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RE: Why bdsm? - 3/4/2008 5:10:28 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		It's not considered healthy to carry the torch for so long that it sets your arm on fire.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Seraphyim)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Why bdsm? - 3/4/2008 5:30:36 AM   
Seraphyim


Posts: 16
Joined: 3/3/2008
Status: offline 		No doubt RedMagic1. I don't disagree with you in any way, shape, or form. But it is what it is. I'm not sitting in a dark little room pining away for my lost love. I seldom have time to give it a thought. But when I do remember..something inside me still breaks.

Am I emotionally healthy? Probably not. Am I fairly well adjusted? For the most part. I can carry on in life and this doesn't overwhelmingly affect it to any meaningful degree. But she changed something in me...before I met her I believed myself to be complete. I met her and that changed. But her absence has left a void within my soul that may never be filled.




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Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Why bdsm? - 3/4/2008 5:33:54 AM   
Seraphyim


Posts: 16
Joined: 3/3/2008
Status: offline 		what the heck..this is therapy. This is the first time I have spoke of this to anybody at all in over 8 years..no..probably more than 10 years. It's been bottled up inside me for so long.

And if I stick around maybe I'll learn a thing or two.


< Message edited by Seraphyim -- 3/4/2008 5:35:17 AM >

(in reply to Seraphyim)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Why bdsm? - 3/4/2008 5:37:40 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		We own our own emotions, no one can make us feel anything we allow ourselves to feel. We arent half a person we are a whole person and other people just add a bit of flavour. People who leave you or who you leave dont leave a whole, but of course your experiance with them can help you to change what you feel you want/need from life, you have to see that in a positive way not a negative one. Take what you learn and use that to inform your future choices. 

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

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Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Why bdsm? - 3/4/2008 5:48:52 AM   
OmegaG


Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Seraphyim

Oh, MaamJay, in many ways you may be very correct. I am bitter. Bitter that my wife scorned my love. Bitter because I gave her everything that I had to give and it wasn't enough. Bitter because I loved her with all of my heart and she treated that love like it was nothing. Bitter because she left me for someone who, in my eyes, treated her badly.



This jumped out at me because I've been on the recieving end of such statements.  When it has happened to me, sure the guy busted his butt to give me "everything he had" or "everything he could"  But in his selfish need to show how devoted to me he was he never gave me anything I wanted.  What was missing was the understanding of what made me happy, he gave and gave what made him happy and felt I was ungrateful when I didn't appreciate it.

In the simplest terms I can explain it, it's like Valentine's day.  I don't like to be given flowers, candy or jewelry yet often times that is what is given because it's what is culturally accepted that women want.  A man who truly loves me and wants me happy rather then wants to makes guestures of love would buy me a CD or a book that I had been dying to get my hands on.  Ultimately many reject what I really want because they think that I will appreciate the larger ticket item.  To me spending $100 on flowers et al and then saying you did everything because you wallet is lighter then if you bought me the $14 book says more about you selfish love then a selfless love that makes me all warm and tingly.  And it makes me think that the guy is more into appearing to love to those outside of the relationship then acting in love to the person who counts the most.

_____________________________


Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to Seraphyim)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Why bdsm? - 3/4/2008 5:50:34 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		If you still love your ex and not your present wife, then you are a liar and a cheat, no better than the ex you blame for everything. You need to get past this, without putting the blame on wife number 2 for not being ex number 1. Seriously, your inability to see women for who they are is going to wind up destroying your present marriage as much as it did your first one.

Get professional help now. Find a way to accept who you are. Do this for the sake of your family, if not your own. Your wife deserves to be married to a man who loves her, and not her predecessor. You dishonor and cheapen her by lying to her with every word, every touch. What terrible things has she ever done that you think it appropriate to treat her this way?

And what kind of example do you set for your minors like this? You teach your sons that dishonoring and disrespecting women is how to live. You teach your daughters that they deserve to be not loved, to be used. Are you proud of what you are doing? And make no mistake, that is what you teach through your actions, since your actions make much more of an effect on them than do your words which are only platitudes.

