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RE: Sharing - 12/7/2007 10:12:06 AM   
breatheasone


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Joined: 7/14/2007
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quote:

However, to address the op - insecurity is only part of why we don't share or play with others. The rest is emotional intimacy. I need it to play or have sex. If he decided to share me, I wouldn't have any emotional intimacy or trust in the person he shared me with and I would lose trust in him. I would not feel as safe with him, I would close down, I would put up walls.

As the basis of our relationship is emotional transparency, doing this would harm the relationship, quite probably irreparably.

I completely understand this.


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RE: Sharing - 12/7/2007 10:15:12 AM   
breatheasone


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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

Fast reply

I may one day indeed share my Daddy and he may share me with another woman, but there will be no men involved in our play...

When I answered this it was from the perspective of being shared with a man, not with a woman. So since I am ok (in theory) with one, I am not ok with the other... so does not wanting another man to touch me make me insecure?

I don't think so...I feel the same. I can't imagine letting another man touch me the way my Master/Daddy does....Ewww no...YUCK


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RE: Sharing - 12/7/2007 10:16:21 AM   
breatheasone


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quote:

i am an all or nothing girl.

I can't tell you how many times I have said this verbatim to my Master/Daddy LOL

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RE: Sharing - 12/7/2007 10:23:05 AM   
ghitaPVH


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Joined: 11/14/2007
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quote:

I think some people view it as a challenge to be overcome. 


I know you said "some", but I wanted to answer it anyway...

I dont veiw it as a challenge, nor does it have anything to do with fear like Stephann suggested...or intimacy or anything else...

I just happen to enjoy sex...so does my Sir. The more sex I can experiance the happier I am. Im not at all afraid of my Sir packing his bags and moving out of the house. He wouldnt keep coming home in the afternoons, handing over his paycheck and playing with the babies he gave me if he wasnt happy right where he was. Yea, occasionally I get those oh so typical insecurity feelings that most people get at some point, but it doesnt take much for me to get over them, and I dont force myself to get over them either....I dont share to cure any emotional problems, nor do I share because Im lacking anything at home with my Sir...we share cause well...were horndogs. My goal is to experiance all the sex I possibly can before my body gives out on me. Trust me, my Sir is absolutly amazing in bed, so its not that I want anything better...but well..different is still different and different is exciting. Sometimes it really sucks. sometimes its really great. but I mean...even bad sex is good sex...ok..not always but usually...

gads I cant believe Im admitting all this to yall...yep..."Hi, my name is ghita and Ive admitted Im a slut"

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RE: Sharing - 12/7/2007 10:25:24 AM   
MistressPav


Posts: 350
Joined: 11/14/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

Fast reply

I may one day indeed share my Daddy and he may share me with another woman, but there will be no men involved in our play...

When I answered this it was from the perspective of being shared with a man, not with a woman. So since I am ok (in theory) with one, I am not ok with the other... so does not wanting another man to touch me make me insecure?


Aye.  Same here.  There are never any other men involved in our play by MY choice.  My hubby and I only play with other women.  So, no that doesn't make you insecure, but you may be called a "female chauvinist" like someone called me the other day (because my profile said **females and couples only**)


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RE: Sharing - 12/7/2007 10:26:33 AM   
Stephann


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quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

Hi Stephann, no...I do not fear sharing. If I have that kind of fear I couldn't be in a relationship. So no its not fear. I do not view monogamy as being trapped either...its FAR from it...Its a freedom....To know that this one person is your playground. Your canvas. You know them inside and out...you can be free in them...I CAN'T do that with casual "share buddies"



I'm very wary of diving too much deeper into this subject.  I know it's an emotional one, that can set tempers flaring.

The comment about 'share buddies' to me, suggests that people who are poly or who do engage in casual sex outside of their primary relationships, somehow cannot come to know their primaries intimately.  Certainly, this isn't the case.

I know that when I involve someone with charlotte (male or female), it is from a 'slave, we're going to play with others tonight' perspective.  Her participation stems more from obedience to me, than from a desire to have sex with others.  There's other, more complicated emotional issues that she faces as well, that we've discussed at length.  Overall, I think the opportunity to serve in a manner that she finds difficult to be positive for her, and makes her a better slave for me.

With Tigrita, involving someone else is approached more from a 'play' perspective for both of us.  The other person is someone we share, between us; much like if we were both to sit down to a great meal together. 

In both cases, the act is extremely intimate between us.  It isn't finding new canvas to play on; it's adding a new depth and quality to the canvas we're already using.

julia & breathes;

you both mention that adding another woman to be different from adding another man to your activities.  How does gender play a role in your choices and feelings?

