RE: How can a submissive encourage more play and more sexual use without topping from the bottom?

RE: How can a submissive encourage more play and more sexual use without topping from the bottom? (Full Version)

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gorgeous1 -> RE: How can a submissive encourage more play and more sexual use without topping from the bottom? (1/14/2008 11:02:27 AM)
OOoooooo boy, this is right up my alley! I joined CM because I wanted to have more frequent and a deeper D/s relationship with my husband. We went from playing maybe five or six times a month to a daily experience that extends to even our normal mundane lives, and even launching a website. I really don't like to initiate things. I started out VERY shy and embarrassed. I have discovered though that it's OK to talk about what you want and it's the only way he'll understand what it is you want, and the great thing is, when you communicate, you discover that HE wants what you want too! I would suggest that after you have your next sexual encounter and you're both lying in bed together cuddling, snuggle up to him in a very submissive way and, without making eye contact, tell him three things that you really enjoyed that he did to you. Don't say anything negative- just focus on the positive. Then, tell him about a fantasy you have- it doesn't have to be something you would actually do, just share the fantasy and tell his what particular part of the fantasy you find so hot, i.e., the part where you are forced to your knees, or the part where you give the world's best BJ, or the part where you're spanked. Ask him questions that require more than a simple yes or no answer. Get him to share a fantasy. The important thing is boost his ego and confidence. The more positive and detailed feedback you give him, the better he'll understand you, and the more confidence he'll have to "kick it up a notch" the next time you play. Proper and detailed communication is not topping from the bottom. Also, you two are working on a relationship, and I am very excited for you. Keep talking, keep sharing, and soon he'll understand you so well that you won't need to initiate your play anymore- you will have sparked his imagination enough so that each time you play, he'll have a dozen more ideas racing in his head for the next time...and always be sure to thank him and tell him how much you loved what he did!

embersMaster -> RE: How can a submissive encourage more play and more sexual use without topping from the bottom? (1/14/2008 11:06:53 AM)
As Master, I am responsible for my slave and her development. Therefore, I require My subs and slave to come up with goals for their training, which is part and parcel with their list of limits. I do not see their goals as their being dominant, but rather as a wishlist for Me. I then talk these goals and make them happen as I see fit. Now, as for how you could facilitate this with your Dom, I suggest a discussion outside the realm of BDSM. If you do truly have good communication, and this is a priority for you, then you can talk to him about it.

BabyDollVanIsle -> RE: How can a submissive encourage more play and more sexual use without topping from the bottom? (1/14/2008 2:30:59 PM)
"Sorry, but your little disclaimer here left a really bad taste in my mouth to the point that I find all I can think of is how much you are playing him by not letting him know about your profile here." IrishMist, i didn't say i didn't tell him about it. I did, mentioned it several times. he just didn't take a lot of interest. I don't think he is a big cruiser of BDSM sites, though he does like Domestic Discipline sites. i can't very well tie him to the computer and call up my profile and demand he read it. the site he found me with pretty much has the same thing, just a lot shorter and less photos. it is quite possible he did drop by to see my profile and just didn't mention it to me. i just don't happen to think he did or that he is likely to.

