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RE: Why bdsm? - 3/4/2008 7:37:54 AM   
CreativeDominant


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LordTavian

Damn, I have been a whiny little bastard. Thank you  all for giving me a kick in the seat of the pants. I needed that. And DesFIP provoked me enough so I remembered who I used to be. No thanks for that. You ever talk to me like that again and I will put you back into your place...again.

I have been denying who I am for far too long. I enjoyed the feeling of power I got when my former wife was submissive to me. And it made me love her all the more. That is what is lacking in my life at the moment. But not for long.


Yes...you have been a whiny little bastard.  LaT's post, DES's post, even my post to be frank, were all good posts.  As a matter of fact, most of the posts to you have been decent and understanding and have continued to be so which, given the way you came to the board and presented yourself and your subsequent denial of many of the truths written. surprises me in a good way to see the restraint that can be embraced by many of us when we are trying to help someone. 

And yet...you whine about how she couldn't accept your love.  Could that be because you were doing what I and others have noted...you were giving her love and adoration in a way that YOU saw fit but not necessarily the way she wanted.  Omega noted that society has tried to teach men that women want furs and candy and jewelry for those special occasions yet she notes that buying her those would only indicate the depth of your wallet, not the depth of your real understanding of what makes her tick.  After my post yesterday, I went back to the office with all that you said on my mind and I thought of something else I should have asked you...and which tempting's post helped to clarify for me even more...why is it so hard for someone like you to understand that for some women, the only pedestal they want to be on is on their knees in front of one they wish to submit to?
You whine about how SHE opened a door for you but didn't stick around to guide you.  Could that be because even after she opened the door, you sat there "kicking and screaming" about how you didn't want to be there?  Could it be that you protested the whole time you were trying to dominate her?  Could it be that she saw that there was a dark side in you but you were too "saintly" to want to admit to it and didn't have the cajones to own it?  At least, not then...and despite your post above, probably not even now?
You go off on a rant against DES because she stated something bluntly that others of us may well have also thought...how fair have you been to your wife?  You can tell yourself that you have loved her and have treated her well but as I noted...was it really any different from any other vanilla woman?  Have you taken the time to get to know her or has there been no need because she accepted the love and adoration that you chose to give rather than ask for what she needed and wanted?  I seriously doubt that most of the women I know...vanilla and submissive...would want me were they to know that I still had a big hole in my heart from a past love that I had not dealt with.  Despite your words to the contrary about how she does not effect your marriage now and how you have moved on, your original post...and others...give the lie to those statements.

You say you are going to "accept yourself".  Well then, perhaps the truth of that and of the way you say you love your wife is to carry that truth to her rather than doing everything you can to make sure that your first love, first wife knows that you are here now...changing.

Now...tell me to back off...that I don't know you...that I have no idea of the good you have done and the wonderful life you have built for your wife.  If all that was built on an attempt to close the door to Pandora's box and to heal the hole in your heart...it has all been a lie, has it not?  Because just how successful has it been, other than on the surface?

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RE: Why bdsm? - 3/4/2008 7:40:16 AM   
colouredin


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Status: offline 		nicely said Creative

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RE: Why bdsm? - 3/4/2008 7:45:41 AM   
velvetears


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Seraphyim

I seldom have time to give it a thought. But when I do remember..something inside me still breaks........
But she changed something in me...before I met her I believed myself to be complete. I met her and that changed. But her absence has left a void within my soul that may never be filled.



It occured to me as i was reading this whole thread that i began to start feeling incredibly sorry for your current wife.  i know you say that she knows and everything is hunky dorey between the two of you, but if you truly believe that, you are deluding yourself and short changing your wife in this relationship.  How many woman, truly, can be happy playing second fiddle to someone's ghost?  Where is your wife's pedestal? 

You didn't put your former wife on that pedestal out of love and devotion for her - you did it for yourself. When she realized this, she left.  

i think you're being very selfish and playing a dangerous game if you think all's well in your self constructed world. 

