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ORIGINAL: DisenchantedLife

Ha ha ha and more ha's.  You would think, wouldnt you.  Explain to me why I have pressed several different charges and the police haven't even made an arrest? 

(I'm going to guess it's because you sound like a raving lunatic)

One of them, which has 4 seperate counts on it - has actual proof.  If your county has records you can search online - do it.  Its amazing to see that people have had charges pressed, arrests were made, and the DA decides not to prosecute. 

(While that's unfortunate if it's even true, given your presentation here one has to question your validity though, it is not at all the norm for cases of domestic violence.  In fact, the norm across the United States is for prosecution DESPITE the victim's request to drop any and all charges.)


Amazing, apparently it happens all the time. 

(Yeah no, it really doesn't unless there's no case and witnesses make up cases and bad witnesses make bad cases).

No they don't keep coming back to arrest.  They give excuses and apologies on why they can not.  I've actually had a police officer apologize to me, telling me he wish he could do more.... but there are loop holes.

(what loop holes other than your protestations that everyone in the system is against you and sucks?)

I actually got out = )  Sadly, I wish I had not.  Only because in getting out some one got left behind that can't defend themselves.  And nobody is doing anything about it. 

( And now the picture becomes clear, let me guess you're in a custody/divorce case now aren't you?)
 
Nobody!  Its absurd.  I don't understand really.  This isn't the way the world is supposed to work.  If bad things happen and you speak out about it, even providing proof - then the good guys are supposed to win.  How is it possible the courts don't care? 

(It's not possible they do care in the vast majority of cases.)

I keep telling myself there has got to be something that can be done.  Something to stop a helpless being put in a bad situation.  I have exshausted every avenue and most probably everyone around me searching for a way.  How can judges just not listen?  How can they just arbitrarily decide things?  

(They can't and I would be willing to bet my cat (whom I am very attached to) they didn't in your case as well)

These are lives that are being determined here.  Helpless, innocent lives that can not fend for themselves.  I sit and follow court orders and I watch my helpless person left behind go emotionally down the toilet.  I watch a person I used to describe as "the happiest alive" cling to me in fear as some one talks to them.  I just don't get it.

The sad thing is......... I am not the only one........ as I talk to others - apparently it is common place

and I understand why they do not leave.


(I don't and you giving people on a public forum really bad advice and spouting opinions about the justice system in general based on your one experience and encouraging them to stay in abusive relationships is absolutely ludicrious.  I'd be quite willing to bet this type of drama queen mentality is exactly why they didn't listen to you.)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DisenchantedLife



So the moral of the story is this :  if you find that you've royally screwed up, been absolutetly blind about somebody, and realise you're in a bad situation.  Do nothing!  There is no way out.  No saving yourself or others.  You are stuck.  Might as well adapt and get used to it, because that was the last mistake you get to make.

I've realized for the second time in my life.  The police and courts are not there to protect you, just harm you.  I am suprised at myself for being so suprised. =)

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ORIGINAL: Maestro66babycak
The reason women stay is simply that they are afraid to leave. No other reason. It all boils down to fear.

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I went to the courts when the harassment started.  In order to get a restraining order I had to prove he had already physically harmed me.  Okaaay then!

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ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

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ORIGINAL: Maestro66babycak
The reason women stay is simply that they are afraid to leave. No other reason. It all boils down to fear.

You said some good things in your post, up to this point.  Fear of leaving is not the ONLY reason but it is probably the most popular reason.  I didn't leave because I thought I deserved it, and I thought if I could only "do better next time" everything would be ok.  I still loved him.  I still hoped it would work. 

When I finally decided to leave - 5 years after I had begun thinking about it - my fear was not for myself, it was for hurting him.  Go figure.   Fortunately my need for survival outweighed my need to keep trying to make him happy.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

I went to the courts when the harassment started.  In order to get a restraining order I had to prove he had already physically harmed me.  Okaaay then!

Go to this website, by Patricia Evans.  She's an author of a couple of books and websites that help women through verbal abuse, but there is a phone number for consultations - perhaps they can direct you to resources that will help you:  http://www.verbalabuse.com/Consultations.shtml

Here's WEAVE.  They might direct you to resources for the little one, or tell you what resources are in your area:  http://www.weaveinc.org/

If you want to email me and let me know what area you live in, I'm happy to help you search for resources.  I remember when I left, I felt lost and had no idea where to even start.

And don't ever let go of hope!  You can make it through trauma if you WANT to make it through trama.  I have no idea what your situation is comprised of, but I put that offer out for anyone who needs a hand.  Having been there, I can understand the emotions and confusion that you can experience. 

My Master quoted Eleanor Roosevelt to me last night, when I was struggling with something:  "Learn to light a candle rather than curse the darkness."

I wish you the best.

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ORIGINAL: laurell3

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ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

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ORIGINAL: Maestro66babycak
The reason women stay is simply that they are afraid to leave. No other reason. It all boils down to fear.

You said some good things in your post, up to this point.  Fear of leaving is not the ONLY reason but it is probably the most popular reason.  I didn't leave because I thought I deserved it, and I thought if I could only "do better next time" everything would be ok.  I still loved him.  I still hoped it would work. 

When I finally decided to leave - 5 years after I had begun thinking about it - my fear was not for myself, it was for hurting him.  Go figure.   Fortunately my need for survival outweighed my need to keep trying to make him happy.

Nah there are many reasons other than that, financial is a big one especially where the woman doesn't or hasn't worked or has a disability.  Sometimes people are raised that it's never an option.  Sometimes people are raised in abusive homes and don't know the difference and are truly blind until someone takes their children away.  Nonetheless you are correct.  Saying don't leave or it's hopeless is ridiculous advice especially when there are um's involved. 

Don't whine about the system, work it.  We see crazy, demanding, foolish people all day every day.  That approach will only fall on deaf ears.  You can present your case without all the system sucks, I want it now, it's not fair garbage that's going to get you ignored.  There's nothing wrong with being upset, in fact, get a therapist and be upset and get help yourself to not end up there again and be healthy for the um, but DO NOT do it in the courthouse.  You can whine all you want that they should listen despite it in a support group and you are right, but they are human and aren't going to hear what you're saying because of it.  Hearing it all day every day isn't easy for them either.  Try to imagine you are the judge/prosecutor/attorney...how do you say the same thing to them without sounding offensive or uncredible? 

Going to the press is not the best advice unless it's an absolute dead end situation.  It's more likely to make you less credible than more and the press gets those calls all day every day.  Besides do you honestly believe the press doesn't know the judges/ prosecuting attorneys well?  Who do you think gives them the real stories and information they need?

Turn it around OP, avail yourself of the many resourcses listed here and more.  Listen to your attorney, if you don't like them or think they aren't listening or don't have time for you, get another one.  Custody cases are won on impression, not whining and you have to pick your battles.  There are SCADS of dv agencies out there.  I can't turn around without bumping into a new one every day.  But please stop telling others not to leave or there is no hope.  There is hope and you can leave and you can change your life and there is help for you.

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ORIGINAL: Feric

I had been planning on staying out of this, but I should relate the experience of an acquaintance of mine. A woman I'll call Daphne was in an abusive relationship--beatings, broken bones, etc. She finally bailed, but not before having me get ahold of a book for her (she didn't want her abusive spouse to see it) about how to drop from sight. The book was one of many offered by a publisher called Paladin Press, which specializes in books on self-reliance of all sorts. The book she got was on switching identities. I have not heard from her in more than four years, nor has her spouse. Here's the link to the Paladin Press books. http://www.paladin-press.com/SearchResult.aspx?KeyWords=change%20identity  Good luck!