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Vanilla Extract - 1/26/2008 11:24:34 PM   
OedipusRexIt


Posts: 634
Joined: 11/15/2005
Status: offline 		I've been putting myself on the bench a lot these days, as bdsm compatiblity eludes me.  As a result, I've allowed vanilla relationships to arise and build, instead of relying on bdsm as a conduit to my relationships...

My issue seems to be composed of two elements: 

No one available to me has lit my Dominant spark.  Sure, I can find someone eager to submit... but if I don't feel it, then it's just work,  just checking the box...  I'm just not into going through the motions. 

In the absence of a spark to light my fire, I still crave intmacy.  As a result of this natural craving, friendships, long associations, have drifted into the realm of relationships, without the connection of bdsm so necessary...  A pattern of one (bdsm = empty connection) or the other (vanilla intimacy = lukewarmth) has emerged.

... so, I find myself in the rare position of vacillation (not a petroleum jelly deriviative, I assure you) as to whether I've been barking up the wrong tree.  Only, which is the wrong one?  Or is it all just a forest?

_____________________________

"My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die..."
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Vanilla Extract - 1/27/2008 12:21:35 AM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		You want a pineapple, but all you're turning up is apples and oranges, neither really fits your needs. You may find a vanilla who has just enough quirk and kink to make you happy. You may find a kinkster who can provide you with good companionship. *Shrugs* The pineapple is somewhere, I just can't tell you where. I'd say don't settle until you find your pineapple, but don't turn down every apple and orange you come across, you might enjoy sampling some of them while you continue your hunt for a pineapple.(I hear they grow on trees, true of pineapples, not true of someone special to fit your needs and interests.)

(in reply to OedipusRexIt)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Vanilla Extract - 1/27/2008 12:26:41 AM   
hmmmmnbird


Posts: 51
Joined: 1/30/2005
Status: offline 		I know exactly what you mean. Let's talk. 

(in reply to OedipusRexIt)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Vanilla Extract - 1/27/2008 1:38:12 AM   
greyangelus


Posts: 192
Joined: 1/22/2008
Status: offline 		Welcome to my world!!  I like to refer to it as BDSM Purgatory, don't mind the greyness and fog your floating in.

You tend to find yourself here in this place a significant fraction of BDSM'ers fall into as well whenever you have either X or Y need not being met.  Since you can't find anyone capable of meeting X and Y at the same time, it does rather feel like having to make a choice in between X OR Y, as having neither X or Y is a silly notion to entertain amd kinda dumb to boot.  Your choices in this matter really devolve into 2.

1.  Go without either X or Y until you can get both X and Y in the same person
2.  Satisfy either X or Y repeatdly until you happen to discover/awaken the other half in the person your currently enjoying X or Y with.

Strategies for both differ.  From your OP, its sounds like your going for option 2 ( mines option 1 btw, less stressful I've found).  My advice is to quickly burn through as many as you can in order to increase your chance of success in finding your grail (the odds are with you on this).

< Message edited by greyangelus -- 1/27/2008 1:39:17 AM >

(in reply to hmmmmnbird)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Vanilla Extract - 1/27/2008 4:49:10 AM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline 		I can relate to this from the other side.  Many men who declare themselves ‘dominant’ are really sadistic tops.  (not that there’s anything wrong with that!)  It is fun for awhile but I certainly do not feel submissive to them.  To make do in a pinch (errr, pun not intended!) gratifies superficially but does not fill the real need.
I do engage in D/s with 2 dominant men but distance and schedules makes spending time together infrequent.  The quality of our time, however, has made the relationships endure.
You are the only one who can determine which answer is the less frustrating one.  As someone who was celibate for 15 years I can assure you that lack of intimacy is not fatal……..not being snarky here, I’m just sayin’……..

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to OedipusRexIt)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Vanilla Extract - 1/27/2008 4:54:11 AM   
MistressVnus


Posts: 1036
Joined: 1/4/2008
From: Central Florida
Status: offline 		I understand exactly where you are at.  And, at times, I, too, get caught up in that "looking for that thang" conundrum.
When I catch myself doing that, I try to think back to those times when the search took me to places I would rather have not gone but my vulnerability marked me as a big target.
After I realize I'm doing it again, I remember, the sweetest fruit has always come when I didn't look for it and continued with other goals in my life while looking to "higher" entities to remind me I'm never alone.  It always seems to be when I'm not looking, that it ends up right in front of my face.

Weird you should post this.  I needed to hear myself say that.  Sometimes these forums are a wonderful thing.  Kind of like "co-journaling."  Thanks.



_____________________________

In the ties that bind,
Mistress Venus
http://www.mistressvenus.com

"I'm not IN the lifestyle. The lifestyle is in Me!"

(in reply to greyangelus)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Vanilla Extract - 1/27/2008 5:02:35 AM   
ThinkingKitten


Posts: 447
Joined: 6/15/2006
From: Ontari-ari-o
Status: offline 		Sitting somewhere around 1.5 myself, I'd say. I'm neither waiting on 1, or playing with 2. It started as a negative headspace, and now is just an accepted fact-of-life.