BabyDollVanIsle -> RE: How can a submissive encourage more play and more sexual use without topping from the bottom? (1/14/2008 4:51:01 PM)
Sir Asher, i try to give him a massage, even pointedly bought some almond oil for it when we were shopping together, but i have only given him that first massage when we met, and since then he hasn't wanted one at the times i volunteer. dear miss sunshine, those are all cute suggestions. i keep feeling though that all suggestions are too much over the top for him, which is helping me define exactly where he and I are, actually, so this is useful. bound2 one, you are right, we are more formal reserved people, and even he has remarked on my modesty, thinking it excessive. and we have talked about our expectations, but mostly in a very circumspect way, mainly my fault rather than his. i also really do think that overcommunicating in the beginning is dangerous, and get panicky when we get too deep. you may think that is silly, but i have observed that when people disclose too much too fast about themselves, it tends to overwhelm the other person and lead to distancing. i would rather slow things down than take that risk, and actually it seems to be working in general. this way, every new disclosure or information that slips out is delightfully interesting and intrigueing. we already did cover the real essentials to do with compatibility and desire for the same relationship goal.. everything else even BDSM is just detail. LadyLynx, we are easing into a 24/7 M/s relationship, so pretty much operating as if i was already his slave, in an 'easing your way into the shallow end' kind of way. LordandMaster, I really agree with your quote: "Relationships work when people can be exactly who they are, when who they are is exactly what the other person wants and needs them to be. " I think we are both exactly who we are, and that we are what the other person really needs. I actually think that he would ask more of me in terms of sexual service if he just gave himself permission. I suspect it is a combination of him holding himself back to see the relationship is solid first (very wise, and we discussed this and agreed), a combination of not asking for anything for himself from habit from past relationships and past decisions about how to proceed, and part that he is afraid to ask too much from me, because he is afraid to scare me off as i came to him as a newbie, he is my first rt experience. if i can just get him to give himself permission to ask or take what he wants from me, i think we will both more completely satisfy each others needs. note: i am not asking for more sexual attention and pleasure for myself, but to be allowed to give him more sexual pleasure and attention. which of course would give me more sexual pleasure. MistressNoName, as above to IrishMist. also, i do tell him when i am having difficulty expressing myself or communicating. and i agree about treating it like two adults. i just want a series of suggestions about various ways to bring it up effectively via actions, body language, etc as well as verbal communicaiton. what these answers are showing me, is that he has a very natural, in the flow, and also very deliberate style that is extremely true to his nature. i love and respect this style and it is also very natural to me, but i am a bit 'quicker' than him and could stand a quicker pace. but i would rather have him the way he is and get used to his pace, than have a quicer pace with someone else.. it is easier to deal with being a little bit hungry with him, that a little bit too overwhelmed from someone else. i have also realized from everyone's excellent ideas, that to introduce this idea of me serving him more has to be done in a way that is compatible with his flow of energy, his personal Doming style. this involves timing and subtlety.. not really my strengths, though so far i have been doing fine with him by being in a very passive, receptive mode. when i am passive and just yield to him and his energy, we are completely in sync. it is going to be a lot more difficult for me to find a way to be active and initiate and maintain that same syncronicity. i may be getting ahead of myself to even try, and i think it may be best for me to let our relationship establish a bit more, let our natural rhythms develop over more time, before i try and add something new to the mix. this is where now i am so different than before i discovered i was submissive.. it is like i suddenlty 'get' a lot more of this.. before i completely failed in this department of timing, rapport, etc etc... this on top of being with the wrong kind of men and not realizing it. georgeous1, i think you get me more than anyone else here.. though even your suggestions are probably too much for our situation at present, but i think they will work in the future. partly to compliment him tends to lead to a self depricating even sarcastic comment directed at himself. though i think on some level he does hear and appreciate my compliments. and he has admitted that he doesn't compliment me enough and is going to try and do better in the future. i need to think really subtle here, and i think that will come with time. anybody here used to dealing on that subdued and subtle a level, your experience would be really helpful. also, it is quite possible at some point he will read here, even if because he just does drop in on Collarme to read my profile, and he is logical and thorough enough to check out my forum posts if he does. it would be the obvious thing to do. can any Dominants/Masters here on the more reserved side, tell me if they would personally be offended or upset if a submissive or slave of theirs were to start a topic to ask for help with this kind of issue? i did it here in the relative anonymity of a huge site like Collarme, rather than in the more intimate local site on which we met.

BabyDollVanIsle -> RE: How can a submissive encourage more play and more sexual use without topping from the bottom? (1/14/2008 4:56:09 PM)
dear embersMaster, sorry i missed you. Yes, i think it could very well be brought up in a goal setting discussion. i think that will actually happen at some point, after i have brought it up in a more 'in the flow' way.