Regards,

Stephan


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RE: Sharing - 12/7/2007 10:29:18 AM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		I have no problem with sharing.  I DO have a problem with secrets and betrayals, and at first glance you would think that in an open relationship that wouldn't be an issue.  Sigh.  For some people, it's never enough.

Cali


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RE: Sharing - 12/7/2007 10:29:43 AM   
breatheasone


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quote:

gads I cant believe Im admitting all this to yall...yep..."Hi, my name is ghita and Ive admitted Im a slut"

Hello slut!!....LOL just kiddin... I really do think its great that Y'all are happy healthy and comfortable with your dynamic. I wish you continued happiness and health !


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RE: Sharing - 12/7/2007 10:31:45 AM   
ghitaPVH


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Stephann

you both mention that adding another woman to be different from adding another man to your activities.  How does gender play a role in your choices and feelings?


Well...you didnt specifically ask me...but Ill answer anyway..

for me, adding a girl is way different than adding another man or another couple.. I guess my reasons would be different if I wasnt bi...or if my Sir happened to be bi I guess..but..ok..heres my answer..

adding a girl is well..something we can share, something we can enjoy together, a bit more of a "couples" activity. Whenever another man is involved, Im enjoying something on my own, and that can be difficult at first, learning to let yourself go that its ok to feel pleasure and enjoy the orgasm even though its not being caused by or shared by your Dom/Master/Top type person.

_____________________________

Don't expect anything of me and I promise I'll never disappoint you.

"The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything. --Nietzsche"

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Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Sharing - 12/7/2007 10:37:11 AM   
gorgeous1


Posts: 367
Joined: 11/14/2007
Status: offline 		Hubby and I don't want to share. We are monogamous because we made the commitment to forsake the flesh of all others. I am not speaking for any other couples, I am only speaking for us when I say this...once Pandora's Box is opened, it cannot be closed. I am not insecure, but I CANNOT BEAR the thought of my husband touching another woman. I CANNOT BEAR the thought of another man touching me. I don't want to touch another man. Thinking of it breaks my heart. I like the fact that we are intensely possessive of each other. I like knowing that my husband views me as HIS possession, his property, and that my body and soul are his.

My husband and I talk freely about other people that we find attractive, and it spurs no jealousy. For instance, I just made a couture gown for an absolutely gorgeous young lady. She has a seriously rocking body, and the dress I made for her fit her like a glove. She came over every evening for a week for fittings, and we would both discuss her body and how beautiful she was. I told him about how adorable her ass was in her thong pantie- I had to help her zip into this dress. I can drone on and on about Brad Pit and he knows that I get HOT every time I see the movie American History X and Ed Norton sinks to his knees with his hands clasped behind his back and those rippling muscles....pant, pant, pant!

We are are sensual creatures, and to pretend we are not looking at or attracted to other people is silly, I think. I say, look, don't touch is what works for us.

To pretend we do not fantasize about others is silly too. I know for a fact that if it could happen with no remorse or regrets, he want to have me and another woman at the same time...what guy wouldn't? I have fantasized about it too, but it will remain a fantasy...to live it out isn't worth it.

We have both had our little fun experiences that happened before we met- when we married, we gave that up, and the trade was worth it.

We both get along better with the opposite sex, and my husband and I have maintained our close friendships with those of the opposite sex that we had prior to our marriage. My husband knows I belong to this forum, and he knows that I exchange private messages with some people, and that some of them are men. I have no secrets from him, and he has no secrets from me, and he has never given me a reason to feel like i cannot trust him...well, OK, he DID get into trouble once for staying out late for a bachelor party, and he said he looked but didn't touch, but all the same, I made him sleep on the couch that night and I laughed at him when he puked on a Harry Potter book the next morning!

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RE: Sharing - 12/7/2007 10:37:34 AM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Stephann

quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

Hi Stephann, no...I do not fear sharing. If I have that kind of fear I couldn't be in a relationship. So no its not fear. I do not view monogamy as being trapped either...its FAR from it...Its a freedom....To know that this one person is your playground. Your canvas. You know them inside and out...you can be free in them...I CAN'T do that with casual "share buddies"



I'm very wary of diving too much deeper into this subject.  I know it's an emotional one, that can set tempers flaring.

The comment about 'share buddies' to me, suggests that people who are poly or who do engage in casual sex outside of their primary relationships, somehow cannot come to know their primaries intimately.  Certainly, this isn't the case.

