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being ignored by your Master - 3/21/2008 8:03:35 AM

Masterssj

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Joined: 12/27/2007
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i am new and still in training , and i am trying to understand the practice of ignoring a submissive as a way of teaching .

i sort of understand what i did and dont at the same time , my Master asked me to accomplish something and i did so , i was happy i did accomplish this for him but then i heard nothing back from him and i pushed for a response , i also saw he had been on collarme and i made a comment about his being on here and not being able to respond to me , so now i am on ignore and phone messages and emails are not answered .

i am trying to understand this practice and how it teaches us something . i really dont understand how ignoring teaches anything . i admit i have alot to learn and i am trying , so how do i get through these periods of being ignored ?

please no durogatory comments about my Master , he is a genuinely awesome man and this is about my learning how to handle things .

Post #: 1

RE: being ignored by your Master - 3/21/2008 8:10:21 AM

colouredin

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I think if he has decided to not talk to you for 'training' then you should respect that because surely sending him lots of messages will just wind him up, maybe its the simply act of teaching you to respect his wishes.

I dont know, normally if someone ignores me for no reason I think they are a twat.

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Post #: 2

RE: being ignored by your Master - 3/21/2008 8:10:26 AM

beargonewild

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There are some who believe that by ignoring their sub as a method to teach the sub that their action was unacceptable and you are now being punished. The general consensus is a more effective method is to find the root of the undesirable behavior and correct that through discussion and using other methods to train a sub that this is acceptable and that isn't

Personally I find ignoring a sub isn't a very effective way to teach a sub. My former owner tried the ignoring route and he soon found that it has no effect on me as I am quite able to occupy my time while being ignored.

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Post #: 3

RE: being ignored by your Master - 3/21/2008 8:17:14 AM

toservez

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From: All over now in Minnesota
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Sorry but if your goal is a mature relationship the ignore treatment, unless for specific actions and communicated clearly with a set time limit, is something for the immature and petty. It hinders open communication instead of encouraging it. This also sound like an online relationship so ignore could just mean to busy or not feeling like he wants to respond.

If it is a set punishment for a specific action then treat it like any other punishment. Accept it, think about what you did wrong, hope to learn for your mistake, and if it was just one of those unavoidable ones or you after thought did not think you deserves just focus on taking it to show your devotion and dedication to your other.

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Post #: 4

RE: being ignored by your Master - 3/21/2008 8:17:22 AM

ownedgirlie

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There are different interpretations of the word "ignore." I send stuff to Master that he doesn't respond to...it's simply because he doesn't feel the need to respond to it, or perhaps he is not in the mood at that time to respond to it. What I send him is for him - it is not for me to get kudos for. I am either sending him information about me, or sending him something for his enjoyment. In any case, if he wishes to reply to it he will when he wants to reply to it.

He is under no obligation to me to drop everything he is doing and get back to me, and certainly not because I am pushing him for it. In fact, when I have pushed him in the past, it is more likely to get less of what I am pushing for than more. That was one of my hardest lessons - patience, humility, and that I don't always get what I want.

From what you have descrived, I do not see that as being ignored at all. I see it as he is waiting until he feels like it to get back to you...perhaps that will happen when you stop pushing him...?

Ignoring is, in my opinion, being in the same room as him while he acts as though you are not there. Or going several days without acknowledging you. My advice? Your emails to him are for him; do not send them with an expectation of each one being responded to and addressed. And now that you have sent requests to talk to him (no idea what these requests consisted of), wait patiently for him to reply. When he replies, no nagging about "why didn't you answer me", just be humble and grateful. If you are upset, tell him so, but respectfully.

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Post #: 5

RE: being ignored by your Master - 3/21/2008 8:33:19 AM

OmegaG

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If this in an on-line only (or mainly) relationship then I think that using no contact as a punishment is both silly and effective. Silly because while he's not talking to you he has no control over what you are doing and effective as it's really the only way he can truly punish and it does drive a person mad when they can't do anything but speculate on what is going on in the mute person's head.

m'Lord has told me that when he is truly mad at me that there will be a period of silence, combined with physical restriction or restraint while he gathers his thoughts and cools down. But I also understand that it will be for a specified period and I am aware of this practice well in advance so I can avoid it at all costs.