SimplyMichael -> RE: How can a submissive encourage more play and more sexual use without topping from the bottom? (1/14/2008 6:29:00 PM)
You are going to think we are picking on you but you would be wrong. You are getting the experience of some very talented and experienced people. In my case I just like the sound of my own voice. Okay, slowly read the part of your message I quoted. quote: I think we are both exactly who we are... I actually think that he would ask more of me in terms of sexual service if he just gave himself permission How many hearts have been broken because "one partner THINKS the other would wants X"! If you have to imagine what he would want, you are NOT communicating. You might be talking but it ain't communication. If he has to "give himself permission" and hasn't, then he isn't being himself. You CLEARLY aren't being yourself because you are asking us how to ask him permission to be yourself. Don't feel like an idiot, I spent years living the way you are living. Hidden expectations, imagining rather than asking what someone else was feeling or thinking. Problem is most of us have never been around people who actually communicate openly and honestly with each other and society sure as hell doesn't teach us to do that. Now, there is a crappy way to tell someone what you want to say and a delightful way. I don't recommend saying "why can't you get it up more often and fuck me like a real man" unless he gets off on that sort of stuff. However, "no man has ever made me feel like a bitch in heat but you make me insane with lust, please dear god, fuck my brains out and force me to drain your balls of your last drop of cum" just might get the point across. If people would spend less time trying to figure out what their partner means or wants and more time asking and even more importanly, listening, the world would be a better place.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: How can a submissive encourage more play and more sexual use without topping from the bottom? (1/14/2008 6:54:56 PM)
You serve him by being honest and fully open. By choosing not to share, you are taking control. By choosing to share, you are allowing him the authority to do with it what he wants...but exposing yourself to the risk of being denied, or ignored outright.

sexyred1 -> RE: How can a submissive encourage more play and more sexual use without topping from the bottom? (1/14/2008 7:05:10 PM)
I don't understand this problem. I don't usually get involved with men who don't get excited around me and who want sex. A woman knows exactly how to get her man hard so figure it out. Experience does not matter, chemistry does. Should not be an issue after that. Begging for sex? Not likely.

BabyDollVanIsle -> RE: How can a submissive encourage more play and more sexual use without topping from the bottom? (1/14/2008 7:36:11 PM)
No complaints about the sex. No complaints about the frequency. i am getting satisfied. i just want to do more for him than he is currently asking for. not because i am his submissive, but because i already care for him, feel love for him, and just want to give him more pleasure than he is currently asking for. we did sort of discuss it, pretty openly, but after a certain point, i just got anxious and couldn't communicate clearly. this is not a communication problem, we both communicate fine. it is a trust and getting over bad previous experiences issue on my part (and a bit on his part, but mostly at this point it is me). am i quite capable of overriding my deep feelings and 'making' myself be logical and communicate clearly? of course i am. and what a violent thing to do to myself and the relationship. that is precisely the kind of thing i did to myself in the past.. stuff down my feelings, override them and be direct and up front. now i am letting myself be what i am feeling instead of be what i am thinking. i am using the 90% of the iceburg instead of the 10% and this is the first really satisfying relationship i have ever had, as a consequence. LuckyAlbatross, i am not withhold communication for the purposes of control, but for other reasons hard to explain, what i put above is the best way i can express it. and i admitt to him i am having trouble, so i am not pulling 'the big mystery' on him in order to exert control either. sometimes there are issues that take time to deal with and they are a higher priority than communication on every level. we have good communication on what are for use, the core and most important issues. everyone knows couples who don't communicate and stay together their entire lives, and very communicative, honest and open couples who go nuclear and have a destroyed relationship that no-one expects. also, sexyred, he does get excited around me. he is just very hard to read, and i didn't know what those things were that he responded to until recently when he made a few remarks. also, maybe i don't know how to get a man excited, except for the obvious things everybody knows about. each man is different. even a man that will respond sexually to a very provociative and predictable advance, may not be feeling comfortable with it emotionally. i want to do it right, do things that are right and comfortable and right for him emotionally as well as sexually. and no, i don't have the experience to read him enough to know what those things are For one thing, while on some levels i read him extremely well, when it comes to his Dom persona, he is a complete mystery to me, and i actually like it that way. he has started to give me clues about what does excite him when i do it, and i am collecting those clues like pretty stones on the beach, till i have enough to understand. right now i don't want to charge in like a bull in a china shop and do something he may respond to sexually, but that makes him uncomfortable on another level. And i don't have enough experience sexually to do that in a vanilla relationship, certainly don't feel confident enough to know for a D/s relationship. SimplyMichael, i hear what you are saying. right now i don't know if i am seeing the issue clearly, or just projecting my desires and expectations.. in the communication we have had, he has indicated he wants to do more. in my last visit, he did do more, but unfortunately it ended up being a short visit. I am heading out tomorrow to see him again, but i am not going there to wait with bated breath to see if he 'does more' this time. i am going there to be with him, and whatever he does or doesn't do is fine with me. i am just going to have to wait a while to resolve this, probably about another 3 or 4 weeks at least. he is a wonderful person and i feel great every minute i spend with him, so there is no downside.. i look forward to the exploration.