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Why bdsm? - 3/4/2008 5:52:48 AM   
kittinSol


Posts: 16926
Status: offline 		"Why BDSM?".

Why not?

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Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Why bdsm? - 3/4/2008 6:16:59 AM   
Seraphyim


Posts: 16
Joined: 3/3/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

If you still love your ex and not your present wife, then you are a liar and a cheat, no better than the ex you blame for everything. You need to get past this, without putting the blame on wife number 2 for not being ex number 1. Seriously, your inability to see women for who they are is going to wind up destroying your present marriage as much as it did your first one.

Get professional help now. Find a way to accept who you are. Do this for the sake of your family, if not your own. Your wife deserves to be married to a man who loves her, and not her predecessor. You dishonor and cheapen her by lying to her with every word, every touch. What terrible things has she ever done that you think it appropriate to treat her this way?

And what kind of example do you set for your minors like this? You teach your sons that dishonoring and disrespecting women is how to live. You teach your daughters that they deserve to be not loved, to be used. Are you proud of what you are doing? And make no mistake, that is what you teach through your actions, since your actions make much more of an effect on them than do your words which are only platitudes.


Wow there buddy..you need to back the hell up. Who are you to judge me? Nobody, that's who. I don't "blame wife number 2 for not being ex number 1", first off.

What happened with my former wife does not affect my current marriage any more that it would affect anybody else whe had once been married and was now remarried. I do NOT project my issues with my former spouse onto my current wife. That being said, I lie to nobody. my current wife knows all most all about my former wife. As far as me being a cheat? That's pretty much crap. Wife number 2 knows that I am still in love with wife number 1. She accepts it. We don't talk about it. It's not important because it doesn't affect our marriage.

Vile crap spewing from you considering what forum we are on. Polyamory and open marraige are common topics on this board yet you insist that "my wife deserves to be married to a man who loves her, and not her predecessor." Wow, it's not possible for me to love them both? Interesting theory there buddy. Let's open that topic up to other points of view shall we? How many of you agree that I cannot love my wife and still love my former wife?

I never said that I didn't love my wife. I do very much. But it's not the same as what I felt for wife number 1. I don't mean that it is less..but it's different.

And as for bringing my children into this...got to hell.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Why bdsm? - 3/4/2008 6:18:24 AM   
Seraphyim


Posts: 16
Joined: 3/3/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kittinSol

"Why BDSM?".

Why not?


Cute..no...really..

(in reply to kittinSol)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Why bdsm? - 3/4/2008 6:18:57 AM   
lateralist1


Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		So presumably you are hoping that she will see this so that she knows just how much she hurt you by leaving.
I really hope talking about it helps you.
I know talking about my traumas has helped me.
Wouldn't it be great if we had someone close that we could talk to though instead of relying on strangers or professionals?
Maybe in the end that's what I am searching for in the lifestyle. Someone who knows me and accepts me as I am and continues to do that as I change.

(in reply to colouredin)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Why bdsm? - 3/4/2008 6:23:14 AM   
Seraphyim


Posts: 16
Joined: 3/3/2008
Status: offline 		Lateralist1, that was probably the most touching thing that I have heard so far. Thank you.

She may read this and know who I am..but I posted no picture and my personal information is only slightly erroneous. If she never guesses who I am then that may be just fine. And if she does..then perhaps that is good too. I wanted to talk to a group of her peers. That is why I posted here.

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Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Why bdsm? - 3/4/2008 6:24:48 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		hummmm so whos the 'old friend' you are searching for if not her?

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to Seraphyim)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Why bdsm? - 3/4/2008 6:36:58 AM   
Seraphyim


Posts: 16
Joined: 3/3/2008
Status: offline 		I will not reveal that information. Frankly, you do not have a need to know who she is.

