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What's a married man to do? - 12/15/2007 2:08:03 PM   
fan2sighz


Posts: 2
Joined: 8/15/2005
Status: offline 		I'm married and would like to explore my submissive side. But my wife is not only uninterested, she finds the subject unacceptably perverse. Is there a way to pursue my fantasies while maintaining my marriage? Thanks
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: What's a married man to do? - 12/15/2007 2:09:19 PM   
Sirsinini


Posts: 172
Joined: 11/13/2007
Status: offline 		These answers will be interesting.

(in reply to fan2sighz)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: What's a married man to do? - 12/15/2007 2:22:11 PM   
secretagentgirl


Posts: 70
Joined: 9/16/2007
Status: offline 		As my profile states, I am in a relationship and looking to explore outside of it.  Basically people will tell you a few things, other than the fact that you are an asshole:
You shouldn't have married that person in the first place (well, too late for that)
You should tell her you want to explore outside the marriage and get her OK (good luck on that)
You should try to open her mind to it more - there may be a chance.

Any other option will be deemed unacceptable to the general public.  Face it, you'll end up lying to her which is wrong as we all know.
It's up to you to weight the risks and the pros and cons of finding a solution.  Just don't expect anyone here to offer up ideas for you.  Ain't gonna happen.


(in reply to Sirsinini)
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RE: What's a married man to do? - 12/15/2007 2:24:51 PM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: secretagentgirl

As my profile states, I am in a relationship and looking to explore outside of it.  Basically people will tell you a few things, other than the fact that you are an asshole:
You shouldn't have married that person in the first place (well, too late for that)
You should tell her you want to explore outside the marriage and get her OK (good luck on that)
You should try to open her mind to it more - there may be a chance.

Any other option will be deemed unacceptable to the general public.  Face it, you'll end up lying to her which is wrong as we all know.
It's up to you to weight the risks and the pros and cons of finding a solution.  Just don't expect anyone here to offer up ideas for you.  Ain't gonna happen.




I believe this response is correct.  There are plenty here that do it without informing their spouses of it, but I really doubt you're going to get any help on this forum how to do that.

Have you ever talked to your spouse about sex or even play without any intercourse outside of the marriage?

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 12/15/2007 2:28:06 PM >

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

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RE: What's a married man to do? - 12/15/2007 2:25:42 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fan2sighz

I'm married and would like to explore my submissive side. But my wife is not only uninterested, she finds the subject unacceptably perverse. Is there a way to pursue my fantasies while maintaining my marriage? Thanks



A. Divorce her
B. Cheat on her
C. Go to a pro-Domme
D. jerk off alot
E. fantasize while having sex with her
F. wait for better answers from others on the forum
G. keep trying to talk her into it

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 12/15/2007 2:26:44 PM >

(in reply to fan2sighz)
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RE: What's a married man to do? - 12/15/2007 2:26:03 PM   
HottLicks


Posts: 174
Joined: 9/21/2007
Status: offline 		I know someone in this situation.  He and his wife have an understanding that she doesn't need to know all he does, but he doesn't include sexual things in his submission to another.  I can respect this because she has agreed not to know all and he doesn't have to do without some submission in his life.  She doesn't object to his being willing to do for her, but she thinks the whole idea rather perverted.  She doesn't understand that it isn't always about sex or weird sex at that.

It isn't easy for him and I am sure it isn't easy for you, but only you and she can work this out.  I have seen more hide, lie and cheat, which does far more harm than causes fulfillment of needs.  Maybe helping your wife understand that submission doesn't have to mean perverted or weak.  Submission can be very loving without the bondage or pain type things. {edited to state... that it can be loving with these things too! God... didn't want flack on that one!} Submission and dominance are often viewed very differently by those in the lifestyle and those outside of it.  One pointer I would like to give here is please don't push.  If she doesn't understand it and can only see it as deviant, you will only turn her off to it more and feel more frustration than ever.

Good luck to you!

< Message edited by HottLicks -- 12/15/2007 2:58:45 PM >

(in reply to Sirsinini)
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RE: What's a married man to do? - 12/15/2007 2:30:21 PM   
abytchgoddess4u


Posts: 268
Joined: 10/17/2004
Status: offline 		Unless you're open and honest with her...no.