TemptingNviceSub -> RE: How can a submissive encourage more play and more sexual use without topping from the bottom? (1/14/2008 7:55:44 PM)
what these answers are showing me, is that he has a very natural, in the flow, and also very deliberate style that is extremely true to his nature. i love and respect this style and it is also very natural to me, but i am a bit 'quicker' than him and could stand a quicker pace. but i would rather have him the way he is and get used to his pace, than have a quicer pace with someone else.. it is easier to deal with being a little bit hungry with him, that a little bit too overwhelmed from someone else. Then I simply have to say in response, to you, is let him lead and you follow..even if too slow for you.....you think.....sometimes you have to be careful of that impatient sub frenzy thing..wanting it all now..to experience it all now..to know it all now!!!.....you can certainly verbalize and communicate (which is always a good thing)...but I say let him direct the flow..see what happens and enjoy the journey...Tempting

lronitulstahp -> RE: How can a submissive encourage more play and more sexual use without topping from the bottom? (1/14/2008 8:24:19 PM)
BabyDoll...i am sending you via PM a BDSM checklist...you may find it useful in introducing Him to some of your kink, and willingness to perform certain acts. No begging required...sort of like a BDSM checklist.

SimplyMichael -> RE: How can a submissive encourage more play and more sexual use without topping from the bottom? (1/14/2008 8:35:37 PM)
quote: i am going there to be with him, and whatever he does or doesn't do is fine with me. i am just going to have to wait a while to resolve this, probably about another 3 or 4 weeks at least. Which is it "whatever he does is fine with me" or is there something you need to "resolve"? Again, I am NOT picking on you but I honestly believe that your choice of words comes from a place of unconsious confusion or projection. If he is "doing what he wants" then you don't need to do more. If YOU want more, then buck up and ask for it. If you think he is holding back, talk openly with him. You two are doing fine, this sort of stuff is sadly quite common and no big deal but you asked for advice and are getting it!

YourhandMyAss -> RE: How can a submissive encourage more play and more sexual use without topping from the bottom? (1/14/2008 8:56:40 PM)
Come right out and ask. use what ever honorific you are to use for him, and say * honorific* I would like you to start training me to please you sexually, would you consider doing so please. Thank you. quote: ORIGINAL: BabyDollVanIsle so i am asking for advice on how i can encourage him to make more use of me without invading his Domly space. i really want him to start training me to provide him with sexual pleasure... how should i ask for that?

BabyDollVanIsle -> RE: How can a submissive encourage more play and more sexual use without topping from the bottom? (1/14/2008 11:15:55 PM)
dear temptingnovicesub... "sometimes you have to be careful of that impatient sub frenzy thing..wanting it all now..to experience it all now..to know it all now!!!" yes.. i was feeling that before, but now that i am feeling more secure from knowing him, that intial feeling is fading and i am getting into a more reasonable space. i managed to resist the 'sub frenzy' and pass on every opportunity presented to me since early October because it did not feel right until him. but i have rushed and been impatient in a lot of relationships in the past and don't want to repeat that mistake. part of it is realizing belatedly, that i was trying to create and force a BDSM dynamic (in an emotinal connection sense, a intensity sexual sense, but not a kink sense) in all of my previous vanilla relationships. and we all know well how that works. i think yo are absolutely right, i need to "let him direct the flow..see what happens and enjoy the journey". i think that is what i should do the next few visits. the communication can go on as it has.. in bits and pieces, soemtimes touching on this subject but mostly on others. Ironistulstahp, thank you for your message, i replied to you. SimplyMichael.. of course you are seeing confusion and projection. that is why i am in here requesting different perspectives. and i do appreciate the responses, and do appreciate the experience and thought reflected in the responses. YourhandMyAss, yes... i will ask him at some point. probably not so point blank though. not that he necessarily couldn't handle it.. more so that i am developing a personality and way of doing things as a submissive that is quite different than my work persona. and being that direct is more a way i would approach a work or interpersonal situation. i would like to experiement with other ways of being and communicating before i start rely on something i already know. please don't think i dont appreciate your post, though.

