Tigrita
Posts: 484
Joined: 8/16/2007
From: California
Status: offline
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quote:
I've been in a monogamous relationship in the past and experienced insecurity if he spent a lot of time and/or attention on another woman. It absolutely was insecurity, tied up in a lot of other insecurities in the relationship and about myself.
After that (my first) relationship, I've never felt a need for monogamy in a healthy relationship.
I get what you are saying... for you..if your relationship is healthy you do not need monogamy
I just want to clarify that I don't think that only unhealthy people desire monogamy, I realize I phrased that a bit ambiguously. Just that I am not naturally monogamous, and my sexual insecurities in that relationship were tied into other insecurities about myself at that time in my life.
quote:
I tend to believe that strict need for monogamy is based in insecurity, but not that this is necessarily a bad thing for monogamists.
Are you saying people that want monogamy are insecure? Again, I admit my phrasing of the first post was not ideal. I think that people who actively fear their partners wandering eyes or thoughts are insecure. I know a lot of monogamous couples who are completely secure and have no desire on either side to be poly, or share, or swing. But they are also secure about discussing attractions and even having crushes that the partner knows about. No one is the most attractive person in the world, and it is human nature to be attracted to other human beings, I feel it is nout unhealthy to acknowledge that, and for me it is not unhealthy to even indulge in that attraction if desired. I guess I feel that if it is human nature to look, and the people in the relationship are secure, then why not touch too? Look but don't touch kind of says insecurity to me too. But that is from my own perspective. I'm thinking of a couple I know who are very secure about 'looking' but have no drive whatsoever to 'touch', and I know they are very secure and happy, so it is just different for each individual and relationship.
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That insecurity is one of the most base instincts, and when it kicks in, it is often for good reason, because in most relationships, especially if monogamy is decided on from the start, if eyes (or more) are wandering, it means trouble in paradise.
Yes..If by or more you mean sexually intimacy then yes for me that would be a problem [Note, I edited out something that you mistakenly got in my quote box, though I agreed with that too.]
I feel that the wandering of eyes, or even genitals, are just human nature and I don't feel a need to stifle it personally, as long as I know that what we have as a couple is strong and he has reason to come home to me and keep that relationship strong. Wandering anything isn't a threat unless there are problems between the two of us to begin with.
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I think that trouble more often stems from within the relationship though, and eyes wander for a distraction, escape...
Distractions are a normal part of life, seeking an escape is a big problem I'd say. But I don't see how that is connected to just monogamous couples. I'm certain that its possible to cheat in a poly relationship as well.
You can cheat in poly too, there are as many ways to do poly or swinging as there are couples who do it. If they break their rules they are cheating. And again, I would think this would stem from problems within the relationship rather than problems an outside partner introduces. With poly giving partners the freedom to explore to some degree or another, it makes 'cheating' or breaking the rules an even more glaring indication that there are problems between the primary partners. In either case, cheating provides a distraction and escape from something that will either continue to make the primary partners miserable anyway, and come to light sooner or later, whether there was infidelity involved or not.
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This is why I feel that even if my man plays with others, if he keeps coming home to me it is for good reason, what we have is the most important to him (and vice versa).
That mindset is what works best for you and thats great.
And if he doesn't, I'm quite certain it would have very little to do with the other person he may or may not be seeing, it would have to do with problems or incompatibilities between us. That philosophy is what gets me over insecurity.
So you believe if your man didn't come home, it would be because of problems and incompatibilities, and not because he wants to be with another? Exactly. It would mean that what we had was not fulfilling to him, and that would be independent of whoever he might be seeing. If what we had was fulfilling, he'd keep coming back, and if it wasn't he'd wouldn't be coming back, whether there was someone else in the picture or not. I don't believe that attraction and sex can supersede a meaningful relationship unless they fall deeply in love with the outsider, and out of love with the other at the same time. Even if they fell deeply in love with another, I could work around (or into) that, as long as they are in love with me too. The more love in the world, the better! This is actually pretty much what happened to bring Stephan, Charlotte and I together and personally I could not be happier. I should also note that hiding a secondary relationship is not cool (unless keeping extracurriculars on the dl is the defined arrangement between the primaries), and that has not to do with monogamy vs. poly/swinging/whatever, but with honesty and trust. (And by 'come home' I mean maintain the strong, honest, loving relationship with me; I can accept a night away with another.)
quote:
I'm not saying it is universally insecurity, I can certainly understand 'what's mine is mine' and there may be many other perspectives, but I think insecurity can be a big influence based on my friend's experiences.
Yes...I know that is why some people do not want to share...but its not why everyone doesn't want to.
I agree. Insecurity is just one of the very top motivators I've observed personally, but I can visualize, and have witnessed relationships where monogamy is not driven by insecurity. Sorry if my initial post was a bit cut and dry in places.
_____________________________
~ Tigrita
There is no right path, only the path you take.
Success is making life happen, versus just letting life happen to you.
"Many of the things I enjoy, I enjoy because I don't enjoy them." - Charlotte
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RE: Sharing - 
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