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I don't even *like* sex... - 3/7/2008 10:49:25 PM

dollparts85

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Joined: 10/22/2006
From: NY
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I've only had sex twice so maybe it will get better the more I do it? But I haven't enjoyed anything sexual I have done so far...is that weird? I don't like being touched...at all...it doesn't feel good or anything...maybe I was just too tense and scared and stuff? Both times I like totally spaced out and it was like I was watching it happen from above...

Post #: 1

RE: I don't even *like* sex... - 3/7/2008 10:55:01 PM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
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Big question with a million possible answers. It could be related to self image, past abuse, fear of the unknown, not being attracted to the person you were with, hormonal, the list is endless.

On the other hand, some people just don't get into sex. There isn't anything wrong with that either. The question is are you happy with you as you are? It's only a problem if it's a problem for you.

_____________________________

if at first you dont succeed..then skydiving isnt for you

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(in reply to dollparts85)

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RE: I don't even *like* sex... - 3/7/2008 10:56:23 PM

Muttling

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Joined: 9/30/2007
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It's hard for a guy to give you an worthwhile advice, but I do know that it's not at all uncommon and you're not weird. (If you want weird, just hop over to the clown sex thread.

) The first thing that comes to my mind is talking to a therapist about it. They aren't just for the mentally ill, they can help 'normal' folks to work through their feelings and get some understanding on them.

(in reply to dollparts85)

Post #: 3

RE: I don't even *like* sex... - 3/7/2008 11:00:40 PM

dollparts85

Posts: 1233
Joined: 10/22/2006
From: NY
Status: offline

I've tried talking to my therapist about it but he seems to get uncomfortable and changes the subject...LOL he likes to joke around a lot too...suggested I become a Domme...LOL and I'm like...uh...no...LOL I'm switching therapists soon though...going to a Day Treatment program...maybe talking to a female would be easier...

(in reply to Muttling)

Post #: 4

RE: I don't even *like* sex... - 3/7/2008 11:04:37 PM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
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Hilarious, a therapist who jokes around when he gets uncomfortable. Very professional.

Whatever your paying him, you're being robbed. Find someone else who can do their job.

_____________________________

if at first you dont succeed..then skydiving isnt for you

Resident Whip Cracker AND Resident Orbs Of Joy.

(in reply to dollparts85)

Post #: 5

RE: I don't even *like* sex... - 3/7/2008 11:06:30 PM

Muttling

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Joined: 9/30/2007
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I've been in therapy before and I can definitely say that finding one you connect with is critical. When trying to find a new one specifically ask about their experience and knowledge concerning sexual issues.

Edit: You mentioned being in a Day Treatment program. Is group therapy part of your program? Is there women your age in the same program that you would trust to confide in on this subject? I strongly suspect you are not the only one confronting this issue in the program.

< Message edited by Muttling -- 3/7/2008 11:12:22 PM >

(in reply to dollparts85)

Post #: 6

RE: I don't even *like* sex... - 3/7/2008 11:15:26 PM

dollparts85

Posts: 1233
Joined: 10/22/2006
From: NY
Status: offline

I've seen pretty much everyone at my current clinic LOL the only therapist left that works with adults is another male therapist. When I first started therapy I had a hard time opening up...very very shy...and they ended up just passing me around from therapist to therapist...I've seen...5 therapist at my current clinic...plus the two psychiatrists and the np...in 6 years...I've actually been with my current therapist the longest out of all of them...only one that gave me a chance...first one I told about the abuse I experienced as a child too...

(in reply to Muttling)

Post #: 7

RE: I don't even *like* sex... - 3/7/2008 11:17:49 PM

dollparts85

Posts: 1233
Joined: 10/22/2006
From: NY
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yeah...at Day Treatment they have groups from 9 am to 3 pm...I don't know if there are any other patients at that clinic now that I could relate to...a lot of them are drug addicts court ordered to be there...or like really old people (70s or so) who need to get out and socialize...most are in group homes...

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RE: I don't even *like* sex... - 3/7/2008 11:24:05 PM

Muttling

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Joined: 9/30/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: dollparts85

I've seen pretty much everyone at my current clinic LOL the only therapist left that works with adults is another male therapist. When I first started therapy I had a hard time opening up...very very shy...and they ended up just passing me around from therapist to therapist...I've seen...5 therapist at my current clinic...plus the two psychiatrists and the np...in 6 years...I've actually been with my current therapist the longest out of all of them...only one that gave me a chance...first one I told about the abuse I experienced as a child too...