BabyDollVanIsle -> RE: How can a submissive encourage more play and more sexual use without topping from the bottom? (1/14/2008 11:19:53 PM)
also, for those Doms out there who can identify with being more reserved and subtle in their approach but also being straightforward people... how would you feel about a submissive or slave of yours posting a thread like this? would you be ok with it, and see it as a sincere effort to get more perspective and creative ideas before bringing something up something sensitive with you? or would you find it somehow displeasing? it is quite possible he will see this just because he does eventually look for my profile, and it would be the logical thorough kind of thing he does to also read my forum posts. baby doll

Asherdelampyr -> RE: How can a submissive encourage more play and more sexual use without topping from the bottom? (1/14/2008 11:25:30 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BabyDollVanIsle also, for those Doms out there who can identify with being more reserved and subtle in their approach but also being straightforward people... how would you feel about a submissive or slave of yours posting a thread like this? would you be ok with it, and see it as a sincere effort to get more perspective and creative ideas before bringing something up something sensitive with you? or would you find it somehow displeasing? it is quite possible he will see this just because he does eventually look for my profile, and it would be the logical thorough kind of thing he does to also read my forum posts. baby doll Personally I would be pleased that she is taking the time to try and find the best/most intelligent way of approching me. There are 1000s of ways that any given situation can be approached, so its always good to get some other ideas before approaching a major one...

CrazyC -> RE: How can a submissive encourage more play and more sexual use without topping from the bottom? (1/15/2008 1:08:32 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BabyDollVanIsle No complaints about the sex. No complaints about the frequency. i am getting satisfied. i just want to do more for him than he is currently asking for. not because i am his submissive, but because i already care for him, feel love for him, and just want to give him more pleasure than he is currently asking for. I am confused. Are you needing more sex or not? A wise Dom once said that my job was only to comunicate my needs and that he would tell me if he needed more. You should still ask him if he is really letting you do everything he wants, but you also need to trust that he'll tell you if he does want more. I thought this was posted because you are wanting more sex...darn....this means i need to make a new post.

Justme696 -> RE: How can a submissive encourage more play and more sexual use without topping from the bottom? (1/15/2008 3:09:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BabyDollVanIsle also, for those Doms out there who can identify with being more reserved and subtle in their approach but also being straightforward people... how would you feel about a submissive or slave of yours posting a thread like this? would you be ok with it, and see it as a sincere effort to get more perspective and creative ideas before bringing something up something sensitive with you? or would you find it somehow displeasing? it is quite possible he will see this just because he does eventually look for my profile, and it would be the logical thorough kind of thing he does to also read my forum posts. baby doll I myself like when my girl would try to improve herself by posting. I am here to learn also...or give advise. But that is just me. Some people might feel they fail there slave/sub...and get angry. In generel,though, it is good to ask for help, instead to feel bad in not solving it.

laurell3 -> RE: How can a submissive encourage more play and more sexual use without topping from the bottom? (1/15/2008 3:11:14 AM)
Just communicate. You trust him to tie you up but not have an open conversation? Take a leap and sit down and talk to the guy.

digitalsky -> RE: How can a submissive encourage more play and more sexual use without topping from the bottom? (1/15/2008 3:39:40 AM)
Good, respectful, communication is not topping from the bottom. It is an integral part of your relationship, one that the both of you should engage in with more frequency it seems. There is nothing wrong with asking his likes, and acting on them, if your goal is to please him. If your goal is to get off, and bring things to a more sexual level, I think that most guys would be pretty turned on to find their little one waiting for them in the room, kneeling on the bed and making themselves hot. True, it might backfire, but then he gets the pleasure of "punishing" you for your transgression, and what you really want is his reaction, isn't it? Good luck!

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