_____________________________

"Everything in the Universe Is within you.
Ask all from yourself." Rumi

"The world will know and understand me someday. But if that day does not arrive, it does not greatly matter. I shall have opened the way for other women."
George Sand

(in reply to fan2sighz)
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RE: What's a married man to do? - 12/15/2007 2:30:33 PM   
camille65


Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fan2sighz

I'm married and would like to explore my submissive side. But my wife is not only uninterested, she finds the subject unacceptably perverse. Is there a way to pursue my fantasies while maintaining my marriage? Thanks
 I was married to a man who also found the subject unacceptably perverse. So I found cyber-sex  and indulged all of my perverse fantasies there. Then I divorced him...

_____________________________


~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).




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RE: What's a married man to do? - 12/15/2007 2:31:22 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		You'd almost think God invented marriage just to torture us.

(in reply to fan2sighz)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: What's a married man to do? - 12/15/2007 2:36:51 PM   
Jasmyn


Posts: 1234
Joined: 2/6/2004
From: New Zealand
Status: offline
quote:

Is there a way to pursue my fantasies while maintaining my marriage?


Yes...but it takes a lot of hard work and an incredibly understanding partner for it to happen. 

You say she find's the idea unacceptably perverse ... well bully for her ... time she got over herself and her hang ups.  

Talk to her again ... ask her how she would feel about your seeing someone professionally ie: having a paid session with a pro dom .. or finding someone local who accepts married submissives.  Though I would say the latter generally has the potential to become complicated UNLESS the dom in question has no desire for anything beyond seeing you on a casual basis, ergo doesn't put demands on you or your marriage.

Give her some power here ... tell her these needs aren't going away ... but that she gets to set the limits ... allowing her to put some boundaries in place and STICK TO THEM ... eg no sex, or no sexual contact ... no marks ... never on Sundays ... whatever it is that will help her feel comfortable with the notion of you exploring this outside your four walls. 

Don't expect it to happen overnight .. and DON'T whatever you do pressure or bully her into making it happen faster than she is comfortable with.

Don't throw it in her face either ...  

Start with one session ... that sometime in the next three months you can visit with a dom ... your wife doesn't need to be bored or horrified with the details ... but that at some stage over the next three months (from the time you have her agreement) you will see someone ...

Whatever you do DON'T break her trust ... if she agrees to one session in three months ... don't be an arse and have five... or be and arse and whine and whinge and pressure her into agreeing you can have more ...

Baby steps ... respect her at all times.

_____________________________

quote:

"To learn the art of submission a slave must first give up the desires that drew him to submission in the first place." Mistress Jasmyn Jan 2005.


Visit My Website


(in reply to Sirsinini)
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RE: What's a married man to do? - 12/15/2007 2:54:26 PM   
mimkyodar


Posts: 72
Joined: 6/23/2006
Status: offline 		Can i just say that's one of the best posts i've ever read?

(in reply to Jasmyn)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: What's a married man to do? - 12/15/2007 3:09:30 PM   
slavekal


Posts: 1486
Joined: 7/20/2004
Status: offline 		Don't totally write off the wife yet.  She is likely averse to the leather, chains, and dungeon-y stuff.  She may very well like some of the ultra chivalrous, service oriented things.  If you start from there, she may learn that she enjoys more about this lifestyle than she thinks she does.  Read the Elise Sutton site and try some of those techniques.  Be prepared to be really patient, though.

(in reply to fan2sighz)
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RE: What's a married man to do? - 12/15/2007 3:19:17 PM   
slavekal


Posts: 1486
Joined: 7/20/2004
Status: offline 		God is the ultimate practical jokester.  Who else would make everything you like a sin or dangerous or fattening?  Who else would put "the tree of the knowledge of good and evil" in the middle of Eden?  What possible reason could there have been besides a jerky personality?

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
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RE: What's a married man to do? - 12/15/2007 3:25:25 PM   
SeeksOnlyOne


Posts: 2012
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jasmyn

snip
You say she find's the idea unacceptably perverse ... well bully for her ... time she got over herself and her hang ups.  
snip


i think if hes more or less "changin mules in the middle of the stream", she can choose to get over it or not to.......if it means that much to him to explore this and she absolutely wants no part of it-he has 2 choices......divorce or lie......but to say someone who married vanilla is at fault for not accepting a just thrown upon them kink........well.......thats BS in my book.