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Post #: 6

RE: being ignored by your Master - 3/21/2008 8:43:35 AM

Madame4a

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I don't understand the purpose of it as I wouldn't do it... in any capacity.. on or offline...

talking about whatever is going on is a much better approach in my book.. but that's me

(in reply to Masterssj)

Post #: 7

RE: being ignored by your Master - 3/21/2008 8:55:57 AM

Masterssj

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Joined: 12/27/2007
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i appreciate the responses , its not an '' online thing '' we just do not live together .

i have asked for a response and not received one , so i am guessing that is the wrong thing to do from what i am gathering here .

i agree with the writter , i also send alot of email at times and know there is no way possible he could or would answer all of it , im just not sure why this time it made such a difference to me , usually i am very patient . i am at this point only now sending requests for permission on things according to his rules and nothing else .

i see the point of a Master not answering until they are ready to but total ignore is hell and to me if communication is of the highest importance why use ignore and does that not break down a relationship ?

i think i am learning to speak only when spoken to , only in short yes and no Master answers and just plain shut up so i dont get in this trouble again .... sort of like the heck with communication , if i want to keep my Master , i best say and type nothing to him unless he asks something ... because i really do not wish to lose him .

thank you everyone for replying and giving me things to think about

(in reply to OmegaG)

Post #: 8

RE: being ignored by your Master - 3/21/2008 9:09:49 AM

lally3

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Joined: 3/4/2008
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well, i spose, if it teaches you not to push then it has been effective. if you continue to push then it hasnt.

i do know that if i have ever been ignored it makes me reflect back on what ive done and how to do a thing differently. not D/s, but a friend of mine, who has a drink problem, was being a royal pain, so i just didnt return her calls and i was polite but not overtly friendly when we bumped into each other. the penny dropped and she now doesnt do those things anymore.

its effective, but only if you mentally apply yourself and look at the things you did to aggravate him. the thing with jackie, my friend, was that she clearly valued my friendship enough to stop and think. if you value your relationship with this man, and you clearly do, then do as he wishes, the dynamic you have is unique to the both of you, how he conducts his training of you is his business and you, as the sub, need to learn to accept it. its bugging you, yes, but then if it didnt there'd be very little point in him doing it.

id just sit tight and wait.

(in reply to Madame4a)

Post #: 9

RE: being ignored by your Master - 3/21/2008 9:10:24 AM

tarnishdhaylo

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Joined: 8/23/2007
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Very good way of looking at things and very mature.
I hope I am able to always think as clearly as you

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 10

RE: being ignored by your Master - 3/21/2008 9:15:13 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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What exactly was your "comment"? You know this gets me into trouble with people occasionally and I'm grateful for the friends I have who understand- posting a few quips and posts on collarme is refreshing and an enjoyable destraction. Emailing personal stuff to friends is engaging and involves a fair bit of energy and attention. This isn't a bad thing- but when I'm in the mood to just chill, I'm coming to CM- even if I have a few personal emails hanging out to respond to. They really shouldn't take is personally. So your "comment" might have been a petulant rude little snit sort and makes him even less inclined to discuss with you.

That being said, ignoring people only works if you want them to be scared and confused and pretend to be good to not rock the boat. If you want actual mature communication and strong relationship building, it's pretty bad.

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Post #: 11

RE: being ignored by your Master - 3/21/2008 9:18:47 AM

KatyLied

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From: Pennsylvania
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Perhaps your master is clueless about how to communicate with you. If I was in a relationship where I had to continually make guesses about what was going on it and how I was expected to react (or not react) it would confirm that we had some huge incompatibility going on. I don't have time for that sort of stuff.

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Post #: 12

RE: being ignored by your Master - 3/21/2008 9:23:17 AM

wandersalone

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When he is talking to you again could you maybe ask him if he would explain the purpose of ignoring you and what he wanted you to learn.

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Post #: 13

RE: being ignored by your Master - 3/21/2008 9:33:49 AM

MistressDollys

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Agree. Commnunicate....