_____________________________

Thinking Kitten

If you can't stand the heat... tell the chef to get out of the kitchen.

(in reply to greyangelus)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Vanilla Extract - 1/27/2008 5:07:08 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		Rex, if you were to fall in love with a vanilla woman, could you live without BDSM?

Or could you live without love?

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to OedipusRexIt)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Vanilla Extract - 1/27/2008 5:12:26 AM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

Rex, if you were to fall in love with a vanilla woman, could you live without BDSM?

Or could you live without love?


that is a good question
I gave up bdsm once for a girl...it was worth it..but now I am back. Best is to have both of course  lol


_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

(in reply to Level)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Vanilla Extract - 1/27/2008 5:17:28 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline 		I have sent you mail.

(in reply to OedipusRexIt)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Vanilla Extract - 1/27/2008 5:22:35 AM   
ChainedExistence


Posts: 507
Joined: 2/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

Rex, if you were to fall in love with a vanilla woman, could you live without BDSM?

Or could you live without love?


Why would it have to be a choice of one or the other? There are plenty of people on this board in love with with their kinky partner. Find someone you LIKE who is kinky....and over time, love and intimacy can  grow.

(in reply to Level)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Vanilla Extract - 1/27/2008 5:55:46 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChainedExistence

quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

Rex, if you were to fall in love with a vanilla woman, could you live without BDSM?

Or could you live without love?


Why would it have to be a choice of one or the other? There are plenty of people on this board in love with with their kinky partner. Find someone you LIKE who is kinky....and over time, love and intimacy can  grow.


It doesn't "have" to be one or the other, but from the OP's post, it looks like that's where his head is at currently. Try for the best, but ask yourself the hard questions, too.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to ChainedExistence)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Vanilla Extract - 1/27/2008 5:56:58 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Justme696

Best is to have both of course  lol



Agreed.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to Justme696)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Vanilla Extract - 1/27/2008 6:15:07 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Here are my personal thoughts on the subject for what they are worth.

I look at it this way. There is very little I actually NEED and what I do, I already have. Instead of creating a criteria for people to meet, I try to remain open to whatever, whomever, should come into my life and what they may bring with them.

I have a tremendous amount of love in my life, I have emotional intimacy and I can, if I want, have physical intimacy. I could also find someone to have some BDSM fun, if I were interested in more casual play. Just because I do not have any one person that satisfies all of my desires does not make me feel like I am lacking anything OR that any of the people in my life are lacking. It just is what it is, right now. And what it is, is pretty damned wonderful. If someone comes along that will fit into my life and fulfill some of the desires that are sitting on my back burner, great. If not, then I know I am not putting my life on hold or screwing myself out of the pleasures of the moment while I wait for something I perceive as being more wonderful or perfect.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to OedipusRexIt)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Vanilla Extract - 1/27/2008 6:27:00 AM   
tulitukka


Posts: 95
Joined: 10/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: greyangelus

Welcome to my world!! I like to refer to it as BDSM Purgatory, don't mind the greyness and fog your floating in.

You tend to find yourself here in this place a significant fraction of BDSM'ers fall into as well whenever you have either X or Y need not being met. Since you can't find anyone capable of meeting X and Y at the same time, it does rather feel like having to make a choice in between X OR Y, as having neither X or Y is a silly notion to entertain amd kinda dumb to boot. Your choices in this matter really devolve into 2.

1. Go without either X or Y until you can get both X and Y in the same person
2. Satisfy either X or Y repeatdly until you happen to discover/awaken the other half in the person your currently enjoying X or Y with.

Strategies for both differ. From your OP, its sounds like your going for option 2 ( mines option 1 btw, less stressful I've found). My advice is to quickly burn through as many as you can in order to increase your chance of success in finding your grail (the odds are with you on this).


My personal choice would be to go with number 3. Go out with person A that satisfies X and B that satisfies Y and so on. But then again, I'm not monogamous.

I also happen to have the most wonderful girl that satisfies many of my greatest desires, so this point is, at the moment, not that relevant to me

(in reply to greyangelus)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Vanilla Extract - 1/27/2008 6:34:56 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Here are my personal thoughts on the subject for what they are worth.

I look at it this way. There is very little I actually NEED and what I do, I already have. Instead of creating a criteria for people to meet, I try to remain open to whatever, whomever, should come into my life and what they may bring with them.

I have a tremendous amount of love in my life, I have emotional intimacy and I can, if I want, have physical intimacy. I could also find someone to have some BDSM fun, if I were interested in more casual play. Just because I do not have any one person that satisfies all of my desires does not make me feel like I am lacking anything OR that any of the people in my life are lacking. It just is what it is, right now. And what it is, is pretty damned wonderful. If someone comes along that will fit into my life and fulfill some of the desires that are sitting on my back burner, great. If not, then I know I am not putting my life on hold or screwing myself out of the pleasures of the moment while I wait for something I perceive as being more wonderful or perfect.


Good post, LT.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Vanilla Extract - 1/27/2008 6:52:29 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tulitukka


quote:

ORIGINAL: greyangelus

Welcome to my world!! I like to refer to it as BDSM Purgatory, don't mind the greyness and fog your floating in.