I suspect "passing you" around was their method of trying to find who you were most comfortable with and could open up to. Opening up for the very first time is extremely difficult because the issues are some of your most closely gaurded secrets. It's hard to expose yourself like that becaue you really don't know how they are going to respond.

My guess is that this guy is a good therapist, but not so skilled at dealing with sex related issues. Add a less than vanilla sexual interest and you have a guy who really doesn't understand those aspects of your personality.

Do you have any thoughts on why you don't enjoy being touched? Is it a reminder of the abuse, a feeling of it being dirty, a concern about what the other person will think,...?

Edit: Sounds pretty normal for therapy. When I was in group, it was about 60% addicts, 35% major depressive disorder (e.g. Mutts like me), and 5% other...mostly bipolar. Some of the female addicts are likely to understand this though.

< Message edited by Muttling -- 3/7/2008 11:26:31 PM >

(in reply to dollparts85)

Post #: 9

RE: I don't even *like* sex... - 3/7/2008 11:30:35 PM

dollparts85

Posts: 1233
Joined: 10/22/2006
From: NY
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it does make me feel "dirty" and like it feels wrong...and I hate like any kind of wetness...even lube...it feels so gross...I can't stand it...I always shower for hours after...trying to feel clean again...I had a flashback the first time I had sex...but the 2nd time I didn't...I still didn't enjoy it though...

(in reply to Muttling)

Post #: 10

RE: I don't even *like* sex... - 3/7/2008 11:39:32 PM

Muttling

Posts: 1612
Joined: 9/30/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: dollparts85

it does make me feel "dirty" and like it feels wrong...and I hate like any kind of wetness...even lube...it feels so gross...I can't stand it...I always shower for hours after...trying to feel clean again...I had a flashback the first time I had sex...but the 2nd time I didn't...I still didn't enjoy it though...

I'm no professional, but is certainly sounds like you are still injured from it. My suggestion would be to take it very slow, there is no reason to rush into sex and push it. I would think that you need to start getting comfortable with simply touching before going any further. Perhaps back rubs or things of that nature would be a good start.

I definitely think you need to find a therapist who really understands this aspect and can help you ease your way into it. Perhaps the guy you are talking to now would have some good suggestions on to proceed, just don't expect any tips on the kinky aspects. However, this doesn't strike me as an issue that would be any different if your interests were strictly vanilla.

(in reply to dollparts85)

Post #: 11

RE: I don't even *like* sex... - 3/7/2008 11:43:21 PM

dollparts85

Posts: 1233
Joined: 10/22/2006
From: NY
Status: offline

Yeah...I need to stop sleeping with men I just meet online LOL they just use me and then disappear *sighs* I need to get a real relationship and go slow and get used to everything...and not have sex within an hour of meeting...LOL

I did the "Courage to heal" workbook with my therapist but like we never really talked about it...he would just read what I wrote and then change the subject...LOL

(in reply to Muttling)

Post #: 12

RE: I don't even *like* sex... - 3/7/2008 11:50:08 PM

Muttling

Posts: 1612
Joined: 9/30/2007
Status: offline

I wish I had some great and easy answers for you, but I really don't. I do have a couple of thoughts....

First would be to ask your group about victim support groups in the area. That may be a great place to start for seeking peer support and I'm sure the women in those groups can give you the names of some good therapists.

Second, changing that pattern of hooking up right after you meet and are attracted to someone is going to be really difficult. We all want to be accepted by and to please those we are interested in. However, a peer support group would also help you with this.

Third, I have a question. Do you fret over touching others or is it just being touched? Going to massage school to learn to give massages or going to get one every now and then might be a good way to start feeling o'k about touching.

(in reply to dollparts85)

Post #: 13

RE: I don't even *like* sex... - 3/7/2008 11:53:56 PM

dollparts85

Posts: 1233
Joined: 10/22/2006
From: NY
Status: offline

Touching others isn't as bad as being touched but I'm still not too fond of it LOL I'm kinda paranoid when it comes to germs and such...

(in reply to Muttling)

Post #: 14

RE: I don't even *like* sex... - 3/7/2008 11:59:56 PM

Muttling

Posts: 1612
Joined: 9/30/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dollparts85

Touching others isn't as bad as being touched but I'm still not too fond of it LOL I'm kinda paranoid when it comes to germs and such...