I know that when I involve someone with charlotte (male or female), it is from a 'slave, we're going to play with others tonight' perspective.  Her participation stems more from obedience to me, than from a desire to have sex with others.  There's other, more complicated emotional issues that she faces as well, that we've discussed at length.  Overall, I think the opportunity to serve in a manner that she finds difficult to be positive for her, and makes her a better slave for me.

With Tigrita, involving someone else is approached more from a 'play' perspective for both of us.  The other person is someone we share, between us; much like if we were both to sit down to a great meal together. 

In both cases, the act is extremely intimate between us.  It isn't finding new canvas to play on; it's adding a new depth and quality to the canvas we're already using.

julia & breathes;

you both mention that adding another woman to be different from adding another man to your activities.  How does gender play a role in your choices and feelings?

Regards,

Stephan


Stephenn...no Sir...I never said that if you share you are not intimate with your primary partner...I said I can't have that intimacy with a casual play partner. The fact that sharing your women is good for all of you is great...and if they like doing it and benefit from being shared and do it happily I think thats great....Its just not for me.

For the record I also never said one gender is ok and another isn't.....I don't share PERIOD.


_____________________________

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Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Sharing - 12/7/2007 10:42:01 AM   
hmmmmnbird


Posts: 51
Joined: 1/30/2005
Status: offline 		I know for me, personally, the desire not to share has everything to do with my insecurity. If I were in a secure, committed relationship, I would enjoy 'sharing', and being shared. But, I'm too insecure to enjoy it right now. I think I even stated that in my profile. 

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RE: Sharing - 12/7/2007 10:45:11 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

you both mention that adding another woman to be different from adding another man to your activities.  How does gender play a role in your choices and feelings?





The idea of someone touching what I have given him is repugnant to me. He pulls my hair, touches my naughty bits, spanks me, pinches me, makes love to me... the idea of someone putting their paws on me in that way is repulsive. I am rather happy that he finds it repulsive too.

If I were with another woman to put on a show for him it would not be for my sexual pleasure, but for his... and this arouses me more than the idea of being sexual with another female... there has been no decision as to if this will ever happen or not because our primary relationship is most important. My feelings about it are not certain, and he would not do anything that would harm me emotionally.

He has stated point blank, no one inflicts pain on me but him... he would not trust another dominant to strike me because they may harm me and that would be his ultimate responsibility if that occurred... and he just does not trust anyone with me that way.

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RE: Sharing - 12/7/2007 10:46:39 AM   
breatheasone


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quote:

ORIGINAL: ghitaPVH

quote:

ORIGINAL: Stephann

you both mention that adding another woman to be different from adding another man to your activities.  How does gender play a role in your choices and feelings?


Well...you didnt specifically ask me...but Ill answer anyway..

for me, adding a girl is way different than adding another man or another couple.. I guess my reasons would be different if I wasnt bi...or if my Sir happened to be bi I guess..but..ok..heres my answer..

adding a girl is well..something we can share, something we can enjoy together, a bit more of a "couples" activity. Whenever another man is involved, Im enjoying something on my own, and that can be difficult at first, learning to let yourself go that its ok to feel pleasure and enjoy the orgasm even though its not being caused by or shared by your Dom/Master/Top type person.

See this is my whole point...you said "Whenever another man is involved, Im enjoying something on my own, and that can be difficult at first, learning to let yourself go that its ok to feel pleasure and enjoy the orgasm even though its not being caused by or shared by your Dom/Master/Top type person."
I don't understand putting yourself in the postion of having to learn its ok to let another man touch you...because if I have to learn to "let it happen" and learn to be "ok" with it then that means i am not ok with it, and I am going against how I really feel.

Geez I hope you don't think I'm picking on you...i'm just curious and I value your opinion. 



< Message edited by breatheasone -- 12/7/2007 10:48:59 AM >

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RE: Sharing - 12/7/2007 10:51:21 AM   
juliaoceania


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From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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quote:

I don't understand putting yourself in the postion of having to learn its ok to let another man touch you...because if I have to learn to "let it happen" and learn to be "ok" with it then that means i am not ok with it, and I am going against how I really feel.


 
I will address this even though it is not addressed to me...

I could learn to be ok with many things that I originally had trouble doing, if he wanted me to become ok with it. Each of us have our own comfort levels and limits... these change over time and in relation to our One.

_____________________________

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RE: Sharing - 12/7/2007 10:54:23 AM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

I don't understand putting yourself in the postion of having to learn its ok to let another man touch you...because if I have to learn to "let it happen" and learn to be "ok" with it then that means i am not ok with it, and I am going against how I really feel.


 
I will address this even though it is not addressed to me...