You tend to find yourself here in this place a significant fraction of BDSM'ers fall into as well whenever you have either X or Y need not being met. Since you can't find anyone capable of meeting X and Y at the same time, it does rather feel like having to make a choice in between X OR Y, as having neither X or Y is a silly notion to entertain amd kinda dumb to boot. Your choices in this matter really devolve into 2.

1. Go without either X or Y until you can get both X and Y in the same person
2. Satisfy either X or Y repeatdly until you happen to discover/awaken the other half in the person your currently enjoying X or Y with.

Strategies for both differ. From your OP, its sounds like your going for option 2 ( mines option 1 btw, less stressful I've found). My advice is to quickly burn through as many as you can in order to increase your chance of success in finding your grail (the odds are with you on this).


My personal choice would be to go with number 3. Go out with person A that satisfies X and B that satisfies Y and so on. But then again, I'm not monogamous.

I also happen to have the most wonderful girl that satisfies many of my greatest desires, so this point is, at the moment, not that relevant to me

Before reading the above, this was the same thing that I was thinking.  Poly isn't for everyone, but it does solve the issue described in the OP if one doesn't expect all of your needs filled by one person.  For example, My husband could not fill My BDSM desires because he just isn't wired that way.  That didn't stop Me from wanting to grow old with  him.  To fill that need, I have a submissive.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to tulitukka)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Vanilla Extract - 1/27/2008 6:55:35 AM   
Sexynmentalinkc


Posts: 132
Joined: 4/14/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OedipusRexIt

Or is it all just a forest?




To continue with your metaphor...

I'd say there's 2 forests. The D/s and the 'nilla.

The D/s forest isn't as big as the other and it's harder to find that tree that you like (and want to nurture and build a foundation around)...but, in the long-term, it's where you'd prefer to live.

The vanilla forest is much larger but, again, you can't find the right tree (cause you end up, very likely, wishing that some of the trees you found were growing in the first forest).

A conundrum, of which I'm sure many of us can empathize - myself included, if there ever was one.


To carry it further...

You'll end up finding a tree in the vanilla forest that you want to relocate to the other AND the tree is 'willing' to grow and flourish in the D/s forest.

- or -

You'll need to decide to stay in the D/s forest and keep looking for that right tree...or find a sapling you can oversee to grow it into the tree you want.


For me, I prefer the latter. I already know that the D/s forest is where I intend to spend my days/nights and moving a tree from one forest to another seems like a lot more (unsatisfying) work.


In any case, I've no doubt there's no small number of people that can empathize with your predicament. So, take some sort of comfort in knowing...you're not alone.


*tips his hat*

- Mr. S


_____________________________

"I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. ...I'm certainly not. And I'm sick and tired of being told that I am..."

(in reply to OedipusRexIt)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Vanilla Extract - 1/27/2008 8:34:30 AM   
TreasureKY


Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OedipusRexIt

... so, I find myself in the rare position of vacillation (not a petroleum jelly deriviative, I assure you) as to whether I've been barking up the wrong tree.  Only, which is the wrong one?  Or is it all just a forest?


Forgive me for repeating what you've so carefully outlined, but I want to make sure I understand.  It sounds to me as if you're saying that you've been experiencing either compatibility without chemistry or chemistry without compatibility... and asking which path might better lead to finding both chemistry and compatibility in a single partner.  Is this correct?

If so, I'm not sure there's really a good answer for you.  In my experience, though, I've found that it's much easier for chemistry to develop with someone who is compatible than it is to expect compatibility to grow where only chemistry exists.

One of the biggest lessons in life I've learned is that you cannot change other people... not their perceptions, not their desires, not their preferences.  You can introduce and educate, but in the end you have no control over their acceptance.  Our only true control is over our own actions and reactions, though sometimes that is tenuous, at best.

With that in mind, it seems to me that the odds are more in your favor under this tree.  I've carefully read through your profile and journal, as well as posts you've made here in the forums... to be honest, what you appear to be searching for seems to be a very good match for several of the submissives here, myself included.  In fact, I suspect you find yourself highly desired with no lack of offers from compatible submissives.

Just keep in mind that it sometimes takes time for intimacy to develop.  Both parties have to be open to it, but the hard part is that often we are reluctant to be the first to offer it.

(in reply to OedipusRexIt)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Vanilla Extract - 1/27/2008 8:34:50 AM   
DisenchantedLife


Posts: 193
Status: offline 		I feel you.  In my younger years I had many relationships with nilla's because I couldnt find anyone compatible in the BDSM sense.  Now I'm a bit frightened of bdsm relationships and yet not really wanting any relationship. 

Although, yesterday I managed to knee a man in his gonads and after he recovered he asked me out on a date.  Not sure if its really supposed to work like that?  He seems completely vanilla, we were at a birthday party and he WAS trying to shove snow (or w/e the subsitute is called) down my shirt.  Not sure what kind of relationship THAT would fall under...

I will never forget what a soft landing that was for my knee!

_____________________________

I'm pretty sure I've turned into a bitter bitch with a huge shovel. One of these days I'm going to exchange the shovel for a hoe

(in reply to Level)
Profile   Post #: 20
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