AAkasha
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Joined: 11/27/2004
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quote:
ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika
I’ve been perusing these boards for over a year now. As many regulars know, I don’t consider myself a lifestyler—that is a person who lives a bdsm lifestyle—I do not define my personal relationships in a D/s or M/s dynamic.
For those who don’t know me, I am a natural dominant woman who is attracted to other naturally dominant assertive people, more often then not men, who generally like it when I take the lead in the relationship, especially in intimate matters. I am also an inherently kinky woman who has very little limits in regards to sexuality and has a penchant for sadomasochism as both a top and a bottom.
I do not live by any lifestyle code. I have my own ideas of what safe and consensual means which may or may not jive with people in the lifestyle. I have my own ideas on a lot of things that may or may not jive with people in the lifestyle. I also know that there is a lot of disagreement between people in the lifestyle which is normal. But what I'm trying to get at is that I really don't care inherently that rules get figured out. My naturally dominant side doesn't care for anyone else's rules or protocol. Just like I am an atheist and an agnostic and I don’t really follow any God-like figure’s rule.
So what am I and what am I doing here, right? I’ve been asking myself that question lately to be honest. I look at the relationships dynamics described on the boards and I have to say, though I totally respect everyone’s right to live out their relationship the way they want, I cannot relate to 90% of you. I read the posts lately and I really feel like “what on earth do I have to contribute to this”. I have to say, it hasn’t always been this way, otherwise I have no idea how I would have tallied up this many posts! It seems these boards haven’t always been so “lifestyle” oriented. Or maybe I was just clueless.
Now this is in no way, shape or form a rant. If the natural direction that collarme is going is to cater to lifestylers, then so be it. The name of the site signifies a strong lifestyle statement—Collar me—so it would seem only natural, right?
I’m actually wondering if there is a way for lifestylers and non-lifestylers to co-exist and/or if they should. I often get the feeling that many lifestylers view us non-lifestylers as players and wannabees. Now this isn’t going to affect in any way, shape or form how I view myself or my relationship dynamics, but it does affect how I interact on here. The tension isn’t super obvious but I feel it underlying and that is why I bring it up, not to point fingers at anyone but rather so that we can openly and honestly discuss it.
- LA
I define myself pretty much the same as you do (we seem to have a lot in common, even down to our lust for hockey), and I have an observation to add that may or may not be true. How many of the "lifestylers" that see "non-lifestylers" as players or wannabees are actually people who really don't have any real, longterm bdsm relationship experience at all -- and what they are thumbing their nose at is a relationship dynamic that isn't "bdsm enough" for them, and so they settle for the alternative -- nothing -- and wait for it to come along. Because generally I think most of the "lifestylers" that I know are legitimately doing bdsm in a power exchange dynamic for the long haul don't seem to have the 'domlier than though' (or whatever) vibe as just the random posters who come out of nowhere. Of course, there are exceptions.
It's like kinky people log on and start learning online and when it comes time to sort of identify themselves, they choose to go to the top of the list as they see it, the most "real", it's gotta be real, hey, it's LIFESTYLE, it's the real deal, sign them up! But their real life experience is limited to online or nothing -- that's not to say they are fakers, liars, or players -- they know what they want but haven't "found" it yet. But they don't dare label themselves as anything that won't be taken seriously. Or, their eyes are bigger than their stomach.
There is no appropriate term, I think, for people like you and me. Like you, I gravitate toward people as aggressive or dominant as me in relationships, but I must have the sadomasochistic "fix" -- so much so that I can't give it up, and it exists like an undercurrent in my life with spikes of activity and intensity, broken up by short periods of time where my batteries recharge. But I have never wanted a man to be "submissive" to me as the key dynamic to my relationship, I don't want to be "in charge" but I am not submissive either. I'm into equality. But when I am actually domming, it's incredibly intense and the power exchange is 100% there.
A day does not go by that a femdom fantasy does not at least pop into my head, there is not a time in my life - ever -- that seeing a man in some sort of restraint hasn't flipped a switch inside of me to either perk my interest at the last, or completely turn me on.
The lifestylers that live a 24/7 dynamic do have completely different issues and things to discuss than someone like me, I can totally understand that. But I wonder how many times these issues are brought up in these forums and most of the responses are hypotheticals from people because they really aren't living it, but they hold it as their ideal. And, I think newbies kind of feel like they won't be taken seriously if they don't aim for the top.
If anything, watching the dynamics change around here is interesting, and watching other discussion groups also. It has changed so much in 10 years, and I definitely think in 1995, 96, 97 on the bdsm newsgroups there wasn't even close to a division between "lifestyers" and non-lifestylers, and no one dared lump non-lifestylers into a category of less serious about their kink or less real.
I know what I have makes me tremendously happy. You know what, if I could have a femdom dynamic 24/7 and have that "rush" the entire time, sure, of course I would go for it! But that's like presuming I can just have constant intense sexual and sensual relations with little or no breaks and 15 orgasms a day. It's a nice "fantasy" but in reality, my play is intense and I need breaks. I prefer the build up, I prefer the subtle femdom flirtations that thread one "release" to the next. In fact, I like the little breaks spread out sometimes on purpose so it can be even more intense.
There's room for all kinds of bdsm'ers -- the trick is, helping people accurately define what it is they are, and what it is they seek. I don't think a lot of people here know -- or care.
Akasha
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