No problemo.......just find some kinksters who are into mummification and want a massage:

http://www.stephanielocke.com/images/lb08.jpg

(in reply to dollparts85)

Post #: 15

RE: I don't even *like* sex... - 3/8/2008 12:02:35 AM

dollparts85

Posts: 1233
Joined: 10/22/2006
From: NY
Status: offline

LOL nice...

(in reply to Muttling)

Post #: 16

RE: I don't even *like* sex... - 3/8/2008 12:11:32 AM

swtnsparkling

Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

I've tried talking to my therapist about it but he seems to get uncomfortable and changes the subject...LOL he likes to joke around a lot too...suggested I become a Domme...LOL and I'm like...uh...no...LOL I'm switching therapists soon though...going to a Day Treatment program

This smells like a pile of pure horse shit

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace

A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please

(in reply to dollparts85)

Post #: 17

RE: I don't even *like* sex... - 3/8/2008 12:14:49 AM

Owner4SexSlave

Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
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The advice I'm about to hand out may or may not help you.

Have you considered turning to self help books that address your issues?

Not all books are the same, and Authors are a bit like finding the right therapist. Perhaps try exploring a variety of different "self help" books that relates to you.

At the very least these books will stimulate your mind, provide you with excerises that may or may not work.   The best part is that a book will never pass you around, nor avoid the issues you want to address.

Generally, if you explore the self help book section of some place like "Barnes & Noble" or where ever, pick up different books and read a little. See if the Author is able to make a connection with you, or if the words you are reading inspire thought.   The last thing you want to do is purchase a book that you won't end up reading in the end.   Basically get a book that you can relate to and feel the author is relating to you.

Perhaps other people can recommend good books to you as well.

Flashbacks are all part of a natural healing process too. Basically, where you relive the event and are able to reprocess the experience as an adult with a higher mental capacity.

Also, in regards to your lack of sex drive there may be a medical or biological reason as well to explore.   Not everything is mental.

I have no idea if you are taking any medications, and if so for how long. Some medications will lower a persons sex drive to little next to nothing.   A change in medication may or may not help some. Something to talk over with your Doctor, if you have been taking any medication for a prolonged period of time.

The suggestions I giving you here are things to perhaps consider exploring.

(in reply to dollparts85)

Post #: 18

RE: I don't even *like* sex... - 3/8/2008 12:20:16 AM

dollparts85

Posts: 1233
Joined: 10/22/2006
From: NY
Status: offline

I do take medication...Right now I take Cymbalta and Neurontin...plus some others but those are my psych meds...I think the only antidepressant that does not have sexual side effects is Wellbutrin which I have taken in the past but was taken off b/c you are not supposed to take it with low potassium. I was taking it in combo with Effexor though which is probably the most well known for sexual side effects hehe

I'd love it if anyone could reccomend some self help books on the subject. I love self help books. I buy books off amazon cuz it's so much cheaper hehe I've done the Courage to Heal and I bought another one but haven't really done it b/c a lot of the exercises and stuff are to be done with a partner which I do not have...

(in reply to Owner4SexSlave)

Post #: 19

RE: I don't even *like* sex... - 3/8/2008 12:21:58 AM

BabyDollVanIsle

Posts: 103
Joined: 10/27/2007
Status: offline

hi dollparts...

i notice you don't mention anything about the situation or person you had sex with or any emotional connection...

for many women, in their first experiences, the sex act itself doesn't do much for them.

what can be good, is the feeling of affection and attention from your partner.

i sugest you worry less about what you feel about the sex act itself, and focus more on the emotional feelings you get from prospective partners, and consider a slow warm-up and a longer 'getting to know you' phase before you get to the sex act...

nothing wrong with spending time doing fun things outside of the bedroom with your partner, then have a long stage of having cuddling and mild petting sessions, and waiting much longer over more meetings before it progresses to the actual sex act.

i would suggest waiting until you actually feel a strong desire to be with someone from affection before you get to a sex act again.

if you do that.. your partner can be with you to help you deal with any emotional reactions to sex and feeling dirty, instead of you dealing with those things on your own after the fact.

i realize that my saying this may make you feel inadequate... that you feel that you cannot inspire enough interest in someone that they would spend that much time on you before getting sex.

this is the kind of thing you should be talking about with your therapist... how to avoid sexual situations that aren't 'right' and how to spend time with someone till you actually desire to be affectionate and intimate with them.

(in reply to dollparts85)

Post #: 20

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