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RE: Why bdsm? - 3/4/2008 7:53:31 AM   
greeneyedreamer


Posts: 442
Joined: 6/20/2007
Status: offline 		I agree with Sub 03. It is something that just felt so natural like I had just become me that i missed. The first time i was bound, an electric current ran through me. I instinctively became who I should be. It's very hard to explain. VERY HARD. But it was finally like I was me. Unstripped of titles, roles and full of only desires and my own place in the worldD. I was 'home' in my own mind. It like a switch was turned on the light was bright and I finally had vision. dreamer

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RE: Why bdsm? - 3/4/2008 7:57:55 AM   
AquaticSub


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quote:

ORIGINAL: OmegaG

quote:

ORIGINAL: Seraphyim

Oh, MaamJay, in many ways you may be very correct. I am bitter. Bitter that my wife scorned my love. Bitter because I gave her everything that I had to give and it wasn't enough. Bitter because I loved her with all of my heart and she treated that love like it was nothing. Bitter because she left me for someone who, in my eyes, treated her badly.



This jumped out at me because I've been on the recieving end of such statements.  When it has happened to me, sure the guy busted his butt to give me "everything he had" or "everything he could"  But in his selfish need to show how devoted to me he was he never gave me anything I wanted. 


Bingo.

OP, have you ever watched "Citizen Kane"? Kane gave his last wife everything he could, money, fancy clothes, really expensive house, opera house but he couldn't give her what she actually needed and wanted. So he ended up alone.

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RE: Why bdsm? - 3/4/2008 8:06:18 AM   
orfunboi


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Seraphyim

what the heck..this is therapy. This is the first time I have spoke of this to anybody at all in over 8 years..no..probably more than 10 years. It's been bottled up inside me for so long.

And if I stick around maybe I'll learn a thing or two.


First you say "But it is what it is. I'm not sitting in a dark little room pining away for my lost love. I seldom have time to give it a thought. But when I do remember..something inside me still breaks. "

then you tell us this happened 10 years ago? Obviously you have been giving it thought or 10 years later you would have moved on with life. But your on CM 10 years later trying to work through this. It doesn't really matter why your ex is into BDSM...your obviously not, so go find yourself someone who agrees with you and be happy.

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RE: Why bdsm? - 3/4/2008 8:13:22 AM   
orfunboi


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error in posting

< Message edited by orfunboi -- 3/4/2008 8:29:49 AM >

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RE: Why bdsm? - 3/4/2008 8:43:44 AM   
LordTavian


Posts: 21
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline 		No point. I will call you ignorant though.

Fear not, I will enlighten you. My wife and I are/have been poly people. So having other lovers is not a foreign concept to either of us. And actually, the only one of us who has taken other lovers has been her. So, what was your talk about fair? Bite your tongue. She has had her lovers and I cling to the memory of my lost love. So please, don't bring up the topic of fairness with me again. I am nothing if not fair.

And so, knowing that you have spoken in ignorance rather than malice, I am inclined to let it pass.

BDSM, however, has not been a part of this marriage except in the most cursory of ways. Perhaps it is time to introduce that aspect of life into our relationship.

I inclined to believe at this time it won't be successful. My wife is a very headstrong woman and I the ideas of submission does not sit well with her. At best we would each have to switch...but, while I naturally tend to be more submissive than some, I resent it and will never look at the collar with great affection. I strive for dominance, I believe mostly due to my former wife's influence.


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RE: Why bdsm? - 3/4/2008 8:44:37 AM   
HalfShyHalfWild


Posts: 150
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From: Texas
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LordTavian

Damn, I have been a whiny little bastard. Thank you  all for giving me a kick in the seat of the pants. I needed that. And DesFIP provoked me enough so I remembered who I used to be. No thanks for that. You ever talk to me like that again and I will put you back into your place...again.





Bullying and flexing cyber muscles doesn't make a Dominant. I've got a few other descriptive words of what it implies though.

(in reply to LordTavian)
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RE: Why bdsm? - 3/4/2008 8:45:14 AM   
LordTavian


Posts: 21
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline 		No, I have not seen Citizen Kane. Perhaps I will give it a watch. I do love movies.

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RE: Why bdsm? - 3/4/2008 8:49:31 AM   
LordTavian


Posts: 21
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline 		Ok..agreed. A little less talking on my part and more listening. Got it.

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RE: Why bdsm? - 3/4/2008 8:50:04 AM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
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Status: offline 		LOLOLOL..  I LOVE this fuckin' place!!