_____________________________

it aint no good til it hurts just a little bit....jimmy somerville

in those moments of solitude, does everyone sometimes think they are insane? or is it just me?

(in reply to Jasmyn)
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RE: What's a married man to do? - 12/15/2007 3:36:07 PM   
slavekal


Posts: 1486
Joined: 7/20/2004
Status: offline 		I disagree.  I don't think laying blame helps to sove anything.  However, I do think men far too often marry women they know are not sexually compatible with them.  Then they cheat left and right, somehow justifying it to themselves. 

(in reply to SeeksOnlyOne)
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RE: What's a married man to do? - 12/15/2007 4:13:40 PM   
subfever


Posts: 2895
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

You'd almost think God invented marriage just to torture us.


Yup... there's a good reason why they call marriage an "institution."

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: What's a married man to do? - 12/15/2007 4:48:46 PM   
LaMistressa


Posts: 460
Joined: 12/4/2006
Status: offline 		Unless you can speak with your wife about your needs and desires (and she can agree to let you explore within limits that you both can live with), *or* unless you are really good at hiding things in your relationship, the answer is probably no. 

(in reply to fan2sighz)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: What's a married man to do? - 12/15/2007 4:58:43 PM   
Jasmyn


Posts: 1234
Joined: 2/6/2004
From: New Zealand
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SeeksOnlyOne

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jasmyn

snip
You say she find's the idea unacceptably perverse ... well bully for her ... time she got over herself and her hang ups.  
snip


but to say someone who married vanilla is at fault for not accepting a just thrown upon them kink........well.......thats BS in my book.


Where in the author's post does he even suggest that this is a "just thown upon them kink" ... you, nor I, how long she has being aware of his proclivities ...

The reason I suggest she can get over herself ... is she will NEED TO if she want's her marriage to survive.  There are TWO people in the marriage not just herself.

If a partner came to me and spills their guts about their kinks then I as their partner for love and life have every responsibility to my relationship be open to understanding their needs...




_____________________________

quote:

"To learn the art of submission a slave must first give up the desires that drew him to submission in the first place." Mistress Jasmyn Jan 2005.


Visit My Website


(in reply to SeeksOnlyOne)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: What's a married man to do? - 12/15/2007 5:53:39 PM   
SeeksOnlyOne


Posts: 2012
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jasmyn

quote:

ORIGINAL: SeeksOnlyOne

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jasmyn

snip
You say she find's the idea unacceptably perverse ... well bully for her ... time she got over herself and her hang ups.  
snip


but to say someone who married vanilla is at fault for not accepting a just thrown upon them kink........well.......thats BS in my book.


Where in the author's post does he even suggest that this is a "just thown upon them kink" ... you, nor I, how long she has being aware of his proclivities ...

The reason I suggest she can get over herself ... is she will NEED TO if she want's her marriage to survive.  There are TWO people in the marriage not just herself.

If a partner came to me and spills their guts about their kinks then I as their partner for love and life have every responsibility to my relationship be open to understanding their needs...





and you being willing to do that would show your commitment to the relationship, which is a good thing.....i dont find it a bad thing on her part, or showing a lack of commitment to the relationship if she has no interest at all in it.....she has the right to say no kink is my kink and who are we to judge her on that?   this aint for everyone.

_____________________________

it aint no good til it hurts just a little bit....jimmy somerville

in those moments of solitude, does everyone sometimes think they are insane? or is it just me?

(in reply to Jasmyn)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: What's a married man to do? - 12/15/2007 7:40:11 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Sexual incompatibility seems to be an enormous issue in vanilla marriages.  I continue to be baffled by this.  It's not the 1960's anymore, aren't folks testing the merchandise first, so to speak?  Granted, we may discover new tastes as we grow older, but IMO male submission is a thing that is always there, not something that bursts forth. 

Slavekal, you are totally right about the dungeony stuff being a turnoff, but if you gave me a toy for each man who told me Oh No, when I suggested that he just serve his wife and make her life easier---you would have a hard time lifting the bag!  Not trying to cast aspersions on the OP, who I do not know---but for so many who marry vanilla and get bored, the glam trappings are the turnon, and being <cough> forced to do foot worship is ever so much more satisfying than cleaning the snow off her car before she goes to work.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



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