - 11/9/2007 2:13:37 PM   
velvetears


Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline 		Convince a sub you are the dom of her dreams and when you get her hooked spring it on her that if she really loved you and was submissive she'd switch and dominate you for your pleasure. 

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(in reply to meticulousgirl)
Profile   Post #: 77
RE: How to Royally Screw Up a BDSM Relationship - 11/9/2007 2:56:45 PM   
MsDonnaMia


Posts: 95
Joined: 6/30/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania


The thing is from my view point I do not understand why all of you are focusing on what makes a relationship head south... instead why not focus on what makes it right?



ummm...because they were asked to focus on this in the OP?

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 78
RE: How to Royally Screw Up a BDSM Relationship - 11/9/2007 4:28:13 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MsDonnaMia


quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania


The thing is from my view point I do not understand why all of you are focusing on what makes a relationship head south... instead why not focus on what makes it right?



ummm...because they were asked to focus on this in the OP?


Yes, I believe I addressed what was in the OP when I posted my entire comment... way to take one snippet out to skew my point... I find it rather amusing when people do this...

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to MsDonnaMia)
Profile   Post #: 79
RE: How to Royally Screw Up a BDSM Relationship - 11/9/2007 7:20:46 PM   
MsDonnaMia


Posts: 95
Joined: 6/30/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsDonnaMia


quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania


The thing is from my view point I do not understand why all of you are focusing on what makes a relationship head south... instead why not focus on what makes it right?



ummm...because they were asked to focus on this in the OP?


Yes, I believe I addressed what was in the OP when I posted my entire comment... way to take one snippet out to skew my point... I find it rather amusing when people do this...



Oh, come on.. what you said was somewhat wise, even if couched in Juliaoceania: 1 / Everyone else: 0

Thing is, another thread addressing exactly what you brought up would be sweet.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 80
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