LordJeffwey

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RE: Why bdsm? - 3/4/2008 8:50:40 AM   
colouredin


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Joined: 2/2/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LordTavian

No point. I will call you ignorant though.

Fear not, I will enlighten you. My wife and I are/have been poly people. So having other lovers is not a foreign concept to either of us. And actually, the only one of us who has taken other lovers has been her. So, what was your talk about fair? Bite your tongue. She has had her lovers and I cling to the memory of my lost love.



I would suggest pining over a lost love is unfair despite being poly, her having lovers does not mitigate that and the idea of fairness is irrelevent in that really. If you chose to be poly you cant then use it as an excuses in a tit for tat way, my two cents


quote:

ORIGINAL: LordTavian

the ideas of submission does not sit well with her.



Something that didnt sit well with you, ohhhhhh about 24 hours ago, IF this is genuiene then surely if your attitudes can change so can hers, writing it off without trying is never a good idea


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RE: Why bdsm? - 3/4/2008 8:58:58 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LordTavian
Fear not, I will enlighten you. My wife and I are/have been poly people. So having other lovers is not a foreign concept to either of us. And actually, the only one of us who has taken other lovers has been her. So, what was your talk about fair? Bite your tongue. She has had her lovers and I cling to the memory of my lost love.


If that works for you and your wife, then cool.  I personally don;t see the point of people berating your life choices - people are making assumptions without knowing your wife, nor yourself for that matter.
It's not everyones ideal, it's not everyone way of dealing - but it's yours.

quote:

I inclined to believe at this time it won't be successful. My wife is a very headstrong woman and I the ideas of submission does not sit well with her. At best we would each have to switch...but, while I naturally tend to be more submissive than some, I resent it and will never look at the collar with great affection. I strive for dominance, I believe mostly due to my former wife's influence.


Like I said in the other thread, all I can see is you making a choice without knowledge and picking a random action.  You are running before you can walk - and you are attempting something you suspect will fail.  If this isn;t a piss take, then you have classic frenzy.
 
the.dark.

< Message edited by Darcyandthedark -- 3/4/2008 8:59:40 AM >

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RE: Why bdsm? - 3/4/2008 9:00:35 AM   
LordTavian


Posts: 21
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Status: offline 		Touche'. Well said.

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RE: Why bdsm? - 3/4/2008 9:01:56 AM   
LordTavian


Posts: 21
Joined: 3/4/2008
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quote:

If this isn;t a piss take, then you have classic frenzy.
quote:



I don't understand the reference. Please explain.

< Message edited by LordTavian -- 3/4/2008 9:03:10 AM >

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RE: Why bdsm? - 3/4/2008 9:07:33 AM   
LordTavian


Posts: 21
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline 		I just recieved a very good piece of advice. I was told " be kind to those who may seek to do you service." I'll take it to heart.

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RE: Why bdsm? - 3/4/2008 9:07:52 AM   
OmegaG


Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline 		You can't determine if a person will be an s type in a relationship based on how she acts outside of it-- or with the kids.  I am a headstrong dynamo with very definative opinions outside of my relationship but that is not who I am with m'Lord.

And there are times that I have worn the pants in a relationship because I had to, because it was expected of me and because I had yet to define myself.

I would strongly advise communication before action, it may be that she gets all gooey inside if you take up the reigns and it may be a paradigm shift she can't handle.

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RE: Why bdsm? - 3/4/2008 9:08:44 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Some people are assuming this isn't a serious thread - hence 'piss take'.
If you are asking about frenzy - it's a state of wanting and rushing into something before you even know yourself.  You have altered your name and your ideas and your perceptions in what - 24 hours?  You still haven't fully healed emotionally and you are wanting to 'become' something that you feel will not work in the relationship you are in, just because of your past.
 
To me, if you are being serious, which I am assuming you are - you are in classic frenzy.  You want to know, you want to be involved, but you want it now - and you are making it - instead of allowing the flow.
Forcing something won't make it anymore genuine or easier.
Please take in a deep breath.
 
the.dark.

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RE: Why bdsm? - 3/4/2008 9:12:22 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		Well said D&d I would say that going suddenly from not understanding it to wanting to be some uber Dom in 24 hours is to say the leaast rushing. I know that for me it was (is) a very gradual learning curve. 

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