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Post #: 14

RE: being ignored by your Master - 3/21/2008 9:40:03 AM

CalifChick

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From: California
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Masterssj

i think i am learning to speak only when spoken to , only in short yes and no Master answers and just plain shut up so i dont get in this trouble again .... sort of like the heck with communication , if i want to keep my Master , i best say and type nothing to him unless he asks something ... because i really do not wish to lose him .

As long as you can be happy with that sort of non-existence.

Cali

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(in reply to Masterssj)

Post #: 15

RE: being ignored by your Master - 3/21/2008 9:44:12 AM

lally3

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may i ask why not communicating is deemed to be not communicating. if it has got her thinking about things, then in my book he's effectively told her to shutup without going into a long tedious diatribe about it.

but, she hasnt, not really, sorry OP, because she has posted this, whilst knowing full well he posts on here, she's still pushing him, albeit indirectly.

if i was a dom, and thank god im not, trying to instill in a sub the basic requirement to be still if that is what is required must get enormously tedious if the sub refuses to.

having said that, at this juncture i would drop the silence and talk, because it clearly isnt working.

(in reply to wandersalone)

Post #: 16

RE: being ignored by your Master - 3/21/2008 10:07:31 AM

MistressVnus

Posts: 1036
Joined: 1/4/2008
From: Central Florida
Status: offline

quote:

i sort of understand what i did and dont at the same time[/q]

[q]then i heard nothing back from him and i pushed for a response , i also saw he had been on collarme and i made a comment about his being on here and not being able to respond to me , so now i am on ignore and phone messages and emails are not answered .

Even no communication is communication. It seems very apparent what is going on here. You even state so yourself. You pushed for a response. And, he is telling you that you don't control when he responds to you and the more you push, the less he will respond. So, there you go.

Now you are on here posting where you know he frequents. Your still pushing. Be prepared for a long sretch of communication through silence. It's not supposed to be pleasant. So, if it is "hell" (and I quoted that) for you, then I suggest you change your behavior. He isn't doing this to you. You are. You are bringing this on yourself by continuing the behavior even though you know, full well, (as stated above), what you are doing yet continue to try and manipulate a direct response.
Know this: No response IS a response. Think about it.

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Post #: 17

RE: being ignored by your Master - 3/21/2008 10:08:49 AM

kyraofMists

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Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Masterssj
i think i am learning to speak only when spoken to , only in short yes and no Master answers and just plain shut up so i dont get in this trouble again .... sort of like the heck with communication , if i want to keep my Master , i best say and type nothing to him unless he asks something ... because i really do not wish to lose him .

Personally, what is written above sounds like the perfect recipe to end a relationship, not keep one.

There is a difference between learning to communicate effectively with each other and doing it on his time table and shutting off communication with each other.

Knight's Kyra

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(in reply to Masterssj)

Post #: 18

RE: being ignored by your Master - 3/21/2008 10:12:30 AM

Madame4a

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From: Washington, DC area
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I agree that while not communicating is a message, I don't believe in this case there is 'communication' as I believe some people, myself included, would define it.

she's said things that lead me to believe, including posting this, that she has NO clue what his lack of response means; she also made it clear that NOT communicating is the way she 'thinks' she will be able to keep this person...

frankly, while silence is a position, in this case, its clear that what THIS silence means has not been communicated... at least the way I read what little has been written here...

(in reply to lally3)

Post #: 19

RE: being ignored by your Master - 3/21/2008 10:59:37 AM

lally3

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Joined: 3/4/2008
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i pushed for a response , i also saw he had been on collarme and i made a comment about his being on here and not being able to respond to me ,

this is the issue right here.

i know what its like to be with a dominant that doesnt notice when you do things right and only get at you for the things you do wrong. is why he is history. its demoralising and ultimately destructive and possibly that is what is going on here. but... if, as the OP says, this guy is awesome, then he must be getting things right more often than not.

to have a go at your dominant for enjoying some of his recreational time on here rather than posting to her is, frankly, disrespectful. so, not only did she push him for a response, she also pushed at him for his lack of response. the message to me is abundantly clear. STFU - you do not dictate to me what responses i give or when i give them. i dont see where the confusion lies here.

then to say, im only going to say yes master, no master is plain sulky brat mode, sorry OP but youre digging yourself deeper into the poo.

(in reply to Madame4a)

Post #: 20

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