Lord Tavian

(in reply to colouredin)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Why bdsm? - 3/4/2008 6:38:52 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		Sorry I was poking fun, after seeing your other post I kinda thought that possibly there was an element of game playing going on :D

If you genuienly werent posting this to get her attention etc then i think its good that you have got some pretty ace advice here :D


_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to Seraphyim)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Why bdsm? - 3/4/2008 6:48:46 AM   
BlackPhx


Posts: 3432
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Submissives are not inherently inferior. That's your first mistake. They are equal in value, but not in power.

Let us look at your basic corporation. There is one CEO. And he has an executive assistant who is essential to him.


I am not sure this is exactly correct though the examples you gave it would seem so. Think more the Dom as CEO and the sub as CFO and you have a more balanced example. Each in their own field is essential to the corporation and they work in concert for the betterment of the corporation and the bottom line. An executive assistant can be replaced easily, a CFO, not so much.

You can be extremely Dominant and Sadistic and do not have to have a partner to express that with. It can come out in your day to day actions at work, home, in sports, where ever. The same goes for the submissive. But together, together they are something much more, each enhances the other and makes a completed circuit. There is an equality in power there and that power is exchanged.

poenkitten

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Why bdsm? - 3/4/2008 7:11:47 AM   
LordTavian


Posts: 21
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline 		Damn, I have been a whiny little bastard. Thank you  all for giving me a kick in the seat of the pants. I needed that. And DesFIP provoked me enough so I remembered who I used to be. No thanks for that. You ever talk to me like that again and I will put you back into your place...again.

I have been denying who I am for far too long. I enjoyed the feeling of power I got when my former wife was submissive to me. And it made me love her all the more. That is what is lacking in my life at the moment. But not for long.

(in reply to BlackPhx)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Why bdsm? - 3/4/2008 7:13:55 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Ohhhhhh, I bet wifey #2 is gonna have a surprise for you when you get home!

edited to add.......The piss poor attempt to cyber dominate Des was quite pathetic. You might want to reconsider this new lordship thing.


< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 3/4/2008 7:16:01 AM >

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Why bdsm? - 3/4/2008 7:15:06 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Seraphyim
Let's open that topic up to other points of view shall we? How many of you agree that I cannot love my wife and still love my former wife?

If you remove the moralistic tone of DesFIP's post, the material advice it contains is correct.  My first love lasted four years.  We never got married, but we were engaged.  Part of the reason we broke up was my kink and her vanillaness.  It wasn't the only reason.  I still love her.  I also love the woman I am with now.  I don't love either of them more, but I love them differently.

However, in no sense whatsoever do I want to rekindle a physical/sexual/romantic relationship with my first love.  I look on those memories (mostly) fondly, and still think she is a wonderful person.  I do not have unresolved emotional baggage regarding her.  If I did, it would not be fair to the person I am with now.

If you are just now dealing with this stuff, then hell yes, you have been unfair to yourself, your wife and your kids.  That's not a slam at you or your family.  It's a scientific fact.

Posting this thread is a good start.  Talking to a professional would be a good next step.  Defensively pretending nothing's wrong, when even a bunch of Internet strangers can see perfectly well something's messed up here, does not do you any favors.

By the way, DesFIP is a submissive female.  Do you still think they are less powerful or inferior?


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Seraphyim)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Why bdsm? - 3/4/2008 7:15:32 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		Tis amazing how suddenly a couple of strangers can help to change the whole way in which we view who we are its amazing really, to think i laughed when someone called me a deamon, maybe i should go embrace that too

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Why bdsm? - 3/4/2008 7:32:07 AM   
LordTavian


Posts: 21
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline 		La Tigresse, I was not attempting to dominate anyone. I don't know her well enough to WANT to dominate her..much less try to do so. I am not dominant with just anybody.

Good Question RedMagic1. No I do not think that she is necessarily inferior. My submissive former wife was anything but inferior to me..even when she was at her most submssive. Her submissiveness actually increased my affection for her.




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That which does not kill us..better run for it's life

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Profile   Post #: 60
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