I could learn to be ok with many things that I originally had trouble doing, if he wanted me to become ok with it. Each of us have our own comfort levels and limits... these change over time and in relation to our One.

Thankyou for the insight


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RE: Sharing - 12/7/2007 11:03:01 AM   
ghitaPVH


Posts: 1363
Joined: 11/14/2007
Status: offline 		Im sorry, I should have clarified..I said it "can" be difficult..not that it was for me. Ive chatting with alot of people in the swingers lifestyle who have mentioned the same thing. I do know  that the two types of play are way different in my mind. When Im fucking another man, well..tell the truth its for my own enjoyment. I mean, yea I know my Sir likes watching me get pleasure...he gets off on that..but really, when im having sex with a guy, what gets me off is the sex with the guy...when Im playing with another girl, and its just me, my Sir and the extra girl..Im usually not that into the other girl...me and my Sir have way different tastes in girls usually so if we do add another girl its usually all about putting on a show for him. Ok, yes there are girls whom im attracted to and want to keep all to myself (yes, this means you, Trapped) but for the most part, if its just another girl, yea Im gonna have an orgasm from the sensations but what really trips my trigger is seeing him get all worked up and excited...does any of that make sense?

Very early on, when we first started talking about playing with other people...it was kind of a progressive thing. I mean yes we've always openly talked about other people we were attracted to. Damn it im married not dead...we'd be fooling each other if we didnt admit to being sexually attracted to other people..so it wasnt all that hard to move into the "what if" thoughts..and so it kind of progressed to just flirting openly with other people..then maybe dancing with other people..then BDSM type play with other people...then sex with other people...of course talking about thoughts, feelings, emotions all the way. It was never hard, or difficult. It was always enjoyable and led us to be more close with each other honestly. Sometimes In my head, before something happened, I would think it wouoldbe hard..but usually the thought was very fleeting and passed and the whole gradul progression from flirting to sex wasnt really planned, it just kind of happened. I think if we had started playing with others from the eary early months of dating each other it never would have worked as well....we had taken the time to really get to know each other and become comfortable with each other...it was 4 years into our relationship before we added anyone else in any capacity. And Ive talked to others who say the same thing...it was much later in their relationship before they were able to consider something like this... and for us...almost all of our sharing is ONLY sex, or ONLY bdsm..not both. in other words, we keep the D/s dynamics out of our swinging, its just a night of enjoyable sex, I dont "submit" to anyone...or if we are at a BDSM party and someone else swings a whip at me, there is nothing sexual about it..its just another way of feeling pain....no intmacy...

Now theres M...who is my Sirs best friend and basically number 2 in command around here if that makes any sense...whenever P isnt here..Iraq or any other reason, M is in charge. and that encompasses a D/s relatioship and a sexual one..but thats quite a bit a different topic all together. P is still who I belong to compleatly, M is just P's way of making sure there is always someone here taking care of me and seeing to my needs.

_____________________________

Don't expect anything of me and I promise I'll never disappoint you.

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Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Sharing - 12/7/2007 11:07:05 AM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

Stephenn...no Sir...I never said that if you share you are not intimate with your primary partner...I said I can't have that intimacy with a casual play partner. The fact that sharing your women is good for all of you is great...and if they like doing it and benefit from being shared and do it happily I think thats great....Its just not for me.

For the record I also never said one gender is ok and another isn't.....I don't share PERIOD.



My apologies then; you responded to a post she made about other women being included but not men, and simply said "I feel the same" on it.

http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=1460355

Sorry for the misinterpretation.

Julia

See, I completely understand that.  People can be very possessive, and male dominants are extremely possessive of female submissives (I find.)  I think there's something of the primal "this is my woman" involved; the woman desiring a mate for life, a man powerful enough to fend off invaders.  Thus his permitting of another man to be with her, suggests that she is either no longer valued enough by him to protect, or that he's simply not strong enough to protect her anymore.  I'm not saying it's necessarily like this for you, but I do think as a concept, it's one (of many) motivations.

Stephan

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RE: Sharing - 12/7/2007 11:10:14 AM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ghitaPVH

Ok, yes there are girls whom im attracted to and want to keep all to myself (yes, this means you, Trapped)


That's it, pistols at dawn!!!



_____________________________

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"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

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Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Sharing - 12/7/2007 11:11:01 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I do not know if that is what it is from his perspective, but from mine it very much is.. especially this part

quote:

she is either no longer valued enough by him to protect

 

In my experience, on a deep level, if a man quit being possessive of you, it means he no longer values you... that would be probably the best way of describing why I have zero desire to be touched by another man... period

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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Profile   Post #: 60
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